Not Born Yesterday's hysterical gagsarchive
DARLING GRAPPLES WITH NEW HONESTY DRIVE
"Right, er, hand.....heart...um...."
HUTTON PUTS HAND ON HEART OF GORDOVISION
"What Gordon's going to do is set out the vision, and for me the vision is a challenge we must all set out on the road towards, so that we are setting it out clearly. Once we've set out what the right road is, even though it will not be an easy ride, we need to get on the road straight away and start setting out the values and perspectives of the vision. I know Gordon will rise to that challenge, and indeed we as a Party of Government have a duty not just to follow him down that that road, but also to face the challenge of setting the vision out clearly and then crack on with the job of explaining why the challenge must be faced. Once this is done I think we will turn the corner and head on towards the real crossroads, where I suspect we will almost certainly find Gordon working on the vision".
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PRESIDENT SOLVES IRAQ PUZZLE
WHY EVERYONE IS GOING TO IRAQ - TRAVEL EDITOR A.A.QUILL EXPLAINS
LADBROKES SHORTENS ODDS ON next invader:
Saudi Arabia 15-1 Syria 44-1 Jordan 11-2 Cyprus 25-1 France 3000-1 Israel evens
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BUSHFIRE PYROMANIA ALLEGATIONS: PRESIDENT CRACKS CASE
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sEPTEMBER 2007: NEW LABOUR CALLS FOR NO BANK REGULATION
OCTOBER 25TH 2007: CHANCELLOR CALLS FOR FURTHER BANK REGULATION
Daring: "There needs to be better regulation to stop banks hiding things off-balance sheet."
And in an unrelated incident, Home Secretary Mrs Bland said "We need to stop burglars telling fibs in the witness box".
President Bush also called for his assistants to "stop stealing off the taxpayer".
Iraqi democrats further declared "It would be nice if the UK and US didn't just dump us in the shit when they leave"
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BROON SHOOT TO MOON
Yes, the broon shoots of discovery were evident yesterday as the Prime Minister blasted off for the Moon, still in search of his vision which has so far cost £29 billion in consultants, enemies and fingernail transplants.
Brownshirt Spin-doctor Finder General Eddie McBalls told observers at 'Mission: Control' that Operation Looney Landing was "Very much in Gordon's mind long before he was persuaded into talking about visions after the election cancellation that had never been intended as an election and has now turned into a vision, although not necessarily".
Having gone ballistic at his advisors, first indications were that Broonshoot 1 was on target for ongoing pre-Moon trajectory insertion. Said Brown-Nose Controller David Elasticke-Bande, "Being on the Moon will enable Gordon to see the UK as very tiny indeed and thus bring a new perspective to the mission values so that he can set out his vision and then afterwards beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
EXCLUSIVE: GORDON BROWNSAY'S KITCHEN
"For fuck's sake, will you get that monetary committee grilled, they are so full of shit, and Jesus Alistair, call that a Budget? Get those fucking books cooked oh fuck me Miliband, blanche that fucking EU treaty before I bite your fucking head off and serve it to Mugabe...."
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Divorce nightmare: Heather hits out
"Let me tell yer summat pet, ahm doon ter ma last twenty million like that's nowt like what Ant an'Dec've got ah mean, ah wuzz only tryin' ter protect Paul an mekk shoower me babby's looked afta like. An' I'll tell yer anotha thing this is worse than bein a bloody pediatrician ahm hairted an'it's not fair like 'cos...."
The rest of this statement is the subject of a gagging order by the High Court of Satire. Grounds: Unfairly enormous target and not nice to kick a lass when she's shootin' 'erself, like.
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WE TAKE LID OFF ROYAL COVER-UP 
Gratuitous shot of slimey slob socialite
REVEALED: THE ROYAL SHAME THEY TRIED TO KEEP QUIET, SWEEP UNDER THE CARPET SO IT REMAINED SECRET AND NOT LET ANYONE KNOW ABOUT IT AT ALL EVER, COVERING IT UP IN A CONSPIRACY OF SILENCE UNTIL A BENT COPPER TIPPED US THE WINK, AND SAY NO MORE SQUIRE.
Glasgow socialite Strachan....'denies everything'
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The Cover Story: Lord Linley snorting while being snorted. (I mean come on, the bloody stuck-up Windsors never liked him anyway)
Nby Says: What a load of old cock!
The buried news item: Prince Harry questioned about rare birds at Sandringham.
Nby Says: Harry may have thought the birds had flown - wrong, Ginger features!
SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE SENSATIONAL REVELATIONS.....
ROYAL PRINCE AND CELTIC MANAGER 'JOINED FIVE IN BED GINGER ORGY'
claims Glaswegian housewife Morag McScrewam
The House of Windsor was rocked to its only recently-underpinned foundations this week as vivacious call-girl Morag McScrewam alleged that she had been one of three redheads sharing a bed on the Balmoral Estate. Although the media were fed red herrings about bird-shooting on the Sandringham Estate, we* can now reveal that the only reds in the bed were at Balmoral...or Ballymoral as we should perhaps now be calling it.
"Och hen, there was the fave of ozz" shapely Morag, 43, told our reporter Rory McLemon, "An' ah tell ye, that bladdy Harry, heezza fookin' pairv.....it was ginger or nuthan for ham...there wuzz me, ma mate Eileen, hair mate Jeannie and this Strachan bloke all writhan aboot".
Harry.....'likes hedgehogs'
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* Actually, only Ms Mcscrewam claims this.
Look here Hamish, can you really make all this shit stand up? Only we've only got this prozzer's word for it, and it's not as if we're dealing with fucking Jeffrey Archer here and let's face it even he got off. Alex x
OK sod it, let's drop it and go with the Mandelson gay Hungarian four commissioners in a four-poster thing. Hame xx
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ROYAL DEMENTIA SHOCK
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HONOURING THE FALLEN:
CAMERON REMEMBERS TORY DEAD
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Tessa Jowell brain controversy:
Exploratory drilling begins
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BARCLAYS: SUB-PRIME BORROWER
HITS OUT
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vote early for christmas
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BIRD FLU TERROR:
Turkey leads cull
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cop genitals - first picture:
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Northern Rock's upset Apple-cart:
Adam Applegarth adamant that his hairy model works
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Northern Rock: Where did all that £30billion go?
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DARLING CRISIS:NEW IDENTITY REVELATION
Prime Minister Gordon Brown moved swiftly today to allay fears that the Chancellor's ID has been lost in the post. "I can categorically refute this allegation" he told the Commons, "Because Mr Vladimir Starling has no identity at all. We don't actually know who he is. In fact, I thought he came to the Party with Jack. But of course, he has my full confidence."
Sources were trying not to stand too close to Alistair Darling last night. But insiders accepted that his short-lived attempt to suggest he might actually be the Chancellor and know what the fuck was going on is finally at an end. "I put a penny black on the package" the luckless stooge told friends, "But somehow the whole nation's records since 1066 just didn't get through. "
TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TNT
1. It's highly unstable and can blow up in your face 2. The service is crap 3. You have to put a stamp on 4. Their PR agency has been up all night and they still can't think of anything to say 5. Send it registered, or they'll lose it (See 2) 6. Those in charge are a bunch of cowboys 7. And TNT's management isn't much better either 8. They wouldn't dream of selling on that list, ooooh, nonononono 9. At least it's a distraction from Northern Rock 10. Adman Crazier is trying to make Royal Mail's business model more like TNT's
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SOCCER CRISIS: FA TARGETS STRONG MAN
Musharraf: FA's CEO says "He is our number one candidate. He has a track record of imprisoning cricketing tossers and bombing trouble-making bints. Talks are already well-advanced, as his current position seems untenable."
