(2.10.07)

The Hand on Heart thing

GUIDANCE FOR POLITICIANS

Briefing dated 10/10/07, derived Ministry of Media Truth

Effective immediately

The latest Google Spider News Search we have commissioned shows that it is rapidly becoming standard practice to address questions to Ministers beginning "Yes, but can you put your hand on your heart and say....?"

Our concern here is not whether those copied on this briefing can say this or that thing with hand on or off heart, as empirical data shows you will say anything provided no commitment is made. Rather, the requirement is to display no doubt whatsoever about how to place a hand suitably near to where the vital organ is.

Atached to this paper is a more detailed medical guide provided by the NHS Emergency News Management Committee, but for the purposes of imminent application, the following simple guidelines should be followed.

LOCATION OF BODY ORGAN: HEART

WRONG!

The above respondent is under the mistaken impression that he is in the Southern Hemisphere, where things are the other way round. As he lives in Washington DC, he is using (a) the wrong arm and (b) the wrong side of his chest cavity.

WRONG!

This man's arm (the wrong one, as it happens) has been interrupted on its way towards the wrong heart location. He suffers from a syndrome common among politicians, that is, a desire to kiss himself at frequent intervals, in between babies.

WRONG!

This person is using the wrong number of hands (two) to cover the wrong body bit (back bottom) in an attempt to perform the most common reflex political action, arse covering. The model in question (Foreign Secretary Daisy Millibum) has missed the heart organ by some considerable distance.

WRONG!

Seen here in Monoscope black & white is the junior Minister of Numbers. He has just been asked a long-division question by ah William ah Hague ah, and as a result has suffered a coronary infarction. As he does not know where this is, the Minister's hand has collided with his forehead in the hope of finding relief. But although using the correct arm, he has mistaken bonce for ticker.

CORRECT!

The quick-thinking Prime Minister has chopped off both his arms. This means that not only (a) can he not be seen to get the organ location wrong, but also (b) nobody dare ask him to put his hand on his heart, as this is like asking David Blunkett "Do you see what I mean?"

More importantly, from here on Gordon goes from being a man with one eye to a man with one eye and no arms. This puts him one ahead of Nelson, and therefore a sure thing for the new pigeon target on Trafalgar Square when he dies.

Recommendation

All senior Ministers to have surgical arm removal procedure. The advantages are:

1. More room to snuggle up on the Front Bench

2. Massive sympathy vote resulting in permanent 180+ majority

3. No awkward hand-on-heart enquiries

4. Nobody has more arms than Gordon

5. Freedom from accusations of arms dealing

6. Cannot shake hands with the Devil

7. No hands in the till

Briefing ends 10.10.07 0300 hours (12.10.07)

PM'S SENSATIONAL ANSWER AT PMQS PUTS CAMERON IN HIS PLACE

"Gotcha!"

Cameron: Prime Minister, are targets getting in the way of NHS anti-killer bug action?

Gordon Brown: And my straight answer is 'no' - haha - that got you didn't it, heh, wisarse? If the Leader of the Opposition were better informed, he would know that the only reason we're missing MRSA targets is crap marksmanship ha ha ha. (Loud cheers and shouts of 'Get him Gordon'). I will take no lessons from pipsqueaks about how to clean hospitals ho-ho, how witty although I say so myself, especially now I have my two new secret ingredients DEEPKLEEN and TWO-MATRONS

(Cameron's jaw drops as the House falls into silence....)

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO NEW COI ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN. WE OPEN ON GORDON BROWN IN AN ESSENTIALLY NON-POLITICAL STANCE AS THE BROWN ARROW.....

.....A SADLY ONE-EYED SUPERHERO USING HIS GORDOVISION TO SEEK OUT KILLER BUGS.

Up sound as Gordon speaks to camera:

"My fellow Utopians, I am pleased with myself, and also to announce that I have superhuman powers already revealed in my role as our Best Ever Chancellor. Among these are DEEPKLEEN (developed on the planet Jok from Deepfriedmarzbarz) and TWO-MATRONS (cloned from my aunties, Morag and Guoul). Over now to our science correspondent Herr Singular Fraud.....

"Zo, first of all ze Deepkleen will work as follows....zere will be ze cleanink of ze hands, observe.....

"...jawohl, ziss has been developed in Gairmany, where we found zat ze cleanink of ze hands scored better zan ze could-not-be-arsed in terms of keepink ze MRSA at bay, und ze cleanink of Hans was makink him less geschmellen. But finally und most importantly, we haff ze Two-Matrons, ze Fuhrer's Vengeance-Weapons against ze decadent liberal democracies.....

Cut to TWO-MATRONS, speaking to patient:

"Now then Mr Ming, it's time for your daily dose of wire-brush and Dettol....."

Fade down to grey, fade up logo:

'GORDON "TWO-MATRONS" BROWN. YOU KNOW IT'LL WORK'

Ripple-dissolve back to PMQs. Cameron wears a knowing smile, for he has a quip in mind.

Cameron: That's all well and not very good Prime Minister, but it's a load of conkers. (Waves of Opposition laughter, and cries of 'Resign! Resign!' Nobody is entirely sure who these cries are aimed at). But I have it on the best authority that 25% of NHS Trusts miss their cleanliness targets. Will the Prime Minister now admit that hitting lazy dirty NHS employees over the head with a conker would be far more effective?" (Raucous laughter on the Conservative benches, where most MPs think Cammers is joking)

We end on a Tory poster campaign shortly afterwards:

LABOUR MRSA POLICY IS ALL BOLLOCKS

CARING CONSERVATISM CONKERS ALL

_____________________________________________________________________________________________ (18.10.07)

BROWN: DOCTORS' VERDICT

"Without aaagh shadow of doubt, he has POETS syndrome" says William of Hague

Aaaagh, from this ah picture aaahgbove, we can see aaah classic exaaample of the POETS syndrome patient in aaaaah state of denial. Sufferers often do this ah slightly Gay face in aaaaan attempt to stop we specialists from exaaaaamining their tongues. Only by examining their tongues can we be sure that they haaaaaave POETS syndrome.

Shortly aaaaafter this aaahhh picture was aaah takenaa, myself and fellow surgeon Sir Rabid Caaaaameron wrestled the Laird of Brown to the ground, and using aaaah spaaatulaaaah, we aaah pulled his tongue out.

You see, POETS syndrome (Permanent One-Eyed Trouser Snakiness) is best diagnosed (aaaaaaa) from the eye - how many are working? - and (b) the shape of the tongue. Our initiaaaal examinaaaytion showed the Laird to be monoculaaaaar, but the aaah clincher was the snake tongue as shown below:

The Brown tongue: irrefutable evidence of POETS

On being shown this shot, Lord Hobbit of Suffix asserted that "The subject quite clearly has the characteristically forked tongue of POETS syndrome, and from his notes it is clear that the chap is a complete Dick. The prognosis is not good, in that if remaining outside the walls of a high-security detainment centre for the Politically Inane, he is likely to become increasingly unbelievable. My recommendation is that he should get on his bike as quickly as possible."

____________________________________(23.10.07)

Patent awarded to G.Brown

Design for a Vision

Mark XXVII (d/99612)

THE PRIME MINISTER EXPLAINS....

Outlined in very simple form above is my carefully constructed vision of Britain's future, and how all of us (but mainly you) will be rising to the challenge of the future in a fast-changing global market within which we will lead the world in everything, once the figures have been handed to you on a heart. Follow the numbers carefully - it couldn't be easier, especially if you're a flawed, complex genius.

1. The arrow of Uncertainty travelling in its accustomed direction, able to destroy us all were it not for the vision I am now setting out before you

2. The Main Thrust of the vision's strategy as a means of evading uncertainty

3. The Left rear Wing, requiring manipulation with anti-hunting legislation from time to time, and sometimes the very thing driving us towards disaster - without my vision

4. The computerised stabiliser via which 13 out of 17 economic forecasts were wrong and Northern Rock went up the pictures. This contains my personally controlled mechanism, The Fat Tabby's Vernons Coupon System, able to give away £18 billion at the drop of a share price

5. Second eye for when my vision is on the blink

(P1 - poke in the second eye from Cameron, dealt with by use of quantum fields 6, 8 and 9 - the Invisible Reverse-Thrust Policy-Stealing Flaps)

7. There is no 7. I have a thing about the number seven. That was the age at which, um, never mind that now....

10. Visionary Directional Guidance Predictor

10a. Back-up VDGP when VDG's P is wrong

11. Non-existent Tail Spin Time dilating Post-rationaliser

12. Special dog-wagging tail for when focus groups say I'm likeable and Opinion Polls say I might win

13. Sensible advice entry port

14. Sensible advice exit port. (Can be directed into field of Policy-Stealing Flaps)

15. Last resort fan-shit avoidance ejector seat mechanism

0. Maximum distance travelled by the Vision

'I AH RECALL AH THIS AH VISION AH VERY AH WELL AH FROM AH MY MCKINSEY DAYS AHHHHGGG' says Tory-boy VAGUE

What I did on my holidays

I say to you all, cap on head, that this so-called vision is nothing more or less than Standard Diagram 6 from the McKinsey Handbook chapter entitled 'What to show when the client asks awkward questions'.

