GAGS ARCHIVE / NOT BORN YESTERDAY

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japan in car export suicide horror There was a Nip in the air once more last night as millions of Japanese cars committed ritual suicide following their humiliating inability to sell. As auto exports fell by 132.7%, Emperor Hurrishitsuun declared a Day of National Self-Topping, and by nightfall every cliff-bottom and beach was covered in the deep detritus of Nissan, Toyota, Hyundai, Mibisushi, Honda, Mazda, Hazbeen and Honoyoundaisan. Said motoring correspondent Julian Twynne-Bugatti, "The once-famous Land of Rising Sun has become the Land of the Falling Datsun". Later Jereboam Klaxon called this "the worst line in the history of tedious car programmes". Japan or Korea: which has the funny little trees and which eats dogs? Vote Now!

Mitsubishi commits hari-kiri Hyundai (below)...couldn't face shame

brown explains new threat of indeflation

Top economic visionary Gordon Brown has been explaining to the world why the real threat it now faces is indeflation. "I have been spraying sky-borne CO2 in all directions so that we can lift forty million er pooower people out of wherever they are" he explained, "and to show by example that global solutions require globetrotting men of tomorrow like me." Mr Frown continued, "I am the best man to handle this crisis because having watched it develop from close quarters and waited patiently for ten years to observe its effects without interfering much well not at all actually, I can now step back, weigh in and add insight to my oversight. And it is my clear conviction that there is a new threat called indeflation whereby nobody and nothing can make up their minds about whether we need more, less, up, down, green or red. And that's why I'm going to explain my vision one day African babies, drowning polar bears, do-nothing Tories and vote for me". Is Gordon a Big man for the Job or just a Big Jobbie? Vote Now!

Brown....very simple really

space tourist gordon browniye blasts into orbit

Having discovered that President Obama likes talking to astronauts, negative equity billionaire Gordon Browniye leapt into action last night, and then off the Soyuz spaceship. "That's one giant step for me, and a blessing for mankind" he said, given that Alistair Campbell had told him to. But Opposition Leader Mr Avid Cameroon quipped "I always knew he was a lightweight" followed by "He always was a waste of space" and "He's got his head in the clouds as usual". Mr Vincenze Live-Wire for the Dribbling Lemoncats asked Mr Macaroon to 'for God's sake shut up and give your arse a chance". Are the Russians crap? I mean, have you EVER met a fucking Ivan you liked? Have Your Say!

Exclusive: pm's brain losing it - world saviour to face radical radio-surgery The Prime Minister is suffering from Brownwashing, as shown by the reconstruction above in which data passes from A to B without being collected. In the artist's impression above, the new NHS stem-cell anti-bonkers accelerator removes Mr Brown's aural cavity syndrome and replaces it with specially treated synthetic braindead policies. (Reuters) have you ever been brownwashed? text your story to us ensuring that we don't have to do anything

Haringey social workers 'dented Mexican border defences' The US Ambassador in London made a formal complaint to a passing Parking Meter Attendant this afternoon following the attempt by Shoesmith Haringey Shock-troops to enter the USA illegally in order to save its children from a normal infancy. Although the attempt failed, a ten-mile wide dent in the border fence was created, following which the Mexican government claimed ownership of the space thus created. Legendary American heroes were gathering at the little-known Alamo Records Studio in order to cut a patriotic song penned by Simon Trowel, This Fence Ain't for Nothin' For Fuck's Sake. Haringey Harman: Did she die in vain? Vote Now!

woman in court as economy shrinks faster than expected Kowalski.....implicated in global crisis As the British Government underestimated the rate of descent into depression for the 541st week in a row, Mississippi statistician Darlene Kowalski was arrested on suspicion of giving false information to the IMF, and borrowing seventeen times her salary on a tree branch in her garden. Chancellor Atlasta Farthing told a press conference"We have reason to believe we can stick the whole thing on her - the sub-prime crisis, falling interest rates, Lehman Brothers, the torpedoing of the Lusitania and quantitative easing if it doesn't work. Yippee!" She-Devil who held World to ransom P's 76-204

man who laundered cash gang awarded george cross Pendlebury....extreme A man who put three plumbers into his washing machine after they demanded cash payment was awarded the George Cross today. Len Pendlebury (a wide-mouthed frog impersonator) told magistrates how he rammed the three plumbers into his Bosch and then turned the dial to a Heavily Soiled Whites programme. The police praised his Have-a-Go attitude. Pendlebury asked for a cold-washed Jehovah's witness and seven high-spin Double Glazing Salesmen to be taken into consideration. Which washes whiter - Persil or Levy? Don't bother having your say 'cos it won't make any fucking difference SDP founder and former doctor Lord Owen claims hubris is an occupational hazard for the powerful (Guardian) (And he should know) Start a war, win a peace prize! Enter our competition today

sir fred's house in price decline as vandals strip pension off roof Badloss Manor....air conditioning Somewhere in the region of £30 million was knocked off the value of Sir Fred Goodwin's home Badloss Manor last night as thieves stripped the entire roof of its specially made diamond-encrusted solid gold tiles. Sir Freddie told our reporter "I'm gutted, this roof was a present from my good friend Arnold Schwarzenegger who got together with Jackie Stewart and Muhammed Ali to buy the roof as a tribute to my ego". Later, police said a middle-aged Minister for Women was helping them with their enquiries. Said Sergeant N.A. Palm of the Higher Payington police station, "We have reason to believe that this woman is very experienced in the business of roof-scaling". Do not approach this woman, she is mad

Sensation as Tories claim Miliband tortured UK economy Minigland....strong smell of sulphur (Courtesy Central Office Snaps inc) Evidence was growing last night that David Miliband's Foreign Office is heavily implicated in the torture of the British economy. Shadowy Foreign Secretary Willyamah Mekonah told an empty House of Commons, "It isah very clear to meah that the strangling ofa credit has a sinistera something or otherahah". "I once drank this many pints in a row" But a spoke* in the Foreign & Commnwealth Office told nby overseas perversion wonk Dummkopf Von Ausland, "David was nowhere near the economy at the time, he was doing Environment and stabbing Gordon oops sorry can we go again love?" *This is like a gender-balanced chair

in brief clegg to ditch falling tax rise burden claim queen wants to ban twats from succeeding to throne hiv linked to botty sex says new study city to mount pakistan hedge army raid afghan leader welcomes tory shuttle donor merkel warns on chinese hidden charges police 'did nothing as west africa sank' spy chiefs snub brown over secret cyber breasts attack Brown ambushed by Chileans, Merkel, Hungary, Darling, King, Harman, Sarkozy and ECB

 

 

 

 

 

 

hewitt suicide bill in commons passage shock Oh my Gawd.... Contrary to all expectations, a bill allowing Patricia Hewitt to go abroad and kill herself passed the Commons this morning by 623 votes to 1. A private members' amendment to allow Ms Hewitt to die slowly and in great pain was narrowly defeated, on the grounds of boredom. Frank Field later called Ms Hewitt's Bill 'the most amazing political suicide in history'. Should all MPs kill themselves? Have Your Say

goody to be BBC heaven correspondent Jade Goody is to become the BBC's first ever Heaven Correspondent under a deal masterminded by her Agent here on Earth Max Clifford. Said Mr Clifford, "This is the final last ever episode of the Jade Show because quite frankly if the saga goes on much longer even the dingbats are going to realise I'm taking the piss." TV FUNERAL TO BE BROADCAST ON ALL CHANNELS ALL DAY FOREVER SHOULD THE COFFIN BE OPEN OR CLOSED? Vote now! HOW SHE LOST TWO STONE: JADE's LAST-EVER DIET, p 19

Goody...no longer alive All over Britain, publicists, editors, politicians and other nice people have paid tribute to this brave, dedicated...um...er person who set a shining example to the millions of others just like her starved of a fair chance, nice clothes and talent. The End

in brief Mrs Mugabe in brawl-blaze at Sydney Airport Pakistan judge 'charged for nude photographs' Macedonia votes on Tibetan monks' riot Government to nationalise Mother's Day Maggot donates organs to Comic Relief Gung-ho dentists 'not unusual' says Tom Jones UK brings in £50 Viagra-friendly passport Dame Judi in super-fast broadband tragedy 'Morning offer in bulk-pill profit sell' explains McNulty Student suspended over Niagara New hearing exonerates deaf people

labour to buy up toxic youth Young people....ghastly In a last-ditch desperate final straw-clutching all-or-nothing throw of the dice, Chancellor Salvador Darling announced this morning that the Government will buy up Britain's toxic youth in a daring bid to solve the Knife-Drugs-Pissed-Useless Crunch once and for all. The Move was condemned by Tory Crap-Youth spokesperson Amanda d'Influence, who told MPs "The market has decided that Britain's Underclass is a crock of shit and so they should be allowed to die off naturally. It is nature's way." She added that an inability to count, tie shoelaces, commit burglary or vacate sofas would ensure their extinction once all benefits were cut off. DOES AMANDA D'INFLUENCE HAVE AN UGLY NOSE? Vote Now!

OUTRAGE AS HAMAS TOILET BOMBER FOUND DEAD IN STAFFORD A&E His Almighty Barminess Ayotole Rant told angry crowds from the balcony of his stomach yesterday afternoon that Holy Jihad would be declared upon Stafford Hospital following 'the tragic Death by Neglect of Islamist hero Salim Calib'rate' in its A&E department last week. But plucky Matron Rosa Pleb told reporters "Jihad, Schmihad - I very much doubt if we'll notice any difference, to be honest wiv yer. 'e came in 'ere screamin' blue murder so we told 'im 'e was artofohdah an' 'e carried on so Dr Ying 'it 'im and then we put 'im on a trolley. It was just a normal sort of day an' anyone woulda done the same." (l to r) Bog Bomber Salim, have-a-go Dr Ying and Matron Pleb with close friend   Severed foot calls for death-hospital enquiry - p 97 Is suicidal irritable bowel eczema on the rise? Have Your Say

Gerrard ponders Afghan exit plan Liverpool and England soccer star Steven Veryard is to join a crack Government team with a view to framing some kind of way to get out of the almighty Afghan poo we seem to be in. He told our reporter: "Ah reckn if are lads can like yer know gerragrip o' deir front men and stay tightadaback, we gorra a fightin' chance like of Idunno mebbe sneakin' in be'ind de back four burreitther way irr'll be great like yerknowharramean?" Can you understand Gerrard? Vote now! Wayne Rooney: Fruit or Veg? Have Your Say

Gerard....bit hazy, like Militaryband....asked for interpreter is miliband crap at footie? Have Your Say

johnson to refuse terror- training Small pinched spirits close to London Mayor Boris Johnson intimated today that he will refuse to undergo terror training. Said a goblin insider, "Bo feels it is enough to scare everyone shitless already without going to greater lengths." Join our Save Heathrow Airport Kill Boris campaign

'SCRAP YARD FIRES' SAYS CLEGG Fire....hot In a further move to capture the high ground in the ecology debate, Libdem leader Click Neg spoke from the top of St Paul's Cathedral this afternoon to demand an end to yard fires. "We must work to scrap yard fires whether they're in scrap yards or metres" he told nby's Green correspondent Sir Henry Frogg. Did you see Nick fall off St Pauls? Send us your videos!

Prince Harry....cannibal? Pakistani bloke....fake (Reconstruction)

Harry to eat 'paki' comrade In a startling change of plan last night, BuckinghamPalace dismissed reports that Prince Harry will eat with the army pal he called a Paki. "We're not quite sure how the misunderstanding occurred, but the statement was issued with a with whereas it should've been without a with" said Royal courtier Sir George Galloway. But Windsor insiders later dismissed the statement as a hoax. "There's no way my grandson would eat a bliddy nig-nog" said our informant. Have you ever eaten someone? Tell us your story!

panda condemns israeli invasion of palestine The New China News Agency has released footage of a sensational interview with male Panda 'Hamas', during which the protected animal appears to suggest that the world 'is pandering to Israeli imperialism and should be shot, except for the free citizens of the Chinese People's Republic'. panda pun - funny, daft or just crap? vote now!

CAMERON VOWS TO BAIL OUT C of E Cameron vow....tangled Conservative leader David Cameron promised to ensure the C of E's survival today, but in doing so his fingers became the subject of a minor operation in A & E. Sources close to the Young Etonian later declared that Cameron was suffering from indecisive fingers which were unable to choose between genuflecting up front while being crossed behind. have you ever been to church? Have Your say!

 

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in brief

Giant worms jailed after £1.7M Lowry raid

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twittering threat sows terror in sicily

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nine held after grandma hits robber with iran

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migrant kerbs rise three inches in ten years

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apple launches new pocket obesity danger

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fed pumps $1.2 trillion into fritzl

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narcissistic pupils in narcissistic spelling chaos

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pope 'may be fuzzy not scaley'

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blair legacy still at large after daring escape plan

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firefighters tackle city bonus blaze

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madoff accountant 'taken by witch-doctors'

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regulator orders clegg to sell cable

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unemployment soars as thirty men chase each lord mandelson

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dying bees rapped over failing hospitals

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free gym classesfor smear-test cult

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new nationaltorture strategy to tackle serious fraud

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welsh top-up sheep scrapped in rural shake-up

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balls hails big drop in teacher-rape rituals

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armed chimps on half-rations 'not a priority' says reithner

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esso to launch vegetarian petrol in face of buddhist car-surge

 

religious news Pontiff tells flock: 'Condoms reduce fertility' Rubbers....spoil the fun Pope Pius XXXXVIII(2) warned Catholics everywhere yesterday that sheaths will reduce the number of babies women can have. "All the research conducted by our Vatican scientists proves this beyond doubt" said God's messenger on Earth "the grey stuff coming out of your husband's willy is the key to it all". But hardliners throughout the Church were dismayed by the Pontiff's outburst. "I think it's a terrible thing to let this cat out of the bag" said one "It removes all the Holy Mystery of why there are so bloody many of us". where do babies come from? Have Your Say anglicans come out in favour of freezing licence fees Embryonic fees...multiplying After centuries of debate, reformers in the Anglican Church have come out strongly in favour of freezing BBC licence fees. "If this means they can be used again for the benefit of mankind, then so be it and yo Dude!" said Under Tens Vicars Against Rules leader Seb Whiskers. This weekend, the Archbishop of Camperbury will deliver a sermon arguing that Jesus would have been in favour of frozen fees. He will deliver it to 38, Muslim Crescent, Upper Verger, Dangleberry muslim council offers vision of moderate islam Council...men dressed as women In another attempt to distance itself from Islamism, the group representing UK Islamics confirmed this morning that it would have no truck with all the bombing, hate-preacher and beheading nonsense. Said senior Muslim cleric Ah'bin ThinkuH'abotit, "Any stonings will take place with a senior HSE executive present, and those who leave Islam will be slaughtered according to strict Halal rules". Ecumenical groups hailed the announcement as a signpost on the road-map to peaceful coexistence, but Islamists later refuted the statement as 'the obvious posturings of infidel lackeys whozzzzzzzz beheading: right or wrong? Vote now!

fritzl backs sir freddie's pension claim Sir Freddie...'it's this big' _________________________________ Calls serial banker 'victim of target culture' Disgraced Austrian family-murderer-to-inseminator Josef Fritzl came out in support of Sir Freddie Goodwin last night, arguing that his desire to have everything paid for by shareholders and taxpayers suggested 'a man after my own heart, in that he followed his instincts and went his own way.' Adding that to his knowledge, Sir Freddie had not raped any children or kept anyone in a cellar for any length of time, Herr Fritzl expressed his opinion that 'this man is just like me in that none of his neighbours saw anything unusual in his party-animal behaviour at the time, but he became engulfed by the target culture which drove him to screw everyone all at the same time'. RAPING BANKERS: IS IT JUSTIFIED? Have Your Say met launches dawn raid on scrubbs Two hundred members of the Metropolitan Police Dangerous Chummy Unit were involved in a dawn raid on Wormwood Scrubbs in the early hours of this morning. The aim was to find and arrest a male in his early fifties suspected of involvement in the mass break-in which rocked jail officials last week. The man was later named as Ali Bin D'arling, sought by police forces throughout the City for terrorist attacks upon pensions, houses and jobs in support of his master Al B'ankieda. Asked why D'arling had sought refuge in a notorious jail, Serious Fraud Squad Inspector L. O. Squire-Yurnicked commented, "Ali has told many of his confidantes of late that he'd rather be doing bird in the Scrubbs than live next door any more to the infamous Go'don Hezbrownlah". quantitative easing - what the fuck is that all about? Have Your Say giant extinct sea monster will oversee banks under cameron Ocean-going ghastly thing....set to take over from FSA In an agenda-setting speech this afternoon, David Cameron outlined his plans to appoint ruthless underwater dinosaur Reginald Maudling to bite the head off any other jumped-up banking oiks who might choose to rock the boat and thus force his Party to distance itself from its only known means of support. "Although Reggie has been dead for over thirty years" the Tory leader declared, "I feel that this period in the wilderness has sharpened his resolve to tell the City to for fuck's sake stop dicking around and spoiling it for the rest of us". IS KEN CLARKE A FAT OLD FAG SALESMAN OR WHAT? Have Your Say

 

 

twenty-a-side international wrestling faces funding crisis Lack of sponsors as game's leaders meet to ponder next move Americans go to China by mistake Officials in the Pointless International Wrestling Federation were tight-lipped this morning about rumours that all the money for the next 3428 years has been spent. "The sport is losing fans at a frightening rate" said enigmatic leader Alistair Darning, "I think perhaps but don't quote me on this we need to get some action back into the bouts and stop fucking about". Asked why there were so few decisions after big bouts, German finance minister Uwe Krupp said "Zere iss no referee und ve don't know vot ve are dooink". G2O, 12 OR 8? Have Your Say royal shocker as queen spills onto £60,000 carpet Queen....jiggling about Yet another £60,000 of taxpayers' money went up the Swannee yesterday as the Queen danced the Wahtutsi following Sunday lunch. "To be frank, Squire" said a courtier "They'd all 'ad a skinful, an' the next fing yer know, there's Queen all over the carpet". "Fer Christ's sake get up, yer bliddy silly woman, we had eniff of that ninsense with yer sister"

AFRICAN SLOWDOWN BRINGS SIGHS OF RELIEF IN INDIA (Reconstruction) "They were heading straight for us" claims Indian PM Panic was dying down in India last night as Africa's drift towards the country slowed to a near-halt after hitting Madagascar. Shoe-in President Jacob Zuma told his devoted subjects, "There is a most large and suspicious chain attached to the East Coast an' we thinkin' China maybe tryin' to reel us in". do you give a shit about madagascar? Vote now! average height 'too high' say heads feet demand lower weights in mass walkout In a further sign that nobody can tell their arse from their elbow, head of bodies throughout Britain insisted that Heads are too high up and should be demoted. "Heads are overrated" said Barack Rume-Loyeur, "whereas feet are taking all the strain thanks to this epidemic of obesity. What we need is a knees-up". fingers or toes? Have Your Say beast strikes as mothers demand minimum price for child sex As four million screaming fishwives responded to the Braille's campaign to have all Catholic priests circumcised, The Beast of Ballymena struck again yesterday, setting fire to his own eardrums. Apology We meant publicly neutered, not circumcised, and regret any offence caused

news in brief paedophile iraqui footballer shot dead by madagascar president __________________ israeli police fans ignore pakistan opposition leader __________________ resurgent england plans for minimum alcohol questioning in murder cases __________________ bullet-proof clothes chase shark as celtic beat addiction __________________ labour's poll chief 'pricier than ritz' __________________ health gap drives wasted money to G20 summit __________________ william wallace alerts to be extended to scottish banking __________________ majority cool on brown sex warning __________________ nasa treasury scheme to be extended __________________ barclays launched in afghan blast __________________ child soldiers want iraq inquiry delay ___________________ pet shop boys reinstate night-shift highlights ___________________ news in pictures     fritzl 'too busy studying to plead' claims brief ANIMAL RIGHTS INK PROTESTER STRIKES AGAIN

 

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REAL IRA CRASH OUT OF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Green v Orange...bollocks real ira 0 ulster united 56 (After eighty years)

bad-boy giant killers crushed by irish teamwork European enfants terribles Real IRA were sensationally knocked out of the Champions League last night following a unique home and away double by Ulster United. Watching the game from his dugout, coach Wilf McGuinness declared himself satisfied that "Real are not the force they were, and once our lads scored eighteen goals away from home last weekend, I was confident we would piss all

over them in the home tie at Stormont" In a separate statement, Chairman Tony Adams once again emphasised that the Club's owners Sporting Club Unionist Sinn Fein "are committed to putting a couple of bad performances behind us, and going forward to the next round". other results last night Inter Berlusconi $400,ooo Mills Albion 10 years Olympiakos 4 FC Borassic Jowell 0 Irving Berlin 3 Chicken Kiev 2 Putinvision 6 Georgia 0

madoff 'will be 220 when he gets out' says carol vorderman Vivacious Tory maths Tsarina Carol Barbiegirl, 42.5103, announced yesterday that Bernie Madoff will, if convicted, be 220 years old on his release. "I worked it all out in my head" she told gaping newsmen. Which do you prefer - head or tits? VOTE NOW

Chippendales to rebrand as IKEA Tired of their niche reputation as rather chintzy examples of elegant 18th century furniture, The Chippendales are to relaunch and rebrand as a raunchy but still entirely wooden sex-group, IKEA. Said lead artiste David Pecksham, "We need to be a bit more adventurous. Most of the women who saw us in our Duchess of Devonshire Hen Party heyday died over a hundred and forty years ago, and the new generation wanted something a bit more contemporary." The new act will ditch the strip format, but instead invite the largely female audience to assemble them. "Everyone gets a dowel, two screws too few, and the wrong type of hammer before we go on" claimed veteran Chippy Brad Crotch, "So far, some of the final shapes achieved have been amazing, but to date nobody has actually put together what we are, a balsa-wood Junkers Ju 88b dive-bomber cocktail cabinet". An IKEA spokesman said, "We are oy yes tinking how very hopp-de-hoop-hip-hop these grooving Chippingsvale peoples are, and even although many nations are somehowthing tinking we are no sense of humour have, here is an exampling of how we let ad agencies making uninhibited commercials and then are banning them: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8I5BGs   should silly old bags sit on chippendales? Have Your Say. Be as rude and irrelevant as you like

government prepares for big leap in anti-depressant usage _________ PM already on 2000 mgs of Prozac an hour __________ Treasury officials let known their concern last night at what they foresee as the spiralling cost of medicating Prime Minister Gordon Down once the current economic crisis turns entirely to shit. "He's already half the NHS budget for happy pills on his own" said a Treasury insider, "and what with this and Tessa's bong thing plus Jacqui's crack habit not to mention Alistair's tippling I mean I really shouldn't....." bong or booze? Have Your say

advertisement Today's modern policeman has a silly beard and cries when you take the piss Yes, Mahmood Dixonjarni is living, blubbing proof that today's copper can get in touch with his feelings and make a killing suing the Met for laughing at his eccentric hair-extensions. If you too are soft, blind and trigger-happy, there's a career for you in Boris's Barmy Army. * Shoot anyone you like and get away with it. * Shoot anyone you don't like and get away with it. coppers - bent or what? Have Your Say

Formula One to sponsor RBS F1 racing fuhrer Max Mosley confirmed today that motor racing has clinched a deal to sponsor RBS. "I've made millions from motor racing and suing people" said the son of infamous jackboot-polisher Sir Oswald, "So I'd like to move into the billions league. We at F1 think any business where people give you free money is our kind of show". S&M : what's the & about? VOTE NOW

Crocuses...green shoots or white elephants? This is Tiggy. Tiggy says please bet the farm on quantitative easing, or my cruel owner will sell me for glue and put my auntie Foxie into a care home run by bestial monks.

march 'has bottomed out' claims buffet Holding a delightful bunch of white and egg-yolk crocuses as evidence of his astonishing claim, famed never-wrong investment guru Barren Buffer told City analysts this morning that April futures look so good, they're already here. "April days are hard to find right now" said Wally, "but those clever enough to be feeding bottoms are making hay while it rains. Also May will be here way ahead of schedule". galloway quest: new picture George Gorrawaywithit asks for middle and leg as enthusiastic supporters engage him in a good-natured game of Stoneball Cricket during a triumphal progression through Egypt. "I love all Arabs" he told our reporter, "Especially the way they show their love for me by passing over lots of untraceable money and donating shoes to my noble cause." While in the Middle East, Gorging George will pay his respects to the fallen of Iraq. "It's a whistle-stop tour" he admitted, "Twenty-three Saddam statues in ten days." The Foreign Office advised British people visiting the area to shoot Mr Galleyslave on sight Galloway: scallywag or scumbag? Have Your Say

 

 

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Government Announcement

spend! spend! spend!