Mr Musharraf confirmed the FA's approach later when he told Jeff Powell "I have no interest in the England job whatsoever, now please will you be fucking off, for I am very busy negotiating with Notts County".
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DARLING TO FRONT NEW RADIO SHOW
Soon-to-be-fired Alistair Darling is to host a new radio slot, Desert Island Disks. The former Chancellor will interview junior post-room employees about very important things that disappeared in the post. "We thought it would make a change from keeping things to, you know, losing them" commented DG Mark Thompson, "Rather like my job, really."
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JELLYFISH TERROR:
BROWN ACTS
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MAD CLERIC SPEAKS OUT
In an outspoken article last weekend, radical Canterbury Chapter Archbishop Ro'an al Yams spoke out against the evil Satan America and its radical policy of genocide against all those willing to oppose its belief in Apple Pie. The US Ambassador immediately complained of lower back pain and said that the Archbishop had spoken out of turn, but al Yams himself claimed to have spoken out of conviction. Special Envoy to the Middle East Crony Flair said the speech was out of order but bore no relevance at all to the sale of 3000 fighter whores to Saudi Arabia, which had been entirely above board (in keeping with his strongly held religious views as a nutter) and not entirely under the table. Catholic primate Homo Consistens O'Pope told his flock of four billion sheep that he suspected the speech had been conceived out of wedlock.
Ro'an went on to suggest that Western religious believers ate their souls, mistook Iraq for other countries due to poor maps, and kept on cutting Jerusalem into little bits - especially the Israelis who were jolly vulgar and should shut up. He commended the Muslim practice of praying five times a day and only spending a relatively small amount of time blowing infidels into very small pieces.
Everything is a mess in our culture, he continued: nobody had their hands cut off for stealing ice-cream cornets any more, there hadn't been a decent stoning of unfaithful wives since 1123, and the Government was a Godless collection of Saladinophobes just itching to find an excuse to deport otherwise highly-regarded schizoid psychopaths.
Archbishop Ro'an Al Yams was interviewed by an Islamic magazine
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Sage words from Lisbon
(26.11.07)
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(4.12.07)
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AN APOLOGY
IT HAS BEEN POINTED OUT TO US THAT THE ABOVE SHOT DOES NOT IN ANY WAY PROVE THE PRIME MINISTER IS HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. WE APOLOGISE FOR ANY OFFENCE GIVEN, AND WOULD CONFIRM THAT IN FACT IT DEPICTS A NERVOUS DICK BROWN.
(4.12.07)
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STRAW ON WHY WE NEED SUPERJAILS:
(5.12.07)
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"...and also Lord, look after Richard Branson, and all the other banks about to go poopsy, and look kindly upon your servant Jacqui in her attempt to shut Plod up, and please may the media believe me when Darling takes the rap, and finally if you can bring your magnificence down upon Cameron and tear out his tongue...well, if you did, I promise I'll never be naughty again. Amen." (7.12.07)
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NEW LABOUR -NEW NAVY LOGO
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HUTTON STRUGGLES WITH WIND TRAP:
Nuclear - 3p a kilowatt. Wind - 7p a kilowatt. Phuuuurrrrt. Pardon.
(13.12.07)
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JUBILANT GORDANO SIGNS
"Noo...aah, I just want eevryone ti see how ah'm oonly hoolding thas pen in what, if ah may say so is a verrry haf-hearted way, aah, an ween it all toorns tah shit, I'd just like ye all ti knoo that it was navva mah idea an' personally ah was always in favour of, aah, a, aah....thingy, wootsername - aye, referendum, that's it."
(11.12.07)
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sleaze: currie points finger
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(17.12.07)
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JOB DONE IN BASRA
(17.12.07)
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clegg nails libdem direction
"It's all about ambition and change.....big ambitions for smaller government, changing small ambitions into big futures....outward facing liberalism not looking inwards...voiceless people, giving peopleless voices a peoplefull voice, liberal country, liberal towns, I like towns, and countries, and oceans....people like me, I like people, babies, immigrant babies enriching our culture, immigrant cultures enriching our babies, thread holding everything together, everything hanging by a thread, privileged education educating people to reject whole idea of privilege, others flip-flop on policies, I have clear policy, never wear flip-flops.....clear direction, direct clearly, wipe slate clean, swipe late sleaze, new young ideas, making old ideas younger, making being old more like being young only with fewer beans.....beans on toast, kicking leaves, soup, roaring fires but action on climate change, big ambitions for climate change, smaller fires for bigger climate targets....."
(18.12.07)
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A Very Merry Christmas
from Sunny Jim and Drizzly Gordon, two wankers separated by thirty years and a facial expression, but not much else
(20.12.07)
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2008
BREAKING WIND.....Cameron hits head on car roof, car dies.....Kenyan ballot boxes stolen, black people held.....Pakistan disappearing, no elections held....Scotland dead following Hogmanay binge outrage....Portugal kidnapped, police baffled....New record London-Liverpool train journey time of 19 hours, ticket prices rise 14.5%....Daffodils arrive five weeks early, daffodil ticket office swamped....Brown swallows tongue, Miliband writes to ask if he can have it back.....Andy Fordham loses ten stone, TNT deny involvement.....House prices to tumble, Ricky Hatton hired as consultant.....Heather and Paul go ten rounds on Boxing Day....Billie Piper weds Basil Brush......2008 one day old, City awaits plague of boils.
(2.1.08)
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(2.1.08)
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"What a wonderful day,missus....
....what a wonderful day for sticking two fingers up from the despatch box and shouting 'Bung!'"
Issued by the Liverpool Jam Butty Mines Association
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CANCER FAILURES: AL'S NEW PLEDGE
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(3.1.08)
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BREAKING WIND.....Sir Alex Ferguson says hosptiality fans 'too quiet', proves that money talks but doesn't shout.....Ten years on, same number of UK children living in poverty, forward not back......Tories want hip replacement, Brown needs Yvette Cooper replacement.....secret heart surgery for Paul, follows open wallet surgery by Heather....M&S diversifies into fire extinguishers.....Britons now fatter than Americans, UK 'sinking at rate of two inches a year'.....top cop says ecstasy safer than Jacqui Smith.....NHS: market decides that English market-driven NHS is crap....GPs tell tummy-bug sufferers to stay at home, die quietly, not bother them.....woman smuggles £100,000 worth of cocaine into UK in bra, Amy Winehouse to get breast reduction.....Muslims back Livingstone candidacy, Johnson hopes for support from bongo-bongo land.....Brown insists UK must try harder on carbon emissions, approves new coal-fired power station in Kent.
