November 20th 2009

The Queer's Pitch

______________________________

'My Government will introduce a Bill to name and shame itself with ASBOs - Anti Solvency Ballsup Orders.

My Government will introduce a Bill allowing Ministers to scrawl on the walls of Westminster, 'Please Stop me before I fuck up again'.

My Government will introduce a Bill to allow itself to introduce Bills that could not be paid if you lot all worked 36/7 for the next million years.

My Government will introduce a Bill to broaden the definition of sanity to include the condition formerly known in more extreme Right-Wing epochs as 'barking mad as a Hatter fed on double-doses of mercury and lead'

My Government will introduce a Bill to make history a thing of the past.

My Government will introduce a Bill to outlaw promotion on the bases of ability and aptitude.

My Government will introduce a Bill to transform the Seat of Democracy into the arsehole of public life.

My Government will introduce a Bill to control bonuses paid to bankers until such time as bankers moan about their bonuses at which point bonuses will be repackaged and relaunched as tax-free top-up salarial addenda.

My Government will introduce a Bill to reform the Law such that we the Representatives of the People will enjoy a guaranteed 100% more equality after it than the People had before it.

My Government will introduce me to anyone who can ensure that those who personify British tolerance will be well-rewarded and preferred.

My Government will do whatever it takes to ensure that, come what may, you the elector can have absolute faith in the continuity of established Government in this fine country which must not be talked down or else.

My Government will step on every rake, and take every smack in the face that follows, without ever flinching or deviating from its course.

My Government will eschew all forms of arrogance in favour of grovelling on its belly to the IMF, the EU Commission, and the Libdems if there's a Hung Parliament.

Especially if it's a well-hung Parliament.

Yours sincerely

Lord Mandelslur

Supreme First Secretary of Diverse Affirmation, Funny Business, Rough Trade, and Media Faces'

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