Action!
That's what you told us in focus groups you wanted - so that's what you're going to get!! Over 3700 initiatives to see - entry only £3500 per household!!
Stall 41: Crackdown on Naughty people
Your chance to Blame & Maim! Neighbour's dog pooing on your pavement? Then head on down to the Passport Office, queue for three days and get a Special Neighbour-Maiming Licence. Smacked by a teacher at school twenty years ago which led to your unfortunate life of buggering old ladies? Get a special Teacher-Blaming Dispensation available FREE at The Sun newsdesk. Turned down by Simon Cowell for The X-Factor? Get a special Celebrity Asassination Contract from the Ministry of Culture and kill the bastard as slowly and painfully as you may think fit.
Stall 2: Crackdown on Austrians
All Austrian visitors to the UK with cellars will be tagged! What's more, they will all be harassed by Special Incest Officers and banned from going into cellars in Britain.
KNOW YOUR AUSTRIANS: Do you know people who dress in this ridiculous fashion? Write for your full-colour 56-page brochure Bonkers Yodeller Spotting to David Miliband, Foreign Secretary, UK.
Stall 2801: Crackdown on NHS neglect
Your chance to finger anyone but us: Does your doctor answer back? Does he or she work weekends? Is that Nurse on your ward a fat cow? Is the cleaner not entirely white? Ring Neglect Hotline now on 0870 0870 08700 (calls cost five million pounds a second)* or text Health Revenge 666. * All lines are now closed.
Plus - She Got It Wrong: Your chance to vote in the Great Hewitt Debate - was she a twat or what?
KNOW YOUR HEWITT: 
Vote now! To vote 'Hanging's too good for her', Text Wanker 24555; to vote 'She's an Aussie private-school snob and should be cast away in the shark-infested South Pacific with only two day's food', Text Wanker 24556; to vote 'Mrs Hewitt was a Tory mole and I would like to vote Labour forever', Text Wanker 24557 to claim your prize of a £60,000 pa pension for life completely tax-free.
Stall 3: Crackdown on foreign countries we don't like
Your chance to add to the debate! Last Friday Gordon Brown (soon to be killed, so don't worry - see panel right) told the Burmese fascist incompetents that their unwillingness to accept Aid was 'utterly unacceptable', and before that he was j0lly rude to that Mugabe bloke telling him he had 'stolen the election' in Zimbabwe. But nobody in either leadership took a blind bit of notice, so we're arranging for YOU to write further insults - and we promise that David 'Well 'ard' Miliband will pass on your views to all and any vile foreigners who don't know how to behave. Just read this marvellous letter from Phyllis Tyne that we sent off to Vladimir Putin today:
Dear Scheming Bald Ruskie ex-KGB Twister
We know your game, weasel-features: you stand there in your fucking Boss suit while all the time you're pretending to be nice when all you want to do is stay in power forever and rule the world well my other half Clemence he says we'll have to watch you so don't mess with the Island Race you fucking Mongol or we'll nuke Moscow quicker than you can say Sputnik II.
Stall 529: Crackdown on Crap Budgets
Get all your money back with Fieldogold! We're listening, oh yes we are. And having listened so hard that backbenchers nearly broke our arms, we've decided NOT JUST to give everyone a special 300-page form to fill in about the bits of Ali's Budget they don't like - BUT ALSO we're going to make very rich bankers who caused all the trouble in the first place stay behind after work to write apologies to everyone who fills in the form.
63rd new labour initiatives fair, january-december 2008, olympia
Don't forget to put your suggestions in the Initiatives Box!