WHY THIS DOUBLE-VISION IS DOUBLE-TALK

argues Dippy Dave Cameron

Now, this might be thick, but it will be me.....the trouble with all these pointy-headed boffins is that they drivel on about stuff we ordinary chaps living in the real world where people went to Eton and just got on with it for crying out loud, the...er, hang on a minute...look, this may be all over the place, but at least it's live and there's no spin at all unfortunately because that's what we can't have any more, right? Just call me Dave.

Too clever by seven-eighths, that's Mr Brown's problem. He wants to lead from the front but he's losing from the back. He's the only Prime Minister in history who passed all the exams but spends too long examining all the passes. Vision? More like bloody Eurovision if you ask me.

BBC ASKS ANDREW SPARRK TO TUNE INTO THE VISION

"It's not a vision as we know it "

______________________________

(25.10.07)

POLICE STILL BAFFLED BY BLAIR DISAPPEARANCE

Mr Flair before his disappearance: what is the meaning of the cryptic mug message?

Middle Eastern police forces continued to search last week for Mr Crony Flair, the missing legacist and former Spin patient who disappeared some two days after his sworn friend Mr Gordon McDoom succeeded to his job.

His wife Cherie addressed a tearful news conference yesterday in Baghdad.

Cherie Fruitcake...big ugly gob hid any tears

Mrs Eclair (who was not herself tearful) told newsmen:

"I only went to see seven astrologists and while I was away - it can't have been more than thirty-six hours - he vanished into thin air. I appeal to anyone who sees somebody bearing any resemblance to my Tony - please, please think of his legacy, and then do what you must. He is just a frightened, washed-up little former Prime Minister."

Mrs Blair....more recent picture

But some Arab reporters were openly critical of the former Cherry Booth-Clibborn. One told the Neuters news agency, "I cannot imagine how any woman with a sick husband could neglect him in this way, in my country we would stone her for doing this". When asked why, the Arab (who refused to be named) replied "For letting the slimey little bastard get away of course." He then melted into the crowd, but our photographer Telefotini Snappanazi caught this fleeting shot of him:

Two Arab boys...who?

Sauces close to the slap-up bunfight we all had later identified the mystery man (right, bit of a dish, don't like yours sweetie) as male impersonator Gertrude Dinnerjacket, the infamous velvet-tipping uranium enricher of Tehran. Is there a clue here to the vanished Mr Blair (known to playmates as 'Moral Tone') ? Or is this just a gratuitous lesbian-transsexual-queer shot? Adding to the riddle as ever was the missing man's Consultant Anaesthetist Alice de Camp-Bellend, the spinster credited with transforming Crony Flair from a star-struck back-bench MP into a dumb-fuck front-bottom PM.

Bellend....always talking about size of willy

Holding a copy of his memoirs aloft, Alice explained to the newshounds, "This man is absolutely central to the cause of Middle East conflict, and further sales of my book which will of course include updated chapters provisionally to be called 'The Wilderness Years'. If you see him, please ring Rupert Murdoch immediately".

Later in the day, Bellend and Mrs Fruitcake-Doughnut appeared together in a specially faked portrait in order to face charges that they had been pissed when Mr Flair disappeared. Throughout an exclusive interview given to the world's media, the couple denied charges of neglect.

Jamroll (left) and Alice (right)

"He was just a very sunny, delightful, delusional little gravy-train" said grim-faced spinster Alice, "A man who should simply be returned to our care as it is some twenty-seven years since he was last out on his own." Tight-lipped with a cantilever support under her chin, Cherry Pie-Inskye said through gritted teeth "I appeal now to the person who has taken him, for Heaven's sake remember what he has been through...three decades of marriage to an old ratbag like me, ten years as a spin-sufferer, and then several weeks without any flash-bulbs in his face at all."

But the session was interrupted sensationally as the newspaper Corriere della Sera, Sera released a blurrgghed photograph of a man they claimed to be Bluurrggh.

Could this be missing PM?

Hearts quickened when computer-enhanced beard removal showed this image:

Enhanced image...plastic surgery?

"It's him, I'd know him anywhere" said Princess Anne-Dew of Falklands when shown the picture, but it turned out to be his long-time on-off love rat Mr Alex Ferguson.

Chief Email Finder-General Sheik Jonn-I-Yatesh was quickly called in to report on progress. He later told innocent bystanders, "Based hon my henquiries, hi fink that hit seems likerly that Mister Flared-Trousers has been the victim hof a dosh for hemails conspiracy. Hunfortunately, Hi cannot prove that hallegation sufficiently, has powers hof darkness have hintervened".

Sheik Yatesh....thick as thieves

next week: does this picture suggest a clue?

_______________________________________________________________________________________

In conjunction with Mr Frederick Karno's Circus, a Nail-biting act for all the family.....

Gordo the Great Imponderable

Yes, Gordo the Imponderable has every education answer at his nail-free fingertips....for only he has GORDOVISION

Beryl Gumboil of Rochdale asks: What is the square root of knob-all?

Gordo: An excellent question if I may say so, and very close indeed to what we've achieved since coming to power all those many years ago when children still went up chimneys and worked 27 hour days in the Satanic mills and boon.

Furthermore, I feel we all need to think about why Comprehensives have failed and why all those agitprop teachers of the 1970s produced the hopelessly thick bastards who voted Conservative in 1979 and thus forced Red Hot left-wing Jocks like me to become off-pink Tory Liberals in order to get power, and yet despite having only one eye and facing floods, terrorism and a stock market crisis, I have survived to become the heat-forged man of steel you see before you today.

Sir Norman Byke-Poalcatte wonders: Why is it that my Dad left school at eight and won the Nobel Prize for mining before he was sixteen, but my grandchildren are illiterate?

Gordo says: I think if I may say so, ah, you're reading rather a lot into the figures there Norman, which proves you can read and without the remarkable Labour Government of before I was born, that wouldn't have been possible for somebody like you, whereas unbelievably clever men like me flogged daily by their loving fathers are made of sterner stuff, and that's how I became our Greatest Ever Chancellor and saved the country from the ravages of Tory neglect and thus prepared myself to be the, ah, heat-forged man of steel you see before you today.

Gerald Tweade-Jacquette asks: I mean what is the point of molly-coddling small non-adult Underclass persons who should be seen and not heard because they've been strangled at birth, and furthermore giving them the exam answers in the questions and wanting them all to go to the Varsity what, when all we need is some plumbers who can spell and know their left-hand thread from their right?

Gordo says: The whole point of an education system is to give every child the opportunity to help them meet our targets. Now, er, aha if you don't mind me saying so Gerald, if we don't lower the bar, how are the young people of today who are the future of our tomorrow going to get over it ha-ha-ha and I will take no lessons from double-barrelled stuck-up chinless Sassenachs about how to overcome barriers ah-ha, um, wobble - for it was by ignoring and then disguising appalling personality problems that I rose to become the heat-forged man of steel you see before you today.

Ms Adrienne Mars asks: So what exactly is your vision for our education system then?

Gordo says: I think if I may say so I have more than a vision. Rather, I see my insights about education as stemming from a social democratic and Presbyterian youth in which I first felt some kind of empathy with mathematical complication, obfuscation of answers and all the learned achievement of learning vis a vis modern Globalist education which helped me to become the heat....

Ms Adrienne Mars: You don't have a vision do you? You're making it up as you go along aren't you?

Gordo says: Um, wobble, er....sorry madam, but that's two questions there, in fact if my superbrain does not deceive me - and indeed my ears of which I am blessed with two, one each side of my head in the customary manner, that's three questions and everyone must get a fair hearing, so....next question please....

Brown.....getting in touch with mental age (2.11.07)

__________________________________________________________________________

REVEALED: THE ROYAL SHAME THEY TRIED TO KEEP QUIET, SWEEP UNDER THE CARPET SO IT REMAINED SECRET AND NOT LET ANYONE KNOW ABOUT IT AT ALL EVER, COVERING IT UP IN A CONSPIRACY OF SILENCE UNTIL A BENT COPPER TIPPED US THE WINK, AND SAY NO MORE SQUIRE.

Glasgow socialite Strachan....'denies everything'

____________________________________________________________________________________________

The Cover Story: Lord Linley snorting while being snorted. (I mean come on, the bloody stuck-up Windsors never liked him anyway)

Nby Says: What a load of old cock!

The buried news item: Prince Harry questioned about rare birds at Sandringham.

Nby Says: Harry may have thought the birds had flown - wrong, Ginger features!

SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE SENSATIONAL REVELATIONS.....

ROYAL PRINCE AND CELTIC MANAGER 'JOINED FIVE IN BED GINGER ORGY'

claims Glaswegian housewife Morag McScrewam

The House of Windsor was rocked to its only recently-underpinned foundations this week as vivacious call-girl Morag McScrewam alleged that she had been one of three redheads sharing a bed on the Balmoral Estate. Although the media were fed red herrings about bird-shooting on the Sandringham Estate, we* can now reveal that the only reds in the bed were at Balmoral...or Ballymoral as we should perhaps now be calling it.

