The Bollocks log of a Bourgois Dissident

GEORGE DIXON MEMORIAL SPECIAL

October 27th 2009

Bigfoot discovered at last. I am as ever indebted to Anna Raccoon for researching to find this picture at the head of my recent blog on her divine site:

Keen to start a debate on the unfeasible size of Hain's feet, I'm saddened at the lack of interest in this phenomenon. It must surely be a case of enormous feet being required to fill an enormously misguided gob.

Working together to ignore the public, go on holiday, not progress anything and stick stickers on cars. I live near a small seaside town in East Devon. It's nice here: quiet, a bit boring - but on the whole an extremely pleasant part of what the local Spin doctors have taken to calling The Jurassic Coast. Some of the locals look as if they might be Pleistocene let alone Jurassic, but you can't have everything - and at least it's 100% London Metropolitan victim-free.

Of course, we still get crime here. Everywhere has crime now - even if it is one third down and the prisons are overflowing. My neighbour three houses along had the temerity to think the attack on his son last year (which put the lad in hospital for over a week) would be followed up by the police. It wasn't. I sort of hoped that the theft of my email addresses last year would be etc etc. It wasn't. I also hoped that email abuse from the perpetrator (a serial bankrupt still busy emptying customer bank accounts from a defunct company) would be etc etc. It hasn't been.

Our local police station was closed earlier this month for thirteen days while renovations were undertaken. I think I was probably the only person who noticed (I was trying to track progress on the email harassment charge) - but taking the advice of Percy Verance, I pitched up again last Saturday. At that moment I discovered the new opening hours: Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday 8.00 am until 4 pm. Closed on all other days....and only open two days this coming week, due to staff holidays.

On a notice board by the main desk there is a card announcing 'OUR PRIORITIES'. These are listed as 1. Dog-fouling 2. Lack of facilities and 3. Criminal damage. So the mission for our local Peelers is to chop down defenceless dogs as they're about to score, shut every loo in the town and take a spanner to anything in the way.

In the endless racks of leaflets, one caught my eye - called Driving Crime Down. It's about cars (gerritt??!!??) and is described as a 'vehicle crime reduction initiative'. This is the idea:

'The scheme works by inviting officers to stop and check any vehicle displaying the DCD sticker between midnight and 5 am'.

This will (the leaflet promises) 'deter a thief from stealing a car'. Will it? How, exactly? And what about the cars not displaying the stickers (for which by the way you and I must cough up £1 a pop)? They can just go hang can they?

It would be funny if it were not so hopelessly full of shit as an idea.

A local police source told me last month, "In East Devon between the hours of midnight and 5 am, there are two bobbies on the beat". That must be what the notice outside the Three Day Week copshop means by 'These streets are patrolled by police officers seven days a week'. But hey - that's Britain in 2009: lies, damned lies, and...um...absolutely enormously wicked, patronising stonking great bollocks.

Get action, be a Gay Cop. But fear not, for you are all but two steps away from getting a much better deal: all you need to do is (a) join the police and (b) change your sexual orientation. Then - as a cast-iron victim of homophobic hate-crime upon a police officer - you will be made Priority One and plastered all over the front pages of our media.

I do feel genuinely sorry for homosexual PC James Parkes, who was beaten to a pulp outside a gay bar last Saturday, and is now on the critical list. But daft Orwellian phraseology like homophobic hate-crime isn't going to garner a great deal of sympathy from all those straights outside the police force sick to death of trying to get a bobby - any f*cking bobby - to turn up and do his or her job.

Ultimately it is rank New Labour cynicism that has got us into this parlous state; but like it or not, the senior ranks of the police have colluded in this with their ridiculous pc courses in diversity this and inclusiveness that - just to get promotion.

God help them and us, but we will reap an appalling whirlwind as a result of all this useless pc gesturing in the face of accelerating social meltdown.

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