japan in car export suicide horror

There was a Nip in the air once more last night as millions of Japanese cars committed ritual suicide following their humiliating inability to sell. As auto exports fell by 132.7%, Emperor Hurrishitsuun declared a Day of National Self-Topping, and by nightfall every cliff-bottom and beach was covered in the deep detritus of Nissan, Toyota, Hyundai, Mibisushi, Honda, Mazda, Hazbeen and Honoyoundaisan. Said motoring correspondent Julian Twynne-Bugatti, "The once-famous Land of Rising Sun has become the Land of the Falling Datsun". Later Jereboam Klaxon called this "the worst line in the history of tedious car programmes".

Japan or Korea: which has the funny little trees and which eats dogs? Vote Now!

Top economic visionary Gordon Brown has been explaining to the world why the real threat it now faces is indeflation.

"I have been spraying sky-borne CO2 in all directions so that we can lift forty million er pooower people out of wherever they are" he explained, "and to show by example that global solutions require globetrotting men of tomorrow like me."

Mr Frown continued, "I am the best man to handle this crisis because having watched it develop from close quarters and waited patiently for ten years to observe its effects without interfering much well not at all actually, I can now step back, weigh in and add insight to my oversight. And it is my clear conviction that there is a new threat called indeflation whereby nobody and nothing can make up their minds about whether we need more, less, up, down, green or red. And that's why I'm going to explain my vision one day African babies, drowning polar bears, do-nothing Tories and vote for me".

Is Gordon a Big man for the Job or just a Big Jobbie? Vote Now!

Exclusive:

pm's brain losing it - world saviour to face radical radio-surgery

The Prime Minister is suffering from Brownwashing, as shown by the reconstruction above in which data passes from A to B without being collected.

In the artist's impression above, the new NHS stem-cell anti-bonkers accelerator removes Mr Brown's aural cavity syndrome and replaces it with specially treated synthetic braindead policies. (Reuters)

have you ever been brownwashed? text your story to us ensuring that we don't have to do anything

Haringey social workers 'dented Mexican border defences'

The US Ambassador in London made a formal complaint to a passing Parking Meter Attendant this afternoon following the attempt by Shoesmith Haringey Shock-troops to enter the USA illegally in order to save its children from a normal infancy. Although the attempt failed, a ten-mile wide dent in the border fence was created, following which the Mexican government claimed ownership of the space thus created. Legendary American heroes were gathering at the little-known Alamo Records Studio in order to cut a patriotic song penned by Simon Trowel, This Fence Ain't for Nothin' For Fuck's Sake.

Haringey Harman: Did she die in vain? Vote Now!

As the British Government underestimated the rate of descent into depression for the 541st week in a row, Mississippi statistician Darlene Kowalski was arrested on suspicion of giving false information to the IMF, and borrowing seventeen times her salary on a tree branch in her garden. Chancellor Atlasta Farthing told a press conference"We have reason to believe we can stick the whole thing on her - the sub-prime crisis, falling interest rates, Lehman Brothers, the torpedoing of the Lusitania and quantitative easing if it doesn't work. Yippee!"

She-Devil who held World to ransom P's 76-204

Somewhere in the region of £30 million was knocked off the value of Sir Fred Goodwin's home Badloss Manor last night as thieves stripped the entire roof of its specially made diamond-encrusted solid gold tiles.

Sir Freddie told our reporter "I'm gutted, this roof was a present from my good friend Arnold Schwarzenegger who got together with Jackie Stewart and Muhammed Ali to buy the roof as a tribute to my ego".

Later, police said a middle-aged Minister for Women was helping them with their enquiries. Said Sergeant N.A. Palm of the Higher Payington police station, "We have reason to believe that this woman is very experienced in the business of roof-scaling".