One day, all news will be like this
Anglo-American couple found guilty of having row in Sun
Madogga and Sly...'dignified'
Islamist leaders were in uproar last night as uberclass dream couple Sludge and Sly Richey were found guilty by supreme N'udescorp leader Ayatolla Myrrh Doch of divorcing naked on a public front page.
Said born-again fundamentally deranged cultural terrorist Doch, "This is a crime against our profit Mammonahammed who decreed that dysfunctional mad couples good at selling newspapers should never be obsessed with weird religions or go the pub with their mates without first telling me. Calling each other profane names requiring me to use hissy asterisks is a crime against son of God B'oulah, punishable by devoting P's 4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10 to drivel about hopes for a dignified divorce for the sake of the kids when what we really want is The Juicier the Better."
EXCLUSIVE: PIERS MORGAN IN 3 IN BED PAN- P 3
WORLD MARKETS SURGE ON BAIL OUT
Little Al....baling out
Stock traders were euphoric this afternoon as Mr & Mrs McNobody's little darling Ali bailed out the front bit of his Dad's boat with an old paint tin. Shares in old boats soared shortly afterwards on the high-pressure Down Jones Pyrex, followed swiftly by associated sectors such as paintbrushes, fine-art canvases and gin palaces.
By 3pm EST, the KNEESY index stood at 43,018.224. But the shine was taken off things as Mrs Ethel Wett went before BBCNews cameras to announce that the global fire brigade rescue of her cat Warhol had failed dismally - at a cost to the taxpayer of 34 billion tins of Catofish.
At the NYSE bell surrounded by smiley vacant waving folks, the market finished at -17,000,001.017
SHOULD THE US SELL BUSH? Full report P 76
International Rescue swings into action....
BLUNDERNERDS ARE GO!
Scott Gordon and his kid brother Al powered up their Blundernerd cardboard rockets yesterday in a daring bid to wipe out the alien forces of Meltdown Crunch. "It was a great day for Blundernerds" said family head Jeff Footsey, "at this rate we will be right back where we started last week at a cost of just £500 trillion".
This perspective was backed up by Lady Penelope Dow-Jones, who told reporters outside her loft apartment in Subprime Ohio, "I'm especially pleased to see my boys Virgeorge and Hankyjohn piling in with another 250 zillion bucks - more than enough to ensure that we wound up right back where we started yesterday. This is great news for taxpayers".
Meanwhile, unsung hero 'Brains' Bernanke ensured that the stampede south was stemmed with his unique invention, the Golder Dam:
Eighteen million bears trapped behind Fort Knox Dam, P 00000
GORDON OF PONTOON!
Brown...Monty Casino's flying circus
Hearts a-flutter as wisecracking Brown risks all on Treasury Red
SAYS:
The bold general in charge of Fortress Britain has shown his gambling streak, and in one swell poop shown Johnny Frog how to give it some Beef Wellington in the casino. This sort of Bulldog breed balls is a welcome relief from that slimey see you next Tuesday Blair who we never liked anyway! In what could have been a scene from Bond in his sub-prime, 007 James Brown shouted 'Ah feeeeel good!' as he put 500 billion big ones on Red. Yes, it looks like Goforit Gordon will be the man who broke the Bank of England at Monte Carlo - so the Sun says 'Well done Gordo, keep it up, cobber!'
'Nar look Campbell, that's the last fackin' favour I'm doin' you lot'
'Understood, Rupe - the cheque's in the post. Good luck with the old folks in Beijing'
Zimbabwe power-sharing delivers top post to Tsvangirai team
Token pole....very tall
Benificent absolute democratic ruler of Zumbabspiel His Everlasting Highness Bob Godmaybe proved as good as his word* today by offering Mr Tsvangirai's Opposition power-sharing Party an enormous wooden post in the suburbs of Hurrahree. Said Tsvangarai afterwards, "Ah am ov'come wib dis heyah uhffa, which am becomin' surely de legacy bah which we all remembrin' Missah Mbeki. Mainly howebba ah shall be overcomin' Bobby at de first optunitee".
* The word was 'fuckyou'.
ZUMA CALLS FOR POST-POST TALKS, P 3901
HAGUE IN FELINE KIDNAP DRAMA
Barclays....Whiskas-a-go-go
Trough-prone Shadow Foreign Secretary William Vague's judgement was cast into doubt last night after it became clear that he accompanied his wife Fee-on during a mindless half-million quid piss-up arranged by sincerely contrite Barclays directors about to ask the Government for a £35 billion lifeline.
Said Conservative Dissembler-in-Chief Dinsdale Waugh-Wah, "As many people close to the couple know, William and Ffffion Hague are heavily into the sort of sex involving husbands very reluctantly consenting to being dragged by the hair and effectively forced to attend such tedious events as this. After careless consideration of the fact that William is the only Tory Front Bench spokesman with a fully-equipped brain, our leader Ddddavid Cameringue has decided that Mr Plague should continue in his post as Conservative spokesman on Foreign Jollies."
CAMPBELL 'SHAGGED LABOUR SAFE SEAT' - P 9