Media Ink

The gross, the banal, and the unthinkable

22nd October 2009

Nick a bit o' Glory

Tonight's the night....BBC oxygen tanks are at the ready in order to give the appalling Nazi threat exactly the staff of life it needs to be running Britain by next Tuesday.

My view on this nonsense remains very simple: if we have to fear Prick Stiffun, then things have reached a sorry state. But then, things have. The answer is not, however, to make this poor man's Musso a martyr. The answer, as always, is to laugh at (for instance) the BNP's inability to tell nationality from genetics in pretty much the same way as nby has always laughed at the pc tendency who can't tell ethnicity from culture.

For years, one of the arguments against proportional representation (PR) has been that it will give seats in Parliament to the ghastly Far Right. This is indeed true: it will. Rather as happens in lots of EU countries already....none of whom have succumbed to the Fascist hordes.

"Yet", I hear you cry. Well, if this does come to pass, who will be to blame...a sorry collection of rabid bovverboys with shaven heads? I doubt it.

No, the guilty parties will be those who equate all things non-caucasian with sanctification. The banks whose greed knows no bounds, but whose penance has no beginning. The Brussels gravy-gobblers whose corruption is known by every intelligent observer of EU affairs. Insensitive media commentators who dismiss any and all forms of incorrect criticism as evidence of insane bigotry. And above all, the corrupt politicians at both local and national level who make such an easy target for anyone fed up with The System.

This alliance of daydreamers and crooks has already allowed UKIP to grow apace....alongside similar movements in most EU member states. This is, in fact, where I believe most of the protest votes will go - which is a shame, because UKIP is almost as inarticulate as Nick Puffin.

In Norwich North, 68% of those entitled to vote ignored the three main parties entirely. Did they do so because they despise foreigners and want to chuck every non-white Briton out? Of course not: they did it because they're frustrated with the useless task of trying get the Establishment to listen.

As we've said before: don't ban the BNP from going on the media - look in the mirror.


13th October 2009

Peter Hain and the BBC: a blinkered Frankenstein in pursuit of his brainless Monster

Hain and friend...supporting the little man

The world was neither shaken nor stirred over the last few days, during which the Beeb allowed two BNP Obersturmbannfuhrers onto the radio airwaves - and Peter Hain spent four long, dreary Guardian columns telling the Corporation how just how badly off-message it is.

Peter Hain seems to have rediscovered the radicalism that once led him to dig up cricket pitches and support the ANC. He hasn't yet quite grown the maturity to tolerate the views of others and criticise the appalling corruption and wrong-headedness of post-apartheid South Africa. And he's never (at least not in public) fessed up to having entirely misjudged the character, motives and intentions of Robert Mugabe. But the BBC is a wounded animal which, from time to time, tells New Labour to fuck off. So it's very much Mr Hain's speed when it comes to outspoken outrage.

The BBC has failed to reject (or even control) the Birtist process-jargon and self-seeding bureaucracy that began ruining it a couple of decades ago. Like most valued British institutions it has lost the 'inform and entertain' plot, but chanced upon the half-smoked dimp of trickle-down neo conservative economics and ratings-driven media ownership. The human arm-biter in charge of this consolidation of Lord Birt's mindless revolution is Mark Thompson, himself a good example of how the bloke who sounds plausibly incomprehenible can bluff his way to the top.

Thus - as with most public arguments in 2009 - the squaring up of those two toothless beasts had all the audience appeal of a 'Stalin v Hitler' Paralympics rematch. Neither of them has the remotest idea what middle-aged, middle-England is about (Hain was born in South Africa, while the BBC suffers from tertiary Yoof) and neither has the sparkle or breadth of vision to adopt a balanced view based on real data and common sense. It thus promised to be a sell-out event: a former activist who sold out versus an important institution busily engaged in doing the same.

The basic facts are these: the BBC knowingly invited two scrubbed-up BNP spin-doctor Mengeles onto the radio, after which Hain informed us all from his celestial perch on the pinhead that such people should only be allowed to exist within strictly-controlled street marches - which he could then denigrate for wasting police time, while using lots of Hard Left chums to 'confront' (his word) the fascists.