"Och hen, there was the fave of ozz" shapely Morag, 43, told our reporter Rory McLemon, "An' ah tell ye, that bladdy Harry, heezza fookin' pairv.....it was ginger or nuthan for ham...there wuzz me, ma mate Eileen, hair mate Jeannie and this Strachan bloke all writhan aboot".

Harry.....'likes hedgehogs'

________________________________________________________________________________________________

* Actually, only Ms Mcscrewam claims this.

Look here Hamish, can you really make all this shit stand up? Only we've only got this prozzer's word for it, and it's not as if we're dealing with fucking Jeffrey Archer here and let's face it even he got off. Alex x

OK sod it, let's drop it and go with the Mandelson gay Hungarian four commissioners in a four-poster thing. Hame xx (30.10.07)

_______________________________________________________________

Laughing at the present/Thinking about the future

UURRGH

The handy screen-size mag that goes close-up on the Body Politic

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THIS WEEK - MORE POLITICOS ON THE MUCOUS MERRY-GO-ROUND!!

En route from the liquormart, wee Georgie gets caught scoring a bogey

Our snapper captures Dave discreetly flicking his snotball straight at Headmaster Arnold Flange

Tee hee, Sarko caught about to enjoy a hooter crisp

GELI FRUMPS AGAIN...OH DEAR!!

Bad call....Ginger Merkel booed as she steps out in pink and later, having been shot dead by German terrorist group Fashionista 18 - what a hoot!?!

Nah then, nah then Gordy - what's a goin' on ear??!!!??

In an attempt to hide the green bile dribbling from his ears, Mr Brown turns his head - but your smile didn't fool us....we're not that green Prime Minister! Yes, it's that pesky demon in his brain, at it again.....get some earplugs Jock!!!

What's love-rat Dave up to now, Mrs Cameron???

While continuing to deny rumours about her on-off relationship with drivel-fuelled bad boy David Camelot, we're not so sure girl - looks to us like they've been having some heated debates. And what about that leerrrv bite, eh?? Is he Dave or is he Dracula???!!!?

Yes, it's Mahmoud the Iranian Insanian!!

Celebrating backstage after humiliating the British Navy, Badmood the Dinnerjacket shows exactly where he just stuck it to the Infidel - nice!?! But once again, UUUURGH's cameras were on the spot to leave the towelhead terrorist in the shit!!!!!

EXCLUSIVE! ROUGH TRADE COMMISSIONER'S GORGEOUS NEW LOOK...We don't know what makes EU Trade Commissioner Mandolf Fondlegruber so hungry for Hungary - but out in the streets of blooming Budapest last week, Mandy was sporting a new look under the schnozz. Rumour has it that his Magyar mates prefer a bit of tickle with the slap - and more bristle on the brush!!! Although taken off Guard (and another hunk who didn't leave his name) Herr Schickletickle told our reporter "I should like to promise all your readers in England that I have no territorial demands to make in Europe, apart from the budget".

___________________________________

WOT SEZ

FUCK OFF EYETIES

How come that the minute we lose the odd game or twelve, the coward Barwick has to go grovelling to a rabble of Bolognese-biting reverse-gear tank monkeys? What's wrong with an English manager like Sam Allardyce or Harry Redknapp or my neighbour Jack Nasseem God bless his little Paki socks?

Alright, so Fabio Capone or whatever his greasy name is has won a few trophies here and there, but does that give this jackbooting fascisti the right to shove Sir Trev out of the way? Of course not!

And it's not enough that he's sticking his fat Roman shovel into the FA's dwindling bank account - Marco Polo only wants to bring lots of Maldinis and Giovannis and Spaghettinis here all jabbering away at the parliamo Italiano...how's a world class wallet-swinger like Frankie Lampard going to know his uno-due from his old one-two?

The Sun says, we all know about the Eyties: no heart, no spine....a shower of bottom-pinching gigolos swanning about in gondolas and singing Just One Cornetto - well not on our hallowed turf, Alfonso! When we want a national team with eleven defenders we'll be in touch - but you can stick your Forza Italia up yer o sole mio in the meantime.

Starting today, your soaraway Sun begins a nationwide campaign - Shaddapayoface Fabio. Get back on that Aitalia with the hairy armpits and stay in the land of Mafia and Pollo Milanese - for good!

P 5 - WHY NOBBY STILES WAS THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB

P'S 6-91 - PETITIONS ABOUT HANGING BARWICK, McCLAREN, WENGER, FERGUSON AND ALL THE OTHER JOHNNY WOGS WE CAN FIND

P 98 - TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT LINGUINI

P104 - LEARN ITALIAN IN A DAY

(December 2007)

_____________________________________________

the independent

Today, The Independent asks five questions that nobody else in the media is asking because they don't understand everything like what we do and their readers aren't bright like what ours are:

Why was Harry Brownknapp arrested and did he bung or was he bunged?

Is Tony Blairwin in Panama and did he go off in a canoe because New Labour is up shit creek without a paddle?

Is Alistair Darling's DNA on the missing disks, or the Northern Rock loan, or his mum's mantlepiece?

Does any other national newspaper cover its front page with long and tedious headlines, and is this why sales are falling?

Even longer articles inside, P's 2-397

(December 2007)

______________________________________________________

going for gold snafu

Number One: Weymouth road access

Not born yesterday is on the record from the day after winning the bid as saying winning 2012 would turn into disaster without daily monitoring of what the Government is doing - given that the Government doesn't know what it's doing from one day to the next.

Within the first fifteen months, the Jowell budget trebled, as you'd expect with someone signing personal £6million mortgage agreements without reading any of them.

This is the first in a series unashameadly devoted to helping (1) make the games a success and (2) make public every instance we can find demonstrating that - if left to New Labour - the whole event will be an almighty cock-up.

Weymouth - gateway to the Olympic sailing events.

All the Olympic water-based boat stuff will take place in the seas off Weymouth. This seems to be about the only thing everyone can agree on.

For example, one half of Weymouth & Portland Council says "we'd like to have better road links given 15,000 extra visitors per day are expected - but as this wasn't included in the bid, we'll be quite happy with the existing two-lane A roads". Another 25% say "we don't need a relief road", and the residue say "without a relief road at least, having Weymouth as the Olympic sailign venue will create the biggest traffic jams in UK history".

By contrast, the South West Ambulance Service NHS Trust is expecting 75,ooo extra visitors each and every day. GCSE-level mathematics shows that 15 into 75 goes six times, or roughly three times the number of lanes on the main roads into Weymouth - the A354 and the A352. (You should go to the site giving info on the Board Meeting involved: it's a classic. The SW NHS report was prepared by none other than a Resilience Manager. Further comment would be superfluous).

Go to the Highways section of W&P Councils website, and this alone greets the reader:

Say something, do nothing

Cometh the hour, cometh the oh blimey it's Brown

It's a rum old world, is it not, in which the Centre Stage Prime Ministerial statement prior to the Easter break consists of an announcement to the effect that there will be a National Security Strategy - as opposed to a local tactical security muddling-through thingy, a national insecurity syndrome, or nothing at all.

The dour, almost clerical manner in which Gordon Brown presented this 'NSS' to the Commons had even me gaping open-mouthed at the man's brass neck. While I am the first to accept that (for example) radical Islamism must be vigorouslyopposed by all civilised people, the simple truth is that without insanely liberal New Labour immigration policies - and ill-advised foreign adventurism - Great Britain would have far fewer mad Mullahs here, and be much less of a target for those who see any and all opposition to misogynist cruelty as the green light for open warfare.

The same Party which asked us to sign up to the privileged minorities of idiotic multiculturalism was here asking British citizens to accept swingeing reductions in personal liberty - as the means to an end of stopping afterlife fantasists from bombing every institution in the UK which might take their fancy.

But of course, the NSS will be mobilised to deal with many other 'threats'. Among these are flooding (this from a Labour government that has done nothing to either punish or condemn the privatised fat cats responsible for it) climate control (New Labour caught yet again lying about its carbon output by the ONS last week) and pandemic disease (because the government can't even organise the washing of hands in hospitals, nor control archaic and filthy fowl slaughter-houses).

The Prime Minister's myopic pronouncements - "this is not like old Cold War security" when Putin's Russia is a clear and present danger - were laced with the usual empty promises about transparency and inclusiveness, and meaningless pledges about a 'national register of risks'. When will our politicians finally grasp that reviews, charters, registers, transparently hypocritical transparency promises and words like 'inclusiveness' make most Britons of all creeds and ethnicities want to yawn at best and vomit at worst?