It is your patriotic duty to bash the plastic and buy utterly frivolous items until the bailiffs are at your door because this and only this will guarantee our recovery from a situation in which it all went tits-up after

spend! spend! spend!

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Hand-crafted Arty Farty British Not Very Interesting Films presents

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PS

Friends and acquaintances continue to wonder why I hurl 'idiot' insults at the Prime Minister - wouldn't it be funnier, they argue, if you just pointed out what he's doing wrong?

Well no, actually, it wouldn't - that's what the mainstream media are for. But anyway, let me offer an example of what I mean by 'idiot' in relation to Cyclops.

Gordon the Mad is asking for two things at the moment: governments not to fall back on protectionism, and a worldwide cap on banking salaries and bonuses.

Neither will happen, because they never happen. They never happen because we are an appetitive, tribal species with an overactive ego. Everyone who isn't an idiot aged over thirty knows this - it's Page One stuff. But Gordon doesn't get it, because he is that most frustrating of all folks, the arrogant naif. And every arrogant naif in the world is an idiot.

 

 

quantitative easing: world follows obama/brown lead

Prezz calls for 24/7 back-to-back pooing President Odrama today pledged to 'clear out the shit' in his toxic sytem, promising that this was not something he was going sit on. "We simply godda flush it all out" said the President, adding "We'all sick o' them bankers doin' shit - time's come ter do some shit of our own." Is this the Turd way? Have Your Say

PM claims he is man for big job World Superhero Gordoman finally admitted today that he was full of shit and determined to do whatever it takes to get things moving again. "I won't stand for any more shits" the Prime Minister insisted. Should Brown be dumped? Have Your Say

'Time to get on pot' says santa "We all godda do our bit" said Father Christmas, "And 'till this blockage crisis is fixed, any pot is fair game until we godda get off the pot."

'whole country to take strain' - congress "We done heard all this crap before" said Elmer Trash (left) yesterday, "Why sheeeyit, ah bin shittin' bricks since the day this whole crock-a-shit started."

hse launches campaign to give warnings and shit Health & Safety Executive officers dealt an early blow to the global easing strategy last night as they warned of all the germs, smells, slimey stuff and other shit that would be involved. Said chief shit-stirrer Doobie Careful, "We can't simply have doo-doo everywhere, I mean what's zzzzzzz"

"What the fuck is all this shit?" demand Opposition Parties Vague (l) and Hoppersworth: asking questions On both sides of the Atlantic last night, out-of-office politicians ran out of patience and words to say apart from "Holy Shit, are you nuts?" (USA) and "Eyayarrghhh, well-ah, Shit in, shit out, aah Eddie Waringgaga" (UK).	BANKERS CONTINUE TO HOLD ON TO WHAT THEY'VE GOT "Shit happens - but not to us" insists Daniels Daniels....constipation victim Smiley-happy-tough guy Lloyds CEO Erica Spaniel insisted today that the fact he and his mates had caused the shit to hit the fan was tough shit. "The first time Darling rang me about a deal, he said I had to cope with H-Bombs" quipped the sleazy obese git, "I shat myself. Then I realised he'd said HBOS, and I had a heart-attack" But in an unrelated incident this afternoon, gangs of incensed pensioners invaded the City of London, grabbing anyone wearing a pin-stripe suit at random and ramming their heads down the john. "We're sick of pin-stripe suits being random" said one, "so we thought we'd rub their faces in the shit". Goodwin - excellent or excrement? Have Your Say	crisis deepens as brown admits: 'I've only got four days of gas left'. MPs on all sides of the House were aghast today as whizzy-gassy Prime Minister Gormless Brown informed them that his gas supply was at an all-time low. "I've been selling you all shit for years" he said without apologising, "But all along I believed it was the right thing to do. However, now I've only got hot air left, and supplies are running low". Two farts with but a single aim
darling makes it clear: 'we're busting a gut to go for shit or bust or else we'll be in the shit and bust and gordon should say sorry but he hasn't got the guts' Salvador Darling This story isn't going anywhere, really. Think of it as just another gratuitous attempt to make Starling look and sound clueless while fitting in with the shit theme. Darling: horseshit or horse sense? Have Your Say	elephant in room goes to bathroom Smelly the Hefadump Cabinet Office millionaires were on full alert last night after somebody noticed there was an elephant in the room taking a shit. "What with all the lowering of rates and bankrupting of investors and bailing out of sedan-chair manufacturers of vital national interest and printing inflation which let's face it would be much better than deflation and giving away money to banks who then lose it" said an insider after taking a deep breath, "It's no wonder we didn't notice the Elephant. But the dung was, phowwarrr, horrible. It's an Indian elephant though, I can tell you that - it has the small ears. Harriet has been pestering me all day to find out if it's a stupid bull elephant or a victimised she-elephant in need of affirmative action. Personally I don't give a shit."	OBESE ALBATROSS FULL OF SHIT DUMPS ON MANDLEBUM Lord Fondlebum of Joy got crapped on from a great height yesterday morning when the rare American albatross Geeminence Vauxhallus got rid of toxic shit by giving him both bowels. He was taken to hospital where he begged for the albatross to be allowed to live and be given the freedom to poo naturally all over unsuspecting and already mired taxpayers. "We really must let the market decide loves" he said mysteriously, adding "I think if we apply the heavy hand of regulation to our high-fliers, then who knows what might happen to British jobbies. It's shit or get off the pot darling, and that's all there is to it". IS MANDY A BANDIT? Have Your Say

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King Cong's address in full

"Friends, Americans, women, babies, dogs....three score years and the shining city on a hill bears witness to our unshakeably not stirred special relationship partnership thing solidly together not apart and never able to be pulled apart and we thank God for that because boy am I in the shit. Suffer little children to be educated and black children to be cured and without whom I would have nothing to give but a bit of old wood from some bloody slave ship somewhere, so arise Sir Ted Chappaquiddick Kennedy Kennedy Kennedy magic Camelot. Growing up as a snotty Jock Leftie violently opposed to everything you bastards were doing but you showed us the way to the Moon and back, and the stars (instead of being twinkly things) turned out to be something worth special hope of shared values and a long history of Ronnie giving it to the Soviets where they don't like it and down came that Wall brick by brick and we have only you God Bless America to thank for this even though I voted against Cruise missiles from start to finish.

For we in tiny little England (well actually there's also Scotland as well but we Scots prefer to ruin England while being a pain in the arse about the English) have only the irrepressible, unbeatable, impregnable, nothing is impossible United States to thank for the fact that row upon row of graves lie in France our European but entirely fucking ungrateful EU partner and because of your sacrifice valour bravery devotion side by side fallen dead thank you thank you thank you and just one extra thank you for the pot, because to be blunt here guys our pot is empty, in fact to be even more precise we don't have a pot to piss in and without you people yelling and screaming for me to save the World while you lot as usual save us from daft overspending and sucking up to the same bankers that I know my new best friend Barry hates with all the passion that I share with him and he with me please let me have his babies.

So I say to you seize the day, take it by the scruff of the neck some chicken some neck haha blood brothers, band of brothers, inseparable Anglo-Saxon twins with but one ideal while being entirely faithful to the ethic of the EU which is of course to take over from you as the supreme World Currency and enjoy your decline because we always hated you really for your bloody check jackets and silly half-mast trousers and big cars and also you sods started this whole thing with your crap sub-prime mortgage shit that just got worse and worse I mean for God's sake what were you thinking?

So the long and short of it is, you owe us big-time. I mean - that Lend Lease crap was bad enough, OK fine you bailed us out twice but you certainly got your pound of flesh, bloody typical, just what I'd expect from the Yan......preserve the Earth environment save the Earth no protectionism oh no and together, close, personal, real, kisses, Marquis de Lafayette we the People last line of defence against, um, other richer people not that I've got anything against rich people well at least not since I realised there was no fucking way to get elected dealing that kind of shit and anyway as I was saying, there is no old Europe or new Europe any more, there is only a fucking desperate Europe and quite frankly Jimmy, we'd say anything to get your help with our busted flush economy and hopelessly split and selfish EU thingy.

We have so much in common we Europeans separated by mere geopolitical interests, culture, twenty-four languages and six thousand miles of useless water from you Americans and even though we've burnt loads of your flags haha only kidding over the years, for instance we are as one on stuff like the only good banker is a dead banker and the last thing we want is a nationalised banker because we are sensitive to how much you actually hugely nationalised people are sensitive to the nationalisation thing although that's meat and drink to me, I have been forced to think anew and what I've thought is the game's up unless I witter on about one family reaching for the same stars as your lovely lovely Kennedy Camelot shining example because in the New Frontier of New Labour there are no frontiers if you see what I mean and for Jesus sake who wrote this rubbish?

And so I say unto you, let us plant trees that we will never see and chuck money at bankers we cannot catch and chuck verbal missiles at Iran until such time as the Israelis do the job for us. But in the meantime, you o Lovely America offer insurrections in the name of human imagination and impossible endeavour because believe you me suckers, this sure as shit is Mission Impossible.

 

 

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Oink! Oink! Yes, every day is Red Snout Day for the bankers,so don't forget to give generously.

Three ways to pay! By bank charges, double-charging, depositing at -5%, or bailout....and remember - like the poor. bankers will always want YOUR money...so pledge what you can!

 

 

...and this week's anonymous star donor is...

..seen here handing over a cheque to grateful banker Mungo Grunt

 

 

 

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brown washington speech triumph: market responds

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From the moment he was born at the age of 93, Benjamin Brown's advanced dementia told him that he hated America and wanted to build a Socialist Britain. But by the time he declined to 60, Benjamin found those sexy Yankee-Bankers pushing his Buttons - and he was lost.

co-starring

tess jowells

as the woman who couldn't remember her husband

jacqui stiff

as the woman who couldn't remember being told anything about raids without warrants

and introducing

hattie harpoon

as Tugboat Queenie - the woman who couldn't think of anything except wimmin

A new labour - fondlebum - don't talk us down - hand relief production

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fondlebum smeared by rabid custaRD

Minister for Funny Business bowled over by positive response to his plans

IS CUSTARD HOMOPHOBIC? IS MANDY A SILLY OLD QUEEN?

Have your Say

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a-level mathematics: module 3 - money

A bank is going bust owing several billion pounds. 40,000 investors with average savings of £10,000 are at risk and 69.7% of them are Labour voters. There are also 3000 jobs at stake, all in Labour constituencies. If a year later the bank loses £1.4 billion, how much should it cost to buy this bank?

a. £2 billion

b. £4 billion

c. £80 billion

What would be the cost of letting the bank go bankrupt and reimbursing the investors?

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a-level economics:

module 1 - fuck-ups

There has been an economic and financial fuck-up. It is a global fuck-up so bad that everyone is fucked.

A man works 24 hours a day for a year to unfuck things in one country with 2% of global GDP. The economy is worth x.

A second man works half an hour a day for six months to unfuck things, having spent the previous six months thinking about whether things are all fucked up or just fucking dandy. His economy is 28% of global GDP, and thus worth 14x.

If the second man's advisors estimate it will cost $800 billion to stop his economy getting even more fucked up, how much should it cost to slow down the rate of fuckedupness in the first man's economy?

a. $60 billion

b. The same

c. $1.9 trillion

(Students are advised to think carefully before answering this 'trick' question. You should apply the rule of opposite incoherence wherever possible, and bear in mind that both men caused the fuckup in the first place)

 

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yes, i pissed in fat duck food admits c-word ramsarse

Streak of piss....caught on camera

Fucking Gordon fucking Ramshit fucking hell what a fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfufckfcukfuckinghuntfuchfuckfuckfuc Fucking Gordon fucking Ramshit fucking hell what a fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfufckfcukfuckinghuntfuchfuckfuckfucFucking Gordon fucking Ramshit fucking hell what a fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfufckfcukfuckinghuntfuchfuckfuckfucFucking Gordon fucking Ramshit fucking hell what a fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfufckfcukfuckinghuntfuchfuckfuckfuckinghell mcdonalds to buy waterside inn - p.54

Neddy Badloss sentence....'harsh but fair' says Tessa Jowell the beak speaks out

GOODWIN TO BE EATEN BY PIRHANA FISH VOWS HARMAN Fairness Tsarina's amazing pledge

In what many are seeing as a subtle repositioning of herself as the natural leader of a New Green-Labour alliance, Deputy Witchfinder Genderful Harridan Harpymad today told an emergency meeting of the Bathroom Cabinet that Sir Freddie Goodwin will face death by Pirhana nibbling unless he changes sex immediately and if he feels like it, you know, gives the thirty-seven million quid back although that's not really the point. "He may wish to hide behind a mysoginist bunch of short-trousered judges as a way of getting out of this" said Harmful, "But we will get him in the toilets later - you just see if we don't. He may be able to resort to the law, but we in this great movement of ours will do whatever it takes to let justice take its course in the Court of King Caractacus or some other such thing. Otherwise it just won't be fair I mean anyone can see that, even smelly men".

FEMALE VIOLENCE 'HAS TREBLED UNDER NEW LABOUR' SAYS MET REPORT Triads 'at centre of problem' says Smith
(l to r)...Hateful Beers, Mad-Hat Harmful, and gangster's Moll Jessie Fowl	In a frank admission of serious problems ahead, Home Office dominatrix Lady Jacqueline Spliff- Reeffer warned that Britain is under threat from 'dangerous wimmin triads' who will stop at nothing.		Home Sec gets tough: "It's time to crack down on this threat to our culture, and my job"

The Home Secretary is asking Parliament to rush through new laws to stop the advance of deadly triads threatening the stability, sanity, likeability, probability and electability of the Home Secretary. "This is not a matter of petty politics" she told the Commons yesterday, "but rather the very survival of my life as I know it. We must all pull together and stop this ruthless coven from stopping me from stopping them and then trying to stop each other so we can stand four-square behind our Leader, even if just for a short time, so that in the unlikely event he gets slaughtered in 2010, somebody good enough can take over, for example me."

MAD-HAT UNDER SUSPICION FOR DEMANDING MONEY WITH MENACES - See below

 

Market saved by Great White shark bite The tooth-marks were still clearly visible on ADVFN charts after an enormous Great White shark struck again yesterday - just as the market was about to plunge to zero. Claude Muppet of BCN consulting said "It looks like we have at last reached the bottom, why I was onlyzzzzzzz harari stock exchange at -23,981	official: unhappy children cry more Controversial new research from the Brick Lane Children's Society Lesbian Centre has demonstrated a strong causal link between kids who bawl their heads off, and being unhappy enough to bawl their heads off about something or other. RESULTS IN FULL, P. 83	new tensions as israel faces high-levl envoy bombardment
		American terrorista Hillary Clinton upped the Middle East ante today by breaking the diplomatic ceasefire, and bombarding the new Israeli government with long and short range high-level envoys. Several volleys of the Martyn Indyk peace-seeking missile landed on majority leader Benjamin Netanyahu, but the Israelis showed no signs of retaliation. Later Ms Clinton, the former bitter and twisted Wannabe Presidential Nominee, evened things up by despatching two other envoy missions to Syria. This assault used the Swing-wing Shapiro bomber alongside a rewired loose-cannon Feltman medium range Smug multiple-fuckup Missile. But despite this door-opening approach, Mrs Betty Hamas of Room 16 The Schoolhouse commented "We are not impressed by this Satanic performance by the She-Devil courier of global violence, and reject completely all the war-mongering Christians and their Zionist conspirators". So then: result.	Clinton....nuts Betty Hamas...very nuts

 

 

us goes mad for brown rapturous red carpet reception for world saviour

STATE VISIT SPECIAL All-action global hero Gordon 'Northern Rockies' Brown was accorded the full diplomatic works when he landed at Tallahassee suburban air-hub Leatherneck Field at 4am local time today. RAF1 was given special unfettered clearance to land, a special nine-candlepower landing strip having been laid on in the Prime Minister's honour. As he emerged to walk towards his personal four-wheeler motorcade, Mr Brown saw nine coloured ticker-tapes fluttering down and kept them as souvenirs of the Extra-Double-with-Whipped-Cream Special Relationship enjoyed between the USA and Britain. After a short nine-hour journey to the Capital, the PM held a three-minute one-to-one-nobody-else-involved intimate in-depth meeting with President Odrama followed by a two-sandwich lunch with fries on the side but hold the mayo harumph-harumph, I'm watching my weight hahahahaha. After the historic encounter (the first between any European leader and a full-DNA Homo sapiens White House occupant for eight years) Mr Brown's staff told a multiply-attended press conference that he had enjoyed a wide-ranging discussion with the new President on the choice of printing presses available to them, and had presented him with a piece of old wood from recently scrapped vessel HMS New Labour. Tomorrow, the Prime Minister will address some postcards home. Such a privilege is only rarely offered to Foreign leaders when the Americans want something, for example an ally. But White House special spam doctor Ed Kowalberg told nby this evening "Frankly nobody gives a shit here about some Commie fuck who needs the votes".

 

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Straw...has landed role as Harry Lime in ITV's new peak-hour drama. He is currently playing the lead in the French farce L'Eminence Grise, the story of an unprincipled NUS leader who finds God but decides on balance he prefers power

straw uproar furore 'a bore for core poor' Renowned for his perfectly enunciated vowel syndrome, actor-manager Sir Jonty 'Jack' Straw wound up his evidence to the House of Commons last week by saying that "the furore uproar was a bore" as far as the core poor were concerned. "Look luvvies and sweeties" he added, "We mustn't confuse a little sideshow involving a rabble of dusky gyppoes with the main event here. I mean, we don't have an Empire any more, just the Empire Barnsley and let me tell you they still talk about my Othello up there. Oh dear me no, we have to do something about the poor in our country, left destitute by the....by the...." At this point, Sir Jack dried and should have been prompted by Lord Chief Justice Trousers, but he had nodded off. "Who cares about this accountability thing?" busked Strawb, "When there are people left poor by the, um, actions of an, um, er........"

Manglesum... denies categorically that there is anything else up there we do not as yet know about, but asks for fifty-five previous scams to be taken into account just in case they come to light

FONDLEBUM IN GIANT HAEMORRHOID SHOCKER Despite heated denials from the Business Ministry, the tell-tale signs are there in our candid shot (left) of Lord Maninbum of Boy as he winced along Downing Street yesterday. Just how the giant piles got to this size remains unclear, but under computer enhancement they bear a strong resemblance to Mr Roland Rat, the PR in charge of BAA runways. HOW YOU VOTED Our exclusive NBY poll of Poles shows without any shadow of doubt that some people have doubts about why Lord Malibudibumbum gave permission for 27 new landing strips at Heathrow. 43% of respondents said they wouldn't trust Lord Fiddlesum as far as they could throw him 27% of respondents said they thought he shouldn't be legalised 19% felt he should find a wife 10% said they liked his concertos very much

 

revealed: how post office leader went to skegness while postman pats faceD starvation There were questions in the House this afternoon following sensational tabloid revelations of Adam Crozier's life of ease in a Skegness bedsit. Mrs Beryl O'Biere (SNP) asked "Could the Secretary of State for the posting stuff business please explain why a man whose bonus last year was £3 trillion goes to somewhere shit like Skegness for his holidays?" Replying for the Government, Ms Siobhan McConnell said "Because he is a tight proddy Jock who doesn't know any better I mean get real, this is the bloke who hired Sven Borring-Evryman".		Ten days community service for man who nuked Tel Aviv T'Uxedo...lenient Lawyers working on behalf of President Badmade T'Uxedo of Iran tonight called the sentence passed on him 'victimisation'. "Where once there was a nest of infidel viper Jews, there is now a shiny irradiated pancake of no use to anyone" said defence counsel Yissmassa dun Loadin, "and we thank Allah for this result". Then everyone fired guns in the air and left. Arabs - are they crap? Have Your Say	CAMBRIDGE DON 'TURNED DOWN ROAD-SWEEPER' Shock new report shows Universities still being thickist Sweeper...brushed under carpet University authorities were back-pedalling in sixth gear last night after New Labour Fairness Chief Harridan Harpy-Pantes revealed how Classical Greek History scholar Dinsdale Lether-Patche had turned down Honda Model XX-49/RS for a place at Queers Collagen, Cambridge on the grounds of it being a machine for sweeping roads. "This is unacceptably machinist" said Muzz Harpic-Tinne, "and will send out the wrong signals to any machine with aspirations to break through the glass ceiling". Cold fusion - yes or no? Have Your Say
Postmen...taking piss	Do you have a postman near you? What does he think about that silly old Queen Fondlebum arsing about with our postal service? Send us your multimedia texts now - and while you're at it, write the article too.

