Badly behaved and very depraved
CRACKERS
Some day, all news will be like this
NEW CRISIS AS UKRAINE FALLS PREGNANT
Ukraine...bit of a slapper
Russian President Yura Madvladbad raged at the West today as it became clear that, following a long and torrid affair with NATO, Ukraine Russki-Sputnik was up the duff and expecting a child. Representing the EU and his candidacy for leader of Zanu-Labour, Mr David Military-Band said "I can confirm that Ukraine is expecting a baby, although I think we have to manage expectations here because after all it might turn out to be an aardvark or wind or something like that". But brushing aside Millipede's limp joke, Vladimir Rasputin told bound and gagged reporters in Moscow, "This is another intolerable attempt to encircle Mother Russia with disgusting pregnant slappers and thus sap the moral fibre diet of our glorious country and so in order to bring a peaceful end to this provocative action we have generously offered the use of our armies in order to stop this sort of thing spreading over our zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
KREMLIN CONDEMNS McCAIN'S CHOICE OF MICHAEL PALIN - P 0.7
BEIJING: 'BARACK NOT REALLY BLACK AT ALL'
Choo Slo Lee....accusation
In what is being widely interpreted as a sign of incipient syphilis, Chinese leader 108 year-old Choo Slo Lee today accused the West of passing off as black a new leader of the Democrats when he was at best a muddy shade of pink. Speaking through a straw, Mr Choo said he had been to Chelsea on many occasions and knew perfectly well that Michael Barack was a professional footballer and not American at all but above all extremely white. He added that this demonstrated the depths to which the Anglo-American axis of running dog Labradoodles would sink in order to try and win a propaganda war they were doomed anyway to lose especially in the light of their unpardonable support for the renegade lickspittle monks of Tibet which was anyway really called East Grinstead and furthermore zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
INDIA REALLY PAKISTAN SAYS GERMANY - Der Sturmer
GREAT WALL OF CHINA REALLY CHEAP PORCELAIN SAYS ROADSHOW EXPERT
Ataboy....not fooled
With the planet hurtling towards seven different wars at once, Antiques Roadshow expert Pauline Ataturk poured petrol on the fanning flames of conflagration by asserting that the Great Wall of China is a fake. "You can see from outer space that it's just a lot of bricks and bits of porcelain thrown together informally" said Mr Matalan. His suspicions were raised during the recent Olympics closing ceremony, he said, when he felt "quite sure I could see strings attached to Boris Johnson" and so persuaded NASA to fire him into orbit in order to see the Wall for himself.
But the Chinese government moved as swiftly as their zimmer-frames would allow to hotly deny the claim. "This is simply anotherzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Tblisi visit 'going so well' and then.....
CAMERON DEFECTS
Kamronski...in Moscow last night
Tory supporters were rocked last night as Russian premier Vladiell Rasputin unveiled a major propaganda coup by announcing Davidoff Kamronski's defection to the Russian Federation.
Revealing for the first time that Kamronski had been turned while a fag at Eton, Mr Disputin told western journalists "His trip to Georgia was a masterstroke and enabled us to get him back safely following an entirely successful mission".
Awarding his spy the coveted Moscow Dynamo for bravery, Russian President Olga Madfordave said "Davidoff's objective achieved in full, namely, destruction of Conservative Party thus leaving way clear for nincompoop Brown to win election and render UK borassikoff."
RUSSIA INVADES GEORGE GALLOWAY - P 871
BRIT OLYMPIC HEROES IN GAY BRIDESMAID SHOCK
Team GB medallists...radiant
Britain's Olympic squad were in meltdown and disarray fury last night as flower-arranging silver medallists Jeffray Sweet and Clarence Pump rushed home early to be bridesmaids at the Gay wedding of EU Rough Trade Commissar Mandy Fondlebum.
Mr Fondlebum (who wed Hungarian lover Ferenc Glitteras in a quiet ceremony and very loud dress yesterday afternoon) said afterwards "I've had my eye on these boys for some time and they didn't let me down".
DEFECTOR CAMERON'S FOUL DOG SHAME - P4009
GLOBAL CONDEMNATION AS BROWN INVADES SCOTLAND
Brownshirt....'no alternative'
The diplomatic world was caught off-guard last night as UK Commander in Chief Gordon Brutin ordered peacekeeping forces into Scotland 'in order to restore order in a country where anti-British forces are out of control'.
High-profile Scottish First Minestrone Alexei Salmondvillyi broadcast dramatically from his East Glasgow redoubt, telling foreign journalists that "the Scottish Sassenach Brutin is obviously after our oil and gas supplies. This appalling piece of cynicism is a direct result of Labour's humiliating...."
But BBC censorship was imposed before Salmondvillyi could finish, replacing his broadcast with joyful music about things being only capable of getting better.
