Looking for the wood among the trees

Call me a silly old tin of Germolene, but in all honesty I think we ladies could give the men a run for their money when it comes to all this silly world financial and energy sub-prime over-priced business. If there's one title today that has been tarnished beyond even the repairing skills of Brasso, it's 'expert'. Expert my foot! One doesn't need a degree in economics to see what's gone wrong - only a degree of common sense.

It's we - the girls on the home front who see those milliner's bills mounting up and little Freddie asking for bigger postal orders each term - who really understand what this once-only performance called life is about. So rather than make a song and dance about it, I offer up ten simple tips to people of all professions and classes designed to effortlessly avoid this sort of inexcusable nonsense ever happening again.

1. By all means be nice to the Bank Manager at the Annual Rotary Dinner, but don't listen to any of his silver-tongued ideas about borrowing money. 'Speculate to accumulate' he will say - but the only thing you will accumulate is debt. These days, even Grammar School people have to be careful because Mr Manager down at the Westminster Bank will want to lend to you too....especially now that Mr Macmillan has made it so easy for young people to move a little up the social scale. Say 'no thank you', and then deftly change the subject to football boot dubbin or something of that nature. (And by the way all you keen lending chaps reading this, it also helps not to squander your depositors' savings on loans to feckless below stairs staff.)

2. Be in business for yourself and your partners, but avoid all those Brylcreem boys in the City desperate to introduce you to their fast friends - or 'shareholders' as they so misleadingly call them. It can only end in tears. I mean for goodness sake, Henry's brother Rafe ploughed that furrow, and was simply the worst kind of chancer - wearing brown shoes in town and lunching with unsavoury types from the motor trade. If a man has not the gumption to start his own company, then don't let him ride on the back of yours. After he's wasted an afternoon losing ten guineas at the races, he'll be after a ten per cent rise in your third quarter sales....and then before you can say pink shirts, you're late for supper every night and working Saturday afternoons. Stay private: that way you can wash your dirty linen wherever and whenever you like. (As for you broker Johnnies, do something useful like applying for a Commission or something.)

3. Make your aim to provide something better than the others, not to make more money than you'll ever need. Whether you're producing pressure cookers or writing for the Daily Dispatch, put quality first and the money will follow naturally. The chaps to avoid in all this are accountants (most of them smell rather, and have no conversation at table) and legal advisors (family solicitors only are to be trusted, and the rest watched carefully - especially those meddling in marital problems). Whenever the Financial Director makes an unwarranted suggestion at board meetings, remind him of his place behind the scoreboard and then continue in your rightful position - knocking the opposition for six at the crease. (And those with Leaving Certificate Arithmetic or a Diploma in conveyancing, remember that you are there to uphold standards and - having been spared the necessary vulgarity of trade - to dissuade others from sharp practice, not engage in it.)

4. Make discretion your watchword, not conspicuous consumption. The lower cultures of Latin and Middle Eastern origin may be prone to vulgar display and two-tone motor cars, but the Anglo-Saxon does not swank or swagger. Thrift and a careful eye kept on any clues of wealth are to be advised if one is to avoid that impertinent bill from the greengrocer. Persuade your husband to wear older clothes when shopping in the village and never encourage the idea that (having purchased a bottle of whisky last Christmas) one may automatically repeat the expense a second time. Buying more simply persuades retailers to place bigger orders with manufacturers - and ever onwards until the Japanese bakelite-toy maker is turning out competitors to British-made wooden goods at a furious pace. For example, five pairs of well-made stout shoes (from Messrs Grenson, Barkers or similar) bought at the start of a marriage should last until one's children marry. After all, since the War houses large enough to hold too much clutter are relatively rare; and only thoroughly arriviste people ever enter a furniture store. It has always been my experience that by the time Granny shuffles off the mortal coil, her bedroom suite is back in fashion and ready to be inherited. (To the retailers scanning these lines, I say this: forget your place in the scheme of things, and the arrival of American 'super' markets will be your fate.)

5. Pay close regard to family planning matters. Nothing eats up the retirement pot or suggests the idea of paid employment to women more certainly than that unwanted third and even fourth child. While many think me eccentric for holding such views, the day will come when there are too many of us on this Earth. Scientists have recently suggested that the world population will surpass three billion by the year 2010, and while I remain suspicious of all 'informed' predictions, the idea of even a fraction of this number driving motor vehicles and emitting gaseous substances into our clear air is the stuff of which Goya's madness was made. (And you, young teddy-boy lothario - remember that one day you too will be a father worried about where your daughter is. Put a rubber on your dick not a bun in the oven.)