 

 

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DARLING DENIES TORTURING TOP BANKER Behind the winning smile that won the hearts of a nation, Chancellor Salvador Darling was a sadistic torturer who carried this box of pain-tools with him at all times - alleged destitute banker Eric Daniels yesterday.		Outrage as Jowell pockets 5p pension haul Mrs Towels....complete idiot Former booze Tsarina Jessie Trowell was at the centre of a storm last night after the DSS confirmed that she will get 5p a year for life as a part of her severance package. Other details in the deal include severing Mrs Jowells from anything to do with her bent creep of a husband, and surrendering any semblance of control over the 2012 Olympics budget. Said Conservative naughty pension shadow Ainsley Hemp, "This is totally unaceptable. The money should be clawed back from this silly bint and given to small business being starved under Labour's zzzzz Olympic Games: up or down? Have Your Say	Lump....confusion FAT GENE MYSTERY SOLVED BY SCIENTISTS Scientists in Ohio have at last identified why Gene Lump of Chicago is enormously fat. Speaking last night from Idaho, Professor Henry Badlands IV told nby science correspondent Dietrich von Ausland, "He eats too much." The Professor also added that there were one fuck of a lot of US towns ending in o, and it was a bummer of a drive to Ohio from just about anywhere. "I think Gene's problem is living in Ohio. There's nothing to do except eat, get on scales and break other folks' furniture". Mr Lump himself concurred with the medical view. "These honkey do-gooders is jess fullashit about syndromes an fattism an' shit. I eats too much an' thurr's an end ter it man. Sheeeit, muddafucka" do pork scratchings give you a fat arse? Have Your Say
Daniels....victim Badloss... quick to support Daniels "They moved my eyes closer together" says former RBS wanker	"I have been unable to stop smiling thanks to his ghastly experiments on me" said Daniels, "Which included giving me eighty billion quid and forcing me to take over that crock of shit in Halifax". But addressing the Commons later, Mr Starving denied any complicity in torture. "The British Government never gets involved in torturing people much" he confirmed. FREDDIE GOODWIN ATE MY SAVINGS - Amazing Claim

 

 

 

 

 

British jobs for British workers >>>>

But no protectionism >>>>

Global solutions >>>>

But curbs on skilled foreigners >>>>

...........?

slumdog millionaire scoops all prizes

Speaker-Wallah Meek Mah'tin has scooped all the top prizes in the annual Westminster Academy Awards. As exclusively predicted by everyone, his fictional account of life in the face of police brutality, Linin' ma pookets, won Best Scam, Greatest Nerve, Greatest Acting Performance in an Unsupportive Role, Best Costumes, Most Expensive Decor, Best Make-Up Line, and the coveted Most Comprehensive Ripoff Award. Said Meek himself afterwards, "Och, I only did what any Gorbals crook might have done given half a chance".

Advertisement THREE FOR TWO ON SELF-FOLDING DECKCHAIRS AND ODD SHOES Mullinsgate Market, SW1

darling bails himself out

(Reconstruction)

Ignoring calls by the Opposition for means testing to be applied, Chancellor Alistair Darling bailed himself out this morning via the specially created The Game's Up I Want to Bale Out Act (2009) Ltd. "I simply would not have been able to sleep at nights if I hadn't done whatever it takes to lift myself out of poverty" he told Sun blogs correspondent Janet Brayne-Dedde, "but I feel a lot better now, and can once more walk about with an independent air because I'm the man who broke the Bank of Monty Python". Mr Darling will now focus the business on its core skills of bending statistics. (Reuters, Mars) SCANDAL OF BLAIR, FATHER AT 49 - p 7

But hopes fading for 'old dinosaur' Brown Lord Fondlebum of Boy told the Serious Fraud Office last night that he would 'under no circumstances' bail out Brownspin plc, which he said had been badly run and leaking noxious substances for many years. Later the SFO issued a statement clearing Lord Fondlebum of insider bottom feeding.

irving to write brown biography

Man who argued that Mugabe was a World Saviour and unsung saint to pen new book on Scottish National Socialist Liberal Tory leader

Irving on Brown: "I'm sure knew nothing about anything".

Brown on coin: obviously arrogant Jock bastard

Best-selling controversial paranoid mad Nazi and alleged baby-pickler David Irving is to write a revisionist biography of his main hero after Adolf Hitler, the late Elizabethan British Emperor Gordon Bruno. Mr Irving has built his career on writing very thick books about ghastly people which short, old people can then use in libraries to reach things on the top shelf in kitchens, libraries and so forth. His most famous title to date, The Holocaust was just a big fat silly lie and everyone knows it sold five million copies in Iran and North Korea,

and minus thirty-six in Israel. In the biography, Irving will argue that Bruno Caesar didn't know anything about anything and was merely the masochistic sexual plaything of real villain Mark Anthony Blair. "It's quite clear" said Irving yesterday, "that Bruno was a seriously disabled victim of his own failure. There is no evidence on any paper anywhere about gold sales, licking bankers, bankrolling the Iraq adventure or any of the peace crimes of which he stands so unjustly acused".

Jade's death 'could last for weeks' says mournful Clifford

Clitford...'Goody,Goody'

Society victim PR Max Clithead wept bitterly last night as he told the world "Now that I've exhausted all the newspaper front pages about Jade's bravery, sorrow, laughter, wedding, nuptuals, tears, dysfunctional bloke and eighteen children, I think it behoves all of us to let this fine lady die with private dignity". But sources close to Mr Headroom said he had already awarded the exclusive funeral rights to Heat magazine. "Max feels that only Heat will treat the occasion with the level of dignity it deserves" said an insider, "and also

they offered a hundred K more than Hello." And OK editor Jenny Bynte added, "We intend to exploit this exciting growth sector with the launch of a new magazine, to be called Goodbye". However, Hello editress Woodie Gnome told nby this morning, "The marriage won't last - anyone can see that. And if they divorce before, you know, the box thing - well, we've got the world rights to that." BRITISH CULTURE 'IN FINE SHAPE' SAYS JOWELL - p.10

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kettle-pot outbreak rocks labour

In a damning indictment of MP sleaze, Home Typist Jacqui 'chuck away the key' Spliff told MPs they face 42 days of being sat on by John Prescott unless they make a clean breast of their allowance irregularities. Then she hurried off to a Commons investigation into Bedsitgate. INSIDE :SPLIFF 3-IN-CELL ROMP CLAIMS

Despite assurances from the Health & Safety Eecutive that Brown's Disease could not be passed on to humans, two senior Nude Labour commissars were showing clear signs of Kettluspotium Caledonica (Brown Kettle-Pot Syndrome) as we went to press. The disease - first discovered among the Prime Minister - presents with symptoms which include ascribing one's own crap behaviour to others, telling whoppers about everything from gold to poverty, seeing visions, an autistic obsession with reciting false numbers, and robotic bodily movements.

Exacting a calming influence upon closet colleagues, Lord Maninbum of Boy dodged the clouds hanging above his time as EU Rough Trade Minister before telling an audience of bewildered people in Washington that this was not the time to panic. The time to panic would be when all the Hungarian shit hits the fan and voters realise RBS has lent all the money to his Russian friends. Then he hurried off to bailout the ailing sedan chair sector.

Hopes were fading fast last night for serial bulimic John Prescott, who has vowed to engage in a quantitative easing vigil until he is no longer there any more at all. The vigil - a protest against greedy bankers - will continue, he says, until "these fat buggers know which side their bread's buttered". Even with half his head already gone, Prescott smiled courageously as he said "It woulda been better to start at the feet, like".

new ViagretteTM for the smaller lover Ten years old and still can't get it up? Let Viagrette solve your virginity maintenance problems. Enriched with ground rhino conk for that extra horn, Viagrette will have you deflowering every Lolita in the tenement or your pocket-money back.

King to buy bad money back from banks in order to persuade banks to lend good money already given to them by taxpayers to businesses being starved by banks having lent bad money to Russian nutters and oh fuck it I can't follow this any more, another double bartender and leave the bottle......

TOP PROPERTY GURU MISLAYS LOCATION OF MONEY The man who told Brits what money and houses are and how to get a survey done and borrow wonga off banks in order to spread the cost over 500 years has lost an enormous amount of money advising people on how to find a house and then get a survey done and then borrow silly wonga off banks over 500 years. Sources close to property God Phil Spectre told nby last night how "it all seems to have gone to his head, which is now sticking through what's left of his hair. To be honest with you, he's a bit of a twat" added Kirstie Allbitch anonymously. How smiley pillock fooled a Nation - Mad Haystacks, P 4

Blair bagman accuses Olympic chief Led away by the Consigliari this morning after being sentenced to a five-year crime awareness course, David Milles-Bombe lashed out at former partner JessieTowells and vowed to go straight from now on and it's a fair cop Signor Dixone I'll come quiet like....

How long have you got?

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SURF CRAZE GRIPS WORLD'S PILOTS

Airports face bleak future

Airline pilot associations throughout the world were in chaos havoc last night as more and more fly-boys took to the water in a bid to show they've got the Right Stuff. "It's costing the airlines a fortune in planes" said Senior Boeing VP Todd Gerschner, "Which is great for us and means one motherfucker of a bonus for me, but it's the airports we're worried about". Officials at Heathrow told nby staffers, "Landings are down 27% since the craze started. It's a nightmare for us. Also we worry about the passengers sometimes, too". O'Leary to switch all flights to sea landings Dismisses early test failures as 'teething troubles' Last Friday's gallant failure in the Irish Sea Launching his new service Ryditch at a Dublin press conference this morning, Aer Cunnilingus owner Michael O'Bleary said the days of airport landing fees were over, and passengers could thus expect a new era of even cheaper air travel. He told a packed media audience that the airline's first flight would be on the new English Channel to Venice route. "Floight 001 will land on the via aquaplane or whaddever and save Venice fans the fag of dat fuckun boring motor launch transfer" he enthused. Further new routes would offer fliers the convenience of a Thames to Volga flight-plan, a Don Laighore to the Rhine option, and also a bargain-basement service from Cork harbour to the new Olympic pool in East London. "Dey havunt quoite finished it yet" he confessed, "but these are just details - i's to be dotted and so fort". Near-success for Ryditch test pilot off Tahiti last week Small ditch hitch off Dogger Bank. "Oi tink next toime we'll use de skis" said O'Leary Recession 'will last a thousand years' says Balls Education Tsar's amazing blue funk In what many people are seeing as the beginnings of his door coming off its hinges, Education Minister Ed Noballs amazed his constituents last Friday by saying that everyone in Britain will be unemployed by 2013, most of us will die, and the remainder sold into slavery for the disgusting use of drug-fuelled Polish cannibals (Writes Paul Harfanacre) "Look" he told a select audience of supporters, "Get real: Darling's lying his wooden head off and as for Brown I mean blimey the bloke's off his chump". A spokesman for Mr Balls later told The Guardian that the minister had been secretly recorded out of context, but Prime Minister Gormless Frown was said to be livid. This followed a day of being ballistic about Nicolas Sarkozy, hacked off with Germans saying he was crap, and incandescent about Tony Blair getting to tongues with President Odrama before he did. have your say: vote now for percentages unemployed, dead and borassic by 2010

But BALPA shopsteward Eddie 'Rockjaw' Leatherneck hit out at the Health & Safety culture when he told a press conference, "These namby-pamby nannies are out to ruin everything, but we will carry on. Let's face it, air travel's gone soft and this adds to passenger quality of experience like nothing else."

Lucky Business Class Qantas customers enjoying a well-earned dip

Australian pilot Bruce McBushbaby agreed. "Jeez it's grite mite" he added, "Waitin' fer a wive and thin gittin' on it. We're off to Hawaii termorra, an' aah jiss can't wite to git ter that surf!"

Johnson hails surfer pilots as 'new Beachboys', races ahead with thames estuary plan London Mayor Boris Johnson yesterday welcomed the wave-craze sweeping the planet and pledged his determination to have the new Thames Estuary Air Hub open by 2031. Renaming the Estuary Hub Surf City UK, the ebullient Tory Mayor told newsmen, "We're going to Surf City where the sun is hot, oh yes we're going to Surf City givin' all we got, and there's two girls for every boy".

it's official:

bankers very very very very very sorry

Bankers....sorry sight

rear view:

 

 

 

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2000 italian restaurants to close in foreign food deal Plucky British Greasy Spoons win reprieve as Handlebum retreats ___________________________________________________ French, Indian and Chinese restaurants to follow Mince butties for victorious caff owners Derek and Brenda Muffin (left) but more mincing about by Fondlesome It was a victory for common sense and lard this morning as Britain's stalwart caff proprietors saw off Brussels mole Lord Maninbum of Boy's half-baked attempt to stimulate the UK economy by offering free upmarket lunches to hard-working City and advertising executives. Business Cheeky Boy Fiddlesum had insisted that 90% of participating restaurants should specialise in foreign delicacies. "This is vital in order to reduce the incidence of withdrawal from smart food" he had said, "After we did a guacamole impact assessment, it was clear to us that there would be great suffering if we chose only British restaurants". But the Spoonerist Tendency founded by man-and-wife team Derek and Brenda Muffin has finally forced bully-bumboy Mincingbum to eat his words - so it's fry-ups all round! bacon, egg, sausage, black pudding and fried bread meals reduce longevity risk - p 63

200 foot bendy-bus 'was created by snake' say archaeologists An almost intact bendy-bus from the Borassic era has been unearthed in London. Believed to have been capable of wiping out twenty pedestrians at a time, the bus - a unique example of anticarus leninsparta - became extinct about the same time as the newt-eating snake Writhas Livingstonia. Scientists have long held that anticarus leninsparta was wiped out by invading hordes of Borisan Rotunda, the squat forerunner of Ca Moronicum Rictus. The Rotunda invaded the area from the Near East, thriving in the murky waters to the West of the City State. snow 'may have wiped out bruno caledonicus' - p 91

grit-crunch 'began in russia' says darling Russian finance minister Alistair Kudrin explains to Alexei Darlink how snow tends to fall downwards British money Tsar Alexei Starving laid the blame for the country's grit-crunch firmly at the door of the Russian Federation yesterday. "They were far too liberal in the way they simply threw it onto any road in Russia" he commented, adding, "However we intend to learn from their mistakes by only using grit very sparingly, and only on roads with a long record of competent gritting." He is understood to have been referring to the B7701 in Perthshire. Sources close to the Met Office confirmed that the white stuff covering Britain is most probably snow. Supplies of grit in France are expected to run out some time in 2091, but Environment Secretary Hillary Benn said there was "no cause for alarm, as most badgers do not as such have the disease".

 

RBS BONUSES TO BE PAID IN SNOW PM Brown....setting example? Ice-Queen Gordon Brown addressed the World last night to explain that all future banking bonuses will be paid in snow. "It is a perfectly acceptable currency" he opined, "Except in times of meltdown. However, we are confident that retailers will accept snow quite readily, and hopefully buy lots of freezers to keep it in, which will furthr increase Britain's lead in environmental targets. In time we expect the rest of the World to follow our example and make snow a rewserve currency - especially Africa, where the situation is serious". Asked if he was covered in snow to set an example, the Prime Minister replied that he had been in a snowball fight with David Cameron and Carol Vorderman. "This is no time for infantile tits" he added without smiling. A spokesman later confirmed that Mr Frown had said 'tots'. snow 'could last twenty years' says rogers p 82

FREE INSIDE - 45-PAGE SNOW SPECIAL:

Eskimo futures leap as City backs snow bailout / Was snow exported in Icelandic conspiracy? Max Hastings reports / Dacre calls for snow immigration controls / Snow joke says Russell Harty in 1988 / Igloo havoc chaos freeze blizzard blocked: latest updates

 

 

 

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pm's big snow bailout

Free snow falls from sky as Brown intervenes to help people who like snow

Government spokespersons were claiming a major victory last night as the Prime Minister intervened with the Met Office and gained agreement to massive helicoptered dumps of free snow all over Britain. A Number Ten insider told nby "If pensioners lie down on the ground and open their mouths for the next three days, research suggests that they will save some £0.73pence in metered water rates, after which their partners can drag the other half inside and defrost them using up the Government's winter fuel allowance in 5.2 minutes".

snow prices in freefall as stock markets warm to brown rescue plan

Markets around the world were in turmoil today as the FTSE and Dow indices got the hots for UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown's package to save hardworking welfare recipients, and thus caused a Snow bailout Meltdown going forward. "The snow certainly hit the ground running" said analysts Bull Steers, "But now it's just running water. Thi is a crisis situation, and in our view it's vital that Federal workers bale out the bailout before this whole thing drowns us all".

'Undertakers in every town by the time you die' claims Johnson

Health Minister Al 'down the Swannee' Jolson followed up his promise of nationwide memory clinics today by promising every five year old starting school that there will be an Undertaker near them by the time they reach 108.

Flushed with the free publicity gained from his Memory Clinic push, Mr Jobsworth said the new scheme "offers a cast-iron guarantee of a free recycled cardboard casket for every stiff, and food-free hospital meals for all from tomorrow".

liz hurley getting older: official The world of fashion and wooden acting was thrown into panic this week as scientists finally concluded that Liz Hurley is a year older than she was at the same time last year. Doctors at the Beverley Hills Memory Clinic told nby reporters, "She's forgotten what comes after 47 - it's tragic." But the face of Harry Lauder is adamant that digital retouching will ensure her modelling career "lasts forever and ever and then I'm going to a magical land where life is

 

amazing snub for new au president and firm ally of west "On yer bike, Abdul"

 

ASTONISHING NEW SIAMESE SEPARATION REVERSAL In what is thought to be a world first, two world saviours are to be joined at the hip. The resultant financial duo-genius (to be called The Greenbraun) will probably have to remain in hospital for three weeks following the procedure, before being set in concrete and dumped in the Caspian Sea. hurrah

 

 

 

 

 

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GuiltyPeers expelled

413 members of the House of Lords were crushed to death yesterday as Lords High Executioner The Baroness Most Royall gave all those with something to hide ten minutes start on the police. New Met Police head Paul Stephenson later told a press conference that a further 47 deaths were caused by failed attempts at funny handshakes while running, and another 11 when a group of peers tried to walk on the Thames. The new top cop added, "It's a shame to arrive in the job just as all the bribery's ending, but life isn't fair and so we'll soldier on with the job of finding homophobics an' that".

Remaining peers....'more roomy now'

CAMERAS 'SHOULD BE INSTALLED IN TOP PEER'S BOTTOM' SUGGESTS LEAKED MEMO

A memo purportedly from Salvador Darling to Home Typist Jacqui Smith suggested that 'never mind cameras in school toilets, we could do with one up Mandy's jacksy'. Strenuously denying any knowledge of the memo from Britain's beleaguered Chancellor, Ms Smith told reporters, "Peter and Sally have always got on extremely well and this so-called leak is clearly a fake put together by the Opposition's business spokesman for example Ken Clarke who we know hates anyone with an altered sexual orientation and so I will be not personally be instructing Paul Stephenson to ransack Mr Clarke's suede shoes, and thus will have no knowledge of any of it later when the fat old fag-pusher* is banged up for 888 days without trial." *Not what it means in the US, dear American readers. Over here, a fag is a cigarette and thus very deadly. Lord Fondlebum is a fag in your sense - and also very deadly.

MORE PEOPLE UNEMPLOYED IN BRITAIN THAN ZIMBABWE IN 1364 The Office of Nationalised Statistics shocked even Opposition front bench spokesmen today by publishing its latest Domesday Book. "Basically, everyone is unemployed except 624 MPs and the Cabinet and of course all the Civil Service and the bankers without whom the world would end anyway" said Head of Sums Egbert Poppleford, "So there is still hope". But front bench spokesman Amanda Rice-Pudding insisted that "the number of front benches produced in Britain this year has dropped by an inexcusable 23% in just three months. This just goes to prove that the Government is a bunch of front bottoms". There was raucous laughter on the Conservative back benches, where productivity has also fallen some 11.332%. pope: was it murder? Rome was awash with rumours this afternoon following the release of a dramatic picture showing His Holiness Pope John the nth trying to swat a dove. Said MI5 insider Don't Give my Name please, "It is a well-known fact that Al Q'eida use doves groomed by cynical and deadly world-organised terrorists as flying bombs and here we can see incontravertible evidence of that very fact which is why everyone in Britain must be vigilant about doves and have an ID card and cough up thirteen billion quid for GCHQ Ithangyoo". But mysterious Papal insider His Eminence Grise said "Eh you very silly boy eessa notsobad it just that old Johnny he hated the doves I mean hated them campadre in fack you know he try pass law to kill all doves but eet was load of Papal Bull se we juss ignore it. You think Beckham gonna stay Milan? Ah hope so he very nice boy, tell that skinny wife of heez go fork aff muss be like doin it wiv pencil eh, eh? Gor blimey me." it's all bollocks and that's official (iabato)

odrama package: britain responds

odrama speech: iran responds

But Chancellor Darling insists: britain not insolvent As bailiffs moved in to repossess the Royal Navy this morning, Chancellor Salvador Darling insisted that this was a 'temporary denationalisaton' and would not mean the army might shortly follow necessarily or that Britain would have to go cap in hand to the IMF. "Britain is not insolvent" insisted the canny Scot, "We only had three days of solvent left when Russia cut off supplies, so now there's none at all. And if we do go to the IMF which is impossible we will not go cap in hand at all but rather, with a degree of style - holding a very large black-velour bag marked 'SWAG'.

Never mind Ali love - cheer up: Ken agrees with everything you say "Shertainly....fag anyone?"

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Jereboam Klaxon -

Lateral thinker

You might just as well ask the teasmaid to wash the car as get feckless single mums to feed their fat, feral progeny something other than Big Eat Cheesy Wotsits fried in a gallon of lard. I mean, when Jamie Oliver tried to cook them anything beyond Mcfaggot and pork scratchings, there they all were at the school gates, screaming for a fatwah. Doubtless they think a fatwah is an obese screaming baby or something. But there's no use trying to stop the killjoys at the Department of Scoffing or whatever the pinched goblins are calling it this week. So what they plan to do is let the blobs take degrees in the subject. What will they be called I wonder - an M Sc in Facial Orifice Sciences? A BA in Why battered whale blubber is bad for you, and for the whales? Well I've been thinking about it, and I have a much simpler plan. What is our biggest problem at the moment? Answer: nobody's buying cars. I estimate - in educating the blobbies, bailing out the car companies, and paying all those robots unemployment benefit forever - this is going to cost the Government a tidy packet; or - put another way - you and me. So let's give the outsize folks a car each. One of two things will then happen. Either they will drive it away and (unable to see through the folds of their eyelid-fat) crash the bloody thing within a mile - totalling both the vehicle and themselves. Or they will try and eat it, thus dying in painful but self-inflicted agony. Problem solved. Now that Ivan's decided to turn awkward about our gas supplies, the Foreign Office is trying very hard to believe Rasputin's oh-it's-all-just-been-a-price-tiff nonsense, whereas even the daftest squirrel in our garden knows perfectly well that next time it'll be caviar. And you could safely bet a dozen wind-farms that the Government would run out of Beluga within the week.