As ever with extremists like Hain and Thompson, there's a glimmer of justice in what they're on about. No, the BBC should not have disguised the erudite, media-savvy nature of the two BNPers getting their once-a-decade airing. And no, what the BBC's 'message' should be is nothing to do with pompous has-been politicians. In all other respects, however, these two punch-drunk shadows of former selves are as wrong as wrong could be; and to make matters worse, they are wrong for none of the reasons advanced by the other side. Which is, let's face it, a surreal achievement.

Hain, for example, criticised the BBC for their 'shaky handling of reporting', in that Jack Boots and his best friend Ray Cyste were allowed to say things like Ashley Cole is 'not ethnically British'. As ever, Peter Principle wanted to censor something he found offensive; whereas the real problem with the interview was that the neanderthal insult was allowed to go unchallenged. That had nothing to do with bias, and everything to do with dumbed-down pc-driven lightweights doing BBC interviews. 'Ethnically British' is an infant-school howler confusing nationality with genetics. But the affirmatively inclusive interviewer having missed that barn door of a target, we cannot assume the audience would pick it up, because they in turn have been given a pathetically narrow and superficial education devoid of social awareness.

In short, the Beeb is largely the product of dumbed-down pc. And this is the fault not just of the on-message pc process clones hired by Birt and Thompson: it is also the obvious end-result of poorly-evidenced cultural ideas propogated by Hain's fellow-dreamers on the liberal Left. A case, if you will, of the indulgent parent beating up the wayward son who has suddenly developed a compulsive disorder.

Let me exemplify what I mean by 'poorly evidenced'. Hain is a vociferous supporter of the multi-cultural social model. It's hard to see why he is (beyond it fitting with his quaint Weltanschauung) because the track-record of such societies - via first the newly independent India in 1947, the Middle East and partitioned Ireland forever, and the Balkans of late - is without exception a story of upheaval, violence and social breakdown. Further, in his Guardian piece, the one-time radical Young Liberal writes as follows about the BNP:

'The number of people who accept the racist and fascist agenda of the BNP must be far less than 1%'

The flakey confusion crammed into that observation is mind-boggling, considering the author is a former Cabinet minister. Why must it be Peter? People with 1% support levels do not get MEP seats - no matter how many of your own disillusioned supporters abstain, Peter. Research history and learning suggests that real BNP support is probably higher than the 3-4% recorded to date - because people keep quiet about their bigotry, Peter. You need to get out more, Peter. But chiefly you need a logic implant: if their support is far less than 1%, why is this joke organisation worth four columns in the Guardian, Peter?

The British 'young' Left has always exaggerated the threat of the Hard-Right: their use of names like 'The Anti-Nazi League' in a country almost devoid of Nazis was one of the more risible attempts to stir things up and get radical lunacy back on the political agenda. In turn, the Blairite 'correct' Left has played into the hands of the suited biceps-for-brains mob with its witless conviction that taking an Aspergers line on every injustice is the way forward. (Had its anti-libertarian 2005 Race Relations Act amendments passed - rather than being derailed by the London Islamist bomb atrocity - another half million or so votes would have been handed to the BNP).

That Hain emerged from the first group, and has been prominent in the second, doesn't make him anywhere near unique: but it does make him a willing standard bearer for the misguided legions of those whose liberal credentials these days consist largely of being illiberal and naive. The BBC by contrast is the product of the rise and rise of the corporate accountant: the boys and girls who love flotations, mergers, cost-cutting, headcount reduction, shareholders, profits, and risk-aversion....but who above all invented the most content-free, useless on-cost ever placed upon the back of business: management consultancy.

Lord Birt and Mark Thompson personify this deadly development from tip to toe: strangulated English, zero creativity, astonishing lack of foresight, and the belief that process conquers all. They are the (now, at last) declining rows of grey-suited diagram artists. These po-faced cadres would doubtless tell the Hadron Collider's management that its stakeholder profile under-represented the Islamic extremist niche moving forward on the Black Hole roadmap. They have shaped the BBC in their narrow image: a construct increasingly bereft of intellect, history, and cultural awareness. They see not the big picture, but merely the small rectangle with arrows going in one end and coming out the other.

