Big Mother is watching you
It's Mummy State that's the problem, not Nanny State
In the book 1984, George Orwell imagined a State controlled by a male, Big Brother. For at least thirty years now, the phrase 'Nanny State' has been in common use. We no longer have Nannies in 2009: they're off message. What we will all - every one of us - always have, however, is Mum. And today, Mummy State is calling the shots.
Mums give unconditional love. They don't want their precious mites humiliated by losing 10-0. They want them to get ten A*'s at GCSE instead. They don't want them joining an army which then gets shot at, because that's dangerous. They want them to go to University and do Media Studies if that's what they want.
Mums think their lovely kids should be protected forever. Nannies, by contrast, believe in naughty children learning lessons. Nannies believe in actions having consequences; they want little nursery children to know better next time. Mums prefer tio shower them with undiscerning love, advice, cotton wool, and orders. Because Mums always know best. That's why Big Mother is Protecting You.
Mums know the Bogeyman is real. Without them, there'd be nobody to protect the kiddies from the shadows and the things that go bump in the night. They want to keep an eye on their children when they're not around, and so they put cameras everywhere....with lots of signs saying it's all for their own good. And more signs on automatic doors saying 'this door is automatic', or signs over taps saying 'this water is hot'. And what with Mr Paedophile being everywhere in such large numbers, it's up to all the Mums to glare at any bloke on his own in a swimming pool, or taking shots of a kids' football game.
In fact, Mums know everything. They know that without bankers all we little children would buy sweeties with the money, so they make sure there are lots of well-paid bankers to look after their spends. They also know that with the right advice, their children will live forever. None of that fatty food and nasty foreign wine thank you very much - stick with mummy's way and you'll never grow old and gaga and have nobody to look after you when Mummy's dead. In fact, stick close to Mum's apron, and you'll never grow up. And then she'll have you as her little infant forever: entering Britain's Got Talent in perpetuity, throwing little bunches of flowers at big black cars, and kicking a leather sphere around for ten million quid a year, with the chance to tell that silly referee man where to get off.
Because Mum knows her kids would never do anything wrong, they never have any history of drug dealing when they wind up knifed to death. And because all Mummy has to do is say 'no' - and she has said no many times to all those junk foods and Mars Bars - it can't be her little Treasure's fault if he needs three seats on a 757 and is covered in acne: he's got a glandular problem. He needs an operation but that's much too dangerous and there aren't any left anyway. Her everlasting kiddy doesn't need to eat less: he's a growing boy.
We must all stay strictly within Mum's world, sticking close to her apron strings and puppet strings, because then everyone and everything will be nice, and far away from the Bogeymen and paedophiles. And the foreigners. And the teachers if they tell her kids off. And fathers4justice. Policemen, patriots, classical music, Radio 4, rich people, quiet people, old people and other people. But sitting at home watching real life on reality television on the 42" HDTV Truth Machine, everyone will be nice. Disabled people, black people, Gays, folks with cleft palates, chefs who swear all the time, Ricky and Bianca, people buying nice houses in nice fields on nice islands where everyone speaks English all the time, Victoria Beckham, cheeky little Ant & Dec....you just stay there on the sofa darling, and mummy will make sure nothing could ever happen to you ever. Won't that be nice?
Above all, Mummy's kids must never mature into parents, because that's her job. Who needs parents when she's around? Who needs lots of aggressive people taking their own decisions, taking responsibility and taking the piss out of Big Mother? Especially, the little boys mustn't become fathers dishing out discipline. We all know there's only one place for men:
But when you chuck Daddies and Teachers and Policemen in there, do be careful. Wear a hard hat and protective gloves. Get one of the nice men who work there to respond to your reasonable request. I'm sure they will, because they work for Mummy too.