But it's all quite simple really. And foolproof. You see, all those rather unattractive lesbians who used to stand outside American missile bases have been at a loose end for the last twenty years. All we have to do is fire them the other way down the pipeline, and after a day or two of demanding bean curd sandwiches, farting venomously and singing New Age songs, they'll have the Russkis just where we want them: on their knees and begging for mercy. If the banks want people to give them savings money again, then it does seem a tad odd to be offering them minus 16% interest. But then your banker is the sort of chap who'd look a gift horse in the mouth and offer it a loan to get those choppers seen to. The banks are short of cash, short of money to lend and - if you ask me - short of an onboard computer in the dashboard. Surely all they have to do is take money off the cat at 5% and then lend it to the pond life at 6%. But the Tarquins and Waynes don't even seem to be able to do that But of course, they haven't given cars a second's thought, and this is where Klaxon's genius comes into play. Because the new Bugatti Biturbo limited edition treble-carb six wheel-drive people-carrying long wheelbase soft-top from BMW is an animal. Engineered to perfection by former rocket-scientists given the elixir of life while guests of the USSR, this speed-machine babe magnet can do 0-700 in 2.9 seconds. So that's what the bankers should do: embezzle the £465,000 necessary to buy this purring Nazi leopard, and then drive away knowing full well that no poxy FSA souped-up Fiesta would stand a chance of catching them - but a lifetime supply of dusky sexuality would be theirs. Home

 

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In today's War Section MAD HAYSTACKS: LABOUR RECORD ON ARMS STOCKPILING 'TREASON'

ARMS CRUNCH GRIPS PLANET

As munitions madness continued yesterday, world leaders met somewhere nice with their wives to thrash out a strategy to counter the arms disarray meltdown that has brought pointless killing to its lowest level since 308 BC.

Last week, the Israeli advance into Gaza ground to a halt amid panic buying of bazookas, penknives, safety-pins and other weapons of mass overpowering of airline cabin crews. Now the munitions recession has spilled over into the Russian Federation, where troops have been forced to stop protecting their neighbours and arms oligarch Tsars have been forced to appeal to newly elected leader Rasta Putin for tanks in which to think about what to do.

Inside: Say 'munitions recession madness disarray meltdown' twenty times correctly and win a year in Georgia. 2nd Prize: two hours in a toilet with George Michael

Pope agrees to vasectomy Kraut...Papal snip After a week during which nobody was killed by anything except Tsunamis, pollution, cars, AIDS and stonings, British financial genius Gurner Von Braun stepped in to proclaim himself Saviour of the World and announce, "I have today had meetings with the Holy Pontiff and agreed with him that he will undergo a 2.5% vasectomy incision. I am confident that this will have a dramatic short-term effect in kick-starting something." Although somewhat brownbeat, the Prime Minister added that "If this doesn't work we will be embarking on a £900 billion Kopout by issuing poison pills to everyone in a hard-working family" Von Braun...bitter pill Later, he demonstrated the Health & Safety approved suicide pill's complete effectiveness by taking one with no ill effects, indeed - without getting ill at all. "This shows once again that I am indestructible and immortal" he added. HUNT FOR SILVER BULLETS CONTINUES (Back page) BROWN POISON PILL: WE ASK 'WHO BLUNDERED?'

BBC REFUSES TO SCREEN RUSSIAN APPEAL Despite enormous pressure from Mandy Fondlebum of Boy, the BBC remains steadfast in its opposition to issuing an appeal on behalf of Save the Oligarchs, a charity dedicated to persuading everyone in the West that the Russian Federation is being viciously encircled by the combined forces of, er, and what's more it is entire

RUBBERBAND SLAMS ARMS DEALERS Rubberband...'hard work for nothing' New Labour Foreign Typist Avid Rubberband lashed out at arms dealers last night for 'trying to manipulate the price of arms by not selling any to the sort of lunatics we need to make our foreign policy work'. The Foreign Office supremo tsar insisted "With the arms crunch now in full flight, their behaviour is typically cynical and runs the risk of undoing all the hard work I've put in to make as many foreigners as pissed off as possible". Mr Rubberband pointed to his record in Georgia, the EU, India and Israel, where in every case his Zero Tact approach had brought "warlike heat where before there was only cool disdain". It was a framed Gold Record, he added, for selling a million copies of his huge hit Look here I don't want to be Prime Minister at All Really. "I hang it on my wife at home" he added, "To stop her playing that fucking cello all the time". The Braille's Eye View In allowing this arms crunch to develop - and thus leaving Dear Olde Englande [and fuck the Scots] to face the hordes of horrible yellow people and Russians and ghastly greasy foreigners completely naked but facing backwards so nobody can see our dirty bits - Gordon Brown and his bunch of baby-eating vandals have finally crossed that line beyond which lies only one option: suicide, or being hung from the nearest lamppost by their perverted genitals just like that degenerate Mosley should be. (That's two options boss, and we need more punctuation: people are asphyxiating reading this stuff). What every newspaper in the land should be asking at this point is 'Is Rubberband the worst foreign secretary in our history?', 'Is Brown the most stupid man ever born?', 'Are we the most degenerate culture on the planet?' and 'Am I entirely mad?' Raoul D'Hectare

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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* New pirate atrocity as Scottish spoonerist is boiled in oil More >>

* Irish flying pig shot down as Dublin/London split looms More >>

* Darling faces Death Duties revolt More >>

* J P Morgan Asian default rescue package More >>

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WRITERS WRITTEN OUT OF EASTENDERS

The BBC switchboard was jammed with congratulatory calls last night as six Eastenders writers were written out of the ratings-hit-gone-shit soap. They all died in a mobile home fire on the set last week, after scripts were rewritten under intense secrecy and then handed to The Sun.

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Harman to ban Leaded Pencils

Erect pencils....on the way out

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Gender-balancing comic Harriet Harman called time on 4-Star Men yesterday as she introduced a Bill to ban any man from having lead in his pencil after September 2012.

She told a tired and emotional House*, "My proposal is that 4-Star men will be phased out slowly and painfully, and as there are no 5-Star men anyway by definition because they're men, we expect all men to be lead-free by 2012 or else. It will of course remain legal for women to fill up with lead-pencil men after that date, but not for men to retail men who are crap anyway."

* The house concerned, 15, Postlethwaite Circus, was later found guilty of being drunk in charge of a roof.

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MENEZES CASE: NEW JUDGE RULING

"Fuck it - look....will anyone volunteer not guilty? Just the one - I'll settle for just the one. Please."

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EXCLUSIVE: DEAD POET'S WORK TURNS UP IN MCDONALDS ORGANIC CANCER NUGGET

Poetry departments throughout Britain were hot under the scholar last week after Mr Wayne Scowl of Slapperdon discovered some verse in his McDonalds free-range Big-Cod Carcinoma & large Fries Value-Binge Meal. The Cambridge Doggerel Emeritus Sofa Don Don Dadondon is convinced the lines are the work of Sir Alfred Lord Tenniselbow (above) the renowned Victorian lavatory. He told nby, "The lines are most redolent of his later work under the influence of methylated spirits". Judge for yourselves:

I’ve got to leave old Durum Wheat

I’ve got Bronchitis in my feet

I’ve got to leave old Durum Wheat

And my arches are all falling down.

 

Audi to launch 200 mph Pizza More >

Paddy Power tests new pre-teen gambling dens More >>

Queen 'wrote dirty poem about Nick Clegg' - Murdoch's amazing claim More >>

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Gordon Brown urges Devil to cease his ways and do something about financial meltdown, global warming, Robert Mugabe, Cholera, the National Debt, fiddling the tax balance sheet, PFI bombshells, and other stuff too awful to even mention in prayers not even to the Devil who's used to swearing and stuff.

Whitney breath-tested again

More >>

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LABOUR'S FISCAL STIMULATOR TAKES SHAPE

To be inserted up nation's bottom. On schedule for completion by 2012.

©2008 by Lord Maninbum of Boy

 

 

 

 

MATHS BOFFIN FINDS NEW 12-DIGIT SUB-PRIME NUMBER

3rd-Grade genius Hank comes up with magic zero-fest

'Came to me out of nowhere' he tells Congress

After a search lasting just over a year, young numbers-boffin Hank Paulson has become the most celebrated kid in America by announcing a new 12-digit sub-prime solution, $703, 447, 982, 333 - plus overnight interest, overdraught charges, and airport taxes.

"The number literally came out of thin air" he said, while trying to keep his eyes from swivelling round to the back of his head, "But as this was a joint effort by everyone who's been looking for this solution since Bear Sterns, I'd like to donate the whole sum to very fat guys with enormous yachts, Manhatten penthouses and forty-six vintage cars. It's he least I can do."

CONGRESS STEPS UP TO PLATE, EATS ALL FOOD - PICTURES, P's 4-11

 

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Disappearing global wealth special -

Credit-crunch Giant in trouble:

SCOTTISH REASSURANCE 'NO LONGER VIABLE'

MD Starling and CEO Clown....'big liabilities'

Salvador Starling and Gordon Blown called in the Bank of England last night amid signs that their bollocks-to-drivel group Scottish Reassurance could no longer get any credit. Insiders told nby in the early hours of this morning that "Sal and Gord have discussed a merger with former rivals Campbell, Smook & Marras, but this has come to nothing. I think we took far too much credit in the good years, and now nobody will give us any."

But despite the frantic talks and endless rumours, Starling remained upbeat this morning, telling City analysts "All this talk is pure speculation by irresponsible people to whom we owe large amounts of money. We are still confident that everything will be alright. We told all our customers a year ago that there would be no recession and we were in good shape and that remains true until such time as it is discovered to be a complete pile of pants".

SCIENTISTS ASK: IS DEBT AN ILLUSION? FULL STORY P 2,109

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TORIES REVEAL PLANS TO FREEZE CHURCH OF ENGLAND

'Vital for nation to save energy and reduce hot air emissions' says Osborne

Frozen churches to become cold showers for tumescent bankers

Sale to Rome 'a real possibility' says Iqbal Sacranie

'What's it got to do with you, fuckhead?' pleads Rowan

Osborne....'aaargomygodwe'regonnawinooooshit'

Throwing caution to the winds and sanity to the dogs, Conservative fuckup spokesman Gorge Osborn-Yessday told innocent bystanders this afternoon that if returned to power, a Tory government would freeze the Church and investigate the possibility of suspending its animation even further, prior to a possible sell-on to Italian rhythm-method-to-blues-brothers group Vatican Global Reproduction Inc.

"We have to think outside the flagpole from here on" the Shadowy Chancellor told nby Money man Des Dosh, "And once we finally inherit the mess left behind by Brown Labour, every possibility must be investigated as a means of putting Britain back on the front foot by putting up front what's been taken out the back door."

IS THE POPE A SUB-PRIMATE? FULL REPORT, P 349

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'WE WILL NATIONALISE BELGIAN CHOCOLATE' SAY LIBDEMS

Banque Chocolat de Belge....'assortment'

Westminster prankster and wannabe Chancellor Vincent Cable-Carr told newsmen today that if elected to power, the Liberal Democrats would invade Belgium and rescue their chocolates from the clutches of greedy international bankers. "I love chocolate" he confessed, "Hhhhmmmmm - can't get enough of it. And hey - if a chap can't benefit from the perks of power, then what's the point, that's what I say".

The Prime Minister later told a press conference "This is no time for chocoholics".

STOP PRESS:

WORLD ENDS AS US CONSUMER SAYS ARE YOU AVIN' A LARF OR WOT?

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Bush 'needs break from crisis' warn doctors

 

 

 

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Prime Minister 'has gone from being come-back kid to come back Blair, all is forgiven' says Cable

Cable...'vot a dancer'

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Cameron 'will go from Eton toffee-nose to eating humble pie' quips Cable

Cable....exfoliated head

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Clegg 'is going from Cleggover to overclegging the pudding' jokes Cable

Cable....stand-up

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Vince Cable 'is going to wind up under a motorway stanchion at this rate' says Clegg

Clegg...not losing head

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Al Q'eida to merge with Bank of Buddha

Lord Buddha...'delighted'

As the global credit crisis debit mounted tonight, Middle Eastern central bankers were heading south, going west and predicting that a rappochement between Osama Bin Obama and Barack Dun Loadin was imminent. "We think this is the bottom" said City analyst Fuck Wit.

 

 

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Two women with common aim hobnob in New York

Palin & Beard...both called Sarah and wear glasses

Prime Ministerial audience ambassador Sarah Brown (l) teams up with heartbeat hopeful Sarah Palin to jaw about bikinis, guns, abortion, creationism etc

Picture courtesy of Hello,Hello,Hello

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PM's warm-up act hobnobs with fellow right-on Lefties

Prime Ministerial food-taster and all-round good prop Sarah Beard (left) rubs shoulders with Jordanian Princess Fascistini and Rupert Murdoch envoy Suzi Passport.

Insiders told nby that the three socialist sisters discussed their many things in common, in particular being married to universally excoriated men.

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Downing Street mum gobs nob at Labour Junket

Browns....tongues or what?

Westminster supermum Sarah Brown gave her all for Britain this week by sucking face with top politico Gordrack Obrowna.

Said vivacious, game 36-36-46 Sarah later, "He's such a dish, and cod loins are my favourite"

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BUSH'S DRAMATIC TV APPEAL AS WINGED CANNON WITHOUT ENGINES SLAMS INTO BANKING DISTRICT

Mark I Friedman Engineless Loose Cannon...reliable

Speaking on national television this morning, President George W. Bush begged the nation to remain calm as he insisted "Rern fer yer larves, we all goin' 'ter Heyall in a bucket 'cos our economy's in grave danger from these flying bankerist cannon things HEEEEEELLP!".

Reiterating a determination to stand firm and stick some tampax up his ass, the President summarised the situation with clinical precision by telling newsmen on the White House lawn, "I wiyull perznally rip the fuckin' head off any jackass Democrat who says we ain't gon do this heyah rescue plan. Ah mean fer Chrissakes folks, what we got ourselves izza sityation heyuh....these globalist terror hedgermentalists run by Al Q'eenspan see, theyz pullin' down some mean shit so let's get the lead out an' throw some dollars at the problem, an' if that don't work, rern fer yer larves, we all goin' ter Heyall in a......"

PALIN BLAMES POLAR BEARS FOR OIL SHORTAGE, P 2

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Brown in new daredevil stunt above Wall Street

Upside Brown....PM's amazing feet

Astonishing escapologist Gormless Braine risked everything this afternoon as he hung upside down from a fiftieth-storey flagpole above Wall St in order to prove to bankers that his pockets are entirely empty. "I'm skint" he told reporters before moving out from the ledge of JP Morgan's Manhatten offices and dangling enticingly 600 feet above the sidewalk. Senior Morgan staffer Mr A. Blair waved at his former Chancellor before saying "Byeeee".

But medical experts told nby that remaining the wrong way up was exceedingly dangerous. "It's not a bad idea in principle," said one, "But Gordon's been doing this for years.....and with a head full of concrete, that's bound to be harmful over time".

Mr Boing's only precaution before attempting the feat was to send his wife Sarah out in order to test the flagpole's strength.

SARAH'S MAIDEN FLIGHT OVER NEW YORK: FULL REPORT, P 402

---

New ecological shock follows arctic meltdown

WORLD NOT GOING ROUND ANY MORE

Money...new evidence of slowdown

 

 

---

 

Paxman censured over Hoon snack shocker

Hoon...'headless chicken'

Hardman interviewer Jereboam Axeman has been rapped over the knuckles following his on-air decision to bite Geoff Hoon's head off.

"Eerreyyyyyeeeeazzz" said the Beeb's star interviewer last night, "To be honest I was a bit peckish and so I ate it. Didn't cook it well enough, though - bit soggy in the middle."

Noting the extreme provocation that preceded the incident, Beeb Tsar and renowned cannibal Mark Timeson commented, "It's no big deal. Hoon never used the bloody thing anyway. I pay Paxo to be tough with politicians, so what do you expect? I've bitten many an arm in anger myself".

---

Stonehenge very big ring of stones say boffins

Enigma....solved

It looks as though Dartmoor's famous monument has at last yielded up its 4,200 year old secret: it is, say scientists, a ring of jolly heavy bits of rock that came from the Wye valley, or possibly Egypt.

Said dating specialist Bernard Halfmast, "I think we can be fairly certain that 4,200 years ago, Stonehenge was a stone circle, and remains one today, apart from the missing bits".

Are you lonely, a loser in love, and someone who wanks all the time? Then dating specialist Bernard Halfmast can help YOU: date Bernard today by contacting him at trousers@halfmast.com

---

 

US takeover consortium swoops to snare Manyoo

Federal Reserves...looking to be in the first team

Manchester United's Old Trafford mecca was once again in uproar last night as US Division III side Federal Reserves swept in to buy out sponsors Amalgamated Institootional Greed (AIG). News leaked later that the Glazer family had been shot while trying to escape. Commented Fed Chairman Ben the Banker, "They were failed cryogenic experiments and had to go. We are delighted to have the opportunity to form a special relationship with this famous cricket club, and its manager Sarah Ferguson. Also we look forward to her scoring a record number of assists this season. In the meantime, as a precautionary measure we will be transferring $6.2 billion to the United States."

The deal will unite former Reds star Stiff Peckams with his erstwhile colleagues Plain Looney and Carlothothoth Berbatovovov. It is expected to take, maybe, fortytofiftyyears to sort out the doo diligence. "When we say fortytofifty, could be fortyfivefifty,fifty-five tops, fortytofifty ballpark" said Red Devil intermediaries Arry an Paul.

WENGER SAYS DEAL 'AT LEAST 6000 MILES OFFSIDE' - Back Page

---

J P Moregrunt lashes out as Washington bans short-crust pastry

Moregrunt...Wall St legend

Wall Street giant J P Moregrunt threw his considerable weight behind the growing campaign to reinstate short-crust pastry this afternoon.

Speaking from his Sty-in-the-Sky above Manhatten, JP told assembled PRs "The market must be allowed to decide, and the market loves short-crust pastry because without it how can we continue to eat all the pies?"

---

City obesity raises miscarriage of justice risk says new report

City belly-futures trader Rupert Blobbe-Larde in his new energy efficient specially-converted 120 cc Mini Fatman

A shock new report from the National Health of Financial Services Agency (NHFSA) points to obesity as a sure sign of justice miscarriage in Britain's banks. Said watchbitch Fenella Fnar-Fnar, "There is a very clear correlation between being a fat bastard and using Masonic contacts to miscarry justice under Labour".

 

---

 

SOAP SHOCKER AS ITV CHIEFS AXE GORDON

__________________________________________________________

Public 'bored shitless with the saga' says Rupert Bear

Bear...Brown-zapper

Fans of ITV peak-time sensation Westminsters were rocked last night by the news that disaster-prone and sexually ambivalent character Gordon Gremlin is to be written out of the long-running sex-and-bicycles soap about dysfunctional MPs.

Gremlin....serial baby-eater

"Basically, Gordon had become a cardboard character" said ITV Tsar Rupert Bear, "and this was worrying the rest of the cast, as just the slightest wind of change was enough to blow him over. To be honest, all that drivel in the Party Conference-speech episode.....I mean do me a favour, nobody in their right mind would believe any of that toss in real life. And I am committed to reality television."

Top ITV bosses were locked in money-filled rooms last night trying to agree on who would replace him as the Village's top bad boy. Genial character David Military-Band is understood not to be in contention due to his Big Girl's Blouse image - also Harrisa Harman on account of being mad, and a girl in a big blouse.

Meanwhile, actor Kiltie Brownhat (the tabloid terror who plays Gordon) has sold his story exclusively to The Midloathian, under the heavily-advertised banner 'MY YEAR OF OIL-SPIKE AND CREDIT-CRACK SHAME'.

Gremlin's fate in the drama - he is to be killed off in a drive-by-election shooting - was a closely guarded secret last night.

BLAIR TO GUEST ON ROGUE TRADERS - p 229

Local joke note: this gag was created by, for and about advertising people. Richard Eyre graciously consented to its appearance, and as ever we thank him

---

---

SHOCK HIT FOR WARNOCK'S 'MRSA'

MRSA team Spillage People

Heartless euthenasia fundamentalist Baroness Warlock shocked the nation last night with an appearance on The X-Factor to help publicise her plans to kill everyone over seventy. Singing her tied-in new release MRSA, Baroness Wardog used the song's lyrics to press home her plan for MRSA to be left to get on with God's work:

Old folks, you know it's time that you died, I said old folks - there's no place you can hide

Because old folks, now your brains are pan-fried there's no place - to - keep - you - alive

dah dah dah dah dah

It's fun contracting that MRSA, It's fun contracting that M - R - S - A

There is nothing at all for you folks to live for - you are knocking on Heaven's door

It's time to croak from that MRSA, vacate that bed 'cos you're old anyway-hey

You've got nothin' to give, you've got porridge for brains, and you're miserable when it rains

etc etc etc

JOHNSON DECLARES LETHAL INJECTION 'PERFECTLY SAFE' P 2

---

WALL ST GREETS BLANK CHEQUE WITH NERVOUS CAUTION

_____________________________________________________________________________

Bankers wonder why cheque couldn't have been wider in bit where noughts go, and what fuck is holding things up in Congress, I mean Jesus guys

_____________________________________________________________________________

Billfold....'Where was the Government when we needed it?' he asked yesterday

 

As stock exchanges round the world soared on the news that there would no longer be any debt any more anywhere ever thanks to the infinitely beneficent taxpayer, leading bankers on Wall Street and on London's Square Mile questioned the width of cheques on offer - and what strings might be attached.

Shadows lengthened yesterday on the distraught bodies jumping from 50th floor ledges, but in the oak-panelled boardroom of world's second biggest investment bank Ben Paul & Sons, doubt was in the air.

"We need to be sure that this isn't once again the dead hand of Washington interfering with market forces" said Head of Past Futures at Washover Morgan Stanley, Jeb Billfold. City Hedge Funds immediately wondered what Jeb was doing in the Paul & Sons boardroom, following which WMS's share price fell 99.3%.

ICEBERG SIGHTED OFF MIAMA - P 7,903

---

 

---

Salvador Darling in Churchillian form as shovel outbreak empties Treasury

Starling...."oh fuck, not again"

"Never in the field of human commerce" said the Cancellor yesterday, "Has so much been owed to so many to save so few".

"Never in the field of human commerce" he added, "was so much the fault of so few at the expense of so many".

"Never in the field of human commerce" he continued, "Has so many a muckle macked a nickel while everyone took the mickey".

---

After the Great Black Melting Hole Earthquake Crisis, Bankers come out fighting

REVENGE!

Leo Z. Mogadishu.....'mad as Hell'

_____________________________________________________________

FBI to root out culprits: four most-wanteds sought

_____________________________________________________________

Tough as nails Ball Street Wankers came out in force last night to insist that the 'pinko' Bush administration catch those responsible for last week's near-disaster in the financial markets.

Leading the pack was Haemorroids-BFG hardman Leo Z. Mogadishu, who told nby "The first guy to nail is this asshole Jed Kowalski who printed all the extra Fed money, an'of course all the Commies in Washington who spent it when clearly it was meant for us, it bein' money an' all".

Late last night FBI chiefs confirmed they had Kowalski's printing set surrounded.

Jed 'Asshole' Kowalski

Merrill-Lynchmob Chairman Hornby P. Wannamakerlorradoe called for "Urgent action to break these Goddamn hedge funds making all this money by gamblin' on certainties, ie that we were goin' to the wall" and added "We gotta shoot all this fuckin' trailer trash who just don't have the basic decency to pay back their loans so generously offered to them without the usual credit scoring by us. That's the thing with Commies, see - you try to help 'em, an' they just spit in yer fuckin' eye".

Finally, Morgan-Pirates CEO J. Ezekiel Smackkk inisted "Any and all rogue traders should be disembowelled at the first sign that they might talk and start pointing fingers all over the place about institootional greed and other such shit. We got all the fuckin' rogues we need right now without maverick rogues screwin' it up for the rest of us".