For once, the two Opposition leaders were right on the money: Cameron called the announcement "a list rather than a strategy", while Nick Clegg merely observed how the speech told everyone what threats exist rather than what to do about them. Confusing definition with solution has been New Labour's self-applied blindfold from Day One. Those who choose the policy blindfold must expect electoral execution. (28.03.08)

Caught manipulating prices again....lots of lovely, lovely speculators in the City fuelling baseless rumours managed to drive down the HBOS price by 17% last Wednesday.

or

Caught crying wolf again.....lots of lovely, lovely bankers claiming that speculators have been driving their price down etc etc (see above)

Who knows? They're as bad as each other. Words like honour, thieves, flies and shit come to mind.

HBOS.....broke or burgled? The choice is yours

Slick and Dick....end of an era

But hang on - surely that couldn't happen?

Forgive the editoral team at nby, but we are having a spell of hubris right now. As they say, pride comes before a fall, but allow us to enjoy the sweet taste of justification. It will not dilute our scrutiny of all things ridiculous over time ('going forward'), but to see a much-ridiculed perception ('Slick is thick, Dick is Prick') come true is very satisfying. The one hugely unsatisfying thing is that millions of families throughout Britain taken in by the 'abilities' of these two mentally disordered clowns are picking up the bill for their arrogant incompetence - with many more payments to come....and zero collateral at the end of the payment term.

Consider the news this week: YouGov tells us the feelgood factor is at -52, a record standing at twice the negative level of any reading taken since they began. 50% of Brits see themselves as 'in financial difficulty', and only 20% feel the government is equipped to either handle it or help them. A further poll by NOP/GfK describes the economic mood as 'the lowest on record'.

Also at a record low are approved mortgages. Over the last six weeks, 50% of all mortgages granted have been at a higher level. The interest rates on these bear no relation at all to the Bank of England's rate cuts. (You read it here first). The double whammy is that as ever the banks have ben quick to lower the savings rates - thus building up a further future pension crunch: savings as a proportion of income are now also at historical lows. (You read it here first).

The NAO says we are all paying too much for gas, electricity and phone services; profiteering, the NAO observes, is at epidemic levels. We are also paying twice what we were for local government services - because the Government has halved the subsidy to local Councils. (You read it here first). Helpfully, the Department for Communities predicts that these can only continue: well hang on guys - don't make it sound like an accident. These are your purse-strings we're talking about here.

The marginally overweight Philip Green (usually something of a Goforit) was quoted in the FT at the weekend on the retail outlook as follows:

'Anyone who doesn't believe there is a serious consumer weakness is on the wrong planet'.

Or, put another way, wishes they were on another one. The tightening of customer belts is now widely expected to blow away most of the retail froth built up on our high streets over the last ten years.

And just to top everything off nicely, Tough Teflon Tony's EU negotiating skills mean this year our contribution to The European Project will rise by close to a billion quid - or roughly 38%. The contributions will rise a further 58% by 2010. Why? No, sorry...you've got me there - ask me another.

The Brown Government is unravelling in a frightening manner. The neurotic and controlling PM fires off incandescent emails from 4.30am onwards, can't sleep, and is still availing himself of seriously heavy NHS joy-pills. He is the classic example of a detail-blinded accountant being promoted to the top job. (You read it here etc etc)

MUGABE IN SHOCK WIN

Bobby Mug....fisting his way to victory

Freedom-fighter and part-time election overseer Robert MuGodly romped to victory in the Zimbabwean elections this weekend, scoring 99.8% of all votes cast, with just 0.2% of votes being spoiled due to the presence of blood obscuring the way the Opposition treasonists had foolishly decided to vote, ie not for me, Honkey.

MARK THATCHER - YOU DECIDE: IS HE SHAMEFUL OR SHAMELESS?

Snatcher....not best liked

An exclusive OiGuv poll for nby has given Mark Thatcher a boost in that only 2% see him as shameless, and a mere 1.3% regard his behaviour as shameful.

But in what many of the Iron heir's apologists will see as a setback, under 'Other' in the survey, fully 87.5% of respondents answered 'twat', and the remainder told interviewers that the business tycoon 'should be flogged to death using the arse bone of a jaw while being simultaneously dragged by his tongue through the Gobi desert and then left for the giant ants to nibble at'.

Mr Thatcher stood accused of trying to sell his twin sister into slavery and offering his late father's remains to the Necrophilia League, but after pleading temporary venal stupidity he was cleared by a jury of Conservative Councillors. A third charge - that he had nothing to offer humanity except his surname - was dismissed by Justice Trousers before the trial as 'an unspeakably cynical attack on a young man who has led a blameless life of service to all those mercenaries who want to get rid of these appalling nin-nogs in Booloo-Goolo land'.

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*Until the money runs out

THIS IS A PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE FOR ALL THOSE KEEN TO BE ONE OF THE 100% GOING TO UNIVERSITY BY 2020,AND ALL THOSE TAXPAYERS COUGHING UP TOWARDS SUCH A DAFT IDEA

After spending billions of pounds on making it jolly attractive to be at the Varsity and thus rendering all those otherwise thick Hoodies awfully clever after hundreds of years spent being comprehensively ignorant pillocks, Her Majesty's Government would like to make it clear that over the last three years, the numbers deciding not to go to university have declined steadily.

Issued by the Taxpayers' Alliance Committe for the Garrotting of All New Labour Cabinet Ministers Once All This Madness in Finally Overand the Perpitrators Have Been Brought to Justice.

BA CEO Willy Walsh visited the T5 fuck-up inorder to apologise. The FT's front page ran the item, irony-free, as follows:

' "I take responsibility for waht happened" he said, "The buck stops with me". But he ruled out resigning'.

Content

NBY 'BRITAIN BANKRUPT' CLAIM REJECTED BY OFFICIAL RECEIVER

Amid claim and counterclaim yesterday, HBOS (Horrible Brown of Scotland) strenuously denied rumours put about by infamous website Not Born Yesterday that the UK is flat broke and unable to afford so much as a scrubbing brush to commence the clean-up of Britain's hospitals.

The Official Receiver of Taxes rubbished the nby accusation, arguing that 'thus far only an eighth of the tax budget has been gobbled up by the Applegarth Tendency. This still leaves us seven-eighths to play with, and we can confirm that a considered policy of backing Caledonian Syntax at 33-1 in the 3.30 at Thurrock has been set in motion and will surely see us through if Flatbrokes accepts the stake of £640 million.

( 5.4.08)

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Let me explain, Gordon

One borrowed £ in three is servicing existing debt. Nearly a million people are about to have their mortgage payments raised by an average 18%. The IMF says the UK housing stock is overvalued by 30%. And now HBOS has noted that house prices fell by a staggering 2.5% last month.

Under these circumstances Gordy, it really isn't on to play the three-card trick by saying that prices have risen 18% over the last three years, so "a 2.5% fall is perfectly manageable". The apples/pears comparison was spotted some time ago my Caledonian friend: projected forward, a 2.5% monthly fall is......30% in a year. Well, blow me down.

Duckies in a Burrel

Former Di-rock Paul Bumboy Burrell is named and shamed by the Al Fayed enquiry coroner as a perjuror.....who then says he is not putting Bummell's name forward to the cps. Why not? He has perjured himself in full public view - even boasted of having done so - so why is he not to be prosecuted?

Why was it only 9-3?

Having heard the evidence in the above case, it is more than slightly worrying that three space cadets still felt Al Fuckhead had a case.

This may not, of course, have been the case: it could be that the Minority Three felt the disgusting hand of Splugge from the fifth planet of Solar System 1QGS73/9 was behind the killing. We shall never know.

Nevertheless, it terrifies me that these folks have an electoral vote.

Money can't buy me love

In the last 33 years, our standard of living has leapt ahead.

In 1973, 86% of people said they were satisfied with their standard of living, while in 2006 85% were satisfied.

What will it gain a man if he win the Earth but lose his soul?

Apparently, not much.

Over that same period, four separate quantitative studies have shown that Homo sapiens remains far more interested in raising a family, having firm friends and feeling safe than he/she is in money. None of this information is new, and yet still the same old neo-liberalist market-deciding drivel is trotted out by those of the disordered mind, and horizons stretching no further than the office door.

The Bleedin' obvious

Er.....let me guess. Nasty sun's rays with lots of girlies lying under them for hours on end every week. On balance, probably a bad idea. Science caught up this week, and decided it was a bad idea.

And.....robots will deliver food quicker than lazy and/or neurotically gay waiters. Who else but the Germans would not already know this? Who else would want to have their food delivered by robots? Who else would want to eat German food?

"Yeh but like - is it 'cos I is yella?"

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MUGABE INSISTS - DUKE OF EDINBURGH RIGGED ELECTION

African leader insists on third inquest into election, while arresting everyone he thinks could help in his enquiries but killing all of them accidentally before they can give evidence.

Other African leaders still confident that wisdom will prevail while insisting that UN intervene having spent last thirty years telling whitey to keep his nose out of African business and praising Mugabe as father of his people.

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DOHERTY SPEAKS OUT

"Who.....me?"

