1. Every first-born child must be slain. We're either serious about population control, or we're not

2. Irradiate all the trees. This is the only way the West (with its bizarrely upside-down view of the world) will be stopped from chopping every last chlorophyll-rich tree down until it's too late and then suddenly all our bits drop off and oh I don't want to talk about it

3. We must aim for a leg-driven helicopter on every lawn by 2020. The White House has had this ridiculous luxury all to itself for far too long: it is vital to ensure that everyone can enjoy the ability to drop money all over the population everywhere until the ghastly capitalist crunch is eradicated with recyclable rubbers, only not in the American sense because that would just make the population problem worse

4. Every banker must be sent on a Driving Awareness Course. Unless the financial system realises immediately that they're driving us all mad, we and they will be, umm, anyway it won't be very nice, because bad driving leads to crashes and we don't want any more of that sort of thing

5. Every consumer must be sent on a Credit Card Velocity Course. Paradoxically, only by digging ourselves down to Australia in debt can we get things back on an even keel and recover our understanding of how enlightened capitalism works and that

6. The Pound sterling should be converted into grams and then revalued. Only by doing this can we avoid accusations of perfidy from our EU partners, and pull together in the great European galley-slave fest that will surely be ours if only we keep faith with the original aims of the Treaty of Rome which were let's face it all about free trade and French cooking

7. Downgrade Gold from AAA to BBB creditworthiness. This is positively the only way to stop those escaping escaping. The more people think Gold is an unreliable investment option, the faster they will invest in more reliable things like wind power and solar panels and anything coloured green but not too bright a green and especially not pink

8. Upgrade Russia from Meltdown to Fuckedup. The last thing we should do is alienate the one nation on Earth capable of blowing everyone up on account of their missiles being rusty and incapable of hitting the side of a barn from three inches

9. Upload an immediate credit default swop of China for Japan. Nobody likes the Japanese anyway, and we're all fed up of the idiotically strong Yen despite their economy being smaller than the turnover of a fish 'n' chip shop in Cheltenham

10. Make accountants accountable, auditors audible, financials fickle and fiscals final. Without this level of certainty, we won't be able to put the price of The Independent up by 20%, and thus avoid going bust immediately

on inside pages: how to drink water, when not to breathe, avoiding acid credit, say no to globalist warnings, alcoholism and other people, how to conserve waste, de problem with dafur, children & chimneys, why oh why carol thatcher you silly girl

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