'HEADLESS GREED CAUSED CRASH' - Benanke's amazing claim, P 327

---

LABOUR IN MERCY KILLING DISARRAY AS PINK FOX IS FINALLY CORNERED

Bruno the pink fox....'unlucky'

Zanu-Labour was in dismayingly disarrayed meltdown confusion this morning as unluckily born-pink Bruno the Fox was finally cornered by grass-roots workers in Manchester. As Bruno pleaded for his life, the hunting Party was bitterly divided on the issue of mercy killing versus the merciless tearing apart by dogs of the fox, who has left a trail of dead roosting chickens behind him.

LABOUR SUPPORT SLUMPS TO -7% - P 4

---

EDMONDS TV LICENCE STAND: NBY READERS SAY NOEL IS RIGHT

Edmundo Noel....driving problem

In a shock new study, Not Born Yesterday shows conclusively that the public is 100% behind John Ward lookalike Noel Edmunds. Asked if the Deal or No Deal creator should have a licence to be on television, 162.3% of respondents said absolutely and emphatically not. If this trend were repeated across the UK, Edmunds would never work again and Jimmy Saville would be returned with a 90% facelift.

Asked in turn if Edmunds should have a driving licence, 88% of readers said he'd been driving them mad for forty years and enough was enough. These are the lowest approval ratings in the history of asking daft questions about approval of a public that doesn't give a shit anyway. At the last count, seventeen New Labour disc jockeys had come out in support of anyone else getting Noel's job, even Sarah Palin. This represents the only nice thing that any liberal organ anywhere has said ever ever about Sarah Palin. Her uncle Mike was not available for comment, but he is available for pantomimes and kids' birthdays.

FUCK OFF WE HATE YOU, NEW LABOUR TELLS BROWN - P 2

---

MET'S DAWN SWOOP TO ARREST ITSELF

Baddies went on a crime-spree in London last night as senior Met officers all arrested each other in a carefully orchestrated dawn raid. Lower ranks followed suit and orders until by late afternoon every police officer in the capital was banged up at West End Central.

Gender balance Tsarina Hattie Harmless said 3084 glass ceilings had been dismantled, while Deputy HR director Hassim O'Mbumboy said sexual orientation and race prejudice in the force had fallen 89% and crime had risen really rather a lot. Home Secretary Jacquie Spliff declared herself 'very pleased' with the way the operation had gone, adding "We expect some 8,730 industrial tribunals, 409 race relations cases and 3 unbalanced genders to come to Court as a result of this tightly-run and highly disciplined operation".

TURKEY PRICE DOUBLES AS SUPER-FOXES TERRORISE BERNARD MATHEWS p 11

---

HAMMERS IN BID FOR LEHMAN BROTHERS

New West Ham manager Emile Zola will aim to plug the midfield gap in his flatpack four this week with a bid for the troubled striking twins Bill & Ben Lehman of New York Cosmos. New Hammers hero Zoles told Des Hackles of nby, "Seefingizzlike we is got well done Satdee so I gotting to stop the goal rush before I's you know watering the goal drought".

Asked to comment on Lehman's Three trillion dollar debt, Ems smiled his trademark wink before remarking "Well, that footiballers for you innit?"

RBS FAILS TO REACH RESERVE PRICE ON FLOG IT p 55

CAPELLO TO TAKE OVER AT HSBC p 56

---

XL GROUNDED

Britain's obesity epidemic reached tipping point last night as tapas-fuelled XL-size Bianca McBloboon collapsed on a Spanish beach and was unable to get up again. Foreign Secretary David Miliband warned the Madrid Government that unless there waszzzzzz

AIR-RAGE HOOLIGAN TUBBIES DISGRACE - P's 3-917

---

FINANCIAL TIMES

Free inside: Patek Philippe watch. Win a Savile Row suit every hour. Special 99% FT discount on ebook readers. Free bank with every offer.

_________________________________________

CITY DEALERS ADAMANT: WORST IS OVER, OCTOBER WILL BE TIME TO GET BACK INTO MARKET

Lehman knackered P1, housing bust P2, Sterling dead P 3, 20 holiday cos in trouble P 4, 12 airlines on the edge P 5, Oh God what's the point P's 6-49

---

ZUMA PUBLIC BESTIAL CORRUPTION GANG-RAPE $27BILLION SWISS ACCOUNT ALEGATIONS DROPPED

Wanabe Presidents exempt on Fridays says Judge

WINNIE TO BECOME LIFE QUEEN P 99

---

 

---

Medvedev tells West: 'Georgia was our Sound of Music'.

Medvedev...surrealist

Russian President Dmitry Medvedevil'sgoinonere told western journalists today that the peace-keeping tragedy in South Ossetia had been his country's Sound of Music.

"I think maybe songs not as good" he said, "But all the same, plot very similar - you know, principle of independence and freedom from terrorists with wicked fascists and some nuns maybe."

But Prime Minister Vludi Rasputin said later "Dmitry sensitive man with vivid imagination".

 

 

---

FO man Middlebain's amazing outburst:

"Look here, how many times do I have to tell you my name has one 'l' in it not three or two or fucking six but just the one I mean I'm the foreign secretary and almost the Prime Minister and destined to save the nation and you grubs can't even spell my name"

In an astonishing epi that showed to more people than just Ed Balls or Charles Clarke how badly he has lost his cool right, British Foreign Secretary Avid Dablimind turned on his Times newspaper over breakfast today and tore it to shreds.

"It simply is not fair" said his wife, vile linoist Sou-Lise Shuttlecock, "There's David doing what he can including telling fibs and everything in order to save the world from that vile Russian Mr Turnip, and all these awful press people just keep on calling him Baldmilne and shit."

Later, Mr Sillytwat told admirers Caroline and Denzil Blini-Mad "What is it with these people? Do you ever see people writing Gordonn Browwn? David Cammeronn? No of course not. It's all a plot against me and my effortlessly stylish ability to connect with plebs who think I'm jolly nice and did you notice there that in that line at the start of the paragraph, this muckraking satire-sheet called me Sillytwat you're not seriously trying to tell me that was a genuine mistake?"

BILIDAMN DENIES ANAGRAM PLOT - P 65,001

 

 

---

 

DARLING GRAPPLES WITH NEW HONESTY DRIVE

"Right, er, hand.....heart...um...."

 

HUTTON PUTS HAND ON HEART OF GORDOVISION

"What Gordon's going to do is set out the vision, and for me the vision is a challenge we must all set out on the road towards, so that we are setting it out clearly. Once we've set out what the right road is, even though it will not be an easy ride, we need to get on the road straight away and start setting out the values and perspectives of the vision. I know Gordon will rise to that challenge, and indeed we as a Party of Government have a duty not just to follow him down that that road, but also to face the challenge of setting the vision out clearly and then crack on with the job of explaining why the challenge must be faced. Once this is done I think we will turn the corner and head on towards the real crossroads, where I suspect we will almost certainly find Gordon working on the vision".

 

____________________________________________________________

 

PRESIDENT SOLVES IRAQ PUZZLE

WHY EVERYONE IS GOING TO IRAQ - TRAVEL EDITOR A.A.QUILL EXPLAINS

LADBROKES SHORTENS ODDS ON next invader:

Saudi Arabia 15-1 Syria 44-1 Jordan 11-2 Cyprus 25-1 France 3000-1 Israel evens

____________________________________________________

BUSHFIRE PYROMANIA ALLEGATIONS: PRESIDENT CRACKS CASE

__________________________________________________________________________________

 

sEPTEMBER 2007: NEW LABOUR CALLS FOR NO BANK REGULATION

OCTOBER 25TH 2007: CHANCELLOR CALLS FOR FURTHER BANK REGULATION

Daring: "There needs to be better regulation to stop banks hiding things off-balance sheet."

And in an unrelated incident, Home Secretary Mrs Bland said "We need to stop burglars telling fibs in the witness box".

President Bush also called for his assistants to "stop stealing off the taxpayer".

Iraqi democrats further declared "It would be nice if the UK and US didn't just dump us in the shit when they leave"

______________________________

 

BROON SHOOT TO MOON

Yes, the broon shoots of discovery were evident yesterday as the Prime Minister blasted off for the Moon, still in search of his vision which has so far cost £29 billion in consultants, enemies and fingernail transplants.

Brownshirt Spin-doctor Finder General Eddie McBalls told observers at 'Mission: Control' that Operation Looney Landing was "Very much in Gordon's mind long before he was persuaded into talking about visions after the election cancellation that had never been intended as an election and has now turned into a vision, although not necessarily".

Having gone ballistic at his advisors, first indications were that Broonshoot 1 was on target for ongoing pre-Moon trajectory insertion. Said Brown-Nose Controller David Elasticke-Bande, "Being on the Moon will enable Gordon to see the UK as very tiny indeed and thus bring a new perspective to the mission values so that he can set out his vision and then afterwards beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

 

EXCLUSIVE: GORDON BROWNSAY'S KITCHEN

 

"For fuck's sake, will you get that monetary committee grilled, they are so full of shit, and Jesus Alistair, call that a Budget? Get those fucking books cooked oh fuck me Miliband, blanche that fucking EU treaty before I bite your fucking head off and serve it to Mugabe...."

 

______________________________________________________

 

Divorce nightmare: Heather hits out

"Let me tell yer summat pet, ahm doon ter ma last twenty million like that's nowt like what Ant an'Dec've got ah mean, ah wuzz only tryin' ter protect Paul an mekk shoower me babby's looked afta like. An' I'll tell yer anotha thing this is worse than bein a bloody pediatrician ahm hairted an'it's not fair like 'cos...."

The rest of this statement is the subject of a gagging order by the High Court of Satire. Grounds: Unfairly enormous target and not nice to kick a lass when she's shootin' 'erself, like.

__________________________________________

 

WE TAKE LID OFF ROYAL COVER-UP

Gratuitous shot of slimey slob socialite

REVEALED: THE ROYAL SHAME THEY TRIED TO KEEP QUIET, SWEEP UNDER THE CARPET SO IT REMAINED SECRET AND NOT LET ANYONE KNOW ABOUT IT AT ALL EVER, COVERING IT UP IN A CONSPIRACY OF SILENCE UNTIL A BENT COPPER TIPPED US THE WINK, AND SAY NO MORE SQUIRE.

Glasgow socialite Strachan....'denies everything'

____________________________________________________________________________________________

The Cover Story: Lord Linley snorting while being snorted. (I mean come on, the bloody stuck-up Windsors never liked him anyway)

Nby Says: What a load of old cock!

The buried news item: Prince Harry questioned about rare birds at Sandringham.

Nby Says: Harry may have thought the birds had flown - wrong, Ginger features!

SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE SENSATIONAL REVELATIONS.....

 

ROYAL PRINCE AND CELTIC MANAGER 'JOINED FIVE IN BED GINGER ORGY'

claims Glaswegian housewife Morag McScrewam

The House of Windsor was rocked to its only recently-underpinned foundations this week as vivacious call-girl Morag McScrewam alleged that she had been one of three redheads sharing a bed on the Balmoral Estate. Although the media were fed red herrings about bird-shooting on the Sandringham Estate, we* can now reveal that the only reds in the bed were at Balmoral...or Ballymoral as we should perhaps now be calling it.

"Och hen, there was the fave of ozz" shapely Morag, 43, told our reporter Rory McLemon, "An' ah tell ye, that bladdy Harry, heezza fookin' pairv.....it was ginger or nuthan for ham...there wuzz me, ma mate Eileen, hair mate Jeannie and this Strachan bloke all writhan aboot".

Harry.....'likes hedgehogs'

________________________________________________________________________________________________

* Actually, only Ms Mcscrewam claims this.

 

Look here Hamish, can you really make all this shit stand up? Only we've only got this prozzer's word for it, and it's not as if we're dealing with fucking Jeffrey Archer here and let's face it even he got off. Alex x

OK sod it, let's drop it and go with the Mandelson gay Hungarian four commissioners in a four-poster thing. Hame xx

 

 

 

 

 

________________________________________________________________________________

ROYAL DEMENTIA SHOCK

________________________________________________________

 

HONOURING THE FALLEN:

CAMERON REMEMBERS TORY DEAD

_______________________________________

 

Tessa Jowell brain controversy:

Exploratory drilling begins

__________________________________________________________

BARCLAYS: SUB-PRIME BORROWER

HITS OUT

 

______________________________________________________

 

vote early for christmas

______________________________________________

BIRD FLU TERROR:

Turkey leads cull

_________________________________________

 

 

cop genitals - first picture:

--------------------------------------------

Northern Rock's upset Apple-cart:

Adam Applegarth adamant that his hairy model works

______________________________________________________________

Northern Rock: Where did all that £30billion go?

 

________________________________________________________

 

DARLING CRISIS:NEW IDENTITY REVELATION

Prime Minister Gordon Brown moved swiftly today to allay fears that the Chancellor's ID has been lost in the post. "I can categorically refute this allegation" he told the Commons, "Because Mr Vladimir Starling has no identity at all. We don't actually know who he is. In fact, I thought he came to the Party with Jack. But of course, he has my full confidence."

Sources were trying not to stand too close to Alistair Darling last night. But insiders accepted that his short-lived attempt to suggest he might actually be the Chancellor and know what the fuck was going on is finally at an end. "I put a penny black on the package" the luckless stooge told friends, "But somehow the whole nation's records since 1066 just didn't get through. "

TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TNT

1. It's highly unstable and can blow up in your face 2. The service is crap 3. You have to put a stamp on 4. Their PR agency has been up all night and they still can't think of anything to say 5. Send it registered, or they'll lose it (See 2) 6. Those in charge are a bunch of cowboys 7. And TNT's management isn't much better either 8. They wouldn't dream of selling on that list, ooooh, nonononono 9. At least it's a distraction from Northern Rock 10. Adman Crazier is trying to make Royal Mail's business model more like TNT's

_____________________________________________________________

 

SOCCER CRISIS: FA TARGETS STRONG MAN

Musharraf: FA's CEO says "He is our number one candidate. He has a track record of imprisoning cricketing tossers and bombing trouble-making bints. Talks are already well-advanced, as his current position seems untenable."

Mr Musharraf confirmed the FA's approach later when he told Jeff Powell "I have no interest in the England job whatsoever, now please will you be fucking off, for I am very busy negotiating with Notts County".

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

DARLING TO FRONT NEW RADIO SHOW

Soon-to-be-fired Alistair Darling is to host a new radio slot, Desert Island Disks. The former Chancellor will interview junior post-room employees about very important things that disappeared in the post. "We thought it would make a change from keeping things to, you know, losing them" commented DG Mark Thompson, "Rather like my job, really."

______________________________

 

 

JELLYFISH TERROR:

BROWN ACTS

___________________________________________________

 

MAD CLERIC SPEAKS OUT

In an outspoken article last weekend, radical Canterbury Chapter Archbishop Ro'an al Yams spoke out against the evil Satan America and its radical policy of genocide against all those willing to oppose its belief in Apple Pie. The US Ambassador immediately complained of lower back pain and said that the Archbishop had spoken out of turn, but al Yams himself claimed to have spoken out of conviction. Special Envoy to the Middle East Crony Flair said the speech was out of order but bore no relevance at all to the sale of 3000 fighter whores to Saudi Arabia, which had been entirely above board (in keeping with his strongly held religious views as a nutter) and not entirely under the table. Catholic primate Homo Consistens O'Pope told his flock of four billion sheep that he suspected the speech had been conceived out of wedlock.

Ro'an went on to suggest that Western religious believers ate their souls, mistook Iraq for other countries due to poor maps, and kept on cutting Jerusalem into little bits - especially the Israelis who were jolly vulgar and should shut up. He commended the Muslim practice of praying five times a day and only spending a relatively small amount of time blowing infidels into very small pieces.

Everything is a mess in our culture, he continued: nobody had their hands cut off for stealing ice-cream cornets any more, there hadn't been a decent stoning of unfaithful wives since 1123, and the Government was a Godless collection of Saladinophobes just itching to find an excuse to deport otherwise highly-regarded schizoid psychopaths.

Archbishop Ro'an Al Yams was interviewed by an Islamic magazine

__________________________________________________________

 

Sage words from Lisbon

(26.11.07)

___________________________________________________________

(4.12.07)

___________________________________________

 

AN APOLOGY

IT HAS BEEN POINTED OUT TO US THAT THE ABOVE SHOT DOES NOT IN ANY WAY PROVE THE PRIME MINISTER IS HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. WE APOLOGISE FOR ANY OFFENCE GIVEN, AND WOULD CONFIRM THAT IN FACT IT DEPICTS A NERVOUS DICK BROWN.

(4.12.07)

____________________________________________________________________________

STRAW ON WHY WE NEED SUPERJAILS:

(5.12.07)

_______________________________________________________

 

"...and also Lord, look after Richard Branson, and all the other banks about to go poopsy, and look kindly upon your servant Jacqui in her attempt to shut Plod up, and please may the media believe me when Darling takes the rap, and finally if you can bring your magnificence down upon Cameron and tear out his tongue...well, if you did, I promise I'll never be naughty again. Amen." (7.12.07)

__________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________

NEW LABOUR -NEW NAVY LOGO

______________________________________(10.12.07)

 

HUTTON STRUGGLES WITH WIND TRAP:

 

Nuclear - 3p a kilowatt. Wind - 7p a kilowatt. Phuuuurrrrt. Pardon.

(13.12.07)

__________________________________

 

JUBILANT GORDANO SIGNS

 

"Noo...aah, I just want eevryone ti see how ah'm oonly hoolding thas pen in what, if ah may say so is a verrry haf-hearted way, aah, an ween it all toorns tah shit, I'd just like ye all ti knoo that it was navva mah idea an' personally ah was always in favour of, aah, a, aah....thingy, wootsername - aye, referendum, that's it."

(11.12.07)

________________________________

sleaze: currie points finger

_____________________

(17.12.07)

_________________________________________________________________________

JOB DONE IN BASRA

(17.12.07)

_________________________________________________________

 

clegg nails libdem direction

"It's all about ambition and change.....big ambitions for smaller government, changing small ambitions into big futures....outward facing liberalism not looking inwards...voiceless people, giving peopleless voices a peoplefull voice, liberal country, liberal towns, I like towns, and countries, and oceans....people like me, I like people, babies, immigrant babies enriching our culture, immigrant cultures enriching our babies, thread holding everything together, everything hanging by a thread, privileged education educating people to reject whole idea of privilege, others flip-flop on policies, I have clear policy, never wear flip-flops.....clear direction, direct clearly, wipe slate clean, swipe late sleaze, new young ideas, making old ideas younger, making being old more like being young only with fewer beans.....beans on toast, kicking leaves, soup, roaring fires but action on climate change, big ambitions for climate change, smaller fires for bigger climate targets....."

(18.12.07)

___________________________________________________

 

A Very Merry Christmas

from Sunny Jim and Drizzly Gordon, two wankers separated by thirty years and a facial expression, but not much else

(20.12.07)

_________________________________________________

2008

BREAKING WIND.....Cameron hits head on car roof, car dies.....Kenyan ballot boxes stolen, black people held.....Pakistan disappearing, no elections held....Scotland dead following Hogmanay binge outrage....Portugal kidnapped, police baffled....New record London-Liverpool train journey time of 19 hours, ticket prices rise 14.5%....Daffodils arrive five weeks early, daffodil ticket office swamped....Brown swallows tongue, Miliband writes to ask if he can have it back.....Andy Fordham loses ten stone, TNT deny involvement.....House prices to tumble, Ricky Hatton hired as consultant.....Heather and Paul go ten rounds on Boxing Day....Billie Piper weds Basil Brush......2008 one day old, City awaits plague of boils.

(2.1.08)

___________________________________________________________________

 

(2.1.08)

_________________________________________________________________________

"What a wonderful day,missus....

....what a wonderful day for sticking two fingers up from the despatch box and shouting 'Bung!'"

Issued by the Liverpool Jam Butty Mines Association

_______________________________________________(November 2007)

CANCER FAILURES: AL'S NEW PLEDGE

_____________________________________________(3.1.08)

 

(3.1.08)

___________________________________________________________

BREAKING WIND.....Sir Alex Ferguson says hosptiality fans 'too quiet', proves that money talks but doesn't shout.....Ten years on, same number of UK children living in poverty, forward not back......Tories want hip replacement, Brown needs Yvette Cooper replacement.....secret heart surgery for Paul, follows open wallet surgery by Heather....M&S diversifies into fire extinguishers.....Britons now fatter than Americans, UK 'sinking at rate of two inches a year'.....top cop says ecstasy safer than Jacqui Smith.....NHS: market decides that English market-driven NHS is crap....GPs tell tummy-bug sufferers to stay at home, die quietly, not bother them.....woman smuggles £100,000 worth of cocaine into UK in bra, Amy Winehouse to get breast reduction.....Muslims back Livingstone candidacy, Johnson hopes for support from bongo-bongo land.....Brown insists UK must try harder on carbon emissions, approves new coal-fired power station in Kent.

(3.1.08)

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

BREAKING WIND….End of housing boom, everyone bust…..Britney Spears ‘close to breakdown’, Mohamed Suharto ‘close to death’, Pakistan ‘close to meltdown’, Kenya close to Zimbabwe…..Clarkson is public’s choice as PM, so was Tony Blair…..NHS set to rescue failing schools, R101 set to rescue Apollo 13…..window cleaner falls 47 floors and is alive, Bhutto fall two feet onto sunroof and dies…..Hillary barracked in Iowa, Bill says ‘What Obama’…..banker’s heir stole £1.8m from frail old lady, like father like son….JD Wetherspoon restricts parents in pubs with kids to two drinks each, offers kids 3 for 2 on Breezers….Energy companies accused of being mean with customers over £1billion gas savings, hold up hands, immediately share $100 oil barrel costs with them…..Jamie Oliver wants to break battery eggs, Cecilia Sarkozy wants to spill beans, nobody wants to save Clinton’s bacon….

___________________________________________________________________ (7.1.08)

Credit Crunch: Darling's new survival strategy

"Well you see, this lot on the left were independent and didn't agree with us about Northern Rock, and so we've as it were chopped their balls off, blamed them, and then as is only right and proper, made them advisory only in future. Whereas this lot on the right never had any balls, so we've given them very big balls in a so to speak total responsibility sort of way. So when the next banking balls-up happens, it'll, um, be their fault for not advising us in time. You see, in this job it's all about balls"

______________________________________ (7.1.08)

 

__________________________________________________________ (7.1.08)

Caught airbrushing history again....New Labour's Ministry of Culture has created or amended more than a hundred Wikipedia entries in the last three months. This included a denial that one of its employees (a Mr Winston Smith) had been suspended following his inability to tell three digits from four

Caught taking bungs....Sainsbury potato buyer Hayman trousers three million quid before being reported to the Thin Blue Line.

Caught fiddling expenses again.....This week it was Labour MPs redirecting taxpayers' cash into everything from DFS sofas to small paintings with which to adorn their 'constituency' homes.

 

 

Ali D: 'Many of my colleagues eat Caniletto beans.