(8.4.08)

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BT's got Phorm

You read it here first etc etc (yawn).....having said for years that secret monitoring of website use was rife, oops, dear old BT get caught at it.....using a company appropriately called Phorm. Of course, the pride of our privatisation culture (now a mere £80 billion in debt) hasn't fessed up yet as such, but Ofcom has confirmed in a confident-sounding press release that the phone company is to be the subject of 'a major investigation'. It'd be a shame if privatisation of a public sector company wound up publicising one's privacy. (That's enough privacy gags - Ed)

I have long thought that marketing might well prove to be one of the catalysts for liberty destruction, if only because the folks in charge of relationship-building campaigns are competent - as opposed to the Home Office and police, who are of course utterly useless. But as always, it is staggering to realise that when a Boardroom full of intelligent people are faced with such an obviously dangerous idea, nobody puts their hand up and says 'Hang on a minute'. I would imagine at the Wannsee Conference in 1942 the same thing happened - a tad more understandable as anyone doing it would've been shot - but in this case, the legality/freedom thing must have occurred to them.

Something for the new CEO to look into, perhaps.

The disabling thing with drink

A staggering 1.2 million UK citizens are now officially receiving benefits for disability through alcohol. Having myself been disabled by drink seven days a week for the past eight years, I'm sort of wondering why I shouldn't apply for back-pay.

It pains me as a man still implacably opposed to Devil Take the Hindmost social policy that these clowns are spoiling it for the rest of us more reasonable folk by having the gall to claim State help for being piss-heads. No doubt the legal slitherers will quite soon be persuading them to sue the booze companies for a new liver and so forth.

A sane society would say the following: 'We have already invested billions teaching you to read, although God knows that was hard enough. So assuming you use your eyes occasionally, if you think we're now going to pay you benefits for being daft, well we saw you coming chummy.'

A train of thought

Tramline thinkers in the media - doncha love 'em? The Passion in four parts is to be followed by The Bible in six parts. Mind you, the tram's going to come to the terminus quite soon after that, because allegedly the tome starting with the words 'In the Beginning' wasn't joking - there may be lots of history before that, but not much of it is written down.

The Bible in six parts works out at three books an episode (which is pushing it a bit) but I'm sure we can rely on the chaps at the Beeb to get over that. Episode One: Dark on ocean, v/o 'let there be light', then there's light, ripple dissolve to wandering tribe muttering about women and apples. Cut to old bloke labouring under two heavy tablets of stone, jump-cut to bald bloke pushing pillars apart, close on waves being parted and Egyptians drowning noisily. Next Week: From the thing with bacon to David the Gath-slayer.

(9.4.08)

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Here's a cracker - let's get ready for raised sea levels from Global warming by flooding 14% of the Norfolk Broads before we even know the data are reliable. Oh and hey - let's be really clever and not tell the inhabitants anything about the plan at all.

Hello, my name is Harriet Harman and I'm still in favour of all-black and all-women lists, despite the fact that every last bimbo thrust into the Cabinet since 1997 has been an unmitigated disaster, and South Africa now has ecoli-ridden water and no electricity thanks to affirmative action. (The way to promote able blacks and females is to jail the bastards keeping them down, not put idiots into jobs they are unequipped and ill-trained to do)

Oooh look, I see that alcoholism's doubled since 1997- so the licensing hours strategy is working!

Hang on a minute: wasn't that when we came to power?

 

Research has just shown that facial expressions give away sexual intentions. (Times online)

(10.4.08)

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The blokes in the bowler hats

"What do you think of our new savings rate, Mr Bradford?" asked the character in B&B's 1970's advertising campaign.

"Most propitious, Mr Bingley" the other bowler-hatted little chap would say.

"And what do you think now of our decision to demutualise, Mr Bradford?" he might ask today.

"I try not to think about it at all" Mr Bingley would assuredly reply.

The Klondike rush to become plc banks that removed the brains of most leaders in Britain's building society movement in the mid 1990s has delivered little more than fool's gold in the long-term. The rationale that they 'needed to compete in today's fast-moving blah-blah world market' was always tosh, and always will be. It's done well for the big lads, but not for anyone else: HBOS and Abbey seem to be OK, but Bradford & Bingley are (my Treasury snouts tell me) as near as damn-it up the creek.

Take a look at the surpluses, turnover and balance sheets of those who stayed mutual: not so much as a crunchette in sight. Funny that.

Just Fancy That...

'Man Utd are the best team in the country, says Alex Ferguson'

The Mirror, 15.4.08

Once bitten, twice.....no, still not sure about that one...

That Comrade Mugabe is a mad, homicidal shit of frightening proportions stuck in a Stalinist time-capsule ought to be fairly clear to everyone by now. "All the tell-tale signs are there" as Peter Cook would've said, "The bulldozing, the one-party thing, the maths irregularities...".

But not, it seems, to other Black African nations. Or at least, not enough to make them want to tempt Bonkers Robert over the border, and then quietly place him in the care of a straitjacket. God knows, the old bugger has attended enough conferences over the years: it wouldn't have been that hard.

Two weeks ago on Andrew Marr's Sunday morning show, a senior black bishop declared himself confident that Mugabe would give up power 'amicably' within a matter of days. One of the very disturbing features of clerics in recent years has been their obviously tenuous grasp on reality, which can become fissionable when stirred in with an instinctive naivety.

In the end, Mug's army of thugs and confiscators will decide things - and Turkeys never vote for Christmas. The most likely outcome now is bloodshed: and it could have so easily been avoided, had not Pan African denial won the day yet again.

Thin edges, wedges, pledges and so forth

You read it here first etc etc.....pass a law for the folks over there that others over here can use, and within months a coach and twelve will be galloping through it on a daily basis.

"Look, hey - what's all the fuss about?" said wide-eyed Tony in relation to compulsory ID cards some years back, "We already have passports, right?" Well if you've got a week Tone I'll explain it, you bloody brainless Bambi.

The recent 'directed surveillance' law for flushing out the Worldwide Fantastically Well Organised Al Q'eida Thing has so far produced 19,000 police applications for the use thereof. To be fair, so far it's hard to find any misuse - in fact, year on year Plod's applications fell. But a staggering 12,500 applications - growing like topsy - came from local Councils.

These fine institutions have been using the law to employ hidden surveillance to monitor (sit down as you read this) car parking, dog fouling, litter dropping and under-age smoking - among other heinous crimes.

So to sum up: the petty snoopers are being given the right to watch out for all these war crimes. The law enabling them to do this stemmed from the megalomnia of a Prime Minister looking to Iraq as his legacy.

Give me strength.

Fancy a fact, Darling?

Ali Darba and his forty thieves remain confident that (and this is a genuine quote) "Although we are seeing some minor difficulties in the economy, the signs are that the shift in emphasis will see Britain staying in growth this year".

It's hard to see how banking can stay in growth when nobody's got any money and the banks won't lend anything. It's hard to see retail growing when we all owe so much, even the space cadets have stopped spending.

And here's a fab fact to add to last week's re Debt Management UK Ltd: 33% of all mortgages advanced in the last twelve months were on an interest only basis. Five years ago (when we were already easily the most indebted we've ever been) the figure was 13%.

It is simple common sense that people so over-borrowed they either use £1 in three to service existing debt or can't even afford to pay capital back are going to struggle to avoid legal insolvency as rates continue to climb. (As nby predicted six months ago, for retail lending purposes the banks are ignoring what Merv and his mates at the BoE do.) And when The Insolvent Ones represent a third of the adult population, there is no way on God's earth the UK can avoid a hard-landing recession. Equally, there is now no possible alternative to a housing market crash: some sectors at the top and bottom will take only a minor hit, but those in the middle bands could easily see price falls of 20%. The IMF's view of overvaluation is, I think, right on the money.

Alad Insane can drivel on in his tedious Presbyterian monotone from now until Scotland becomes independent. Like his boss, he lives in a curious world where no reality is allowed to shine through the cracks.

bonkers pc and the question of how to correctly describe someone who's bonkers

A bloke with very serious form in the area of having sex with ladies (without, as such, asking them first) legged it from custody while being transferred recently from one mental institution to another.

The reason he was under a loose form of security was that he had been described as a 'medium secure' prisoner. (I say 'prisoner' because he's been convicted of several appalling rapes, as has his brother).

When asked about this somewhat mild description, the apparatchiks involved said they 'didn't want to give the patient offence' by calling him something a bit more real.

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someone ter watch over yer....

US Bank Wachovia looks set to go down the tubes. Just before the credit crunch got noticed, these wise men bought one of those Californian Banks who seemed to specialise in giving loans below cost in order to meet targets. This cowboy outfit (Golden West Financial) immediately went into deep red- and now its proud new Carolina owners need a small sub....$7billion.

This piece of purchasing genius is on a par with 'Sir' Freddie Goodwin's magnificent acquisition of ABNAmro last year - at a price for which you could now buy most of Wall Street.

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'Northern Rock, the recently nationalised bank, threatened to further embarrass ministers by declining to pass on to its borrowers last week's cut in rates by the Bank of England.'

Independent, 15.4.08

Jolly old boating weather/ On the stormy sea/ For we will pull together/ Till the land we see

For we're all in the same bad weather/ and we're in the same old boat / So we'll all pull together/ To keep the country afloat

hurrah!