Folks like this know nothing, for example, about the German Weimar Republic. There during the 1926-33 period, democracy and liberty were not snuffed out by a small bunch of boot-boys (they got themselves purged very quickly). Rather, the ground was prepared by a self-satisfied sleazy political class who underestimated a mad but highly-skilled politician. His rise was made easier by a broadcasting and constitutional set-up which allowed avowedly anti-democratic Parties to dominate the debate. His Paliamentary presence was enhanced by the corrupt disregard for the law shown by Reichstag Nazi leader Hermann Goering. And his image was shaped by a former adman and spin-doctor called Josef Goebbels. He was supported by a large minority who, simply by reading Mein Kampf, could've worked out precisely where the man was heading...but were distracted by an economic foul-up. And last but not least, Hitler based the whole thing on an all-embracing rigid set of beliefs that were utterly without foundation.

I would suggest that there are parallels here with contemporary Britain.

Nick Griffin's ragtag of society's alienated misfits are not in the same league as the Nazis. But the BBC does lack the interrogatory skills necessary to reveal the BNP for what they are. Hain can have his hissy fit about this BBC. But it is the same organisation that gives Mandelson all the rope he needs to weave a web of untruth on the air - and it is the direct result of what he professes to believe in.

This, I fancy, is the real lesson to take from this quite extraordinarily childish and squalid episode.


4th October 2009

Savaging Camerlot: a private Rottweiler strikes


Winnie Mandelson and Brooding Brown safely behind him, Andrew Marr demonstrated this morning why he is infinitely more important to the future of justice and democracy in this country than all the Commons MPs put together. He ran tight rings round David Cameron and left the leader looking just as shifty and devoid of ideas as the Olympic pentathlete in the electric chair last Sunday.

They'd hardly said hello before the BBC's allegedly soft interviewer asked the Tory leader why he wouldn't pledge a referendum on Lisbon now. Dave gave out his smooth patter about the right things at the right time and let's wait and see. Marr said "You don't have time to wait - by the time you're in power it'll be a done deal".

"I don't accept your premise" said the Toff. This is now quite clearly the Macaroon's version of 'not a situation I recognise on the ground', but Marr shot back with "Alright, I'll make it easy for you". Biff.

Marr explained patiently - three times, actually - why declaring for a referendum now would slow down the ratification process and give other EU members heart: if Cameron really wanted to consult the British people, wasn't that the obvious thing to do? No, said Cameron. "Yes it is" said all the viewers. Biff.

Do you want Blair as EU President then? Marr asked. Are you happy that Merkel's CDU is distancing itself from your new allies? You're a rich man - how much are you worth? - I'm sure ordinary people would like to know. Biff. Biff. Biff.

Why did you argue against banking regulation? Marr persisted. Ah, no, that's not the point blathered Cameron. I've got the quotes said Marr, and proceeded to read them out. ECU on Cameron's unhappy face. Double-biff.

To be fair, Camerlotobollocks did make a valid point about what regulation there was having no authority, but the damage was done by then: he looked deflated by the end.

It must've been clear to everyone watching that Andrew Marr doesn't like Cameron one little bit. There was a lovely piece of cruelty halfway through when the Beeb's man puckered up for his wealth question with 'something people would like to know and it's a fair question to ask'. Pregnant pause. Shit (you could see Cameron apparently thinking) he's going to ask about coke-sniffing.

Ignore anyone who thinks Marr is a softie. He guards his private life (a source close to him told me recently) 'like a fucking Rottweiler'. His injunctions against Private Eye's imminent publication of revelations about that life were the talk of every mediasphere last week; as were the tales of New Labour's knitting circle (slavering to get their own back for the pill-popping question) preparing to raise that private life under the cloak of Commons privilege.

Were they to do so, it would be the biggest own-goal New Label's spinning Jennies have ever scored. Not only do most Brits like Andrew Marr (and loathe Fondlebum, Balls and Ramble) they would object strongly to precious Parliamentary time being wasted on hissy vendettas when there are far more important things to get on with.