Caught cheating again....Cuddly Ken Liverdamage was discovered to have accepted secret donations from well-known hard-Left Trotskyist Gerald Ronson

Ronson......renowned prison reformer not as yet reformed

 

Caught emitting too much hot air....The National Office of Statistics declared last weekend that New Labour's CO2 emission records 'grossly understated the real output levels'

PM.....fucking liar

Number Ten issued the following statement this afternoon:

"We should like to reassure voters by telling them that the Prime Minister's pension is with AIG, and most of his other savings lie in the vaults of Bear Sterns, Alliance & Leicester and the Royal Bank of Scotland. He says this to show solidarity with ordinary voters, in that he is just as naive a tosser as anyone".

---

YOOGUV POLL PUTS CAMERON IN POLE POSITION FOR SNAP POLL

New research suggested at the weekend that were Supposition Leader Dave Camron to learn Polish and become Lech Camrostrinksa he would win more seats than there are in the House of Commons. New Labour would be left with a rump of -231 seats and this would see many senior Ministers forced to head North to try and persuade their own people to vote for them. Among the casualties are expected to be Jock McBalls, Ali McFarthing, Gordooom McBroon, Macbeth, Mac the Knife, McDonalds and John McEnroe

McBalls....overweight disgustingly unpleasant nasty little swot

 

 

 

LIBDEM FOUNDER STEEL CLAIMS 'BLAIR IS NOT ONLY MAD ONE'

 

Former Spitting Image pocket battleship and one-time Liberal leader Lord Steel told the Sundry Mimes at the weekend he had concluded that the Herr Doktor Daffyd Owen the Foreign isn't it should be sectioned under the Delusional Hubris Amendment Act (2oo3) Ltd.

Steel: 'Unable to exhale'

Speaking from his Caledonian Neuroscience Redoubt, the former Aldermaston Sandals Fuhrer declared "Once the NSDAP had fallen apart, poor David developed the obsessive belief that he could save everyone and everything from anything remotely Balkan, Iraqi or North Korean that might happen. He became hyperactive and likely to boil over, rather like a lettle calling a pot black".

 

Lord Daffodil.....suffered from introverted megalomania syndrome

---

TAXPAYERS TO HAVE RIGHT TO RAID COMMONS

Carefully hidden under Alistair Darling's Budget-rubble was a secretly inserted clause enabling tax accountants to storm the Palace of Westminster and seize assets belonging to Self Embezzled MPs, journalists heard today.

The massively extended powers give ordinary taxpayers the right to wake private members from their researchers' beds and demand they explain why Auntie Histhemine has come into money as a result of privately-run funds for the relief of Anti-Kurd Forces in Iraq.

While Lord Archers-Cider told an empty House of Lords that "there is no single shred of evidence that any of the Right Honourable Members are innocent, there is No Smoke without Fire which just happens to be the title of my new bodice-busting block-ripper of a novel available at all good booksellers".

Dame Maggie Splodge.... 'fan of discreet openness'

But Culcher Minister Madge Cheste told Common MPs that "not since What Tiler and his Polish plasterer mates has such a silly idea been put forward, and personally I think Gordon has not so much lost the plot as censored under the new edict of Security Council Gauleiter Braun's Emergency Law for the Protection of People From Themselves.

(18.3.08)

---

 

 

 

IRAQ: 'SECURITY SITUATION NOW MUCH BETTER' SAYS MINISTER IN CHARGE OF SECURITY SITUATION

Iraq.....things now 'much better than last week'

In a remarkable turnaround, Iraq has suddenly been transformed into an entirely wonderful paradise infinitely better than it was before other things happened. Interviewed by BBC24, Sky News, CNN and Blomberg, Mr Ahmed Kurd'zanwai said "The evidence is there for all to see - nobody has been shot in my family for nearly a month - and whether doomsayers like it or not, we have not suffered shock and awe for over five years."

Kurd'zanwai.....seen here relaxing with family

Baghdad lawyer Ms Gu'day Sunnishi'ne agreed. "Since the country was divided into forty-six tunnels, it has been so much easier to get on with everyone. Many of us have mobile phones, MP3 players - and one or two people to ring, plus a few prayers to record on the MP3 players."

American Lieutenant-Colonel Vice-Major in Charge of Ongoing Civilian Population Liaison George Papyrus IV confirmed the good news, explaining "It's kind of obvious going forward that if you, like, wanna stop insurgents, then you gotta have surges. I mean, you gotta fight fire with fire - so what we need right now is all the surges we can get, right? You know - send a surge, stop an insurgency and stuff. So God Bless America."

 

Papyrus....US policy 'right on the money'

UK Minister in charge of the Iraq security situation Neville Chamberpot confirmed in the Commons last Friday that the improving security situation in Iraq meant that both the British decision to withdraw and the US decision to stay had been "entirely vindicated".

---

WHAT DOES NEW McCARTNEY SONG MEAN? ASK FANS

Close analysts of McCartney lyrics were today wondering what hidden meaning there might be behind Sir Paul's new album You fucking pegleg Geordie Bitch.

In particular, fans of the former Beatle debated what underlying meaning there might be behind the album's seventh track It only takes one leg to dig for gold. The lyric attracting most attention so far is

You scrubber you were fuckin' skint

and just another Groupie bint

but now you've gone an' made a mint

I 'ope you fuckin' take the hint

Sir Paul's former arranger Sir George Martin commented "Paul's lyrics are often eliptical, and we can see this yet again on the new album. But on the whole, I think we can safely assume that the album is at least partly about his ex-wife".

Weight is added to the celebrated arranger's view by the front cover of Macca's new LP.

But perhaps the song Sir George is referring to here might be Toon Bike. During this essentially inscrutable track, McCartney sings as follows:

You are a unicycle, I am the walrus, Goo-gook-a-boob

(27.3.08)

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I Mean what's that all about?

As these days we get lots of new visitors to the site (and I fiddle about with the content based on hits information, mood and ideas) it's seems only fair to tell you what the role of each bit is. If you don't think those roles are fulfilled, by the way - or are being duplicated - write to john@johnaward.net and I promise I'll read your content.

First of all, let me introduce the backroom staff here at nby. On the left of this picture sits Lady Arden-Abbatoire III, and on the right Dame Juanetto Kammerling von Pwwwlellwwhhhiiii. We rely on these two products of a working-class incomprehensible education to keep us all in line.

(23.3.08)

---

 

 

TODAY'S RECIPE - Two-lose sausage fricassee

Take 1 grisled old tube of reconstituted jerk-chicken, and 1 roasted trouser snake. Place in hot water

Shake until dead in the water. Then throw away and try something better

Health warning against crucifixion

The Philippines government has issued an Easter public heath warning - on the dangers of crucifixion

(Ananova news agency, Maundy Thursday)

(Easter 2008)

---

Let's wait until spotty feral monsters are chucking bricks through car windows, and then invite them to work with us in a 'non-negotiable' contract to ease them into society's mainstream..... thence on to a life of glittering prizes and good works.

 

I know - I'll go to Iraq and declare undying allegiance to the surge. That should push wavering US voters in my direction, given they don't give a shit about Iraq

(Then go see that guy in England - he looks like he has a future)

Vote McCain and cash in your chips

The AA, RAC and Ministry for Transport would like to make it clear that the roads are going to be busy this Easter. This is mainly because there will be a lot of cars on them, and people in the cars. There will also be a lot of delays on the rail network. This is because the rail owners are fucking stupid.

Let's chuck another £20 billion into markets from the ECB and BoE - there's a problem of trust not liquidity, but we must be seen to be doing something. And as the rate of interest isn't the issue either - I know what - let's cut interest rates again! And you know what? - this'll all be so good for the currency

(Easter 2008)

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Moses dies. Star of Hollywood schlockbuster Tell Cid found dead in two-in-a-bed romp with rifle

Jeux sans Torch: Chinese Olympic Torchure continues - France impounds flame for use in biftek flambe recipes

'I'm not stupid' claims Jowell: Olympic budget custodian praises police and says sport nothing to do with civil liberties. OiGuv Poll shows 99% of voters disagree with all three assertions

Ant & Dec: How affirmative action helped our career. MORE

Zimbabwe: Mugabe orders white farm recount voter headcount best of three double or quits toss you for it solution to crisis

China: Dalai Lama dilemma creates damning dildo dichotomy for de dickheads on IOC

---

 

comrade bob slams europe's sham democracies

Mugobwe....deeper freedom

Lashing his European enemies today, Chief Zimgodme Mubonkers accused British politicians of stealing his identity in an Imperialist plot to sell it on the black market in order to bribe his own loving people to hate him.

Fellow African politicians were relieved at this more measured tone to President Zimbobwe's speech, until Rhodesia's liberator began an attack on Western 'sham' democracies.

"Look" he said to an audience of passing bulldozers, "all you got in dat West is one man one vote, right? But heeyah in Mubabwe, we got one man, one vote AND one Party. Ah meanin', if dat not freedom den what is? Ah even bein' completely open an' tellin' everyone dat de one man wib de one vote am Mr Ooosobatti Indigbutto. It lucky fo' him dat he voted de same way as me who got all de eight million udder votes, so I win. Dat why dis here Tsvangirai am guilty of de treason on account he opposing de will of de one man wib de one vote."

(18.4.08)

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FRANCE BREAKS WIND BARRIER

(20.4.08)

---

us scuba driver in forlorn attempt to rescue sinking british Pm

Unknown Prime Minister drowns in giant wave of syrup

Rescue 'made impossible by crocodile tears'

Talking from the back of his head Sunday morning, Chancellor Allunfair Fartling blamed New Labour's ills on the sub-crime debit-crunch, pointing out "someone seems to have nicked £120 billion of taxpayers' money, but we've no idea who or how."

---

exclusive:

carter tells brown - election lost

Carter Farter-Starter...early-onset naivety victim

Spin Surgeon Mr Even Smarter stunned his boss Gormlous Frown by telling the Prime Minister on his return that the 2009 Election had been mislaid.

Number Ten's Tour Package Supremo allegedly told the PM, "I know I had it when I left home Friday morning, but now I can't find it anywhere. "

A furious Brown immediately killed three secretaries and began biting Carter's nails - but despite his anger, after three days the Election's whereabouts remain unknown. Said Blairite rebel Chuck Plod, "This is a direct result of the lunatic decision to ban Vote Hunting. If we'd just carried on doing fuck-all while smiling, we wouldn't now face this appalling haystack full of lost needles."

Conservatives are certain to needle the Government's Front Bench about the rapidly growing stack, which includes Mr Farthing's lost credibility, Hazel Blear's lost brain, The Labour Left's lost confidence, the Prime Minister's lost conscience, the Budget's lost votes, and Ruth Kelly's lost mind. Sources close to Number Ten's Lost Property Office also confirmed that while on holiday in America, Mr Drown had lost his identity, control of his bowels, and his grip.

 

global problems require global solutions says Jock McCliche

McLacklustre....arthritis

---

government plumps for elegant simplicity to produce 10% solution

Farter....shrewd

The word is out that Gordian's invisible US tour (bizarrely planned to coincide with that of the Pope) was not - as many allege - yet more evidence that Stevie 'Wonder' Carter is vague on the posterior/funny bone arrangement. The trip was (it seems) deliberately planned to hide the fact that the Prime Minister has no international standing whatsoever - by blaming the 'distraction' of the Pope. Right.

---

new tsar cracks down on nutcrackers

By Felix Titling

Plodovitch....Trans-Siberian dresser

New Crackdown Tsar Alexei Plodovitch yesterday got tough with the gangs (dubbed 'Nutcrackers' by the media) currently causing mayhem in our mental health service. "I'm giving these swine notice that I'm putting up lots of notices" he said, adding "The Government is adopting a zero-tolerance attitude towards those who gaily walk around nutting people who are crackers. This could spread, and then where would we be? Ten Downing Street?"

But a spokesperson for Nutcracker Pride refuted the idea of any homosexual connection. "We are not gay uphill gardening bum-bandit fudge-packers" said leading cracker Hadi Bin Sane, "we are against only those who are mad and it is our destiny as members of Nutcracker to nut these people whenever we see them because that is God's punishment and then we shall each have exactly thirty-seven teenage dusky Arab boys as our celestial sex slaves".

Home Secretary Quentin Cheekie moved swiftly to deny the matter was his responsibility. "I'm simply a secretary who works from home" he said "I just can't think why the media keep pestering me and by the way do you think this is my best side?" And so it was left to Plodovitch to draft a new Parliamentary Bill. He told Off Day "Bill has been avoiding the draft for years, but now we have no choice other than to pass a new law about disturbing the disturbed."

Under the proposed legislation, there will be a hidden controlled explosion. And if that doesn't work, all patients in mental hospitals will have notices nailed to their heads saying 'DO NOT DISTURB'. The few patients in sane hospitals will almost certainly avoid any such disturbance.

Headlines in briefs

Boris and Ken in vote-fuelled love-nest shame

Lee Harvey Oswald was Gay, claims new report*

Blair 'may convert to bottoms' says aide

Baden Powell Julius Caesar Liberace Aristotle James Dean Cary Grant

* By Peter Tatchell

---

official:

Scotland gay

I mean let's get real here, what the fuck is that all about? Not just wearing dresses right - but tops off for the boys! Ooooo..

top ten Homo insults

• Shirtlifter
• Turd Burglar
• Queer
• Pink Oboe player
• Fudge-packer
• Amateur proctologist
• Nancy
• Uphill Gardener
• Batter for the other side
• Rear gunner

 

ten things you never knew about homos

• They can't have babies
• They eschew the front-bottom
• They live in toilets
• They're double-jointed
• They all support Fulham
• They don't like footie
• They have horns
• They're a bit peculiar
• They don't like steak
• They all go to Hollywood

Uranus Edition

Printed this morning on a moon of Saturn and do you know we've just got the most divine view here darlings, all these lovely bits circling round Saturn, it makes a boy want to go for a ride on a ring.

Fun on Planet Brokeback

israeli air strike brings middle east to halt

Hostilities in the Middle East came to an abrupt end yesterday as the Israeli Air Force went on strike. Stunned by the development, thirteen out of the twenty-two factions of Jihadist Islam in surrounding Arab countries condemned the action as 'entirely irresponsible in the current climate of mutual genocide', but the other nine were unaware of the strike owing to the noise of their rifles firing upwards into the sky.

 

sort of says it all, really

 

vigil for brown as pm goes missing

By Felix Titling

Friends of Prime Minister Gordon Brown were described as 'increasingly concerned' last night by his disappearance following PMQs in the House of Commons last Wednesday.

Speaking to the media yesterday afternoon, Chief Inspector Brinsley Prisoner paid tribute to the missing man, saying he "was a stranger to many people and the truth, but would never have hurt a fly if he couldn't get away with it".

Gordon (the presenter of UKtv's Vision programme) had been increasingly depressed in recent weeks after meeting with various opinionated Poles who told him, "Listen chum, you so crap we all goink home".

A candlelit vigil will be held in the home of Mrs Edna Truculent tomorrow night.

No flowers just yet, please.

result of human race in doubt

Bush...pondering future

By 'Tipster'

It was a photo-finish for last place this week as the Human Race came to an end.

Battling on stoically for the honour of coming in at the rear, bankers, Rupert Murdochs, lawyers, African leaders, Tony Blairs, accountants, DJs, celebrity chefs, soccer stars and Arab Harrods owners finally had to admit defeat and accept that the American President was utterly and totally last.

But a stewards' enquiry later announced "We have an ongoing definitional problem going forward at this moment in time, in that President Bush failed a dope test after the race. He was disqualified for using all four limbs at once as a means of unfairly travelling in entirely the wrong direction."

(2.5.08)

---

Seb: Hoodies smashing phone boxes, Marky - big problem.

Mark: Top thinking Sebbo. Er, just run 'phone box' by me again - is that, like, a broadband digibox conversion for ISDN multiple wireless knowledge sharing?

S: No, it's a box in the street where people make phone calls. Poor people, pensioner people - you know, Old Labour stuff.

M: Right. Got you - on the same page now bruv. How about....an ASBO?

S: ASBO's a bit yesterday Marky. Also, these Hoodies they, um, collect ASBOs. It's like a cult.

M: Wow! Cult brand eh? We did a good job there. Brand extensions! How about Anti-Social Death Authority....ASDA....?

S: It's brave Bruv, but Gordon's not keen. You know - it was Tony's....

M: ...Got you - not invented here, right?

S: Top darts, Mark. We need to put ASBOs in the learning pouch and move on.

M: Right. Parents! Name and shame the parents?

S: The parents come out of focus groups as zero shame-bearers, Marky.

M: Fine the parents?

S: Treasury feedback's a bit off-message on that one, chum - costs a hundred million to send out the fines, but Hoodies' daddies don't pay them.

M: Jail the parents?

S: Jails are in a critical space assessment review situation. We're on the case of more prisons, but stalled by the money supply.

M: Set fire to the parents?

S: Good thought Bruv, but it's not the one - got to cut the carbon footprint down to size.

M: Christ....see what you mean Seb. Bit of a toughie this one. Any thoughts yourself?

S: Well.....I had a few moments in the Zil this morning, and I've got a feeling we may be looking through the wrong end of the tree on this one.

M: Cool.....you mean sort of, go for the load-bearing fruit?

S: Could be, could be - hard to tell. I'm talking major SWOT analysis....looking at the roots rather than the branches.

M: Roots?

S: Yes Mark. They're long windey things that grow under trees. The branches are just the tip of the iceberg.

M: Icebergs?

S: They're lettuces bruv - less tasty than Romaine Rosso, but I don't do education, that's Balls. What I'm saying is, we have to go outside the box on this one.

M: Outside the phone-box?

S: In a manner of speaking, yes. See, fact is kidder, we don't really know who the parents of these Hoodies are, let alone where they are - and the Hoodies probably don't either. Thing is, they're a tricky target audience - hard to find.

M: Surely we know the Hoodies are in the phone box smashing it up?

S: No, no....their parents, mate - hard to target, impossible to punish.

M: Right. And we've got to have people to punish.

S: On the money there, Marky - so I thought.....maybe look at the total 'phone boxes in streets' gestalt.

M: What, punish the phone boxes? Aren't the Hoodies already doing that for us?

S: Yes, yes.....but think lateral - suppose there aren't any more phone boxes left to smash?

M: That's a big idea from a big brother. No phone boxes, no problem.....

S: Fewer upkeep costs for BT....

M:...bigger dividends for the shareholders...

S:....and no votes lost by us.

M: Great. Er....hang on a minute Sebbo, have you missed some dogshit on the critical path there?

S: How so?

M: Well, I mean - you know, these old and poor people. I mean...they won't have phone boxes any more, right?

S: Mark, look - do you know anyone who uses phone boxes?

M: I don't even know any phone-boxes, Seb.

S: Correct. Do you know anyone who gives a shit about people who use phone boxes?

M: Antique dealers?

S: Apart from antique dealers.

M: Nope.

S: Well there you are. We'll appoint a phone-box Tsar.

M: To crack down on telephone boxes?

S: Correct. And get Health & Safety to declare them unsafe.

M: I'm seeing 'New Labour to wipe out big street safety threat'.

S: Great. Get onto it Marky.

M: Will do. Bruv, why do these, um, hoodies smash up phone boxes.

S: Sorry?

M: Well - you know - hoodies. What, as it were, makes them want to render phone boxes useless?

S: How should I know? What am I, some kind of social worker?

M: No, no....but, I mean, maybe we could do some research....ask them why they, er, do it.

S: Where've you been the last six months Marky?

M: Er....mostly Thurferford West. It's a marginal you see - have to keep in well with the voters, God bless 'em....

S: Heard there's a credit crunch on have you?

M: Yes, but...

S: Mark, how can we possibly waste money on more focus groups when Northern Rock cost us more in a month than the bloody NHS does in a year?

M: Did it?

S: I should say so. Well, I don't say so otherwise we'd get lynched...but even so, this is the new reality, Bruv.

M: It is?

S: You bet: tighten belts, backs against the wall, close ranks...

M:...open bowels...

S:....and make sure those Tory bastards don't get in and throw away everything we've created.

M: I hadn't thought of it like that. Where would I be without you Sebbo?

S: In a special needs home, Mark.

M: You're not going to send me back there are you brother?

S: Not if you do as I tell you.

M: Do I really have to do that again?

S: No Marky, not today - just get onto the smashed-up phone boxes crack-down project.

M: I'm on the ball, Seb.

S: Good. Now get on the case - and Mark?

M: Uhm?

S: Take the Watford strip off before you leave.

M: Right-ho......

(March 2008)

---

Steve Richards in The Independent:

 

'Currently, a fatal narrative is in place. It can be summarised in three words: "Brown is a disaster"'

Er, that's four words Steve

---

 

crisis in crime: asbos dropped

Crimestopper Wacky Jacqui Smith tried hard to laugh off the ASBO disaster last week, but there was no disguising the fact that she had dropped Tony Blair's favourite ornament.

She told a press conference for the launch of Labour Initiatives Week, "I was just dusting it and it slipped out of my fingers. It was a simple accident, but life goes on and we shall be replacing it with The Framing Game, a new TV-based approach whereby everyone will be fitted up for beastly behaviour and then shamed, after which I thought we'd, you know, see how it goes and then have a shot at something else. Or perhaps somebody else."

For those New Labour initiatives in full, go to the Initiatives Fair

---

zimbabwe election run-off monitor counts opposition votes

---

surveillance cameras - new evidence on failures

---

Advertiser's announcement

CEO Viktim Bandit says:

"hurry on down to the great brick lane citiboot sale!! £250 billion worth of top-quality assets must go!!"

Just look at these must-have bargains:

* 2,300 overpaid berks

*723,00 leveraged loans

*42,966 complex debts

* 987,000 structured investments

* 2300 overmortgaged houses

new books this week

A Study in Hard Water by the Viagra Falls Development Association

My Life as a Bed by Jack Valance

Dandelion & Murdoch: A homoaeopathic analysis of News Corporation

The Buck Stops here by Ben Benanke

Falling behind the Blitzkrieg by Heinz Ketchup

Biting Tooth & Nail by Gordon Brown

Rock 'n' Rice in the 1950s by Basmati Wilde*

*Requires birth date prior to 1954 to understand

---

barmy darzi army seek to allay fears over overhaul overpromise in nhs overhaul khazi

Darzi..."How the fuck did I...."

Westminster, Fleet St, Canary Wharf, BBC News not 24 and the Sodbury Medical Journal were in a state of fury last night as Government sources revealed that Lord Darzi planned to overhaul the previous NHS overhaul in order to help everyone forget the overhaul before that.

Lord Marzipan promised that this hauling over the coals thing would be "purely in the interests of the NHS users, especially those rendered unhinged by the previous six overhauls and currently being cared for in the community".

But in a separate development, overhaulier Patrician Whoizzit told passing vagrants "This is a fragrant attempt to suggest that during my triumphal regeneration of your crappy Pommie Health Service, something went wrong. This is an appalling slur upon my complete incompetence, and I shall be reviewing my position re the ongoing nature of this abuse going forward".