(3.1.08)
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BREAKING WIND….End of housing boom, everyone bust…..Britney Spears ‘close to breakdown’, Mohamed Suharto ‘close to death’, Pakistan ‘close to meltdown’, Kenya close to Zimbabwe…..Clarkson is public’s choice as PM, so was Tony Blair…..NHS set to rescue failing schools, R101 set to rescue Apollo 13…..window cleaner falls 47 floors and is alive, Bhutto fall two feet onto sunroof and dies…..Hillary barracked in Iowa, Bill says ‘What Obama’…..banker’s heir stole £1.8m from frail old lady, like father like son….JD Wetherspoon restricts parents in pubs with kids to two drinks each, offers kids 3 for 2 on Breezers….Energy companies accused of being mean with customers over £1billion gas savings, hold up hands, immediately share $100 oil barrel costs with them…..Jamie Oliver wants to break battery eggs, Cecilia Sarkozy wants to spill beans, nobody wants to save Clinton’s bacon….
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Credit Crunch: Darling's new survival strategy
"Well you see, this lot on the left were independent and didn't agree with us about Northern Rock, and so we've as it were chopped their balls off, blamed them, and then as is only right and proper, made them advisory only in future. Whereas this lot on the right never had any balls, so we've given them very big balls in a so to speak total responsibility sort of way. So when the next banking balls-up happens, it'll, um, be their fault for not advising us in time. You see, in this job it's all about balls"
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Caught airbrushing history again....New Labour's Ministry of Culture has created or amended more than a hundred Wikipedia entries in the last three months. This included a denial that one of its employees (a Mr Winston Smith) had been suspended following his inability to tell three digits from four
Caught taking bungs....Sainsbury potato buyer Hayman trousers three million quid before being reported to the Thin Blue Line.
Caught fiddling expenses again.....This week it was Labour MPs redirecting taxpayers' cash into everything from DFS sofas to small paintings with which to adorn their 'constituency' homes.
Ali D: 'Many of my colleagues eat Caniletto beans.
Caught cheating again....Cuddly Ken Liverdamage was discovered to have accepted secret donations from well-known hard-Left Trotskyist Gerald Ronson
Ronson......renowned prison reformer not as yet reformed
Caught emitting too much hot air....The National Office of Statistics declared last weekend that New Labour's CO2 emission records 'grossly understated the real output levels'
PM.....fucking liar
Number Ten issued the following statement this afternoon:
"We should like to reassure voters by telling them that the Prime Minister's pension is with AIG, and most of his other savings lie in the vaults of Bear Sterns, Alliance & Leicester and the Royal Bank of Scotland. He says this to show solidarity with ordinary voters, in that he is just as naive a tosser as anyone".
YOOGUV POLL PUTS CAMERON IN POLE POSITION FOR SNAP POLL
New research suggested at the weekend that were Supposition Leader Dave Camron to learn Polish and become Lech Camrostrinksa he would win more seats than there are in the House of Commons. New Labour would be left with a rump of -231 seats and this would see many senior Ministers forced to head North to try and persuade their own people to vote for them. Among the casualties are expected to be Jock McBalls, Ali McFarthing, Gordooom McBroon, Macbeth, Mac the Knife, McDonalds and John McEnroe
McBalls....overweight disgustingly unpleasant nasty little swot
LIBDEM FOUNDER STEEL CLAIMS 'BLAIR IS NOT ONLY MAD ONE'
Former Spitting Image pocket battleship and one-time Liberal leader Lord Steel told the Sundry Mimes at the weekend he had concluded that the Herr Doktor Daffyd Owen the Foreign isn't it should be sectioned under the Delusional Hubris Amendment Act (2oo3) Ltd.
Steel: 'Unable to exhale'
Speaking from his Caledonian Neuroscience Redoubt, the former Aldermaston Sandals Fuhrer declared "Once the NSDAP had fallen apart, poor David developed the obsessive belief that he could save everyone and everything from anything remotely Balkan, Iraqi or North Korean that might happen. He became hyperactive and likely to boil over, rather like a lettle calling a pot black".
Lord Daffodil.....suffered from introverted megalomania syndrome
TAXPAYERS TO HAVE RIGHT TO RAID COMMONS
Carefully hidden under Alistair Darling's Budget-rubble was a secretly inserted clause enabling tax accountants to storm the Palace of Westminster and seize assets belonging to Self Embezzled MPs, journalists heard today.
The massively extended powers give ordinary taxpayers the right to wake private members from their researchers' beds and demand they explain why Auntie Histhemine has come into money as a result of privately-run funds for the relief of Anti-Kurd Forces in Iraq.
While Lord Archers-Cider told an empty House of Lords that "there is no single shred of evidence that any of the Right Honourable Members are innocent, there is No Smoke without Fire which just happens to be the title of my new bodice-busting block-ripper of a novel available at all good booksellers".
Dame Maggie Splodge.... 'fan of discreet openness'
But Culcher Minister Madge Cheste told Common MPs that "not since What Tiler and his Polish plasterer mates has such a silly idea been put forward, and personally I think Gordon has not so much lost the plot as censored under the new edict of Security Council Gauleiter Braun's Emergency Law for the Protection of People From Themselves.
(18.3.08)
IRAQ: 'SECURITY SITUATION NOW MUCH BETTER' SAYS MINISTER IN CHARGE OF SECURITY SITUATION
Iraq.....things now 'much better than last week'
In a remarkable turnaround, Iraq has suddenly been transformed into an entirely wonderful paradise infinitely better than it was before other things happened. Interviewed by BBC24, Sky News, CNN and Blomberg, Mr Ahmed Kurd'zanwai said "The evidence is there for all to see - nobody has been shot in my family for nearly a month - and whether doomsayers like it or not, we have not suffered shock and awe for over five years." 
Kurd'zanwai.....seen here relaxing with family
Baghdad lawyer Ms Gu'day Sunnishi'ne agreed. "Since the country was divided into forty-six tunnels, it has been so much easier to get on with everyone. Many of us have mobile phones, MP3 players - and one or two people to ring, plus a few prayers to record on the MP3 players."
American Lieutenant-Colonel Vice-Major in Charge of Ongoing Civilian Population Liaison George Papyrus IV confirmed the good news, explaining "It's kind of obvious going forward that if you, like, wanna stop insurgents, then you gotta have surges. I mean, you gotta fight fire with fire - so what we need right now is all the surges we can get, right? You know - send a surge, stop an insurgency and stuff. So God Bless America." 
Papyrus....US policy 'right on the money'
UK Minister in charge of the Iraq security situation Neville Chamberpot confirmed in the Commons last Friday that the improving security situation in Iraq meant that both the British decision to withdraw and the US decision to stay had been "entirely vindicated".
WHAT DOES NEW McCARTNEY SONG MEAN? ASK FANS
Close analysts of McCartney lyrics were today wondering what hidden meaning there might be behind Sir Paul's new album You fucking pegleg Geordie Bitch.
In particular, fans of the former Beatle debated what underlying meaning there might be behind the album's seventh track It only takes one leg to dig for gold. The lyric attracting most attention so far is
You scrubber you were fuckin' skint
and just another Groupie bint
but now you've gone an' made a mint
I 'ope you fuckin' take the hint
Sir Paul's former arranger Sir George Martin commented "Paul's lyrics are often eliptical, and we can see this yet again on the new album. But on the whole, I think we can safely assume that the album is at least partly about his ex-wife".