Ultimately, there is a clear distinction here between Marr's privacy and that of Brown. The latter - a man felt by many to be going blind, severely depressed and having anyway an underlying personality disorder - has his hand on the tiller about some mega-decisions. He is also controlling and arrogant with it. The alleged declining mental health of such a man is more in the public interest than any other feature of him - and he has only himself to blame for that.

But what is it that Marr wishes to keep hidden which might severely damage his objectivity or skills as a reporter? Is it illegal? If the answer is 'nothing' and 'no', then we should ask The Eye why they want to spill the beans....and why the Hell they keep ignoring nby's Harmanballs story , he concluded bitterly.


3rd October 2009

News not watching very carefully. Newswatch is one of those arse-covering Beeb we-care-about-your-comments things that goes out on BBC 27(b) sub paragraph iv at 3 am on every day with a z in it.

This morning, diligent fan of the show and keen nbyer Saul Park watched it, and wondered why 'all' the emails the Corporation received about the Marr pill-popper interview with Brooooon seemed to be negative - given that last week, 17 out of 20 comment threads in the Blogosphere and 'mainstream' media said they thought the matter needed airing. Aldwych.

Saul was further stunned to hear Marr's editor delivering a dispirited response in defence of his own man out there with his neck on the chopping block in front of that camera, which does not lie except on Sundays when the Extreme Right Wing Slurs (2009) rule comes into play. Goodge Street.

I can now confirm that the editor concerned is suffering from what we spin doctors call Thompson Alienation Shit Syndrome (TASS) a common condition whereby anyone likely to rub New Labour's knitting circle up the wrong way is sent to Room 101 for re-education on the nature and role of Public Broadcasting.

It's good to clear up such matters before they get out of hand. Bermondsey.

Cut meanwhile to ECU of Brown waiting for Marr to finish his circuitously careful question. Note the hand-to-mouth Freudian body-language, and also the puzzlement in his lifeless eyes as he tries to work out why the fuck Andy Pandy is asking him about opposed to other smelly firearms. Mornington Crescent.


Brown will take part in debates

"I've decided in my own mind," Gordon Brown told Jim Naughtie on the Today programme this morning.

(BBC Website,Wednesday)

Well, no....decisive, tough and focused Gordon had merely made up his mind whether to or not. He was no longer in two minds: he was of a mind, being mindful of the risks involved and always open to a change of mind.

Enter Pandy Meddlesome working his puppet from behind: "Oh alright then, yes....I wi...gockle of geer gockle of geer....globalglobalglobalglobal arrrrggggg...."

I'm implacably opposed to TV election debates for politicos, purely because it's yet more emphasis on sweat beads and wobbly lips, with no real attention paid to complex issues. Even as formeradmanandbrownonpillsblogger John Ward, I'd also ban all political advertising for the same reason. And I would get all the Parties supported by the State, with no contributions allowed from anywhere else. That's probably made me unpopular with everyone, but my reasons are sound and I've been honing them for over thirty years. We will not get serious policies and politicians focusing on their jobs until we massively restrict their access to the media. (See 3H for more on this)

Anyway, as of yesterday evening, Brown's 'top staff' (The Mirror) announced that yes, he would. This is now, I understand, to be adopted as New Labour's election slogan:

'Yes, we would....'

....if only we had the money. And if only we stood the faintest fucking chance of getting elected.


27th September 2009

Marr misses open goal...but gets irritable at last

When you watch Andrew Marr losing his cool, it tells you all you need to know about Gordon Brown and his now complete detachment from the physical Universe. Marr is the most mild-mannered of men and an excellent historian to boot, but after Brown dismissed damning data for the third time in five minutes, one could hear the BBC man's voice fighting to stay calm in his throat.

As is his way with such matters, the Prime Minister steamrollered gently over Treasury numbers, CBI statistics and IMF warnings before adopting a quite mind-shatteringly patronising tone with his interviewer.