Fantastic idea: let's totally deregulate the most money-grabbing, shifty, dishonest, disloyal, anti-customer part of the whole capitalist system - and then when they (a) mess up and (b) try to get their money back as quickly as possiblefrom customers, let's get them into Number 10 and ask them nicely to be philanthropic and patriotic. (Horse, stable door, Pandora's box, genies, bottles etc etc.)

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Let's kill every badger in the UK - even though all the evidence about bovine TB suggests that while infected badgers hardly of ever pass it on to cattle. (Ooooh, mustn't piss off the farmers' lobby).

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I've got a great idea - let's run the Olympic torch from one end of London to another - after all, nobody could object to that, could they? And if anyone's thinking about it, let's pinch every London cop's day off and have them looking like Thought Police from...errm...one end of London to another. And then let's tell everyone how doing this doesn't endorse the Chinese fascists, thus irritating the crap out of everyone with half an intellect from, aauurh....one end of Britain to another.

And why on Earth did the IOC give the Games to China in the first place?

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Listen, this one just came to me - let's put private business in charge of getting the jobless off welfare AND give them targets to aim for....there - that won't produce any abuse will it?

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I know what we'll do: we'll insist on all car fuels having biofuel in them. I mean, apart from anything else it'll show folks we're green, right? Even if it is only at 2.5%. And much of the scienctific evidence says the net gain is nil. And millions of 3rd world people have lost their access to food crops as 'the market decides' there's more money in crops to transport us all around rather than things to eat because we're all overweight as it is. So we'll all continue getting fatter and increasingly unfit, and dying of obesity and therefore there'll be fewer people and that way there'll be more food for the people who will probably have starved by then because they didn't actually have any food.

Oh right...I get it.

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'Russian oil production has peaked and may never return to current levels, one of the country’s top energy executives has warned, fuelling concerns that the world’s biggest oil producers cannot keep up with rampant Asian demand.'

(FT 15.4.08)

Only just spotted that then?

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tesco results: a closer look

Before we all get over-excited about Sir Terry Leahy's genius in producing more profits (and thus confirming we're not really going into recession, oh dear me no) I think it pertinent to note the following:

1. Like for like (floor space equivalent) sales are only up 5%.

2. The majority of the growth is in online and abroad.

3. The profit rise is almost entirely down to increased margins - ie, screwing you, me, and Farmer Giles.

Ithangyoo

(15.4.08)

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GENERAL KNOWLEDGE QUESTION....

Do Generals know from shit which way is up? I ask this, because their track record isn't that hot: from the Bay of Pigs onwards - via Vietnam, Afghanistan (Russians), Iraq (Anglo-Americans), and Afghanistan (Brits) they seem to fuck up everything from how to supply the troops and how to treat the natives through to the chances of actually winning as such. Sounds to me like we need some general management.

MOSLEY: STARTLING NEW EVIDENCE

In a major new development to the furore surrounding F-1 supremo Max Mosley this weekend, new photographic evidence emerged about the lengths to which the wannabe English fuhrer's son will go in order to achieve sexual satisfaction. Fellow big swinging dick Bernie Ecclestone confirmed that the shot is genuine, saying "I'd know that willy anywhere, as it's taller than I am".

Conservative Leader David Cameroon was quick to deny that Mosley had ever been taken seriously as a potential Tory candidate. "We did have a couple of conversations with him many years ago" said Dave, "But he failed the orange test miserably."

(Thanks due to Dietrich von Ausland for this picture)

IOC CHOOSES ZIMBABWE FOR 2016 OLYMPICS

International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge told delighted newsmen at the weekend that his IOC had finally plumped for Mugbabwe as the venue for the prestigious 2016 Olympic Games.

He told a press conference, "It was a tough decision, but somehow we felt that it was Zimbabwe's turn. We could no longer ignore the world's most populous bulldozer State - nor indeed one with the longest-standing psychopathic People's Father. We look forward to a long and fruitful relationship with Sir Robert Zimgabe and his strong back-up team of ballot-box commissioners."

Other names on the IOC's shortlist included Kenya, Herzegovina, Chechnya, Elba and the Falkland Islands.

INSIDE: HOW THE IOC REJECTED FRANCE AS 'UNSTABLE'

BENITO BERLUSCONI TO INVADE ABYSINNIA

ITALIAN DUCE BLAMES BANKERS AND REDS

SAYS HE WILL BUILD ALITALIAS ALL OVER ITALY AND MAKE TRAINS RUN ON TIME

VOWS TO ALLY WITH GERMAN FUHRERINE MERKLE AGAINST INTERNATIONAL JEWRY

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Absolutely not at all a fascisti Benito Blackshirti told bored cameramen today that it was his Divine destiny to revive the Roman Amphitheatre and feed his cheating opponents to the lions.

Signor Bellicosi's party Wassamarrayooshaddupayourface for Freedom has toned down its policies, as a result of which it has a 7% lead in the polls.

German Pope Benedict XVI told Mrs Benedict that he was pissed off with the whole thing.

I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN TO SAY THAT

"Home owners are very pessimistic," said Mark Vitner, economist at Wachovia. "There are not a lot of happy campers out there."

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(March 2008) "I have always made it clear that Britain does not wish in any way to boycott the Olympic Games...indeed, the Dalai Lama has said quite clearly that he does not wish this to happen".

(April 2008) "It was always agreed with the Chinese Government that I would attend only the closing ceremony in Beijing"

WOULD YOU BUY A USED LABOUR FROM THIS MAN?

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president mbeki of south africa, april 11th 2008:

"I wouldn't describe this as a crisis. It's a normal electoral process in Zimbabwe."

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Cottboy

(Sorry)

'Man in south of France falls ill after nearly drinking toxic bottled water'

(Expatica website)

This is an intriguing idea -viz, that the mere intention to drink poison is enough to make one ill - even when you don't know it's poisonous.

It's a genuine piece, by the way. I read it and was none the wiser. Meanwhile: 'Nantes woman slightly pregnant after almost having sex'

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AMAZING MARS ORBITER PICTURE:

'Its cameras are the largest ever to fly on an extraterrestrial planetary mission, and are capable of spotting objects the size of a dinner table from its orbit, over 280 miles from the planet's surface.' (Daily Telegraph)

Close-up.....suggests Martians were vegetarian

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Mexican miner plans £900m London listing (Financial Times

Senor Arturo Cisco di Coala di Nascimento di Scargillo

Investors scrambled to grab a slice of what is certain to be a new star stock in the coming weeks, as Merchant Bank Pounde & Flesch introduced Mexican coal miner Arturo Scargillo Industries to a gathering of top analysts Friday.

Said company founder Scargillo, "On ilkey moowah bah tatathathathatha, hey oopa a loop lad, therhethethethe's nowt so queer as fafafafolk and a-down at ze canteeeena they are geeveeng greeeen stamps with Tetleeeeeys".

Sir Geoffrey Boycott later said that thees was just not creekeet

(14.4.08)

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You have to hand it to retail bankers, when it comes to taking the piss they are in a league of their own. How wonderful it must be to enjoy a set of life rules that run as follows:

1. I take your money and keep it in a safe place. If other people steal it electronically while it's in my care, it's not my fault.

2. While it's in this safe place, I will let you have access to this, your own money, but only on the strict understanding that you pay me every time you want some of it.

3. From time to time, I will steal some of this money (by charging you twice for things and so forth) when you're not looking. If caught out, I shall smile, recant, and then look for another way to do it - for example, charging you interest on sums you've already paid back. You should accept this as standard banking practice and good for the share price.

4. If YOU borrow some money from ME, then falling behind on the payments will allow me to take all your possessions by force, because after all this is Free Market economics, and the weak must fall by the wayside to make way for Time Lords like me.

5. At other times, I will take some or all of your money and invest it in idiot South American jungle-clearance schemes, ocean-going lead colanders, and extensions to gipsy trailers. When all these go tits up, I realise that even I could not possibly ask you (whose money I have squandered) to pay for me, as it were, losing your money entrusted to me for safe-keeping. So I will go to the Bank of England, and they'll either nationalise me slightly - or, better still - ask the Treasury to give me its money - which, as you know, is money they steal from you every month under their own ingenious money-making scheme, income tax.

6. If a few of my mates get in there before me on the previous scam, I shall have to wait for a bit, and get some of your money (which I lost earlier) back by increasing the cost of YOU borrowing money from ME. I'll also increase the money I charge you for looking after your money which I've blown (these we call 'bank charges') and invent new minimums of money for you give to me as liquid cash - while reducing the interest I pay YOU on any further monies you are barmy enough to give me for safe keeping.

7. When you finally wake up and cut up rough about this, the chances are I'll still be borassic on account of having purchased a Dutch bank for no reason other than it having been ludicrously overpriced. So then and only then will I come cap in hand to you and present my need for eight billion quid as a once-in-a-lifetime golden opportunity rights issue chance for you to chuck your already heavily taxed good money after my only very slightly taxed bad - which as those paying attention will know, was never my money in the first place.

