SATIRE/NOT BORN YESTERDAY

A BIT BROWNED OFF

The CBT therapist smiles as a familiar face enters his surgery. The smile is not returned.

Therapist (T): Ah yes, Gordon....do sit down.

Gordon Brown (G): Can I just take this opportunityto explain why we as a Government have.....

T: I'd really rather you didn't. May I ask first of all if you are familiar with CBT as a technique?

G: I am Britain's greatest ever Chancellor. I know everything.

T: Uh-huh. Erm, tell me more about that. Have you always believed this about yourself?

G: Of course. The facts speak for themselves....

T: Ah yes well, that's where CBT comes in you see....we can often build incorrect ideas of our worth....

G: I don't do incorrect.

T: ...fair enough, but sometimes events, you know, take their course and then we get a false impression of our achievements from what others might say.

G: Oh, ah, well yes - I agree with that, absolutely.

T: I see. In what way exactly?

G: Other people are always wrong.

T: Ahm no, I didn't mean that exactly....it's more that um, sometimes we pay far too much attention to others when in reality they don't really mean things the way we interpret them.....

G: Absolutely. Tony was just like that.

T: He was?

G: Of course. Kept on doing it for years, lying his head off about me taking over, until I said look here Bambi-ears, you just...

T: Quite, yes...well, let's not get into the detail just yet. I'm more interested in how you've interpreted events in your life. I'm going to say some things to you and I want you to reply, but without thinking too much about it.

G: I'm sorry?

T: I mean, you mustn't think too hard about your responses.

G: Why on earth not?

T: Well, because then they won't be natural.

G: Look, I'm the greatest political thinker of the Age. I think very hard about everything. It's the secret of my success.

T: Fine, OK - but just this once, don't. Alright?

G: If I must. I mean mustn't.

T: Great. OK, here goes: East Glasgow election result.

G: Scotland's way of saying they want Labour to be great again, and me to lead the Party.

T: But....the voters elected the SNP candidate.

G: Of course they did. Labour was being divisive, and wasting too much valuable time plotting against me. It was a protest vote.

T: Is that what you really think?

G: You asked me not to think.

T: So I did. Alright, let's try another one: Britain is better equipped than other EU countries to avoid a recession.

G: Correct.

T: No - you don't just agree....you give me your reaction.

G: That was my reaction.

T: But, um, the OECD, the Stock Exchange and the IMF have all said that Britain is worse off than most EU countries, and is already IN recession.

G: Well of course they do. But they're other people. They're wrong.

T: Right. Try this one: Your poll ratings are the lowest of any Prime Minister in history.

G: I am not any Prime Minister. Great men must have the strength to get through the bad times. The people know I am the man to tackle a crisis.

T: Riiiigghht.....here's another one: there are more people in poverty now than there were when you took over....

G: Perhaps.....but I've lifted more people out of poverty than any Prime Minister in history.

T: Ah...but you said 'I'm not not any Prime Minister'.

G: Exactly. But the others were. That's why I've lifted more people out of poverty than any of them.

T: Errrr....OK, respond to this: you were the Chancellor of the Exchequer while Tony Blair was in charge.

G: And a good thing too, otherwise who knows what might have happened. That's why the voters trust me now to get them through this difficult time.

T: Good, OK- and this one: you sold gold at $250 an ounce, and since then the price has risen hugely.

G: But the price of gold is falling now. So I was right to diversify the Nation's investments away from gold.

T: And oil?

G: Runny black stuff that comes out of the ground.

T: Mr Brown, I don't think CBT is what you really need.

G: Oh I don't know - I've only been in here five minutes and I feel better already.

T: No, what I mean is, CBT is for people who underrate their abilities and achievements.

G: Ah. Hmm. I see what you mean. You mean, I already know I'm a genius?

T: Not exactly no - I mean, you rate yourself much more highly than other people do.

G: Of course....that's what I'd expect.

T: You would? Why?

G: Well, it goes to prove what I said at the start about other people: they're always....

T: Wrong?

G: Exactly.

T: Well thank you Mr Brown, I don't think I need detain you any longer.

G: Excellent. Six minutes, and I'm cured. You know, when Johnson told me this was quick, I didn't believe him. Look, there's this fellow Miliband....I wonder if you could spend some time.....

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