"Look Andrew....please" he began (a hand begging for the little boy at the back to stop asking silly questions) "You're just not understanding what I'm saying here".

Marr was understanding with devastating clarity: it was the mental patient opposite who didn't know whether this was Brighton or twelve across.

"I'm understanding these figures perfectly well Prime Minister" said Andrew, "and they say things aren't good".

"Yes" Brown threatened, "but I don't accept that".

"What, you don't accept your own Treasury's stats?" he asked

"Not at all, not at all" said the hugely overweight man opposite who runs twenty miles each day before breakfast, and has never taken a pill of any description in his life.

Nobody - not Marr, not us, not the sound engineer, and probably not Gordon himself - knew which way to interpret the answer.

And so it went on. The Tories would cut by 10%, you by 9.3% - what's the difference? Oh - absolutely massive said the Monocular One. Look how we've improved hospitals, schools and policing, the PM continued while showing not the slightest embarassment at this triple lie. Every country has been persuaded by our arguments in favour of public expenditure he asserted. Germany? France? Greece? Poland? Slovakia? Hungary? And our debt was not high compared to other countries, he averred: so then, the IMF putting only Argentina with a bigger debt mountain was just them being vindictively contrary was it? He was, Brown assured us in conclusion, a tough leader able to take tough decisions while eating a very tough steak with a rubber knife and fork using only his feet. Tough decisions that had saddled him with a Home Secretary, Foreign Secretary, Chancellor and Business Secretary he didn't want.

Pathetic. And - as I keep trying to point out to my detractors - uncomfortable to watch, and perfectly dreadful for the long-term health of Gordon Brown and his faithful wife Sarah.

But then came the moment we'd all been waiting for: the pills thing. And Marr fluffed this badly - although he had at least had the spine to ask the question.

"Lots of us take prescription painkillers and other pills to see us through life" observed Marr, "do you ever do that Prime Minister?"

"No" replied the Stone of Scone, and went on to talk about what he seems to see as the safe ground: his 20:20 eyesight.

The speed and discomfort of (and immediate distraction from) the question were all anyone needed to be clear beyond any remaining doubt that you could shake the Prime Minister and thus employ him as a passable maracca.


25th September 2009

Adjoining items on BBCNews website today:

'The High Court has ruled that it is legal for UK employers to force workers to retire at the age of 65.'

Wenger has 'no plans to retire'

Old and New media: a cultural lesson learned

To the more tecchie end of the horribly named 'blogosphere' (I always think that word sounds like a Victorian diving bell) what I am about to reveal to you the Yesterdaysphere is very old and shabby hat. But as nby's readership is 70% 45+ high-achiever busy folks with a hefty dose of old technophobe wrinklies, for most of you what follows will contain three insights. Which is five more than Gordon's got.

First, new media may be the future, but they are still in the present: if the 'proper' media don't pick up on a story and give it a firm secondary kick, it disappears. And until the intelligentsia start making the web their main source of reading matter and news, this state of affairs will continue. After two new media (The First Post and Guido Fawkes) gave the Brown health story a whiff of oxygen, nby's site hits went up to 1,200. After the Independent and Express wrote about the story, the next day they hit 5,320.

In fact currently (if one checks the referral data) what seems to happen is this: blogger nut writes something with an ounce of truth in it, major online news media pick it up, and it becomes a popular blogging thread. But 95% still either don't know about it or don't believe it. Then a 'respectable' old media columnist goes 'I wonder...',and - literally - tens of thousands of emailers and twitters write to others saying 'See, I told you so'. Then it goes international and you start getting emails in Russian syrillic. But if the old media don't pile in then, the story dies: because the spin doctors have sussed that they can smear the web accounts by saying 'barmy folks'. (And to be fair, they're often right.) Yesterday after the obvious mendacities about the PM having Kryptovision and running 2,000 miles a day were rubbished by nby, site hits were 349.