Weight is added to the celebrated arranger's view by the front cover of Macca's new LP.
But perhaps the song Sir George is referring to here might be Toon Bike. During this essentially inscrutable track, McCartney sings as follows:
You are a unicycle, I am the walrus, Goo-gook-a-boob
(27.3.08)
I Mean what's that all about?
As these days we get lots of new visitors to the site (and I fiddle about with the content based on hits information, mood and ideas) it's seems only fair to tell you what the role of each bit is. If you don't think those roles are fulfilled, by the way - or are being duplicated - write to john@johnaward.net and I promise I'll read your content.
First of all, let me introduce the backroom staff here at nby. On the left of this picture sits Lady Arden-Abbatoire III, and on the right Dame Juanetto Kammerling von Pwwwlellwwhhhiiii. We rely on these two products of a working-class incomprehensible education to keep us all in line.
(23.3.08)
TODAY'S RECIPE - Two-lose sausage fricassee
Take 1 grisled old tube of reconstituted jerk-chicken, and 1 roasted trouser snake. Place in hot water
Shake until dead in the water. Then throw away and try something better
ISSUED BY THE REPUBLICANS FOR OBAMA COMMITTEE
| Health warning against crucifixion |
The Philippines government has issued an Easter public heath warning - on the dangers of crucifixion
(Ananova news agency, Maundy Thursday)
(Easter 2008)
Let's wait until spotty feral monsters are chucking bricks through car windows, and then invite them to work with us in a 'non-negotiable' contract to ease them into society's mainstream..... thence on to a life of glittering prizes and good works.
I know - I'll go to Iraq and declare undying allegiance to the surge. That should push wavering US voters in my direction, given they don't give a shit about Iraq
(Then go see that guy in England - he looks like he has a future)
Vote McCain and cash in your chips
The AA, RAC and Ministry for Transport would like to make it clear that the roads are going to be busy this Easter. This is mainly because there will be a lot of cars on them, and people in the cars. There will also be a lot of delays on the rail network. This is because the rail owners are fucking stupid.
Let's chuck another £20 billion into markets from the ECB and BoE - there's a problem of trust not liquidity, but we must be seen to be doing something. And as the rate of interest isn't the issue either - I know what - let's cut interest rates again! And you know what? - this'll all be so good for the currency
(Easter 2008)
Moses dies. Star of Hollywood schlockbuster Tell Cid found dead in two-in-a-bed romp with rifle
Jeux sans Torch: Chinese Olympic Torchure continues - France impounds flame for use in biftek flambe recipes
'I'm not stupid' claims Jowell: Olympic budget custodian praises police and says sport nothing to do with civil liberties. OiGuv Poll shows 99% of voters disagree with all three assertions
Ant & Dec: How affirmative action helped our career. MORE
Zimbabwe: Mugabe orders white farm recount voter headcount best of three double or quits toss you for it solution to crisis
China: Dalai Lama dilemma creates damning dildo dichotomy for de dickheads on IOC
comrade bob slams europe's sham democracies
Mugobwe....deeper freedom
Lashing his European enemies today, Chief Zimgodme Mubonkers accused British politicians of stealing his identity in an Imperialist plot to sell it on the black market in order to bribe his own loving people to hate him.
Fellow African politicians were relieved at this more measured tone to President Zimbobwe's speech, until Rhodesia's liberator began an attack on Western 'sham' democracies.
"Look" he said to an audience of passing bulldozers, "all you got in dat West is one man one vote, right? But heeyah in Mubabwe, we got one man, one vote AND one Party. Ah meanin', if dat not freedom den what is? Ah even bein' completely open an' tellin' everyone dat de one man wib de one vote am Mr Ooosobatti Indigbutto. It lucky fo' him dat he voted de same way as me who got all de eight million udder votes, so I win. Dat why dis here Tsvangirai am guilty of de treason on account he opposing de will of de one man wib de one vote."
(18.4.08)
top general slams hidden extras
by Felix Titling
Genocidal pudding George A. Custard lashed out at Little Big Horn residents Friday, telling Pentagon officials that he is "just so pissed with the Red Man hiding behind rocks in Hollywood movies". He argued for a Congressional enquiry into what he called 'hidden extras'.
Custard added that he was tired of being followed everywhere by big cheeses.
butter situation clarified
The world's largest sauce beurre blanc was last night floating off the Tyneside port of Billingsgrowth, after a tanker containing 4.3 million kilos of Lurpak was hit by lightning, and simmered gently for two hours on a bainemarie of brine.
Said celebrity chef Arsely Haricot, "It is an eculinarlogical disaster on a set of scales, but nevertheless a tour de force in the mass-catering sector".
Mr Haricot apologised for being a dick, and asked what he was like.
FRANCE BREAKS WIND BARRIER
World holds breath and nose as Frog inventor blasts off powered by biofuel
By our Science Correspondent Clarence McShinty
Jean-Paul-Claude-Luc Henri Pierre Serge Essence de Petomain astonished his wife and three neighbours yesterday afternoon by creating a perfect earth-escape trajectory just 4.2 seconds after ascending vertically from his garden in Nantes. "'e jerrss went 'poop'" said vivacious 43 year-old blonde Mrs Nadine Petomain, "Ah woodern't mand, but 'e dersn't even 'aff a leecarnce for a ricket".
American NASA monitors told a press conference later that Petomain had already passed Saturn and could be expected to enter Neptune orbit within hours. "He will have to contain his flatulence" said Chuck Lockjaw, "otherwise he may completely pebble-dash the planet during his descent." Director of the Russian Cosmology Centre Igor Blimemateski told us "The size of fart involved exceeds anything managed by Chirac".
Serge the Surge....Neptune bound
Friends told Off Day that the day before launch, Petomain ate forty-six onions, seven tins of haricots blancs and then at T minus sixty drank three litres of biofuel-enhanced 98-octane petrol laced with en vrac Bergerac Red. Local proctologist Bertrand Figue described how he then inserted a ten-inch Roman Candle into the inventor's back passage and lit the blue touch-paper. "I went ten-nine-eight" he said, "And zen 'e wurz gern. As indeed is most erv ma 'air".
'Was ist?' demand German Oranges
The top bit of Germany (currently Orange) brought proceedings in the Reichspudding to a halt this morning by demanding a debate on the 'ist' question.
"It is so confusink" said Party Leader Wolfbang Tinkle, "Ze Blues say zey are Nationalists, but refuse to say whether they are for or against Nationals". Green spokesman Lief Grunebaum agreed, adding "We as a Party are very racist, but we make it very clear that we despise only the Englische RAC because they are supporting pollution." But Blue Leader Archie Handlebar dismissed the debate as "utter Bosh silliness", telling angry Pudding Club Members "We the Blues shall always be Monarchists, which is why we are fighting hard for our Queen's claim to the German throne, mind your tail Ginger, bandits at a quarter to four".
inside: is it time to stamp out fascists? we ask a representative sample of fascs
jodrell bank in trouble says stormgun manley
By our Financial Editor Nat West
Top banking CEO Saddam Applecart looked in danger of losing his hair Friday as the former mutual telescope-turned-plc financial giant Jodrell Bank asked the Andromeda Building Society for help in handling its £400 trillion debts. Speaking through an interpreter and several large loudhailers, Andromeda Chairalien Pearly Bling commented, "Is he 'avin' a laugh or what?"
