SPIN/NOT BORN YESTERDAY
The Hand on Heart thing
GUIDANCE FOR POLITICIANS
Briefing dated 10/10/07, derived Ministry of Media Truth
Effective immediately
The latest Google Spider News Search we have commissioned shows that it is rapidly becoming standard practice to address questions to Ministers beginning "Yes, but can you put your hand on your heart and say....?"
Our concern here is not whether those copied on this briefing can say this or that thing with hand on or off heart, as empirical data shows you will say anything provided no commitment is made. Rather, the requirement is to display no doubt whatsoever about how to place a hand suitably near to where the vital organ is.
Atached to this paper is a more detailed medical guide provided by the NHS Emergency News Management Committee, but for the purposes of imminent application, the following simple guidelines should be followed.
LOCATION OF BODY ORGAN: HEART
WRONG!
The above respondent is under the mistaken impression that he is in the Southern Hemisphere, where things are the other way round. As he lives in Washington DC, he is using (a) the wrong arm and (b) the wrong side of his chest cavity.
WRONG!
This man's arm (the wrong one, as it happens) has been interrupted on its way towards the wrong heart location. He suffers from a syndrome common among politicians, that is, a desire to kiss himself at frequent intervals, in between babies.
WRONG!
This person is using the wrong number of hands (two) to cover the wrong body bit (back bottom) in an attempt to perform the most common reflex political action, arse covering. The model in question (Foreign Secretary Daisy Millibum) has missed the heart organ by some considerable distance.
WRONG!
Seen here in Monoscope black & white is the junior Minister of Numbers. He has just been asked a long-division question by ah William ah Hague ah, and as a result has suffered a coronary infarction. As he does not know where this is, the Minister's hand has collided with his forehead in the hope of finding relief. But although using the correct arm, he has mistaken bonce for ticker.
CORRECT!
The quick-thinking Prime Minister has chopped off both his arms. This means that not only (a) can he not be seen to get the organ location wrong, but also (b) nobody dare ask him to put his hand on his heart, as this is like asking David Blunkett "Do you see what I mean?"
More importantly, from here on Gordon goes from being a man with one eye to a man with one eye and no arms. This puts him one ahead of Nelson, and therefore a sure thing for the new pigeon target on Trafalgar Square when he dies.
Recommendation
All senior Ministers to have surgical arm removal procedure. The advantages are:
1. More room to snuggle up on the Front Bench
2. Massive sympathy vote resulting in permanent 180+ majority
3. No awkward hand-on-heart enquiries
4. Nobody has more arms than Gordon
5. Freedom from accusations of arms dealing
6. Cannot shake hands with the Devil
7. No hands in the till
Briefing ends 10.10.07 0300 hours