(12.5.08)

---

 

As Mr Gotaspare Farthing steers the ship of state serenely through the insignificant squalls that lie ahead, an awful realisation is slowly dawning in the mind of this prudent Scottish genius......

brown lightens up

'My Government has not run out of ideas'

'How can the Prime Minister possibly make such an assertion?'

'Because we never had any in the first place...hahahahahaha...gotcha!'

---

New hybrid embryo: first picture

(Forecast to win Nantwich & Crewe off Labour)

---

johnson looks to make london more famous

Boris....zero trolley-cars

Skipping easily between Old and New Boris, London mayor Johnson stunned his audience at today's press conference. He used water cannon and rubber bullets as a means of demonstrating how effective such things can be in a zero-tolerance strategy going forward.

Once stunned, the audience sat quietly as the new Mayor told them of his plans to make London 'more approachable' to tourists around the world.

"Many big cities have an affectionate nickname, but we don't. New York is called The Big Apple, there's Gay Paree, Chicago is The Windy City and Rome is the Eternal City. So I'm announcing today that my top team will be working on a jolly good name for London too."

Sources close to the Mayor suggested that among the names being considered in City Hall are 'Tory-on-Thames', 'The Big Blond' and the Mayor's own personal favourite, 'Borisopolis'.

---

new history out this week

The Ubiquity of Iniquity in Antiquity

by Soddom O'rll Stewpid

---

Three Very Brave Men Indeed Golly were they Ever Brave

By Cyclops, A Gentleman

1. Gordon Brown 2. The Prime Minister 3. The Leader of the Labour Party

---

Look, hey - what are you all worried about?

CJ...complete jerk

If you haven't seen BBC2's attempt to keep standards high-brow on the channel, then it's time you caught up with Eggheads.

It's a terrific format. The challengers win roughly twice a decade, the Eggheads' ability to patronise viewers makes Richard Madeley look sensitive, and there's a uniquely unpleasant plonker on their team, CJ. CJ is to television what GordonBrown is to man management.

Anyway, ITV's new(ish) acquisition Tsarina Dawn Airey loves it - so last October she bought the production company Twelve Yard for her employers.

Ms Airhead snapped up the indie producer in a deal worth up to £35m.

Dawn hailed 12 Yard as "an iconic hit machine" and said further acquisitions would follow.

When it comes to how telly works these days, I get the same feelings I had about banks two years ago: how can these numbers possibly work?

ITV have effectively stumped up thirty-five million quid for an outfit which (ok, fair do's, it has a good track record in, er, game shows) didn't actually produce anything for them as yet, as such. They could commission or buy a programme off these folks for a tiny fraction of that amount.

Of course, they'll call it 'upstream diversification'. But for £35million, ITVcould pay the salaries of some extremely fecund employees for the best part of fifteen years.

Only, they'd then have to take a risk on any new ideas they came up with. And suits don't do risk these days.

(19.5.08)

---

 

Page 1 Stuff

---

Little David and his Miliband of Men

based on the classic novel by Chattryn Klasses

With the wicked Gordian of Knotingham stealing from the poor to give to the rich,

David hides in the Greenwood of Haverstock Hill with his outlaw Miliband of Brownnoses. Together they plot the downfall of Gordian Our Greatest Ever Monocular.

Edward A'Brother

"Hold hard" says Edward A'Brother, "Why do we plot against Gordian the Brown? Are we not The Brownoses?"

Little David patronises Edward with a thin smile. "Edward" he explains, "as Maid Maggie once said, 'Where there is discord, we must bring harmony'. We must become The Brownnoses for Blair".

"But Blair's Legacie Castle lies empty my Liege" says Edward, "For he is away at the Crusades - and his faithful servant Little John is become a Bulimic Monk illustrating Holy Texts."

"How little you know", observes small Jimmy 'Riddle' Scarlet

a loner known in the Miliband as Prince Purnell de Pissant, who dresses in green because red is out of fashion, "For it is precisely the absence of Tony of Sedgefield that will allow us to wrest power from Gordian McSnake."

"Hurrah!" cries Edward, "And then give all the money back to the poor!"

Friar FuckEd

"Don't be a prick" says Friar FuckEd, the foul-mouthed Monk with Prescott's Syndrome, "We've little enough gold as it is. And anyway, the Poor will only waste it on Lotteries and such like trivia. No, we will keep the money for good causes".

"Hurrah!" cries Edward A'Brother, "And who pray shall be lifted from peasant poverty by this fine action?"

"Us!" shout the other three in unison, "All for us or none at all!"

But unbeknown to The Miliband of Men, David A'Toffmoron has gathered an army, and is heading quickly south-east from the Battle of Nantwich, where the armies of Tamsin Dunstandin' have been routed.....

nimrod labour was never airworthy says coroner

Nimlab 1.....lightweight glider

________

Much-hyped aeroplane 'showed no sign of having engines' claims prosecuting counsel

________

by our Special Correspondent Nick 'Dambuster' Clegg

 

In a shock verdict today, Crown Coroner Cavedin Dammerung told Nimrod Labour that the vessel in which the new Party was launched should never have been allowed to take off.

"Despite the bravery of former kite-flier Wing Commander Tony 'Teflon' Flair" said Justice Dammerung, "He was forced to bale out after a marathon flight and leave the remaining crew to their inevitable fate".

Prosecuting Counsel Vinny Kabul told a packed courtroom, "The co-pilot Mr Gormless Frown had only ever before monitored the fuel level. Suddenly, he found himself in the hot seat, upto his neck, out of his depth, under the cosh, and overpromoted. The rest is mystery."

The Court heard how hapless bombadier Johnny Fatgut had 'dropped like a stone' after baling out minus his parachute in order to reduce excess weight.

Giving evidence in relation to the final disastrous moments of Nimlab One, navigator Flight Sgt Ally 'Jocks Away' Darling told how he had obeyed the co-pilot's orders until "the waves were two inches below my feet", at which point he gambled everything on a daring plan to become a submarine.

The Coroner praised Sergeant Darling's lunacy, adding "Had it not been for Nimlab's lack of engines (and some fucking great big holes in the fuselage) the crew might well have been saved. But to his credit, Darling legged it just before impact to take a desk-job with Lehman Brothers".

The case continues.

---

by-election message very clear says pm

Speaking from his Alpine Redoubt, New Labour leader Gordolf Braun said that the Battle of Nantwich had only further convinced him that the people 'want me to carry on and see this through until I'm completely humiliated. Like a dreamer, I walk towards my destiny'.

His voice immediately recognisable as that of the Fuhrer, our beloved Monocular One spoke of his tiredness in trying to help the Englische Volk rise to greatness, and the Scottische Folk to rise even higher if possible. Referring obliquely to the 10p tax abolition, he said 'Those responsible are already hanging by piano-wire. I will not be distracted from my historic path towards a vision, for I know that the vast majority of my subjects would share this vision if only I knew what it was'.

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gordvram brant fired as new chelsea lose 37-0 on penalties

Brant.....tired, dull and wet

Unable to follow The Special One Tonay Blairinho, the West London club's boss found himself out of a zzzzzz

( 26.5.08)

 

bbc budget overspend breach of trust says head of bbc trust

Amazing two-headed turtle Sir Michael Lyons told a stunned and confused world yesterday that, in his job as OIC keeping an eye on BBC budgets, he had successfully shown that the review had failed to the tune of 36 million quid.

"Our review has found that financial oversight has not been sufficiently effective" he said (through the back head), "and is a clear example of how robust scrutiny by the BBC's governing body works for the benefit of those who pay for and own the BBC," he added (through the front head).

Sir Michael is one of the oldest turtles in captivity. Accused for many years of talking through his arse, the BBC Watchturtle underwent a cosmetic second headoctomy last year. He was flanked by two men in white coats during the presentation. But Lord Birt later commented, "I just don't know what all the ongoing fuss is about going forward - everyone knows that an oversight has to be utter and total before it can be effective, and as Sir Michael's oversight on website costs was universally zero, it seems to me he has done a positive job."

Editor's note: Sadly, the Lyons illiteracy and illogic is entirely genuine

Downing Street staff's amazing new ear extinguisher breakthrough

__________________________

PM 'delighted with results'

_____________________________

 

This is the end, surely?

I would imagine there's no place left to go now for The Trouser Snake - except possibly to a funny farm somewhere for a brief stay - say, thirty years or so. The execrable nature of advice being given to the bloke is positively awesome in its obviously puerile ability to first of all irritate (by having 'what do you take me for?' attached to it) and then make one laugh nervously.

My mole re this one remains tight-lipped as to whether the advice is emanating from the bottom of Carter the Farter, or if poor Stephen is simply unable to get a glimmer of reality to shine through the Scottish Play's coterie. But in the end it matters not: when some clown in short trousers told the Prime Minister it would be a good idea to phone the electorate one by one, Our Leader took the advice. And then rang someone at six am for God's sake.

There are a million gags in this (if you missed nby's yesterday, they're at Gordathon) and I've no doubt we shall add some as the week progresses - unless things deteriorate further and he enters the Miss World contest or something. But it's getting to the stage now where I'm seriously considering mercy: I mean, at the moment it feels like beating up a mentally-disabled three-legged kitten writing this stuff.

During the 1980s, ITV specialised in screening duff satirical sitcoms - and much later Mr Hilsop's effort was also pretty dire. But I'd wager none of the writers involved ever for one second thought 'I know, let's have a PM so PR illiterate and desperate, he starts ringing up real electors and asking them what they think and then telling them fear not, for I am the one to get us out of this mess'.

Dear oh dear oh dear. (What really terrifies me is, I bet when they first heard about it, Cameron's Cads thought 'Damn - why didn't we think of that?')

 

(1.6.08)

 

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cameroon loses head

Conservative HQ was in uproar just outside Upminster last night as the news leaked that Leader Avid Macaroon had lost his head.

---

official:

cameron hair-brained

Despite denials last night, nby can exclusively reveal that Opposition Leader David Macaroon has undergone an operation to replace his brain with hair. The prodecure has been carefully hidden week by week, but is revealed in the telling pictures above, which show quite clearly how a false parting has been used to hide the removal of his cerebral tissue and its subsequent replacement by follicles.

BROWN,TREASURY, BANK OF ENGLAND AND DARLING ECONOMIC FORECASTS UTTER AND COMPLETE TWADDLE HINTS OECD REPORT

A fall in property prices of around 10 per cent by the end of 2009 will slow Britain’s growth rate significantly and make the economy more vulnerable than most to the global credit crisis, the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development said last night.

It puts the blame for the budgetary weakness firmly at the government’s door. “While ongoing economic weakness in 2009 would argue against fiscal restraint, the government’s options have been limited by excessively loose fiscal policy in past years when economic growth was strong,” the report added.

Note for new readers: over the last three months, the Prime Minister has said on 291 separate occasions that (a) the economic slowdown will be slight (b) we are better equipped than most to come through it and (c) it's all down to lots of unpleasant thinbgs out there in the world that isn't here and thus not his fault in any way, shape or form. (Late flash: Blair agrees. Case proven)

---

BBC news website:

'Drug strategy for Scotland unveiled'

'Stephen's been this way ever since he began working with the PM'

---

'Say what you like about Gordon Brown, he's the kind of bloke that makes life worth leaving'

brandford and bingley chief:

Crawshaw.....problem

the sort of thing to give anyone a dodgey ticker

By our Banking Correspondent Nat West

 

(2.6.08)

---

Guardian: Children in poverty - numbers rising

 

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Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel

Nobody is entirely sure any more what windmills are turning or being tilted at in the minds of bankers, finance ministers, market makers and Bourses around our troubled world at the moment, but one thing's for sure: the impression being given is that nobody at the top has the remotest idea what to do - or even of late, how to do it.

The initial spin having failed either to calm nerves or make roosting chickens disappear, the roulette wheel was spun with everything on rate cuts and spending boosts Black.

Now it seems the central bankers, wankers and Ben Benankes are about to spin the wheel again, this time with all the remaining money on rate rises and anti-inflation Red.

'Faites vos jeux' is what one almost expects to hear at any second; but this has to be the final turn of the wheel: there are no colours left, and no other directions in which a turning circle can go.

Perhaps the roulette wheel is a bad analogy: perhaps a whirlpool is the better one - with ever decreasing circles leading inevitably down the plug-hole.

Those who got us into this mess of course - the goforits, the legacy-seekers, the target-setters, the new paradigmers - will by and large retire to lick such wounds as they have sustained in relative comfort.

Such bandits range from Five-Houses Blair (working for JP Morgan), Three Wars Bush (with all of Daddy's lovely oil money) Two-Jags Prescott (selling his book rights) and One Brain-cell Applegarth (£750,000 as a leaving present from Northern Rock).

As nby predicted a year ago, we are heading inevitably for stagflation: the double-whammy in which prices climb higher while everyone gets poorer.

It would be refreshing if the financial and political leaders of the West admitted this - and got down to the serious task of preparing us all for it while reforming the system to ensure it never happens again.

Yeh,right.

---

A BANKER SPEAKS

No 1: Mervyn King

“During my second term as Governor I would like to see us establish a framework for financial stability that is on as sound a footing as the one we have successfully established for monetary stability,” Mr King said in a speech to the British Bankers Association’s annual conference.

(8.6.08)

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"Don't know about you Algie, but I thought the MI5 stuff was a bit below par today"

---

queen smells like dead fish says mackfrenzy after receiving obe

Mel....making spectacle of himself by mastering which way to wear glasses

"Her Majesty - phworrr!" quipped Melvin Kackfrenzy after receiving his Order of the Bloated Ego at Buckingham Palace. Earlier he told the residents of Hull that they should slit their wrists or move away, after explaining to Gordon Brown what a complete see you next Tuesday his Dad was, but not before Liverpudlians were dismissed as 'fucking child-murdering retards whose main recreation is pissing on dead coppers'. He plans to take on 'that sleazy paedophile David Davis' in the Haltemprice & Howden by-election, and kicked off his softly-softly campaign by telling Andrew Marr 'What fucking big ears you've got you lazy skiving Jock - they're almost as daft as the name of this Tyke constituency I'm fighting on behalf of Rupe!"

MACKENZIE DECLARATION: DAVIS PANICS

Late Flash - Mackenzie: 'I may not stand if it looks like I won't win'

---

SPLIFF'S AMAZING CONFESSION: BROWN 'JUST A STUNT'

Home Sec Jackal Stiff.....Brown as PM 'a farcical stunt that went wrong'

Fresh from slapping a 42-Day detention order on 136 Labour MPs travelling north to back David Davis, Miss Wacko Spliff told Woman's Hour this afternoon that Gordon Brown's accession to the office of Prime Minister "was a bid for legacy by Tory Blair that went badly wrong and turned into a farce".

Holding back the tears of laughter, she explained to a stunned Kirsty Wark how Tony Blair had resigned to fight his Sedgefield consituency on the issue of Anyone But Gordon And Why Not Me Forever After All?

"But then it all went pear-shaped" blurted out Skewiff, "Because Mr Brown took over and nobody would stand against him and then nobody noticed anything had changed, especially as Gordon went up and down the country saying he had changed and was really just another Tony after all. Then Tony landed the job at JP Morgan and that was that."

Asked by Wistful Cork when exactly things turned sour, Miss Spiffing whispered "Well, the first sign was when God sent a flood. Then the Northern Rock no-money accident happened, followed by a credit crunch, a housing collapse, the 10p tax disaster, oil-price rises and....well, it was awful, because you see Gordon is....no good. I fact he's so entirely shit that even that little slimeball Miliband would be an improvement, said a source close to me."

Carter collapses on news - P. 2,971. Sky collapses on New Labour - P's 3- 2,970. Drunken Sun hack collapses on pavement - back page. FTSE collapses on Tuesday - Editor's amazing claim, P 2.

*************

Total number of stunts in Government 'massively underestimated' says new report

The Department of Statistics Contradicting What Gordon Says claimed yesterday that the number of stunts in New Labour has been 'hugely underscored' recently. Speaking from the safety of his secret redoubt at 36, Ilebee Avenue, Hull, senior sums supremo Tenby Fore said "Although the impression may have been given that the Conservatives have a 16 point lead on farcical stunts, the level of New Labour cunning stunts has been ignored by Government statisticians." Top figures man Tenby continued "When you add together sideshows, window-dressing, distractions, stunts, farces, affirmative inactions and ASBOs, the New Labour administration is way ahead."

Welcoming the news, Olympian Budget Tsarina Jessie Towel said "This just goes to show that our policy of farces run by stunts has been a great success and looks on target to halve NHS hygiene by 2012".

ARE YOU A FARCE OR A STUNT? DO OUR SIMPLE QUIZ TOMORROW AND FIND OUT

By email: nby reader Denise Bolsh writes, 'I think my husband Marty might be a stunt. He farces all the time and then giggles. Is this normal?'

Editor's response: No Denise, your husband is an arsehole. Also you may well be a convicted Spoonerist.

oilco's aND TREASURY SHOCKED BY strike BLOW TO CONSUMERS

 

On the back of soaring oil prices, Shell is now making £1.3bn profit a month.

Shell's chief executive was paid £4.5m last year as average boardroom salaries increased 16%. The drivers have been offered 7%.

So, um, now you know who to blame for the empty gas stations.

On the back of soaring oil prices, the Brownshirts made £505 million by mid-May 2008, and will make just short of £850 million by the end of July EVEN if the oil-price stabilises.

They take 70p in the £ of the price in tax - but can't afford to lower it because they're skint.

So, um, now you know who to blame for the high prices.

This message was brought to you by the Stamp on Kelvin Mackenzie's Bollocks Tendency

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Davis and Cameron 'having Gay affair' claims aide

DD and DC...ACDC?

Moving swiftly to deny any question of a rift between Master of the Universe Daffodil Macaroon and David thingummy, new Shadow Home Secretary Dominic Grievous-Bodiliharm told startled strangers this morning, "The best way to scotch this not very true rumour is to let you all in on their little secret: David is pregnant, and Cammers is proud to be the father. There. Now shut up and go away you ghastly little people".

GBH...denies being Cameron clone

---

HEAVYWEIGHT BLEARS WEIGHS IN

Assistant Deputy Token Hazy Bleary told newsmen (and women, mind) this morning that "the voters of wherever that place in Yorkshire is deserve more choice than just a clapped-out Tory ferret and a fat scribbler of Right-Wing Tory tabloid tosh. The lack of anyone good shows just how crap the Tories are,what with all the resignation stuff and that."

But leading Hazy away to a 42-day re-education programme, David Rubberband said she was "just a bit off-message there because we hadn't acually told her that the election in whatsitsname is such a farcical stunt that we think the candidates should just be left to stew in their own juice. Our advice to voters is 'Just Say No', although of course this doesn't mean we don't want to lick Uncle Rupert all over".

(16.6.08)

---

HIGH FINANCE

Darling points finger on inflation

 

Darling...borassic

Unusually dull even for a Scot Chancellor Alistair Dalek rounded on the British people yesterday and laid the blame squarely for inflation at their door.

"It's all your fault" he told them, "After all, you're the ones paying these prices. If you'd all stood together and said 'no' to these ridiculous price increases, we wouldn't be in this mess. As it is, having been weak, you can't have any pay increases because it's not my job to bail you out."

Warming to his theme, Mr Carling told the voters "We can't possibly go back to the way things were in the 1970s when, um, another Party with a very similar name to ours let inflation get out of hand and everyone voted for Margaret Cameron. Mind you, 3.3% is not very significant compared to 946% which is what inflation was in Argentina in 1952."

Asked whether anyone would have a job in 2009, Mr Galling said "As long as people refuse to pay high prices, it won't matter whether they have a job or not."

The Treasury later confirmed that the Chancellor is called Alistair Darling, and not Salvador Dali as some at the press conference had imagined.

---

Darling's bank manager strikes slightly different note

"The man's an idiot" said Mervyn Swing under his breath, "and if you think I'm leaving inflation up to the great unwashed, then you must be Hazel Blears or something"

pm talks tough on blame and responsibility

Calls for end to witch-hunt culture in UK

Clown....always right (18.6.08)

 

---

 

Islamic leaders in Europe call for their religion to be shown 'more respect'

 

"Alroit den, if it's a foit yer want..."

 

The new guide for travellers in Europe is released

'Forward to a United Europe'

(Nazi propaganda poster,1940)

New round of negotiations in Zimbabwe

(23.6.08)

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IT'S OFFICIAL: MACFRENZY SCORES ZERO ON MARBLES AND BALLS

Melvin....willy-size claims questioned

Mr Cavein Mackenzie buckled yesterday under the intense media pressure surrounding his 90% certainty of standing against David Thingummy.

"Fuck it" he quipped, "Who cares about Hypeduppiece & Howling anyway? Silly little bastard - now he'll have only himself to beat hahahahahaha."

The shock turnaround from 90% in to 100% out came shortly after a Newscorp Opinion Poll suggested that 280% of voters thought Mr McMurdoch was a gigantic lump of ordure-flavoured lard.

"Say what you like" bellowed McKleinewilly, "It was a cunning stunt". The National Spoonerism League declared this "a complete reversal of the facts".

---

mbeki adopts tough line with mugabe

Mbeki...Confused with someone who etc etc

Speaking from the safety of the Treetops Bent Bastard Presidential Retinue Trough & Sex Home near Knysna last night, South African hero Mealymouth Beaky issued his sternest warning yet to Comrade Robert Zimgobwe of Mugbabwe.

"Bobby ma man" he growled, "Stop dis heeyah killin' an' juss stick to de riggin' of de votes, only whitey gettin' a bit pre-menstrual 'bout all dese dead folks".

Zuma...crooner turned ruler

In desperation, the international community turned to Crook-elect Mr Jacob Zumsin'-Surelywronghere, but he too was said to have 'disappointed' Divvy Rubberband by "ignoring the long letter I sent him begging for some help, just a sign - anything..."

Mr Zoomtotop allegedly told close aides that as a former resistance ally in the Glorious Armed Struggle er, won by Mandela without firing a shot, Mr Mugabe had "dug deep into de Swiss account to help de boyzz, an' also he's black, so we got to ensure he gets de affirmative action".

Things looked better Thursday as the BBC website ran the headline 'AFRICA TURNS UP HEAT ON MUGABE'.

The heat was as follows: Tanzanian Foreign Minister Bernard Membe, said mounting violence "could make a free vote impossible on account of how anyone gonna get to de pollin' stations if they havin' to climb over all dese bodies or even worse dey is dead?"

French Europe Minister Jean-Pierre Jouyet: "I don't think you can say the treaty of Lisbon is dead even if the ratification process will be delayed."

German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter: "We are sticking with our goal for it to come into force. The ratification process must continue."

Spanish Europe Minister Lopez Garrido: "The treaty will be applied, albeit a few months late."

European Commission President Jose Barroso: "The Treaty is not dead. The Treaty is alive, and we will try to work to find a solution."

British Foreign Minister David Miliband: "18 countries have now passed the reform treaty...each country must see the ratification process to a conclusion... there needs to be a British view as well as an Irish view."*

*This one is a belter given that Avid Rubberband told a couple of mates last Sunday, "No - the treaty's dead - we've all got to get used to it". Or not.

