Page 1 Stuff
Steve Richards in The Independent:
'Currently, a fatal narrative is in place. It can be summarised in three words: "Brown is a disaster"'
Er, that's four words Steve
£6 billion shortfall warning by labour leader
'I warn you not to fall ill. I warn you not to get old'.
No Comment
ecodisaster as winehouse conk explosion devastates caribbean
Climate change experts were horrified last night as St Lucia was irradiated with crack-cocaine following jazz-sparrow Amy Winehouse's nasal explosion.
Speaking from his air-filtered redoubt beneath St Austell, Foreign Climate Tsar David Miliband spoke by MSN to tell nby "This appalling pollution is totally unacceptable to the British Government, and we shall be sending messages about something or other to somebody somewhere saying that this theft of Caribbean Clean Air will be the subject of very severe recriminations here in All-Powerful Britain".
brown light-bulb implant:
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In a world-first for Britain's completely undangered National Health Service, the Prime Minister successfully underwent a light-bulb implant yesterday. The London Hospital for the Alleviation of Idea Poverty issued a press release confirming that 'a Scottish gentleman with no nails had a light-bulb implanted in his mouth this morning. So far the light-bulb seems to be working, although there is no sign as yet of any ideas from the patient'.
But the news was greeted with furious denials from Downing Street staffers. Top Spin underarm googly bowler Stephen Crater told nby "There is absolutely no truth in this ridiculous story at all it is all based on Gordon's teeth having lit up Pall Mall on account of his sunny nature when he returned from a routine check-up last night this often happens by the end of the day because he is so happy about how many poor people he's made rich but it has nothing at all to do with light-bulbs."
Asked when the Prime Minister would be seen in public again, Mr Farter said he couldn't comment but he imagined it was quite likely in the medium term. Asked to define medium-term, he fainted.
award-winning ecotrailers get northern rock thumbs-up
Cutting-edge new Abergele multi-storey caravan site Sands View has won a prestigious You've Got a Mortgage award from only very temporarily nationalised bank Northern Rock. General Manager (Sales) Mr Alistenna Stairlift told the Abergele Bugle "I'm absolutely delighted to announce this major contract, which we think confirms the Government view that the worst is now over and we can be safely re-elected."
Commenting later, Sands View proprietor Olwyn Fats said she was "thrilled with the deal which is good for us and safe for investors in the Rock".
The mortgage is a newly-designed Megasafe Loan offering much lower multiples of salary and much higher rates of interest. "We are confident" said Mr Stairlift, "That this judicious balance of caution and daylight robbery will be entirely in the taxp.... er, shareholders' interests".
Commenting later still, Olwyn said that she didn't "remember anything about no daylight bloody robbery in the deal and to be totally truthful with you 'ere I shall be 'avin' a word or two in Stairlift's shell-like tomorrow izzenit?"
carphone winehouse
Britain's biggest mobile retailer and heavy phone-head disaster area Amy Winelake will team up next week in a three-month promotion being run in conjunction with the Brewers' Association. Said the association's witch doctor Ivy Winedrip, "The idea is to raise awareness among young people of the dangers presented by too much use of mobile phones". Offering a slightly different perspective, Carphone's founder and Chairman Charles Donestuff observed that "the primary aim is to wake young people up to the dangers of excessive drinking". But speaking from his bed in The Priory's substance abuse unit, Winehouse manager Stoned Shotup added "Nah mate, we just like wanna make a shitload of dosh innit an' this cold turkey is well doin' me 'ead in, 'ere, d'you know where I can score?"