Not Born Yesterday

The Brothers Muddle

S&M debates at the heart of New LabourS&S

Seb: Hoodies smashing phone boxes, Marky - big problem.

Mark: Top thinking Sebbo. Er, just run 'phone box' by me again - is that, like, a broadband digibox conversion for ISDN multiple wireless knowledge sharing?

S: No, it's a box in the street where people make phone calls. Poor people, pensioner people - you know, Old Labour stuff.

M: Right. Got you - on the same page now bruv. How about....an ASBO?

S: ASBO's a bit yesterday Marky. Also, these Hoodies they, um, collect ASBOs. It's like a cult.

M: Wow! Cult brand eh? We did a good job there. Brand extensions! How about Anti-Social Death Authority....ASDA....?

S: It's brave Bruv, but Gordon's not keen. You know - it was Tony's....

M: ...Got you - not invented here, right?

S: Top darts, Mark. We need to put ASBOs in the learning pouch and move on.

M: Right. Parents! Name and shame the parents?

S: The parents come out of focus groups as zero shame-bearers, Marky.

M: Fine the parents?

S: Treasury feedback's a bit off-message on that one, chum - costs a hundred million to send out the fines, but Hoodies' daddies don't pay them.

M: Jail the parents?

S: Jails are in a critical space assessment review situation. We're on the case of more prisons, but stalled by the money supply.

M: Set fire to the parents?

S: Good thought Bruv, but it's not the one - got to cut the carbon footprint down to size.

M: Christ....see what you mean Seb. Bit of a toughie this one. Any thoughts yourself?

S: Well.....I had a few moments in the Zil this morning, and I've got a feeling we may be looking through the wrong end of the tree on this one.

M: Cool.....you mean sort of, go for the load-bearing fruit?

S: Could be, could be - hard to tell. I'm talking major SWOT analysis....looking at the roots rather than the branches.

M: Roots?

S: Yes Mark. They're long windey things that grow under trees. The branches are just the tip of the iceberg.

M: Icebergs?

S: They're lettuces bruv - less tasty than Romaine Rosso, but I don't do education, that's Balls. What I'm saying is, we have to go outside the box on this one.

M: Outside the phone-box?

S: In a manner of speaking, yes. See, fact is kidder, we don't really know who the parents of these Hoodies are, let alone where they are - and the Hoodies probably don't either. Thing is, they're a tricky target audience - hard to find.

M: Surely we know the Hoodies are in the phone box smashing it up?

S: No, no....their parents, mate - hard to target, impossible to punish.

M: Right. And we've got to have people to punish.

S: On the money there, Marky - so I thought.....maybe look at the total 'phone boxes in streets' gestalt.

M: What, punish the phone boxes? Aren't the Hoodies already doing that for us?

S: Yes, yes.....but think lateral - suppose there aren't any more phone boxes left to smash?

M: That's a big idea from a big brother. No phone boxes, no problem.....

S: Fewer upkeep costs for BT....

M:...bigger dividends for the shareholders...

S:....and no votes lost by us.

M: Great. Er....hang on a minute Sebbo, have you missed some dogshit on the critical path there?

S: How so?

M: Well, I mean - you know, these old and poor people. I mean...they won't have phone boxes any more, right?

S: Mark, look - do you know anyone who uses phone boxes?

M: I don't even know any phone-boxes, Seb.

S: Correct. Do you know anyone who gives a shit about people who use phone boxes?

M: Antique dealers?

S: Apart from antique dealers.

M: Nope.

Political brothers Seb and Mark Muddle are wire-tapped on a weekly basis by MI5. Under the Colour of Money Act 2008, nby receives regular transcripts

S: Well there you are. We'll appoint a phone-box Tsar.

M: To crack down on telephone boxes?

S: Correct. And get Health & Safety to declare them unsafe.

M: I'm seeing 'New Labour to wipe out big street safety threat'.

S: Great. Get onto it Marky.

M: Will do. Bruv, why do these, um, hoodies smash up phone boxes.

S: Sorry?

M: Well - you know - hoodies. What, as it were, makes them want to render phone boxes useless?

S: How should I know? What am I, some kind of social worker?

M: No, no....but, I mean, maybe we could do some research....ask them why they, er, do it.

S: Where've you been the last six months Marky?

M: Er....mostly Thurferford West. It's a marginal you see - have to keep in well with the voters, God bless 'em....

S: Heard there's a credit crunch on have you?

M: Yes, but...

S: Mark, how can we possibly waste money on more focus groups when Northern Rock cost us more in a month than the bloody NHS does in a year?

M: Did it?

S: I should say so. Well, I don't say so otherwise we'd get lynched...but even so, this is the new reality, Bruv.

M: It is?

S: You bet: tighten belts, backs against the wall, close ranks...

M:...open bowels...

S:....and make sure those Tory bastards don't get in and throw away everything we've created.

M: I hadn't thought of it like that. Where would I be without you Sebbo?

S: In a special needs home, Mark.

M: You're not going to send me back there are you brother?

S: Not if you do as I tell you.

M: Do I really have to do that again?

S: No Marky, not today - just get onto the smashed-up phone boxes crack-down project.

M: I'm on the ball, Seb.

S: Good. Now get on the case - and Mark?

M: Uhm?

S: Take the Watford strip off before you leave.

M: Right-ho......