STOP PRESS: The infighting continues.

Sources close to Downing Street affairs tell me that the ding-dong between Lord Flounce and McRain Woman has now gone up a notch. Kirsty herself doesn't say this (every time I ring her she insists she has nothing to do with government at all, and is therefore unqualified to comment - which is encouraging). But Manglebum's knitting circle are briefing like there was a war on. Oh sorry, forgot: there is.

Has McRain had her chips?

Last week on Westminsters: Ally called time on Gordo as Kirsty decided she wants Gordo's children. Sarah found it hard to cope with all the strange women Gordo was phoning, but cried on the broad shoulders of the dashing Lord Peter Mandelsmear, who likened Kirsty to the last fucking thing we need. Charlie Whelan has forgotten whose side he's on and been exiled to Radio 5Live, where his Brendan Behan impressions have been a great success. In a last-ditch attempt to save the Neuearbeiter Reich, Gordo has told everyone that there'll be no more immigrants except when there are, and even in those cases they won't be allowed to have jobs.