8. If the scheme at point 7 doesn't pan out, I shall go back to point 5 and start again.

9. Whatever happens, none of this will have been my fault, but merely a result of the impossible to foresee and serendipitous events that happen to Masters of the Universe as we sail the seven Galaxies of the Financial Universe making your money work harder for us.

10. Should any fingers be inappropriately pointed, I will feel it my duty to resign with an £800,000 payoff, and state yet again that we bankers are far too regulated. If only those ghastly FSA snoopers didn't keep interfering, none of this credit crunchy stuff would happen in the first place. Or rather it would, but you wouldn't know about it. And we bankers don't believe in worrying you, the sovereign customer, needlessly.

(21.4.08)

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No sooner had my ten rules for bankers burst disgracefully onto the Superhighway than the chaps in pinstripe invented an eleventh:

11. If the Bank of England won't give us any more of your money directly as it were, then we march to Ten Downing St and say 'Look fatty, there's a problem here - for quite obvious reasons we're not lending our own money to each other, so it's up to you to let us borrow your money....how about slipping us some risk-free bonds? We'd be quite happy to risk that, because it's not our money - do you follow old boy?'

Thus has Mr Brown instructed the entirely independent Mr King to swap some of our putty for some of their shit.

One thing still evades me, however: within hours of the deal being trumpeted into the House of Morons by Darling, well-briefed commentators began saying things like 'Of course, what you have to realise is that these bonds won't actually help you the mortgagee at all - they're purely to kick start inter-bank lending.'

At this point, it ceases to be funny and begins to make one wonder why mean, short-sighted incompetents who won't lend to each other should get our help.

It seems to me there is a game of bluff going on here. Being unscrupulous blackmailers by nature, the retail banking community knows perfectly well that a disastrous drop in interbank financial transactions would threaten the economy negatively. So, terrified as ever, Messsr Brown and Darling have caved into Mr King's 'idea'. We're not just baling the banks out (again) here - we're baling the Government out too.

Let's just spell out the madness of this money cycle once more for luck, because at any other time it'd be hysterically funny. A Government Leaflet - Subsiding Free Markets - explains:

'What happens is that we the Government ask you to give us tax money to spend on your behalf, which of course we fritter away wisely on various key projects. One of these key projects is to use that money to pay bonuses on Government Bonds, which we sell to people like, well, you actually - in order to replace the wisely overspent money you gave us in the first place, so that you are fortunate enough to have paid twice. Then when the banks in turn have lost all the post-tax money you gave to them in the enormously complex investment markets of today's fast-moving fianancial marketplace, they ask us if they can swap the Bonds for the bad debts you left them with, they having lent you far more than you could ever pay back. And we say of course, because we want the economy to recover from a recession that it isn't actually in anyway. So they use this money to start lending to each other again, and this of course frees them up to start lending you lots of your own money but at much higher rates of interest because of course they are a business and expect to make money, except of course when they're hitting targets, when they lose all the money again, and the business-lending cycle is once more complete.

As you can appreciate, the banking profession is an extremely complex one requiring great skills of a type you and I do not have. But you can rest assured that the Government will look after your interests. In fact, your interests come after our reputations, tricky elections, bankers, non-doms, asylum seekers, Adam Applegarth, Geordie constituencies we don't want to lose, and Global business, where our credibility must be maintained'.

But as I was saying to young Pericles only the other day, one must always look behind the behaviour and the rhetoric. Why, I ventured to ask him, do you think the banks will not lend to each other?

"Because they are stupid, o Sage?" he asked.

"That too" I said, "but mainly because they each look at their own debt portfolios and think 'My goodness, if everyone else's book is as bad as ours, there's no bloody way we're going to lend to them'".

All of which makes me doubt whether the worst is really over just yet.

---

Today, Mr Justice Andrew Smith will hand down his judgement on whether or not the OFT can declare bank charges to be daylight robbery. The word in the Chambers is that Mr Smith is of a mind to declare against the reptiles.

Hurrah. Now all we have to work out is what the new method of fleecing us will be.

 

the deeply complicated mr brown and his rebel rabbits

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When the One-Eyed Nail Biter was being mooted as a shoe-in for PM late in 2006, nby issued a long piece about his total unsuitability for the post. Indecision, arrogance, depressive tendencies and hypocrisy were the main charges against the bloke, but by far the one we stressed most was Mr Brown's penchant for complication. It is, in fact, the basis of a still widely-held belief that he is a bright man.

He has shown all of these features in spades over the last few days since his return from drowning in America. He promptly tells all his staff plus the Treasury aides that Labour rebels can go whistle. Then Carter and co tell him what a mess it all is, so GB slams a door and sits brooding. On his reappearance during Sunday, he rings pally Ali to say that he's decided to stand firm. The Chancellor tells him that firmness = confidence vote. More shouting at secretaries.

Monday dawns, and now the Gordian Knot says OK, fair enough, we'll offer them a review.....and say we can't rewrite the Budget now. (?)

Off to the Commons, where this doesn't alleviate the rebel rabbits' fear of the headlights. More screaming, a bit of a brood, then he meets the PLP and grovels. Frank Field insists on a 'losers' rebate' - and gets it. At PMQs, Brown 'explains' that Darling will take the money off the poorest 50%, then listen to appeals against it - and give backdated rebates next September.

So: we can do all this (which means the rebate monies have to be found from somewhere), we can give and take away and give back. But we can't rewrite three weeks of the fiscal year to produce the same effect at a fraction of the cost.

Saving the Prime Minister's face - and clearing up after his presentational mess - is costing us all a huge amount of money. Perhaps we should abolish him.

as the tory lead slips, dave's shakey ground becomes apparent once more

The moron is a very lucky lad indeed. During a ten day period when New Labour were infighting again and the PM was going from Bankers' kicking-boy to US non-event and then Rebels' kicking boy, the Tory lead over the Government in the opinion polls halved.

Dave built up his double-digit lead during a period when we had the first run on a UK bank for 250 years, a PM who was obviously lying, a Darling budget dismissed by everyone immediately as a boring con-trick, and more evidence of Brownshirt incompetence than anyone could possibly have wished for.

Now, in a period when things have gone from awful to pretty much normally bad, the lead shinks overnight.

I watched a couple of vox-pop political programmes last week. I also spoke to an old acquaintance who'd just been interviewing voters. The general suggestion from all this is that there is no real desire to see the Cameroon take power: he's seen as bland, wet and incoherent in his overall policy thrust.

I couldn't agree more. But what I am beginning to notice is that Nick Clegg's direction is much more focussed. The Libdems need to find a way to get this across to a broader audience.

(22.4.08)

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the strange case of deflated inflation

---

The Tsar in charge of cost of living crackdowns has just announced that, across the EU, the annual rate of inflation is 3.5%. As with most statistics of this nature (averaged and covering myriad different economies within the Union) the figure is meaningless. But it serves a purpose - to hide the real cost of living inflation for real people in real countries. After all, if one give the EU fantasists carte blanche to choose the 'shopping basket' most amenable to their arguments, then the inflation rate is (almost) whatever they want it to be.

Let's take France for starters - where we have a holiday home. When we left last November, the average midday meal in a 'workmen's' restaurant cost 12 Euros. Today it is 14 - and for many midday formules rapides, the figure is 15 or 16 Euros. In short, a rise of at least 14.7%. When we left, diesel cost 1.04 Euros per litre. Today you'd be lucky to find it below 1.25 - a rise in excess of 17%.

Prices in turn of oil and wheat are too easily blamed. All the autroute peage prices have increased. Clothes (where one can compare directly) are up at least 10%. And while the Brits here have Messrs Brown and Darling to thank for an exchange rate falling dramatically, for those of us keeping Euro accounts most of the time here, it is clear that inflation in France is close to running out of control - with or without the massively over-valued Euro.

Never a great fan of the Daily Mail, I have nevertheless always accepted that its money pages are uninfected by the Madness of King Dacre. While much of the main paper seems to advocate invading Scotland and a fundamentally genocidal solution to Britain's growing Underclass problem, the dosh section (largely read by ageing Nazis desperate not to be screwed by the banks) starts from the entirely correct assumption that all financial institutions are merely robbers in civvies.

Last week, the Mail decided yet again to save the Nation from itself by launching a campaign to monitor real inflation, as distinct from the la-la dreamland pushed out to the Press Pack by New Labour. Hold your nose and read the 'paper - it's excellent journalism. Here's a few extracts from their opening salvo last Thursday:

'Over the past year, food prices are up 15 per cent, more than six times official inflation. An average family's monthly bill for essentials is £1,200 higher than a year ago - or £2,000 if you add mortgage costs.....There are two explanations for the gap between the Government's numbers and ours. The first is that Labour's new inflation figure excludes the cost of housing, and so "cuts" the rate. The second is that all official rates include a range of electronic goods and other items that are falling in price. Cheap plasma televisions may be nice, but don't help if you can't pay your mortgage.....This is even more true for pensioners and others on fixed incomes, who are increasingly finding that the staples they need to survive are soaring in price much faster than inflation'.