Jodrell's customer-facing begging bowl
Riposted Applecart, "Our atomic-powered rocket model for capturing a niche position in the sub-primeval credit sector was very robust". However, Stormgun Manley Andromeda Constellation Futures Analyst Zip Purdey told Off Day "This was more shit or bust than robust. Our indicators right now suggest we'll be turning right at the next junction, and also that Jodrell is in trouble. It has handed in two late homeworks in a row. We think at least a detention may be on the cards, or possibly a crunch interview with the Headmaster of the Universe."
(20.4.08)
us scuba driver in forlorn attempt to rescue sinking british Pm
Unknown Prime Minister drowns in giant wave of syrup
Rescue 'made impossible by crocodile tears'
Multiple diving expert Senator Ted Kennedy tried manfully for twenty-three long minutes last Friday to rescue the leaden career of unknown British Prime Minister Mr Boredom Frown. But it was all for nought as the brave lassie Mary Jo McDrown sank to the bottom of Boston Bay. Onlookers at first thought Ms Clown had succumbed to the waves of nauseous syrup ladled generously upon his head by the Senator from Chappaquiddick. But witness Ms Caroline Kennedy told reporters, "This guy Brine could so easily have been saved had it not been for the Tsunami of water spouting inexplicably from his false eye. It is a tragedy for the people of Scotland England."
sub-crime crisis grips planet
Orgy of stealing brings call for bigger prisons
In an astonishing week of accusation and acrimony, voters yawned in the face of a burgeoning epidemic of large-scale burglary. Breaking off from his ticker--tape parade in New York, Prime Minister Gargoyle Doom charged Robert Mudgardy with stealing all 8.335 million votes in the recent Zimbabwe election.
Nonplussed at being frisked for missing ballot-boxes, Mobgobby in turn accused the PM of trying to steal Zimbabwe in his hand luggage. Meanwhile, top spinning top Stephen Carthorse accused the Pope of stealing Mr Brown's limelight, a crime he described as "all the more heinous given the rarity of this substance". And as Mr Drown returned from the USA, the Labour Party filed an uncivil suit for recovery of a missing band of taxation, the theft of which Britain's leader is also suspected.
Talking from the back of his head Sunday morning, Chancellor Allunfair Fartling blamed New Labour's ills on the sub-crime debit-crunch, pointing out "someone seems to have nicked £120 billion of taxpayers' money, but we've no idea who or how."
exclusive:
carter tells brown - election lost
Carter Farter-Starter...early-onset naivety victim
Spin Surgeon Mr Even Smarter stunned his boss Gormlous Frown by telling the Prime Minister on his return that the 2009 Election had been mislaid.
Number Ten's Tour Package Supremo allegedly told the PM, "I know I had it when I left home Friday morning, but now I can't find it anywhere. "
A furious Brown immediately killed three secretaries and began biting Carter's nails - but despite his anger, after three days the Election's whereabouts remain unknown. Said Blairite rebel Chuck Plod, "This is a direct result of the lunatic decision to ban Vote Hunting. If we'd just carried on doing fuck-all while smiling, we wouldn't now face this appalling haystack full of lost needles."
Conservatives are certain to needle the Government's Front Bench about the rapidly growing stack, which includes Mr Farthing's lost credibility, Hazel Blear's lost brain, The Labour Left's lost confidence, the Prime Minister's lost conscience, the Budget's lost votes, and Ruth Kelly's lost mind. Sources close to Number Ten's Lost Property Office also confirmed that while on holiday in America, Mr Drown had lost his identity, control of his bowels, and his grip.
global problems require global solutions says Jock McCliche
McLacklustre....arthritis
It was one of those mind-bogglingly dumb things that the political, financial and economic Establishments vomit up for our enjoyment on an almost daily basis: 'Global problems require global solutions'.
This form of ex cathedra reasoning could easily catch on. 'Murder crimes require execution solutions' is one that springs to mind. Or how about 'Unfettered Murdoch power requires a Murdoch solution'? Blair wars require a Blair solution. Applegarth problems require an Applegarth solution. Sub-prime crises require sub-prime solutions.
Every time he opens his mendacious mouth, Brown demonstrates that he is a boring, arrogant functionary who truly believes the whole UK electorate to be entirely stupid.
Still, look on the bright side: with the local elections coming up, the Opposition Parties could adopt 'local problems require local solutions' as their soundbite. Unlike the global drivel, it is actually true.
government plumps for elegant simplicity to produce 10% solution
Field.....he's a rebel, duckie
Five-hundred cubic feet of Lobby Fodder escaped from its whipmaster today and decided to take a 10% Tax Rate Abolition stand. The stand will take place six trenches behind the Iraq War stand, the BaE enquiry stand, the Trial by Jury stand, the 40-days interrogation stand and the we can't stand it any more oh alright then roger me senseless up the arse stand.
As such, it will join the Fox Hunting stand as the Labour Left's contribution to a fairer society over the last decade.
Sources close to desperation said last night that to save his fat Jock face, Gorbals Clown will allow Ali Darjeeling to introduce a credit appeal system for those debited by the 10% rate abolition.
More civil servants, kerr-ching!
Farter....shrewd
The word is out that Gordian's invisible US tour (bizarrely planned to coincide with that of the Pope) was not - as many allege - yet more evidence that Stevie 'Wonder' Carter is vague on the posterior/funny bone arrangement. The trip was (it seems) deliberately planned to hide the fact that the Prime Minister has no international standing whatsoever - by blaming the 'distraction' of the Pope. Right.
Bradshaw....night on tiles
Britain's binge culture - why?
Our social engineers (especially Brandshaw, B, IVb) seem to have once again skipped the Management Summary re this one, so herewith a few tips:
1. Price is a factor in drink abuse, but not a key one: in most other EU countries, prices are lower - alongside far lower levels of excessive drinking.
2. Availability and on-licence promotion are much bigger factors - as is the naive expectation that the Beerage will adopt the spirit of anti-abuse codes. (See many nbys passim)
3. Mad Tessa's 24/7 pisshead charter has made things worse: read past naked government dissembling, and listen instead to police and local residents' voices.
4. The Government needs to find stylish and effective communication ways to make drinking uncool: this is what killed off the fag boys.
5. Stop seeing the problem as a 15-30s binge issue: even worse is the unbroken 30-60s steady drinking busy destroying livers. (78% of those who die of drink are not alcohol dependent)
6. Use your noddle, Ben: people are getting pissed because to do so is socially acceptable and they're unhappy. There is no quick fix to eradicate this need for a fix - only a long process of marginalising drink - and thinking about what's truly wrong with our culture - will solve the problem.
That will be five billion guineas, Ithangyou.
(21.4.08)
new tsar cracks down on nutcrackers
By Felix Titling
Plodovitch....Trans-Siberian dresser
New Crackdown Tsar Alexei Plodovitch yesterday got tough with the gangs (dubbed 'Nutcrackers' by the media) currently causing mayhem in our mental health service. "I'm giving these swine notice that I'm putting up lots of notices" he said, adding "The Government is adopting a zero-tolerance attitude towards those who gaily walk around nutting people who are crackers. This could spread, and then where would we be? Ten Downing Street?"