"What the Scottish people are saying to me by this invasion is that they put their trust in me a fellow Scot to restore a situation where they do not have to feel terrified to vote Labour" said the Prime Minister.
CAMERON PLEDGES TO SEE WHICH WAY WIND BLOWS - P 8654
NGUMBO CAUTIONED FOR INJURY CELEBRATION
Ngumbo.....went bonkers
Bayern Walsall top scorer Sanganda Ngumbo was given a yellow card yesterday by referee Keith Spott for celebrating the amputation of his leg too enthusiastically during the needle clash with Pathetico Bilbao. Spott told reporters after the game "While I can understand that Sanny was delighted about getting a serious wedge for this accident, throwing one's leg into the crowd and shouting "I'm rich!" is well over the top".
Ngumbo (whose leg was accidentally wrenched off by Pathetico goalkeeper Jose Guernica's razor-tooth gloves) hobbled the full length of the field before collapsing into PC Dean Stuntle's arms and bleeding to death.
Top injury lawyer Peregrine Thistle said later "This is very sad for Mr Ngumbo, who would unquestionably have gone on to be the richest man in the world and kicked dangerously approaching Asteroid 43/nn-10 into touch, as well as having two legs rather than just the one. Nothing less than a £4 billion award will do for this man's WAG, and my shareholders".
GOBBLEDINO'S DECAPITATION SELF-INFLICTED SAYS LEEDS UNITED DEFENCE COUNSEL - P 3
WORLD'S BIGGEST ELECTRIC FIRE FOUND ON INTERNATIONAL DATELINE
Single-bar fire...85 billion giga watts of energy
Every known theory of evolutionary development and scientific discovery was turned on its arse yesterday as a pristine-condition 1935 Belling single-bar electric fire was discovered on the international dateline east of Japan. Initial estimates suggest the fire is forty-two miles long and 30 miles high, with the capacity to provide electricity for some twenty million homes in the Pacific Ocean. Said energy futures trader Mark Wedge, "We can't figure out why it's never been spotted before. Still, it's a bonus: not as big as mine, but a bonus all the same. Shame it wasn't the 1946 two-bar model - mind you, that's a collectors' item".
FIRE BROUGHT TO EARTH BY ALIEN BELLING SALES FORCE SAYS UFO EXPERT - P 812
RUSSIA INVADES INTERNATIONAL DATELINE
Soyuz XK-Hoverkrafski...never used before
Russian troops swarmed onto the International Dateline this morning in what President Medvedeviusski described as 'right of Russian people to claim lost property'. His ally, Prime Sinister Mr Rass Putin, added "This is without doubt the Belling brought back to Moscow by Comrade Lev Izjeens after his 1935 visit to exchange fraternal greetings with English comrades at the TUC Conference of that year. Mr Izjeens was disappeared while on holiday in 1937, and somehow the fire was mislaid while being used by a Soviet trawler on a perfectly innocent fishing trip in 1958".
INSIDE:
Ukraine denies massive new olive oil find
BRITISH EVENTING TEAM IN WEIGHT GAIN MYSTERY
Horses....blobby
British Olympic medal hopes were in disarray this morning when the Horse trials team woke up to discover their rides were enormously fat. Said 2004 Silver medallist Jane Dewitt-Sydesaddel "We simply can't understand it. We took our horses into the arena and suddenly realised that all the other teams had horses which were, ahm, rather thin".
Said team coach Julian Dunne-Eniwear "One has to accept this sort of thing now and again. Until we arrived here we had no other horses with which to compare ours. It seems likely that there may be some sort of obesity thing going on. Or growing pains or something".
On other pages:
Diver Dean tells bosses "I can't swim"
Gold sprint hope forgets to train
Rowing boats found to contain lead
FTSE UP 500 POINTS ON PHILIP'S CANCER ALL-CLEAR
Duke's prostate....Philip for markets
The revelation that Prince Philip does not have something gumming up the waterworks sent the FT index racing skywards yesterday. Leading analysts declared "I think we have now definitely seen the bottom, not the Duke's bottom you understand, but the low-point of this Bear market inconvenience. The worst is now behind us. I didn't mean...oh fuck it."
INSIDE:
HOW PHIL'S LET-OFF SENT GOLD TUMBLING
HEDGE FUNDS BET ON QUEEN'S LARYNGITIS
BIN LADEN PUP GUILTY ON SIX COUNTS
Kasseem....faces gas chamber
Kasseem Al-Snowy was yesterday found guilty by the Guandogamo Bay anti-terrorist tribunal of going for walks with infamous worldwide highly-organised terror organisation Al Q'apone's shadowy fuhrer Osama Bin Laden. The paw-bomber will go to the gas chamber in about twenty years time after seven appeals at various circuit-court levels, and long after his death from natural causes.
Karadzic's bedside lamp found hiding in Belgrade junk shop - P 399
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