---

Prezzer back in rehab after pie lapse

Courageous bulimia victim and former desktop fornicator John Pressgut caught on camera by Heat magazine after a binge at fast-food chain Eat all the Pies.

Those who have read his book My struggle to stop being a greedy Bar-stweard remain confused about the exact form of Mr Fleshpot's eating disorder. Bulimics being typified by a concern about their weight coupled with a desire to pig out and then vomit, he seems to have been prone to all these factors,up to but not including the 'losing weight' part.

His other afflictions included jagophilia, landgraboli, jollymania and Bitosexia.

---

DD IN MELVYN BRAGG WEBSITE ENIGMA

Freedom-fighter David Davis kicked off his web-viral campaign with typical bravery by allowing himself to be photographed in his Melvyn Bragg persona. Said a spokesman for DD's campaign, "David is intrigued that the somewhat unhinged Andy Burnham sees him as Mr Legover, and decided that to look a bit rakish and totty-shagger, he should have a Melvynover." (Also note attractive shoulder-growths. Ed.)

(24.6.08)

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the week in pictures

Mugabe in lost-sleep trauma as wicked Queen Liz strips him of Knighthood. What with this and Andy Burnham on the case of banning future cricket tours, we can be sure that Bobby is about to cave in

McCartneys fight on as 3.2million witnesses see nothing

Best of friends Hills and Barack ignore each other smilingly for the crowds

Ian King takes on the role of stopping BaE's runway slush problem

It's Lizzie again, less than pleased about having no dosh for domestic upkeep. The Royals now cost us 66p a year all up - the bargain of the century as the New Labour bill is currently at £2,760 and rising

The most unpredictable break-up in celeb history as Guy and Madge split. No problems dividing the furniture, cutlery and ornaments, as they're all broken anyway

(27.6.08)

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World Exclusive:

sensational tory/labour anti-davis plan revealed

With just twelve days to go until the Haltdemprices & Howsohigh by-election, nby has learned from a person who is in a position to know oh alright then Andy Burnham that a unique and sinister deal has been completed between Mr Daffodil Macaroon and the Prime Minister Gordon Bennett to cheat the all-new squeaky clean and generally fab People's Champion David Deydon'tlikeitupem of his inalienable and preordained right to rid Olde England of for fuck's sake can we have some punctuation soon please?

Mr Burnboats told us "The idea is so clever even William Hague could understand it. In case you hadn't noticed, there's a lot of people with silly Parties and names standing well you'll never guess but they're all out-takes from Tory and Labour candidate selection lists well what it is is we're going to nominate 38,231 of them in the end and thus ensure that Davies loses because every daft candidate always gets one vote but Davis isn't daft and so he's the odd one out with none. It's brrirriant, am I right?"

Davis...keen to see size of Cameroon willy

 

Harman in two-way fair pay level playing-field anti-negative affirmative unfairness drive

HarmaMan....confused

---

And finally, just when you thought it was safe to watch the telly...

Chicken Kiev 2 Champignons de Paris 0

Salade Niceoise 0 Spaghetti Bolognese 4

Dover Sole 3 Abroath Smokies 1

Wiener Schnitzel 0 Chicken Madras 0

Kentucky Fried Chicken 1 Hamburger 6

Sauce Hollandaise 3 Pommes Liegeoises 2

Bombay Duck 2 Peking Duck 5

International Friendly

Amy in more trouble as Mandela audience wiped out

Performing well throughout a set last night, troubled rock starlet Amy Winelake blotted her copybook at the end of the Nelson Mandela 90th 90th birthday event by suddenly exploding a small nuclear family over the heads of the crowd, killing everyone present. Officials at the Priory later described her condition as 'upset'.

---

NICE to speed up drugs rationing

Clinical Excellence shylock Sir Lancelot Nice promised tomorrow that more drugs would be available to be kept from patients more quickly than before. More rugs would also be available for people spending the night on A&E trolleys.

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Motty's retirement marred by oil-price slur

As 62 year-old national treasure John Motson prepared to make his last commentary during the Spain v Germany Euros final tonight, Gordon Brown stunned the veteran simile-strangler this morning by declaring him to be "largely to blame for rising oil prices".

Said the PM earlier, "I have spoken at some length with my colleagues Ben Bernanke, Mr Chow, George W Bush and the Saud family, and I can categorically smear that Motson is at the head of an international oil-ring dedicated to my downfall".

Commenting on the remarks, a stunned Motty asked "Good gracious me Mark, whaddya make athat?"

---

Scottish MP 'bought paradise island with environment budget'

Sweaty Sock Labour leader Wendy Alexander denied she had bought Mustique with the country's environment budget, but added "Noo avv resigned an' tharrt, ah'm lookan forrad ter ma holidez Jammy."

---

Ronaldo, Lampard in dazzling moves

Lampshade...picks nose

MacDonaldo...shirtfaced again

---

Speaker expelled from House for spitting

More drama on Channel Bore as tax-money embezzler and undercarpet sweeper Rab Troughsit is ejected from the unreality show Big Smother.

(29.6.08)

---

 

PC schism as christian correction front purges counter-revolutionary lackeys

__________________________

Jesus Benders insist that rump of Gays will form Western Unorthodox Nonconformist Rhythm Methodists

_____________________________

South Americans insist on hot poker up bottom for cassock-lifters as Rowan Williams backs alliance with Muslims

As the homophobic Bishop Von Ausland of Innsbruck ordered the burning of seven screaming Nancy-boys yesterday, the Pederasts Christian Correction Front backed itself against the wall and condemned the 'mad ecumenical bourgeois running-dog Williams' for his soft line on Muslim crucifiers. In last minute talks to bring men of all religions and both sexes back together, Pastor Lex Luther protested by going on a diet of Worms and insisting that there was nothing at all in the Bible to condemn bearded weirdos, of whom Our Lord had indeed been (continues somewhere else for all Eternity)

---

Crisis as NHS ducks 6oth birthday party, sends sick note

Health Service....to be flogged?

Alan Johnson rigorously denied today that birthday celebrations to celebrate the NHS Diamond Jubilee had been thrown into disarray by its failure to turn up at the Party. Raising a glass to the Nackered Horse Silliness, he told revellers "This fine old girl is safe in our hands and indeed I can announce the historic decision today to cryogenically preserve the illusion that its multiply raped corpse is alive forever no matter how smelly or expensive it gets or how many lies I have to tell about mixed wards, geriatric care budgets and wholesale reform going forward hurrah".

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miliband suicide as he throws himself at french army blueprint

Militaryband...State funeral

'The prospect of British troops fighting in a Euro Army came a step closer yesterday as Foreign Secretary David Miliband threw his weight behind a French military blueprint' said the Daily Carter, 'but the blueprint wasn't strong enough, and Mr Mealymouth went straight through and over a cliff. He was killed instantly as Squaddies set upon him at the bottom.' Suicide is suspected.

Said close friend and fellow-MP James Purloin "Dave had been terribly depressed by the latest polls which showed Gordon Brown to be less popular than the Devil. This was a tragedy for him as he revered our Prime Minister and would have done nothing to stab him until he was absolutely certain that all was lost, which he was I think. Can we go again on that one?"

Mr Millipede's family cannot afford a private funeral, so he will be given a State one.

---

'Ronaldo injury threatens Real move'

Ronhomo...ooooooh

Sports doctors were remaining tight-lipped last night as Christiano Ronwillgo sustained a mystery injury shortly after landing at Manchester Airport. But sources close to his club Manchester United suggested that the Portuguese star had sustained a serious knee injury. "His knees seem to be the on wrong way round" said mystery witness Alex Fuckyouson, "There was a bit of a scuffle but I didn't see the incident".

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brown hails selfless patriotism of mps as they vote for below inflation pay rise and keep expenses scam exactly as it is yippee!

Brown...say no more, squire

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Editor fights 'nby homophobic' slur

Pages 17, 19,23,41,65,67-83

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savers' money safer if bank fails says darling

Darling...'Quick, look....a pig...'

Once again breaking tradition with traditional logic, the Chancellor Mr Salvador Darling told the media earlier this week that savers should embrace wholesale bank collapses because 'this means their money is safer as it will be personally guaranteed by me'.

Cheered by this positive approach, Mortgage provider John Charcoal also told prospective buyers they should press ahead to buy houses with subsidence as they would be worth more once they'd been underpinned at vast cost. Later, the marketing director of Range Rover told anyone holding off from buying one of his cars that they should pay over the odds to secure one as 'the more gas they guzzle the better it will be for everyone once Gordon reverses the road tax increases'.

Within hours, US Fed Chief Ben the Wanker had caught the new mood, advising those selling dollars that the collapse in the American economy "has to be a buy-bucks signal given that when it all goes tits up we might as well stick the rates up past 12%, yo!"

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chemically altered ali still bullish on UK outlook

Asked whether the UK could slip into recession, Mr Darling replied curtly: "I believe our economy will continue to grow." He noted that the consensus forecast of independent forecasters pooled from the City and elsewhere is also for continued growth.

(Guardian Thursday)

Asked further about what exactly made him sure growth would continue, Mr Starving said "I looked in my teacup this morning, and do you know, there was an arrangement there I've only seen once before, and that was the morning Auntie Morag came up on the Pools".

Darjeeling....invisible teacup

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man who should know predicts tits-up situation

Britain is facing the risk of renewed turmoil in the financial markets, the new deputy governor of the Bank of England warned yesterday.

(Independent Thursday)

Asked to comment on this news item, Mr Darjeeling said "Ha ha ha, are you really asking me to take something seriously coming from a man called Charlie Bean ha ha ha".

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bradshaw scheme a bit queer say gps

Badshirt....uphill battle

Doctors throughout Britain were taken aback by the claims of Junior Health Reverend Benito Blackshirt that GPs are 'running an underground slave trade in patients and holding them against their will and even against their walls'.

Mr Bradshame is a practising member of the Open Gays' Church of Our Lady Mandelbum. (See lead article)

(2.7.08)

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ROYALS STUNNED BY GREEK WIND POWER

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mosley denies nazi theme

Sieg Heil, duckie

VATICAN ANGRY OVER WOMEN BISHOPS (Guardian)

"Stop stealink my ideas already"

 

zimbabwe: g8 gets tough

"Now looky-here shoe-shine..."

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FUKUDA UNVEILS NEW EMISSIONS CUT STRATEGY

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saint gordon leads way at g8 summit

"Cancel Third World debt"

Brown faces a £7.5bn black hole

Independent

"Stop wasting food"

(Gordy tucking in, top right)

"Drive eco-cars"

(Not the PM's official car)

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'One regular feature of the G8 that is unlikely to be seen this year is boisterous protest. The Japanese have mobilised 21,000 police and confined opponents of the G8 to areas well away from the summit venue.'

The Times

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Macho squaddie-Royal Harry Windsor attempted the world's first dick-to-brain implant yesterday, without either anaesthetic or safety-net. But the dick rejected his brain.

Did you notice? Join our Harry Transplant forum online

 

(8.8.07)

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Bobby and Badmood to rescue as......

GLASGOW EAST SHORTLIST DOWN TO TWO

Scottish Labour organisers breathed a sigh of relief this morning as, following a global search for what Foreign Secretary David Rubberband described as 'truly world-class candidates', Robert Mugabe and Badmood I'madinnerjacket agreed to a run-off Primary to decide who will get the top honour and be slaughtered by 7,404,791 votes in Glasgow East.

Said Mugabe "I seein' no reason why a little pillagin' shouldn't see off de challenge of dis heeyah fine man", to which Badmood playfully retorted "Let's see if I can get Big A to come down on his fiery chariot and stun Bobby with forty virgins".

A disappointed Rab C Nesbitt accepted defeat gracefully over a large creme de meths & Coke following the selection process,which had also included Margaret 'Two Seats' Curran, who argued forcefully for 'the logic of multirepresentationalism in today's multicultural society'.

David Davis challenged all the candidates to put up or shut up.His Haltitnow & Howmany? consituency was declared a UN disaster area following outbreaks of Beri-Beri, Kwashiokor and Cholera as international aid workers were forced to set up makeshift camps for the 13,806 candidates in the by-election there.

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Exclusive:

Madonnandonandonandonandon

As Guy Ritchie's mum dismissed rumours of a split between her son and the retiring film, pop and porn starlet Madonna, a Mrs Rodriguez of New York confirmed Mrs Ritchie's denial, saying "Madonna has been far too busy shagging my husband Alex and introducing him to space aliens to start any divorce proceedings against Guy Ritchie."

In a separate statement, Guy Ritchie rubbished reports of the Madonna-Rodriguez tryst saying that if anyone was going to be doing the away-ground shagging thing, it'd be him with that bint in his new film, er...Jed, can you finish this piece, I'm late for the.....

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MELTDOWN IN DISARRAY AS SCIENTISTS CONTINUE SEARCH FOR BIG ANSWER

New Atom-smasher 'could change everything' claim top boffins

Earth...artist's impression

With both ice-caps melting, Earth's water running out, sea levels rising and just three trees left in South America, Shandip & Ketan Shah - two brothers who run a pharmacy in Baker Street, Central London - are about to take on the mighty Durex corporation with a cut-price condom aimed at young women. The two men (who have called their company Hyperbole) told a press conference yesterday that this was the planet's best chance to achieve Zero Population Growth in the next fortnight. Meanwhile in a fifteen-mile wide tunnel under Switzerland, 300 atomic scientists dismissed claims that the atom-smasher they plan to switch on early in August will suck the Earth into a gigantic black hole soon afterwards. "This is largely a misapprehension of some misguided members of a breakaway sub-atomic sect" said Professor Josef Stenglieb, "based on quadratic calculations invented by us some years ago, we can confidently assert that the Black Hole thing, if it happens at all,will not occur for at least three weeks after the switch-on, give or take twenty days". Asked what percentage of his team were potty-trained, the Herr Professor responded, "Frankly squire, your guess is as good as mine."

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Mark Thatcher 'fears international snatch'. Mark Thatcher is an international snatch

 

Johnson, Blears, Cameron, Lewis, Planet, Bradford & Bingley, Clegg, Darling, Murray, Ronaldo, Scotland and Sats all in mess.

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NHS, Banking system, Middle East, Army, Navy, Zimbabwe, Church, House prices, teenagers, Iraq, stock market, population control, water supply and ozone layer all in freefall

---

Oil prices, food prices, wage demands, unemployment, Euro, air fares, Third World, heating bills and inflation all in crisis

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Bush, Brown, Merkl, Sarkozy, Berlusconi, Putin, Barossa, Jintao, Fukuda and Singh all in Windsor Hotel, Hokkaido with all rooms overlooking doughnut-shaped Lake Toya below at a cost of £283million and all communiques agreed in advance

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A layman writes.....

Tofu represents dementia risk. Sitting at desk represents prostate cancer risk. Walking in countryside represents Lymes Disease. Binge eating during pregnancy represents fat children risk. Being Peter Crouch's WAG represents being kneed in the eye risk. Drinking alcohol during detox represents wagon-fall risk. Giving depressed NHS patients cheap drugs represents suicide risk. Not giving Alzheimer's patients Aricept represents death risk. Developing longevity research represents nowhere to put everyone risk. Wrapping everyone in cotton wool represents everyone dying of boredom by age 30 risk.

That will be 3 million guineas Ithangyoo...kerrching!

(6.7.08)

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'Gordon Brown says it is "absolutely correct" to compare him to Heathcliff - the brooding, romantic anti-hero of Emily Bronte's novel' (New Statesman)

______________________________________________________________

Really Useless Hand-Job Films Presents

Dithering Bites

Starring

Broodan Frown as Arsecliffe

Sarah Pryme-Ministrette as The Beard

and featuring

Jessie Towel Jacqueline Laspliff and Harriet Harmanyman as 'The Brown Cows'

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As Bush Presidency draws to close, triumph at last:

FEDS CLOSE IN ON FREDDIE AND FANNIE

_____________________________________________________

Fannie (l) and Freddie....not yet in Federal hands

Country's Most Wanted duo 'behind half of all mortgage deals' admits Paulson

The Federal net was closing in last night on rampaging deep-South gangsters Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, said President-Unelect Elliot Bushiness.

"Dep'ty Sheriff Henry Paulson stopped by my place this morning" said the President, "And informed me that preddy damn soon these two culprits gonna be in our hands. So I think we should thank the Lord for Mr Paulson's work and pray for the success of his Mission."

However, in Dustbowl County, Esper & Dreal Sodscraper shook their heads. Esper told nby's Scoop Vanilla, "Well dadnam it, it's a cryin' shame, yer know? I mean ok, these two done gone bad, but hell - they done a lot o' good in our country, yessireebub. Why shoot - without them we'd no more a had our three-shower trailer with ensuite trolley than gone by by-sikkle to Death Valley, ain't that a fact Dreal?"

"Sure is Esper" whispered a small, shrunken figure by his side, although his wife remained silent. Mr Dreal, who collects small shrunken figures, explained that his wife had been deaf since the H-Bomb test in neighbouring Grits County in January 1952. Mrs Sodscraper was still bravely sporting her 'I like Ike' badge.

Interviewed later by NBC, Treasury DA Ben Benanke said "Oh, you mean I'm Ben Benanke? Shit, er....um...the chances of a downturn have diminished in the last month or so. Was that OK? "

Meanwhile, at her small rented apartment in Trashcan Missouri, Fannie Mae's aged mother Mrs Maggie Mae said "She's always bin a problem on 'count of bein' younger'n me an' all. But that Freddie Mac, he done led her astray with all his fancy talk of shootin' folks and lendin' money and that kinda stuff. The g'ernment shoulda stopped the pair of 'em years ago before they got in too deep. They's only kids when all said 'n' done."

But Federal investigators readied themselves for a shoot-out as Freddie's brother Indy was reported to have joined the Mob. His assets seized by the g'ernment, Indy told the Anaheim Clarion"Ah ain't got nuttin' ter lose now".

The trio were expected to buy some Kentucky Fried Chicken and then be shot to death in slow motion*

On other pages: What the fuck do we do now? Join our special Shit Creek forum.

Opinion: 'When you're a twat, it's hard to change your mind' says Daniel Finklestein.

*Sorry, if you didn't see the movie you won't get much of this

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new blow for church: all bollocks anyway

Tablet....to be taken anally

exclusive!

special nby close-up on those G8 wags

Posh Bruni

Veronica Lario

Svetlana Medvedev

Sousa Uva Barrosa

(12.7.08)

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Not a real advertisement

do you quite frequently make a complete arse of yourself on the global stage?

Yes...yes...yes.....

would you like to stop doing it as soon as possible?

oooooooy, yes please.....

then don't believe a word the russians say, you daft pillock.

(Or better still, resign)

(14.7.08)

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Exclusive:

NAZIS AHEAD IN NUREMBURG EAST

Heinrich von Rotknapp....close thing

In an opinion poll published exclusively in the Volikischer Beobachter tomorrow, the ruling Nazi Party looks set to retain the safe seat of Nuremburg East, but with a majority slashed from 4,760,223 to 17.

 

Smiling Party fuhrer Adolf Arsecliff applauded the 'courageous clean fight' by Heini Rotknapp, and announced "This is the turning point, I know it...from here we will go on to victory in 1945 or thereabouts, I'm not entirely sure, but I have Mr Molotov's word on that "

Meanwhile, the infamous Rotknappsturmers (left) readied themselves for a victory parade and declared that they would 'rather die than stay playing with the decadent bourgeois democrats at Manchester United....give me a good Falangist Club like Real Madrid any day."

Herr Rotknapp declared that "Wull if the boys keep tight at the back even tho' the United Stauffenberg Front could give us a few problems in the box I fink on the day we'll shade it".

Late Flash: Mugabe 'will carry' Glasgow East after beating Mahmood Ahmadinnerjacket to the nomination in a run-off. The poll also showed victory 'highly likely' for Daffy Duck, A Chair Leg, Mrs Morag Cocaine or Harry Houdini.

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"You hit 'em sonny, an' I'll hold yerrah coat"

Gonebarmy.....victor in UN

Foreign Secretary Mr Avid Rubberband rang up the Chinese yesterday and told them "You're an absolute bunch of rotters" and then issued a stern rebuke to the Russian attache, telling Mr Mevdevaputinovitchikov that "your socks are really quite awful and you have no manners when you eat, I've often noticed that". Then he sent a long letter to the UN pointing out how 'you're just a bunch of smelly cry-babies and frankly my sister could've hit Mr Gonebarmy harder than you did and if you don't start keeping your promises I'm taking my ball home'.

But his greatest ire was reserved for Mr Robber Mugeverybody,whom he described in an exclusive interview with the Sunday Sport as 'frankly the sort of chap who doesn't know how to behave. We take a very dim view of his election-stealing and silly insults and also this killing 60,000 voters with bulldozers for God's sake I mean that really is the limit so I've sent him a very nasty email saying this is your last warning old chap,one more bit of misbehaviour and you're for it."

Is Raving Rubberspine right or is he a wanker? Join our Forum today.

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BRAUN TO GET TOUGH ON THOUGHT CRIME

Braun....crack-down

Prime Minister Eva Braun today ordered all Braunshirts everywhere to stamp out thought crime.

"It's getting out of hand" he told Der Sturmer, "Why - already in Berlin this week there have been seven cases of thinking about stuff like the Eastern Front, the price of barbed wire, and the Zimblovakia crisis. What we should all be doing is having a jolly good time doing gymnastics, going swimming, eating apfelkuchen and attending fun-stuff at the G8 Wags outings."

Agreeing enthusiastically with the PM, his mistress Gordina Brown told friends at the Reichstag Ladies' Tea Party, "Eva is absolutely right. Take all this nonsense about knife crime, I mean with everything else going on and me trying to lift all these poor Germans out of captivity in Zimblovakia, who cares about how people hold a knife and fork?"

Warming to his theme, vivacious 23 year old Gordina added "The Braunshirt ranks will burn every book about table manners over the next few weeks, but while they're doing that I'll be focusing on this thought business and all the thinking that's going on about knifing me in the front, that's the one bit of knife crime that will have to fork right off hahahahaha."

Concluding four hours later, Ms Brown said "I think I'm definitely the woman to focus on this thought problem, because I've done so much thinking about visions and tax rates and vehicle licences and nailbiting and Blair's double-dealing bastards over the years, I know more about why Uberthink gets you nowhere than anyone else on Earth and that's why the people love me I think, although I'm not entirely sure - maybe I should give it some thought."

Brown....denies being wide-mouthed frog

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anne splurges £27 million saying goodbye to weakest link

Robinson...a Penrose by any other name

Gameshow megastar Anne Robinson is twenty seven million smackers poorer after ditching her weakest link John Pen... I thought this was supposed to be a fucking satire and serious philosophy site. I mean cut the woman some slack you miserable bastard,this is the sort of shit the currant bun would print...

Well....she's not very nice is she and she's always being horrid to other people so I thought, you know...

Thought crime, eh? I'll have to talk to Gordina about that....

OK,OK - you win....but bags-I the first shot at those two bloody daft cows always telling women they're wearing crap clothes.