Magnusss Magnacartasssonnnn: Your name please...

Sir Very Badloss: Freddie Goodwin

M: Your profession?

B: Money distributor.

M: And your chosen specialist subject?

B: Creating a global Superbank

M: Very well, Freddie Goodwin you have two minutes on Creating a global....

B: Hang on a minute.

M: Yes? What is it?

B: Well....you haven't given me any money.

M: Er....no, no....there's a prize at the end, but....

B: No, you don't understand. I'm a banker. You have to give me some money.

M: Ah....no, no.....I don't think....

B: I'm not asking you to think Squire, I do the thinking here. Hand over the money.

M: I haven't got any.

B: Hah! That's what they all say.....Brown, Darling, the shareholders, customers. But turn the buggers upside down, and they've always got plenty of money.

M: Well I haven't.

B: Nonsense. Who do you bank with?

M: Nobody. I'm dead.

B: That's no excuse. Some of our most profitable customers are dead. They have a very low rate of churn, they never go overdrawn, and after a few years we quietly take the money and....

M: Do you want to play this game or not?

B: Not without some money, no.

M: Alright look, I promise you can have some money at the end.

B: No fear chum, I'm not falling for that one. That's what the clog-wearers at ABN said and look where that ended up. What collateral have you got?

M: I'm not borrowing any money, I'm promising you some.

B: Makes no difference to me. I might go off and lend the money you're promising me to somebody living in a caravan and then you might welch on it. We don't take money off anyone you know....

M: You don't?

B: No, we take it off everyone. And the first rule is - cash upfront.

M: I've already told you, I haven't got any cash.

B: Nice-looking watch you've got there. Worth anything?

M: Er, yes actually....it was a gift from my daughter. It's a Patek Philippe art deco. Very rare. I believe it's worth about £7000.

B: Sounds tasty. I'll take that then.

(Magnacartassonnn sighs, takes off the watch and gives it to Badloss)

M: Now....can we get started?

B: I'm all yours, Squire.

M: Good. Freddie Goodwin, you have two minutes on money management from 2006 to 2008, starting....

B: Wanna borrow a watch?

M: What?

B: Very nice watch. You want it really, you know you do.

M: Well yes I do, as it's mine.

B: There you are then. Take the waiting out of wanting, matey. I'll let you borrow the watch for twenty five years. Interest rate of ooh, shall we say - two points above base rate? Then you'll have your very own watch, and I'm quite prepared to wait twenty-five years until it's mine again.

M: Thank you very much, that's most kind of you. But it's mine already and I'd rather keep it.

B: Well you selfish bastard. You sit there, large as life and dead as a bloody doornail, and want to keep a watch that you've already promised to give to me? You're a sub-prime quizmaster and no mistake. Thank God I didn't take any money off you.

M: Look, why should I borrow my own watch back off you for twenty-five years and then give it to you again after that?

B: Because the consequences will be unthinkable if you don't.

M: Consequences? What consequences?

B: Well this programme won't get started. Good ratings this show gets. Lots of ABC1 men. Advertisers gagging to be on it. All going to be very bitter when they tune in and see you and I having a pointless argument....

M: This is the BBC.

B: Well there you are...licence holders - even worse. Like shareholders, really - prepared to buy any old toss in the good times, but inclined to get uppity when one shows expensive vision. And if the licence-holders refuse to pay their fees, where does that leave the BBC? Armageddon beckons unless you do as I say and we all pull together to save this marvellous thing we all have.

M: (Sighs) What is it you want?

B: I don't want anything chummy, but you want to borrow this watch. You know you do. You were wearing it only five minutes ago. Stands to reason.

M: (Losing temper) ALRIGHT I'LL BORROW THE WATCH.

B: Good. Got any collateral?

M: WHAT?

B: Listen, these are unstable times, uncharted waters, untold dangers. No time for unsecured loans.

M: Jacket?

B: Quality is it?

M: Harris Tweed. Fortesque & Ffitch.

B: Done.

(M takes off his jacket, while B gives him the watch back)

M: Now can we begin?

B: Certainly. Just be careful you don't break the watch. Keep it regularly serviced.

