100% guaranteed dishonourable and surreal mendacity
Dedicated to the faulty memory of the biggest Canute in history, Alastair Campbell

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Harman to ban Leaded Pencils

Erect pencils....on the way out

Gender-balancing comic Harriet Harman called time on 4-Star Men yesterday as she introduced a Bill to ban any man from having lead in his pencil after September 2012.

She told a tired and emotional House*, "My proposal is that 4-Star men will be phased out slowly and painfully, and as there are no 5-Star men anyway by definition because they're men, we expect all men to be lead-free by 2012 or else. It will of course remain legal for women to fill up with lead-pencil men after that date, but not for men to retail men who are crap anyway."

* The house concerned, 15, Postlethwaite Circus, was later found guilty of being drunk in charge of a roof.

MENEZES CASE: NEW JUDGE RULING

"Fuck it - look....will anyone volunteer not guilty? Just the one - I'll settle for just the one. Please."

OUR HERO: THE MAN WHO GAVE BRITAIN A DECADE OF BURNING PANTS

A note to Messrs Tryle & Errah:

1. Nothing on this page is true

2. Alastair Campbell is a lying fuckwit.

RENEE RIB: IS SHE LORD LUCAN?

Nby cuts through the ultimate disguise (sex change, shit Yorkshire accent and rejuvenation treatment) to point out:

* She likes a flutter

* She is mad

* Paint a moustache on her and it's Lucan to the llife

 

 

NEWS

* New pirate atrocity as Scottish spoonerist is boiled in oil More >>

* Irish flying pig shot down as Dublin/London split looms More >>

* Darling faces Death Duties revolt More >>

* J P Morgan Asian default rescue package More >>

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WRITERS WRITTEN OUT OF EASTENDERS

The BBC switchboard was jammed with congratulatory calls last night as six Eastenders writers were written out of the ratings-hit-gone-shit soap. They all died in a mobile home fire on the set last week, after scripts were rewritten under intense secrecy and then handed to The Sun.

"It was all my idea" said DG Mark Thompson once the pro-calls topped 6000, "because killing all the writers means we don't have any more writers as such".

Asked what the longer-term plan might be, Thompson added "Well obviously there'll be a committee of enquiry into what happened and then I'll be exonerated and free to write it all myself. I doubt if anyone will notice the difference."

Aaaaaarrrghhh..hahahahahahahaha....mine, all mine!

* Since joining the BBC, Mark Thompson hasn't bitten anyone.

At least, not on the arm.

Every item on this page is guaranteed Campbellised before leaving the factory. ©2008 Not Born Yesterday