Which leads me to the second insight. This not only means that Gordonmadandblind is old news: despite the denials, it has in 2009 taken on the status of what 1960s newspapers used to call 'Official'. 'The Prime Minister is round the twist and nine-tenths blind: Official' - ergo, tell me something I don't 'know' already. In truth, neither of those statements is remotely accurate, and this is the ultimate irony. Spin will die in the end for one simple reason - it's achieving the diametric opposite of what it sets out to do. As Simon Lewis is no doubt already finding out, the more you deny, the more they believe.

This was amplified on Newsnight two last Wednesday when Plodder Clarke was banging on about false denials, but chiefly about the loathing Gordon Brown now attracts. The anchor rightly picked up on this and stated (with admirable lucidity) that had the PM admitted a degree of problem, he would now have at least a degree of sympathy.

The final insight I take from yesterday's site traffic (which was actually well below average) is that not only is there belief, there is acceptance. People no longer care that their Prime Minister is completely unfitted for the job - be that for underlying personality or immediate health reasons. It's just become part of The British Condition: yes our PM is hopelessly incompetent, but then they all are - and if he's blind, the rest of them are deaf. It's the way it is....must dash now, got a meeting to do.

"Issa joke innit?" people say on a daily basis. But that's just what this isn't. For it means the general view is that the political process makes no difference and adds no value. And thus, if we got rid of it - well, would we notice? I can sense all those wannabe dictators in the wings, quietly biding their time.


20th September 2009


The Mark II BBCNews Channel (it's actually Mark I if you're using the Thompson scale) dropped the '24' part of its branding last year, and recently rejigged its pagination to be rather more CNN and less BBC - minus only the business authority of CNN. This means the site opens with a World Page: so you now now learn about traffic problems in Phuket and fashion styles in Brisbane, but not a whole lot about what's really going on among those who are Auntie's paymasters. Much safer that way, d'yer see - better for Mark's pension. No nasty calls from the Campbells and Mandelsons about wars and Hungarian knitting circles. Saves money on the investigative side of things.

To find anything relating to the UK now, you must click on 'UK'. I must warn you it's something of a waste of time doing this, because the coverage is still coming from Nick Blogger Robinson of IVb, and Bobby Peston from Ic. But we've been here before, so let's move back to World Page, and precis last night's action....

In a move that rocked orientation fascists to their sensible shoes, the Gay Serbian march was called off. The South African athlete Caster Samenya turned out to be no stranger to gender tests after all. She is thus Castasa Womanya, but the SA authorities think she might have some Bitsof Amaninya. French farmers started talking about milk, a 96 year-old Taiwanese bloke was turned away by his jail, and the Eurovision vote might have been rigged. In an unrelated incident, Nigella had a naughty secret (she eats in bed) and an Asian Black Bear was shot. And finally, in Ye Merrie olde Englande, a tortoise was rescued from the fast lane of a motorway. I must go now as my bladder has failed.

It's quite a cavalcade of Pollyfilla that, using the simple definition of being (1) not new and (2) completely fucking irrelevant to most of our species. Gay Serbians, dodgy athlete genders, Frenchmen whingeing about subsidy removal....this is what one might term Anti-News. Some examples might illustrate the point.

News would be 'Eurovision vote found to be entirely fair'. Or 'Nigella anorexic'. As a definition, 'real news' might encompass headlines like 'Sarkozy admits taking cocaine' (BBCNews: Sarkozy calls for Tobin Tax) or 'How Goldman Sachs shafted Lehman' (BBC News: 'Lehman's last day: sights and sounds a year on').

Other news sites (specialist or otherwise) manage to find bad stuff out and print who the guys doing bad stuff are. But not the Beeb. It's superficial,infantile, stringer rubbish....and somehow, getting worse.


17th September 2009

Network News.

We're all aware of the viral networking products around today: from Twitter to Linkedin, everyone is blathering, recommending and catching up. But there's an exclusive Friendsunited none of us can join. And as there's only about thirty of them in the UK, they don't need a website to help with the name-remembering thing. Take the media version, for example.

The owners of the Speccie got fed up with Matt D'Ancona, and so their agent on Earth began giving the editor a hard time. Their agent is Andrew Neill, confidante of Rupert Murdoch and presenter of the BBC's Daily Politics. In putting together the Daily Politics, the Brillo Pad liaises with Number Ten new boy and Royal Saviour Simon Lewis. When he wants a bit of brotherly love, Sime can ring sibling Will Lewis, editor of the Torygraph.