But a spokesperson for Nutcracker Pride refuted the idea of any homosexual connection. "We are not gay uphill gardening bum-bandit fudge-packers" said leading cracker Hadi Bin Sane, "we are against only those who are mad and it is our destiny as members of Nutcracker to nut these people whenever we see them because that is God's punishment and then we shall each have exactly thirty-seven teenage dusky Arab boys as our celestial sex slaves".
Home Secretary Quentin Cheekie moved swiftly to deny the matter was his responsibility. "I'm simply a secretary who works from home" he said "I just can't think why the media keep pestering me and by the way do you think this is my best side?" And so it was left to Plodovitch to draft a new Parliamentary Bill. He told Off Day "Bill has been avoiding the draft for years, but now we have no choice other than to pass a new law about disturbing the disturbed."
Under the proposed legislation, there will be a hidden controlled explosion. And if that doesn't work, all patients in mental hospitals will have notices nailed to their heads saying 'DO NOT DISTURB'. The few patients in sane hospitals will almost certainly avoid any such disturbance.
kitnapper strikes again
Cat Burglar Foxglove 'Foxie' Ward went on the run again last week after holding Mitten the Kitten hostage at gunpoint. The tearaway terrier asked for a ransom of 8000 Caeser Dogfood pouches, but gave herself up after eating 913 of them at one shitting. (Surely 'sitting'? - Ed)
Said Mitten later, "She was smitten with this kitten, but actually I'm Gay, so for me it's once bitten, twice shy: I'm going to hide in Thames Ditton with my feline friend Felix. He's such a love".
euro comes from behind in shock currency exchange
The currency crisis was alleviated today when the dollar was given relief following an exchange of liquidity with the Euro. Said European Trade Supremo Mandy Fondlebum "You can bet your bottom dollar that with the Euro getting bigger all the time, it's going to be hard times for the buck. In fact right now, a buck's out of the question." But shrewd investors said "This could be the right time to put some Euro into the dollar".
Headlines in briefs
Boris and Ken in vote-fuelled love-nest shame
Lee Harvey Oswald was Gay, claims new report*
Blair 'may convert to bottoms' says aide
Baden Powell Julius Caesar Liberace Aristotle James Dean Cary Grant
* By Peter Tatchell
official:
Scotland gay
I mean let's get real here, what the fuck is that all about? Not just wearing dresses right - but tops off for the boys! Ooooo..
top ten Homo insults
- Shirtlifter
- Turd Burglar
- Queer
- Pink Oboe player
- Fudge-packer
- Amateur proctologist
- Nancy
- Uphill Gardener
- Batter for the other side
- Rear gunner
ten things you never knew about homos
- They can't have babies
- They eschew the front-bottom
- They live in toilets
- They're double-jointed
- They all support Fulham
- They don't like footie
- They have horns
- They're a bit peculiar
- They don't like steak
- They all go to Hollywood
Uranus Edition
Printed this morning on a moon of Saturn and do you know we've just got the most divine view here darlings, all these lovely bits circling round Saturn, it makes a boy want to go for a ride on a ring.
Fun on Planet Brokeback
this childishly gratuitous homoprobic gag was brought to you by max haystacks
(Never gag on a homoprobe)
(27.4.08)
israeli air strike brings middle east to halt
Hostilities in the Middle East came to an abrupt end yesterday as the Israeli Air Force went on strike. Stunned by the development, thirteen out of the twenty-two factions of Jihadist Islam in surrounding Arab countries condemned the action as 'entirely irresponsible in the current climate of mutual genocide', but the other nine were unaware of the strike owing to the noise of their rifles firing upwards into the sky.
Said Israeli Air Force Commander Billan Ben-Hur, "It is diabolical for pilots to go on strike when we're saving money right left and centre here. We buy all our bombs wholesale, the planes were made on the cheap as a favour by my brother-in-law, and these men have had two pay rises since 1947."
economic climate change a disgrace says top banker
Sir Fairly Goodwinat-T'races told the Government today that it was doing 'nowhere near enough to deal with the increasingly obvious signs of economic climate change'.
Clouds...sure sign of change says complete banker
"It is an absolute disgrace" said the mastermind behind the purchase of the French bank EhbienUmbro, "Every day debt levels are rising and yet all that Mr Drawling has done is give us £400 billion and half the Treasury's Bonds to play with. With monsoons on my parade, and the enormous amounts of greenhouse gas emanating from my squitty bottom, we need to double money emissions and cut interest levels immediately if we are to save my job, which means The World to me. "
bank of england signals end to credit crunch as manufacturing slumps and retail goes tits up just ahead of housing market going down tubes after brussels damns uk trade deficit and predicts recession in europe before half experts say stock market stall means crisis over and other lot say it means end of life as we know it
sort of says it all, really
vigil for brown as pm goes missing
By Felix Titling
Friends of Prime Minister Gordon Brown were described as 'increasingly concerned' last night by his disappearance following PMQs in the House of Commons last Wednesday.
Speaking to the media yesterday afternoon, Chief Inspector Brinsley Prisoner paid tribute to the missing man, saying he "was a stranger to many people and the truth, but would never have hurt a fly if he couldn't get away with it".
Gordon (the presenter of UKtv's Vision programme) had been increasingly depressed in recent weeks after meeting with various opinionated Poles who told him, "Listen chum, you so crap we all goink home".
A candlelit vigil will be held in the home of Mrs Edna Truculent tomorrow night.
No flowers just yet, please.
(2.5.08)
Seb: Hoodies smashing phone boxes, Marky - big problem.
Mark: Top thinking Sebbo. Er, just run 'phone box' by me again - is that, like, a broadband digibox conversion for ISDN multiple wireless knowledge sharing?
S: No, it's a box in the street where people make phone calls. Poor people, pensioner people - you know, Old Labour stuff.
M: Right. Got you - on the same page now bruv. How about....an ASBO?
S: ASBO's a bit yesterday Marky. Also, these Hoodies they, um, collect ASBOs. It's like a cult.
M: Wow! Cult brand eh? We did a good job there. Brand extensions! How about Anti-Social Death Authority....ASDA....?
S: It's brave Bruv, but Gordon's not keen. You know - it was Tony's....
M: ...Got you - not invented here, right?
S: Top darts, Mark. We need to put ASBOs in the learning pouch and move on.
M: Right. Parents! Name and shame the parents?
S: The parents come out of focus groups as zero shame-bearers, Marky.
M: Fine the parents?
S: Treasury feedback's a bit off-message on that one, chum - costs a hundred million to send out the fines, but Hoodies' daddies don't pay them.
M: Jail the parents?
S: Jails are in a critical space assessment review situation. We're on the case of more prisons, but stalled by the money supply.
M: Set fire to the parents?
S: Good thought Bruv, but it's not the one - got to cut the carbon footprint down to size.
M: Christ....see what you mean Seb. Bit of a toughie this one. Any thoughts yourself?
S: Well.....I had a few moments in the Zil this morning, and I've got a feeling we may be looking through the wrong end of the tree on this one.
M: Cool.....you mean sort of, go for the load-bearing fruit?
S: Could be, could be - hard to tell. I'm talking major SWOT analysis....looking at the roots rather than the branches.