(M ignores him and opens the session)

M: Freddie Goodwin....you have two minutes on creating a global Superbank starting.....NOW....whose shares underperformed the banking sector every year after 2002?

B: Royal Bank of Scotland

M: Correct. Who was knighted by Tony Blair in 2004?

B: Me.

M: Correct. Who called the ABN Amro takeover 'the deal of a generation?'

B: Me.

M: Correct. Who did Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein call a megalomaniac in 2005?

B: Me.

M: Correct. Who called the £692 million RBS loss earlier this year 'progress in a number of important areas?'

B: Me

M: Correct. Which UK bank has lost 85% of its share value in the last two months?

B: Royal Bank of Scotland

M: Correct. What has been put forward as the best future for global banking?

B: A blank cheque?

M: No, regulation.

B: Incorrect.

M: (Momentarily thrown) No....I give the answers, you...

B: Wrong. I have all the answers. That's what these meddling shareholders don't....

M: The clock is ticking...

B: Good. How's the watch?

M: It's fine thank you, now....

B: Got it insured have you?

M: Er...no. I don't know.

B: Look, you can't borrow something from me and not insure it.

M: It's not yours, it's mine, and anyway....

B: Don't start all that again, you'll have to take out insurance. I can do you a deal.

M: (Looking tired) How much?

B: £9500 a year.

M: Nine....?....that's more than it's worth.

B: I can't help that, you're a sub-prime risk.

M: I am? Why?

B: You're dead.

M: That's true. So why do I need insurance?

B: Because you borrowed the watch off me. That's a bank asset you've got on your wrist there. Begging to be stolen, that is.

M: If it's a bank asset, why doesn't the bank insure it?

B: You really don't know much about banking, do you?

M: Not as much as you, no. Another question?

B: Nice shirt you've got on there.

M: Sorry?

B: That shirt....Turnbull & Arsehole I'd say. Godda be fifty quid's worth.

M: I've really no idea. Why?

B: That could act as your pro forma first insurance instalment.

(M stares at B in disbelief, but removes shirt and gives it to him.)

M: Right - next question.....what is the mechanism by which Hedge Funds lower share values?

B: Short selling.

M: Correct. What proportion of stock exchange trades are handled by short sellers?

B: 50%.

M: Correct. What is the official term for salaried sums collected from private individuals by the Inland Revenue?

B: Mine.

M: No, the answer is....

B: .....wrong again, I'm afraid - I mean, who's doing your research? All money is ultimately bankers' money - it's an old tradition, one of the first principles of any financial services institution.

M: ...the correct answer is 'income tax'. Trust me, that is the correct answer.

B: Correct is a relative term, chum. Look, you're a dead Viking - what the fuck would you know about it?

M: (Ignores B and ploughs on) What do the initials....(sfx: breeep....breeep.....breep) I've started so I'll finish....what do the initials API stand for?

B: Agreed Points Invalid.

M: I'm afraid not, the correct...

B: I'm afraid so Magnumimum dee bumbum, it's what every service agreement in our industry is based on, it's the single greatest reason for our....

M: And so Freddie Goodwin, at the end of that round you have scored just eight points and no passes!

B: No, that was ten points....

M:...you got just two answers wrong, the term for...

B: No I didn't. This is nothing short of regulation.

M: No, just the rules.....

B: Exactly - regulation. No banking system can exist in an environment of bureaucratic regulation hindering our ability to....

M: It's bloody cold in here.

B: That's because you've got no shirt on.

M: Correct. You took it off me.

B: Only as a down-payment. You're shivering. Wanna buy a house?

M: What?

B: You could catch pneumonia. We can't have you being a bad risk. You need somewhere warm to live.

M: I'm dead you moron.

B: Stop whingeing. There's no ageism at RBS...we could offer you a very reasonable mortgage. Rolled up with the watch and at our special Cadaver's rate of 11% per month, by the time the property market has gone completely down the khazi, you could afford a bijou town room in one of our architect-designed Old People's Cupboards.

Enter Alan Sugar stage left. He walks to centre stage and points at Fred the Shed.

AS: You're a wanker Badloss. You're fired.

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