New Crackdown Tsar Alexei Plodovitch yesterday got tough with the gangs (dubbed 'Nutcrackers' by the media) currently causing mayhem in our mental health service. "I'm giving these swine notice that I'm putting up lots of notices" he said, adding "The Government is adopting a zero-tolerance attitude towards those who gaily walk around nutting people who are crackers. This could spread, and then where would we be? Ten Downing Street?"
But a spokesperson for Nutcracker Pride refuted the idea of any homosexual connection. "We are not gay uphill gardening bum-bandit fudge-packers" said leading cracker Hadi Bin Sane, "we are against only those who are mad and it is our destiny as members of Nutcracker to nut these people whenever we see them because that is God's punishment and then we shall each have exactly thirty-seven teenage dusky Arab boys as our celestial sex slaves".
Home Secretary Quentin Cheekie moved swiftly to deny the matter was his responsibility. "I'm simply a secretary who works from home" he said "I just can't think why the media keep pestering me and by the way do you think this is my best side?" And so it was left to Plodovitch to draft a new Parliamentary Bill. He told Off Day "Bill has been avoiding the draft for years, but now we have no choice other than to pass a new law about disturbing the disturbed."
Under the proposed legislation, there will be a hidden controlled explosion. And if that doesn't work, all patients in mental hospitals will have notices nailed to their heads saying 'DO NOT DISTURB'. The few patients in sane hospitals will almost certainly avoid any such disturbance.
Headlines in briefs
Boris and Ken in vote-fuelled love-nest shame
Lee Harvey Oswald was Gay, claims new report*
Blair 'may convert to bottoms' says aide
Baden Powell Julius Caesar Liberace Aristotle James Dean Cary Grant
* By Peter Tatchell
official:
Scotland gay
I mean let's get real here, what the fuck is that all about? Not just wearing dresses right - but tops off for the boys! Ooooo..
kitnapper strikes again
Cat Burglar Foxglove 'Foxie' Ward went on the run again last week after holding Mitten the Kitten hostage at gunpoint. The tearaway terrier asked for a ransom of 8000 Caeser Dogfood pouches, but gave herself up after eating 913 of them at one shitting. (Surely 'sitting'? - Ed)
Said Mitten later, "She was smitten with this kitten, but actually I'm Gay, so for me it's once bitten, twice shy: I'm going to hide in Thames Ditton with my feline friend Felix. He's such a love".
euro comes from behind in shock currency exchange
The currency crisis was alleviated today when the dollar was given relief following an exchange of liquidity with the Euro. Said European Trade Supremo Mandy Fondlebum "You can bet your bottom dollar that with the Euro getting bigger all the time, it's going to be hard times for the buck. In fact right now, a buck's out of the question." But shrewd investors said "This could be the right time to put some Euro into the dollar".
new tsar cracks down on nutcrackers 
Plodovitch....Trans-Siberian dresser