M: Roots?
S: Yes Mark. They're long windey things that grow under trees. The branches are just the tip of the iceberg.
M: Icebergs?
S: They're lettuces bruv - less tasty than Romaine Rosso, but I don't do education, that's Balls. What I'm saying is, we have to go outside the box on this one.
M: Outside the phone-box?
S: In a manner of speaking, yes. See, fact is kidder, we don't really know who the parents of these Hoodies are, let alone where they are - and the Hoodies probably don't either. Thing is, they're a tricky target audience - hard to find.
M: Surely we know the Hoodies are in the phone box smashing it up?
S: No, no....their parents, mate - hard to target, impossible to punish.
M: Right. And we've got to have people to punish.
S: On the money there, Marky - so I thought.....maybe look at the total 'phone boxes in streets' gestalt.
M: What, punish the phone boxes? Aren't the Hoodies already doing that for us?
S: Yes, yes.....but think lateral - suppose there aren't any more phone boxes left to smash?
M: That's a big idea from a big brother. No phone boxes, no problem.....
S: Fewer upkeep costs for BT....
M:...bigger dividends for the shareholders...
S:....and no votes lost by us.
M: Great. Er....hang on a minute Sebbo, have you missed some dogshit on the critical path there?
S: How so?
M: Well, I mean - you know, these old and poor people. I mean...they won't have phone boxes any more, right?
S: Mark, look - do you know anyone who uses phone boxes?
M: I don't even know any phone-boxes, Seb.
S: Correct. Do you know anyone who gives a shit about people who use phone boxes?
M: Antique dealers?
S: Apart from antique dealers.
M: Nope.
S: Well there you are. We'll appoint a phone-box Tsar.
M: To crack down on telephone boxes?
S: Correct. And get Health & Safety to declare them unsafe.
M: I'm seeing 'New Labour to wipe out big street safety threat'.
S: Great. Get onto it Marky.
M: Will do. Bruv, why do these, um, hoodies smash up phone boxes.
S: Sorry?
M: Well - you know - hoodies. What, as it were, makes them want to render phone boxes useless?
S: How should I know? What am I, some kind of social worker?
M: No, no....but, I mean, maybe we could do some research....ask them why they, er, do it.
S: Where've you been the last six months Marky?
M: Er....mostly Thurferford West. It's a marginal you see - have to keep in well with the voters, God bless 'em....
S: Heard there's a credit crunch on have you?
M: Yes, but...
S: Mark, how can we possibly waste money on more focus groups when Northern Rock cost us more in a month than the bloody NHS does in a year?
M: Did it?
S: I should say so. Well, I don't say so otherwise we'd get lynched...but even so, this is the new reality, Bruv.
M: It is?
S: You bet: tighten belts, backs against the wall, close ranks...
M:...open bowels...
S:....and make sure those Tory bastards don't get in and throw away everything we've created.
M: I hadn't thought of it like that. Where would I be without you Sebbo?
S: In a special needs home, Mark.
M: You're not going to send me back there are you brother?
S: Not if you do as I tell you.
M: Do I really have to do that again?
S: No Marky, not today - just get onto the smashed-up phone boxes crack-down project.
M: I'm on the ball, Seb.
S: Good. Now get on the case - and Mark?
M: Uhm?
S: Take the Watford strip off before you leave.
M: Right-ho......
(March 2008)
Steve Richards in The Independent:
'Currently, a fatal narrative is in place. It can be summarised in three words: "Brown is a disaster"'
Er, that's four words Steve
£6 billion shortfall warning by labour leader
'I warn you not to fall ill. I warn you not to get old'.
No Comment
ecodisaster as winehouse conk explosion devastates caribbean
Climate change experts were horrified last night as St Lucia was irradiated with crack-cocaine following jazz-sparrow Amy Winehouse's nasal explosion.
Speaking from his air-filtered redoubt beneath St Austell, Foreign Climate Tsar David Miliband spoke by MSN to tell nby "This appalling pollution is totally unacceptable to the British Government, and we shall be sending messages about something or other to somebody somewhere saying that this theft of Caribbean Clean Air will be the subject of very severe recriminations here in All-Powerful Britain".
brown light-bulb implant:
first picture
From Science Correspondent Dietrich Von Ausland
In a world-first for Britain's completely undangered National Health Service, the Prime Minister successfully underwent a light-bulb implant yesterday. The London Hospital for the Alleviation of Idea Poverty issued a press release confirming that 'a Scottish gentleman with no nails had a light-bulb implanted in his mouth this morning. So far the light-bulb seems to be working, although there is no sign as yet of any ideas from the patient'.
But the news was greeted with furious denials from Downing Street staffers. Top Spin underarm googly bowler Stephen Crater told nby "There is absolutely no truth in this ridiculous story at all it is all based on Gordon's teeth having lit up Pall Mall on account of his sunny nature when he returned from a routine check-up last night this often happens by the end of the day because he is so happy about how many poor people he's made rich but it has nothing at all to do with light-bulbs."
Asked when the Prime Minister would be seen in public again, Mr Farter said he couldn't comment but he imagined it was quite likely in the medium term. Asked to define medium-term, he fainted.
award-winning ecotrailers get northern rock thumbs-up
Cutting-edge new Abergele multi-storey caravan site Sands View has won a prestigious You've Got a Mortgage award from only very temporarily nationalised bank Northern Rock. General Manager (Sales) Mr Alistenna Stairlift told the Abergele Bugle "I'm absolutely delighted to announce this major contract, which we think confirms the Government view that the worst is now over and we can be safely re-elected."
Commenting later, Sands View proprietor Olwyn Fats said she was "thrilled with the deal which is good for us and safe for investors in the Rock".
The mortgage is a newly-designed Megasafe Loan offering much lower multiples of salary and much higher rates of interest. "We are confident" said Mr Stairlift, "That this judicious balance of caution and daylight robbery will be entirely in the taxp.... er, shareholders' interests".
Commenting later still, Olwyn said that she didn't "remember anything about no daylight bloody robbery in the deal and to be totally truthful with you 'ere I shall be 'avin' a word or two in Stairlift's shell-like tomorrow izzenit?"
carphone winehouse
Britain's biggest mobile retailer and heavy phone-head disaster area Amy Winelake will team up next week in a three-month promotion being run in conjunction with the Brewers' Association. Said the association's witch doctor Ivy Winedrip, "The idea is to raise awareness among young people of the dangers presented by too much use of mobile phones". Offering a slightly different perspective, Carphone's founder and Chairman Charles Donestuff observed that "the primary aim is to wake young people up to the dangers of excessive drinking". But speaking from his bed in The Priory's substance abuse unit, Winehouse manager Stoned Shotup added "Nah mate, we just like wanna make a shitload of dosh innit an' this cold turkey is well doin' me 'ead in, 'ere, d'you know where I can score?"
crisis in crime: asbos dropped
Crimestopper Wacky Jacqui Smith tried hard to laugh off the ASBO disaster last week, but there was no disguising the fact that she had dropped Tony Blair's favourite ornament.