The paper was careful for legal reasons to omit a third reason for unreality - Government lies - but that wasn't bad for starters. Nevertheless, the really sad thing is that one senses Brown believes all this guff about surviving the crunch better than most, keeping inflation down, and eleven years of New Labour having 'made a difference'. Given that the Trouser Snake got thirteen forecasts out of seventeen wrong when he was Our Greatest Ever Chancellor, one might have thought he'd have spotted a trend by now. But he never will, of course, because Gordon's perfect. He has to be. Daddy insists upon it.

But the figures show how Gordy and Ali are moving the goalposts on inflation control in the UK. One of those oddly highlighted 'org' quango websites forecasting stuff like this (dated May last year) quoth as

follows:

'The Government has set an inflation target of 2.5% for 2008, and if this is exceeded the Bank of England will almost certainly have to raise interest rates in order to control inflation'

For those confused by the enormous chasm between this and what actually happened, the following points need to be appreciated:

1. Brown is incompetent, confused and reacting hour by hour - like everyone at the moment, he's making it up as he goes along.

2. This is a message from a time when there was nothing to worry about because Gordon wanted to win an election.

3. The fact that rates are coming down (a direction generally accepted by logicians to be the diametric opposite of 'up') further shows conclusively that runs on banks were not on Gordon's radar at the time. (Nby did not agree)

4. Having been alerted to the problem, the new PM told his Treasury chaps to make it go away for a bit, while still stomping around the country promising 'New Brown - New Era'.

It didn't, of course - and so to save face Ali took Northern Rock into public ownership. Temporarily.So temporarily,in fact, that the new CEO is already talking about maybe, possibly, perhaps paying the tax monies back before 2012 - just in time for it to be blown sorting out what will undoubtedly be the Olympics fiasco.

For the record, among the EU's Baltic newcomers, inflation is running at 16.8% (Latvia), 11.3% (Lithuania) and 10.9% (Estonia). In Spain it's 3.5%, in Ireland the figure is 3.9% and rising again - last year it was 4.7%. In Holland it is 2%, and in Germany just under 1.7%.

But here too, those in charge of moving goalposts and deckchair rearrangement switched five years ago to the CPI (Consumer Prices Index) as opposed to a true 'cost of living' index. So inflation is roaring ahead but not really lalalalalalalaaa.

(24.4.08)

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New disaster for Government

 

labour loses 300 seats in the post

Astonishing blunder means Councillors will have to stand down

---

Over 300 Labour Councillors have lost their seats in yet another incredible administrative mistake, this time in the Department of Communities and Local Government. Gordon Brown was said to be 'furious' with Hazel Bleary, the cabbage-patch doll responsible for the error. Said Spin Genius Craven Starter "If this hadn't happened, we feel confident the British people would have shown us massive support. But with 300 seats gone missing, it means our Councillors will have to stand again, or stand up for themselves, or stand up and be counted, or even sto ut serviam."

But Hazelnut O'Deary said she had posted the chairs in her pools coupon envelope, and could not understand why the items hadn't arrived. "I couldn't find a Post Office because we've closed them all as part of my crackdown on communities" she told The Mirror, "So I stuck a stamp on every last one and then crammed them into various letter boxes". Mrs Dreary suffers from early onset stupidity syndrome, and was promoted to the Cabinet as part of the Prime Minister's Affirmative Action Drive.

---

cameron now more popular than the sound of music

Brown 'most hated man since Goliath'

Paddick 'most unrecognised shirt-lifter since Heath'

Livingstone first-ever London Mayor to lose

Goliath.....worst performance by a Giant since God created World

A further outbreak of trite projectionitis last week laid 24-hour news stations low throughout Britain, as polls, swingometers, focus groups and mathematics proved almost everything at the same time.

In particular, a post-election Oiguv Poll showed that, if Gauleiter Boris Johnson was not disqualified for getting more votes than Commissar Livingstone, he would be sworn in as Mayor of London. And an exit poll of buses showed that if Mr Johnson's victory were to be reflected nationwide, the Bendy-bus majority at Streatham Bus Terminus would be wiped out.

Later, a Daily Telegraph poll by Mori out of Shergar suggested that New Labour would have minus 36 MPs in the next Parliament while the Cameroons would enjoy a majority of infinity, and an infinity of banality.

---

exclusive: nby interviews new mayor boris

---

smile, though your heart is breaking

smile, though your face is aching

you're in the poo

in the deep doggy-doo

but the dentistry keeps on gleaming

and the fixed grin keeps beaming

although your backbenchers are vile

just smile, smile, smile

(Nice headgear there, Gordon)

 

clinton calm in face of obama's indiana onslaught

---

all smiles at the annual alf garnett lookalike convention

---

You may lose the keys to your house, but....

---

64 ye

 

ar-old woman jailed for castrating partner and then blaming it on dog.

(Expatica website)

You never know....

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mad jock austrian shags daughters, kills sons, tortures kittens, wreaks havoc on university campus and bombs infant school after wiping out whole berkshire village

"He was just a nice, quiet ordinary bloke" says sole survivor.

 

Chinese secret police wonder if they might have the wrong man

---

'Zanu-PF split on next move after defeat'

(Financial Times)

On de one hand, ah'm for shootin' de Opposition en masse, but mah colleagues wantin' to beat dem to death one by one personally'

---

'Last chance for McCanns Off to Ikea this weekend'.

(Daily Telegraph website)

---

Listings

this week's must-see

The Really Derivative Production Company presents

gertrude jekyll & mr hyderangea

The Gardening Musical. Adapted for the vegetable patch by Andrew Lovely-Weather

Starring

elaine sage as Miss Jekyll

john hosta as the Hydrangea Man

and

michael ballota as the Deadly Weedkiller Potion

(6.4.08)

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watch out for the miliband

 

As and when New Labour loses the next election, most of the shrewd money expects David Miliband to succeed his current boss without too much trouble. There are a lot of banana skins David could slip on during that period, but the odds are against this happening: Mr Miliband is a careful technocrat who rarely falters. For this and many other reasons, it might be a blessing for all of us if Labour were to be out of power for as long as possible after 2010.

The first thing to say about our current Foreign Secretary is that he is not a crook. He is devoted to his violinist wife Louise Shackleton, and his expenses as an MP are well below average. Although his often rather stupidly extended vowels suggest a privileged background, this is an affectation: Miliband comes from a partly Jewish immigrant left-intellectual background, but was educated at a Comprehensive. He undoubtedly perfected the drawl while getting a First in PPE at Corpus Christi. Although dubbed 'brains' by many in New Labour, David Miliband is more idiot savant than Renaissance Man: he didn't get any A grades at A-Level, and in his fourth subject - Physics - he got a D. But like many in today's political class, he excels at the academic profession of politics, in which he obtained an impressive second degree while a Kennedy scholar at MIT.

In a nutshell, Miliband is narrow rather than Harrow. He is classic New Labour: the calculating, cautious technocrat devoid of any commercial experience. This blinkered view of the world is, I think, a large part of the reason why most senior politicians these days have not the remotest clue how much damage their technocracy is doing to our culture, our liberties, and the standing of Parliamentary democracy.

David is of the Cameroon generation: he is forty-one years old, and spent only the last seven of them as an MP. Ted Heath became Prime Minister when he was two, and Margaret Thatcher when he was eight. He has never seen a Labour Government achieve anything, and he has no experience of when Britain was a calmer, more balanced country. He probably does believe that the only worthwhile achievement is mastering the technical process of staying in power: but either way, Mr Miliband is convinced that everything is just fine in Cool Britannia.

The Foreign Secretary gave this away rather clumsily in an interview with Andrew Marr two weeks ago. Answering a question about British decline, he spoke as follows:

"Look, everyone knows that Britain is no longer a nation in decline. That hasn't been true of the UK for decades, and it certainly isn't what people abroad think".

It's not hard to ridicule this observation. Under Brown, the Pound has been caned by the Euro. Our military budget is (literally) empty - our armed forces live in prefab Holiday Camps, are paid very poorly, and often go into battle equipped with lowest-cost weaponry and protection. Fifty per cent of the population share one per cent of the wealth among them. There is virtually no subsidised dentistry any more. Standards, discipline and caring staff are almost absent from the NHS, itself riddled with killer bugs and bankrupt Trusts. Tiny renegade countries insult Britain on a casually regular basis. Thanks to a ludicrous Iraq invasion (which Miliband strongly supported) almost every Middle East Arab hates us, and 34% of Muslims living here do too. Despite the Prime Minister's repeatedly gabbled lies on the subject, there are now over twice as many people living in poverty as there were ten years ago. A million and a half are unemployed. Personal debt stands at three times the level in real terms than ever before in history. Stagflation lies ahead. Prisons are stuffed to the gills (although crime is 'going down'). Social violence, public urination, attacks on the police and criminal gun ownership are spiralling out of control.

Most Americans, Dutch, French and Germans I know think Britain is a basket-case whose banks are unstable and