turning the tables on junk calls & mail

What follows below has been sent by an nby reader, for which I am very grateful. It is nothing less than the potential banishment of telemarketing reptiles forever. Whenever these pond invertebrates ring, my own technique is to (1) Say Mr Ward has moved and pretend to be a heavy-breather….asking what they’re wearing etc (2) Pretend to be the Taiwanese house-boy using the old B-Movie technique of saying ‘I tie your shoe, you tie my shoe’ very quickly all the time (3) Ask them if they want to buy a lawnmower and then hard-sell it or (4) Ask them if they’ve heard about the leakage of radioactive material in Bombay/Belfast/Newcastle/Liverpool as appropriate. The overall result, I think, is to gradually get listed as entirely insane.

 Spike Milligan, however, had the best answer of the lot: he used to say ‘Hang on a second’ and then plug them in to another company’s call-centre options repertoire. He was a brilliant man.

Anyway, herewith the more scientific solution....

(1) 'Hold on please...'

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off ( instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset .... you have efficiently completed your task.

These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone

calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a  

'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering:

If you notice there is no one there, immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system.

3: When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right?

It costs them more than the regular postage 'IF' and when they are returned.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away!

In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little,

postage-prepaid return envelopes.

Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express ... they might need one!

Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... in case their canteen packs up... You get the idea.

If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form .. after all, it is their form.

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you return.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all ... you are just returning it.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks .. we need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail - and best of all, they're paying for it ... twice.

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again.

You get the idea, we think.....

This article was contributed by the Adman Crozier Appreciation Society....in bitter memory of the greedy Jock who gave us Sven Goran Erikkkkssssonnn and a crappy Mail service

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