She told a press conference for the launch of Labour Initiatives Week, "I was just dusting it and it slipped out of my fingers. It was a simple accident, but life goes on and we shall be replacing it with The Framing Game, a new TV-based approach whereby everyone will be fitted up for beastly behaviour and then shamed, after which I thought we'd, you know, see how it goes and then have a shot at something else. Or perhaps somebody else."
For those New Labour initiatives in full, go to the Initiatives Fair
zimbabwe election run-off monitor counts opposition votes
surveillance cameras - new evidence on failures
Advertiser's announcement
CEO Viktim Bandit says:
"hurry on down to the great brick lane citiboot sale!! £250 billion worth of top-quality assets must go!!"
Just look at these must-have bargains:
* 2,300 overpaid berks
*723,00 leveraged loans
*42,966 complex debts
* 987,000 structured investments
* 2300 overmortgaged houses
As Mr Gotaspare Farthing steers the ship of state serenely through the insignificant squalls that lie ahead, an awful realisation is slowly dawning in the mind of this prudent Scottish genius......
What is to be done? This is what most thinking people in Cool Britannia are asking today. What is to be done about a car I can't afford to drive, fuel bills and mortagages I can't afford to pay, aged relatives I can't afford to keep, the job I no longer have, the deadly bug I got after that toenail operation, the currency that's worthless on holiday, my teenage daughter who can't spell, the extra five years I'll have to do without a pension, those savings I've got with an Icelandic bank, the charges on my overdraft, and the immigrant neighbour taking me to Court because I called my dog Abdul?
But while thinking people are thinking such things, the Chancellor has been thinking 'Thank God I'm not the Chancellor, as otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep nights'. Because you see, poor Alistair has got Im not me I'm somebody else syndrome (INMISES)
It is estimated that INMISES affects something like 87% of all Britons aged between 27 and 64. Sufferers tend to think they might be talented, Ant & Dec, attractive, useful, entitled, rich, go-getting, interesting or famous like what Jade Goody is.
Most people are going to their banks in search of a cure. These are readily available in the form of anally-inserted medication - foreclosures, high interest rates, massive bank charges, lost deposit monies and so forth. After only a few administrations, INMISES sufferers report waking within days to realise that the Government is talking drivel about steering a steady course, and that instead of being International Man of Mystery Dean Rockfist, they are in fact Elvis Plank, a plasterer from Leicester.
As yet, Alistair remains in denial. Still under the illusion that he is long-forgotten Glaswegian songstress Lulu, his inpromptu renditions of 'Shout' during Treasury meetings are destroying morale. That and his tendency to ask - at every stage of disaster - 'What do you normally do when this happens?' But ever so slowly, the sun of awareness is rising above the valley of ignorance: for Northern Rock are about to up the rates on his mortgage.
NEW FLEET STREET SENSATION maxine haystacks JOINS NBY
mp's sex-toy role in ronnie kray cleopatra games
By Maxine Haystacks
Westminster was aghast last night as senior Labour MP Frank Field 'ang on, 'ang on, 'ang on....are you bloody mad Maxie? Where the blue blazes did you get this story?
Well actually, um, I got it from Downing Street. Stephen Carter himself said....
Are you for real? He wasn't even fucking born when Ronnie was shagging Bob Boothby. I'm not even sure Frank Field was. I mean, didn't it occur to you that Carter might have an agenda here?
Course Boss...but, well....it's a great story and....
It's a load of old bollocks is what it is. Now spike the bloody thing and get back to making the Mandelson Hungary story stick.
mandela in hungarian gay circle shame
Mandela....raving old puffta queen shirtlifter homo queer
By Maxine Haystacks
The planet was rocked to its molten core last weekend when sources close to knitting circles who know about all this disgusting malarkey offered damning evidence of 'ere we go again, for Christ's sake Maxine what are you on?
We have to go with this guv'nor, it's from Mugabe's top man....
Mugabe? Mugabe? Setting aside the fact that the old maniac makes Idi Amin look normal....
....and backed up by Zuma too. Right from the horse's....
Look, Maxie - MandelSON alright? Hungary is nowhere near bleedin' southern Africa.
Well where is it then?
It's - you know - where Austria used to meet Russia I think. Who cares? Fly out there if you like.
Where is there that's in Hungary?
What am I, a fucking geography teacher? Budapest - that's a big place in Hungary. Fly there.
And it's Peter Mandelson, right?
Right.
And he is.....?
Look - you got any dirt on Richard and Judy?
Yeh. They do coke an' that.
Great. Shout through their letter box a bit. Only get a story, right?
Why are they in Hungary?
Jesus Chri....look, they're not, they're...
'TV Couple's three-in-bed romp with bloke called Mandelson in Budapest'....I like it. I'll get a flight out there this afternoon, OK?
Yeh. Whatever.
brown lightens up
'My Government has not run out of ideas'
'How can the Prime Minister possibly make such an assertion?'
'Because we never had any in the first place...hahahahahaha...gotcha!'
New hybrid embryo: first picture
(Forecast to win Nantwich & Crewe off Labour)
johnson looks to make london more famous
Boris....zero trolley-cars
Skipping easily between Old and New Boris, London mayor Johnson stunned his audience at today's press conference. He used water cannon and rubber bullets as a means of demonstrating how effective such things can be in a zero-tolerance strategy going forward.
Once stunned, the audience sat quietly as the new Mayor told them of his plans to make London 'more approachable' to tourists around the world.
"Many big cities have an affectionate nickname, but we don't. New York is called The Big Apple, there's Gay Paree, Chicago is The Windy City and Rome is the Eternal City. So I'm announcing today that my top team will be working on a jolly good name for London too."
Sources close to the Mayor suggested that among the names being considered in City Hall are 'Tory-on-Thames', 'The Big Blond' and the Mayor's own personal favourite, 'Borisopolis'.
new history out this week
The Ubiquity of Iniquity in Antiquity
by Soddom O'rll Stewpid
Three Very Brave Men Indeed Golly were they Ever Brave
By Cyclops, A Gentleman
1. Gordon Brown 2. The Prime Minister 3. The Leader of the Labour Party
Look, hey - what are you all worried about?
My Life as a Downing Street Husband
by Baloney Flair
SEGHEADS
CJ...complete jerk
If you haven't seen BBC2's attempt to keep standards high-brow on the channel, then it's time you caught up with Eggheads.
It's a terrific format. The challengers win roughly twice a decade, the Eggheads' ability to patronise viewers makes Richard Madeley look sensitive, and there's a uniquely unpleasant plonker on their team, CJ. CJ is to television what GordonBrown is to man management.
Anyway, ITV's new(ish) acquisition Tsarina Dawn Airey loves it - so last October she bought the production company Twelve Yard for her employers.
Ms Airhead snapped up the indie producer in a deal worth up to £35m.
Dawn hailed 12 Yard as "an iconic hit machine" and said further acquisitions would follow.
When it comes to how telly works these days, I get the same feelings I had about banks two years ago: how can these numbers possibly work?
ITV have effectively stumped up thirty-five million quid for an outfit which (ok, fair do's, it has a good track record in, er, game shows) didn't actually produce anything for them as yet, as such. They could commission or buy a programme off these folks for a tiny fraction of that amount.
Of course, they'll call it 'upstream diversification'. But for £35million, ITVcould pay the salaries of some extremely fecund employees for the best part of fifteen years. <