6. Never marry out of your class. It can cause all kinds of unpleasantness, and the children are rarely happy. People like us are used to handling the household staff and chippy policemen, tasks that do not come easily to the lower-middle class girl who has snared a husband with fast ways. Essentially, it is a question of what one is used to, and this applies especially to standards. After many conversations with Mr Wysepownde-Foolishe over the years, it seems to me these truisms apply also to business, where an unwise merger with those who do not appreciate your culture is often disastrous. Merchant Bankers arrange this sort of thing (for some reason demanding a fee for so doing) but are merely another animal in that jungle where the idea of easy money saps the moral fibre of the animals therein. Mammon is their only God, and it shows: they are prone to the patterned waistcoats and doubtful socks sported by young men with unfortunate leanings. By all means enjoy the odd lunch in their boardrooms, but resist their blandishments. (Corporate marriage-brokers shown this article may well guffaw, but they should recall the words of our postman Mr Braithwaite, who observes "A good night's sleep always follows a good day's work." Merchant banking is not a proper job; in almost every way, it is a decidedly improper way for a gentleman to earn his crust.)

7. Never throw good money after bad. The world is full of those who expect only sunshine and are surprised by the arrival of winter. Like the errant child, they will beg forgiveness and ask for help. But one must be cruel to be kind: destitution is character-forming, and putting it off expensive - especially for those asked for yet more money to 'tide them over'. Soon afterwards, another wave will wash them away,and then the money is lost forever in a morass of outstanding debts and shady people usually referredto as administrators. (If you, dear reader, are on the verge of softening towards the cries of a fool separated from his money, ignore his self-pitying cries - especially if you are contemplating using taxpayers' money. Subsidising wastrels with the hard-earned cash of others is nothing short of embezzlement.)

8. Keep dogs with a persistent tendency to aggressive behaviour and running away on a tight leash. For many years we owned a setter called Raoul who,while charming at mealtimes, would often steal food from the kitchens and then hide in the woods until he thought the furore at his behaviour had blown over. In the end a chain in the west courtyard was the only answer: Raoul lived out many unhappy years in this manner, but had only himself to blame. In the human sphere, early and severe action against any and all skullduggery is absolutely vital if standards are to be maintained. This is, I find, particularly true of those who aspire to the provision of financial advice. The idea that those often found to be dishonest and incompetent should be given carte blanche with one's cash is quite preposterous. (For any reader currently in the employ of an American insurance company, leave immediately: they always turn out to be run by playboys.)

9. Listen to older and wiser heads. Since our fine young chaps did such a splendid job in the skies over England during the last lot, the myth of old heads on young shoulders has taken hold. Naturally, it is nonsense. Young heads are hotheads: just the sort of stuff necessary for shooting down Nazi swine, but not the correct equipment for cool calculation and calm sagesse. Listen to those for whom a crisis is not their first, and know it will not be their last. They will face the music and hold their nerve, whereas the young always dance to the music and then lose their heads afterwards - see earlier under family planning. (To you chaps in your thirties, remain loyal and keep the head down:your turn will surely come.)

10. Distrust every man who tells you he's an expert. Experts learned their trade in the past, after which they often rest on laurels and are surprised by the future. When faced with a tradesman, before engaging their services as a plumber, gardener, rabbit catcher and so on I invite them to comment on contemporary matters of State. If they trot out the standard Socialist line peddled by Gaitskell and his ilk, they will not find gainful employment with me. But if they appear to have a sound wisdom about major events - and an independent mind on labour issues - one usually finds that they will have applied the same intelligence to their own trade. More often than not, they read the Daily Sketch. (As for you Daily Mirror aficianados, ask yourself where on earth such ideas will end. The same applies to readers of the Manchester Guardian, but with the additional supplementary question "Which side are you on for Heaven's sake?")

I do hope you have found these tips helpful - although if I am being honest, even the most naive young suburban housewife will have learned all or most of the above by the age of twenty-three. However, some of the more regrettable instances of social mobility in recent years have produced untrustworthy reptiles in a respectable suit of clothes, so one cannot be too careful. Only by showing such folk that we can see them coming and - as the saying goes, we were not 'born yesterday' - can we ensure that British ethics remain firmly in place and in charge.

Sincerely

Penelope (Mrs Wysepownd-Foollishe to you)