Will's client Gordo the Great needs a lorralorra love these days, so if things get bad, he can ring best chum Paul Dacre at the Mail, and Paulo will be round for tea and designer bickies. Paul's brother Miles is a top wally in PR and big favourite at the Independent. So it was easy for Paul to give the Indie folks a tinkle and offer to share offices over in Diabolical Docklands. I mean, all this ghastly new media coming in chaps.....backs to the wall and all that....we're all on the same side really.

As indeed they are. The sad thing for them remains that viral and more formal online media are daily destroying their business model. By and large they don't get it. They don't really get anything about anything, as not one of them has ever lived a normal life outside of public school, Oxbridge, London or the Media Club.

I'm aware of boffing on about this too much, but the window of opportunity against this lot and their mates is very limited. You see, the exclusive club of which they're all members has other, nastier links. Gordo knows he can rely on GCHQ to tell him who's saying what to whom, and they in turn are in bed and having consensual sex with the ISPs who monitor all our mail, website visits and blogging antics. None of this is paranoia: it can be demonstrated to anyone without attention-span deficit on a daily - even hourly - basis. And this circular network, of course, winds up in Beijing - where the Chinese leaders are perfecting their control, with the help of the Google gargoyles.....and Times/Sun/Daily News/MySpace/Sky monster Rupert Murdoch. He knows Andrew Neill oh, sorry, we did that bit already.


13th September 2009

The Establishment closes ranks: MAOIs aftermath.

Is Gordon a pill-popper or merely a pillock? We still don't know, but here are some thoughts before I tap out a broader account of how the elite stamped on the fire.

1. There's not a lobby hack I know convinced by the Number Ten denial

2. The big question everyone asked is 'Why OFF the record?' If you want to rubbish a story, just say it's rubbish, period. (Word is that Simon Lewis didn't want his hands dirty on this his first big test)

3. My biggest question marks are over (a) the attempt to stall my initial request for comment on the document I was sent (b) the assumption by No 10 that it was THEIR document and (c) why they wanted me to forward it. That's to say, I know perfectly well they wanted me to forward it so they could finger someone...but why did they think there was someone to finger? And why did they think that person is in No 10?

Saying after that 'there's no truth in it' without a named on the record Brown pr is risible and incredible.

But I have two further observations:

1. There IS somone they'd like to finger; but so far (while being in two minds) that person has remained entirely loyal.

2. The document WAS a fake. To be honest, I thought it was right from the off: turning up so soon after I launched an appeal for just such a smoking gun, it was too good to be true. I do now know who was responsible, and yes chaps it was a jolly jape and I will be dealing with you most severely after prayers.

One last thing before we move on: the Kirsty McNeill promotion inside No Ten has put every nose out of joint, especially that of Pandora the Prince of Darkness. McNeill is in the replayed 1945 role of Goebbels to Brown's Hitler now: tell the Deluded One what he wants to hear.

Fear not Gordon, Guderian's Fifth Army is riding to the rescue: It is a miracle, mein Fuhrer.

Is there a Von Stauffenberg in the house?


Sky's the limit. Anchorman at 5pm yesterday on SkyNews discussing new film releases with reviewer:

"So what about all these movies now with computer themes that keep creeping's all a bit assiduous isn't it?"

Cut to reviewer looking confused. "Yeeees" he says, before beginning a shtick about pc plugs in film plots.

What I find is, that James Murdoch is very insidious 'is arse off so I hear. He's a chip out of the old pan.


12th September 2009

Ruckay n Byankuh. As the Eastenders scripts continue to explore the possible combinations of alimony, animosity, adultery and argument, it's becoming increasingly clear that they're running out of wooden actors, and thus resorting to the recycling of dead wood and balsa wood.

Not only are Ruckay n Byankuh back in mainstream roles, but to ensure that the genetic links between family factions become completely impenetrable, Ruckay 'as only gorn an' got hengaged ter Syme annee? Byankuh is dissin' Syme an' vus dere was like well-ripe aggro at the party wiv two silly cars foitin' abart Ruckay.

Phoo Mitchull, meanwhile, finks Ruckay is well artovoda. In fact, he spoke for all of us when he said to Ruckay "Welcome to the family - again". This was easily the best line in last Friday's episode, and had me creased up on the sofa.

After a day of surreal conversations with Number Ten's press office, Eastenders was all my mangled cortex could cope with. The pleasure was doubled by my not having the faintest idea wha was going on, and therefore being left free to wonder how one-dimensional writing and two-dimensional characterisation can exist within a three dimensional Universe.

What did you think of it, Les? Sorry readers - have you met Les? He's my new best friend. The site got 2,087 hits yesterday, and most of them were from Les. This is Les:

Les has taken umbrage at things I've alleged about him, which is a shame, as he'd be more gainfully employed auditioning for a part in Eastenders. He could play....let me see....Des Crunch, the no-nonsense hardcase pc repairer and email scribbler who runs the new computer repair shop in the Square, Microhard. He writes a mean email does Les. Here's an extract:

'So, what we would all like to see is the evidence you have of all of these ‘crimes’ and when we are done with that and shown you to be a miserable little toad who exists purely in the slime of the stagnating pool at the bottom of your Tuscany plot we can then start to talk about you making recompense to my family for the damage and hurt your malicious little game has caused'

Hmmm. Still, email is a medium, and this column is called Media Ink - so Les is entitled to his place in it. Never let it be said that nby shies away from diversity.


10th September 2009

Mandelson 53 Newsreader 0. Lord Mandelson's peformance on BBCNews tonight was an odd mixture of style and cruelty, much in the manner of what you'd expect to see at a bullfight. The news anchor (a highly intelligent black guy completely unqualified for the job of interviewing a rattlesnake) was left by the end of the encounter saying - wide eyed and dazed - "Well OK Lord Mandelson....if that's how you see it, thank you very much". On screen in the background, like some purring Hobgoblin, Mandy grinned maliciously.

As usual, the Mendacious One should never have gotten away with it. Asked to explain why he's been floating and stinging like a butterfly in the GM negotiations - exiting them with the weasly promise of not very much, and the deal he didn't want - Meddlesome said he had 'brought certainty to the workers' and 'not been left out in any way at all'. Playing the Ernie Wise role, the anchor countered this thick duvet of lies with "But tonight there will be many a worker in the GM factories wondering about their jobs", a limp statement rather than a question. This Fondlebum swatted with one exhalation of "With the very greatest respect young man...." I don't think I've ever seen such a blatant example of ageist racism expressed in so few words.

The black bloke is not, and never will be, a newsreader. He lacks the personality, the grit and the ice-pick instinct. He is, I'd say, almost certainly where he is as a result of affirmative action in the Orwellian asylum that is the BBC these days. This is a pity, as his manner and intelligence suggest to me he'd make a first class medical consultant.

Over on Channel Four, veteran interrupter Jon Snow showed (with exactly the same issue) how things should be done. Given the second-string role on the minority Channel, a junior Minister of Welsh extraction tried manfully to deliver the stock script about not accepting the analysis, not recognising the description of events and nothing reflecting his experience on the ground. But after five minutes, Snow had the audience believing the guy was on the ground in the first place because he'd fallen down on the job. Four's bullshit-detector showed all the experience and will necessary to first silence and then ridicule the Business Ministry's utterly daft version of events. "But hang on" he said, and, "Look, let's get real here" and "You're not seriously suggesting". By the end Taffy didn't know if he was serious about anything, or hanging by a thread, or even real. Mainly he looked guilty. Snow dismissed him like a disappointed Headmaster.

These days of course, the big guys will not face up to Snow or Paxo. The deal is Marr or Robinson - or no interview. And so the rubber-spines at Broadcasting House go 'oh, alright then'. If it were me in charge, I'd say "We'll let you know when you turn up - and then film your reaction on discovering that it's Hislop".